Road To Recovery
by LestatHughLover
Summary: The truth about Reid's behaviour is revealed. The road, however, does not seem to get any easier, even with Gideon now by his side. Sequel to DSH
1. Confession

A/N: Picking up right where Drug Store Heroin (DSH) left off. That one should be read before this one, obviously.

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Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is not mine. I do not own it or any rights to it, in any way, shape, or form. This is purely for entertainment.  
Dedicated to the writers. Much love! Keep fighting for what you want!

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Road To Recovery  
**

Chapter 1: Confession

Reid swallowed again and Gideon shook his head, "Don't try to talk too much. You have a tube down your throat to help you breathe."

Reid wasn't aware of anyone else in the room, even though Hotch was holding his hand. His eyes were focused on Gideon's. "I wasn't hallucinating before was I? After I got shot? You really were there." He was clearly ignoring Gideon's advice.

They were all surprised Reid remembered what happened so quickly, but it was Reid after all. Gideon nodded, "I was there."

A tear slipped from one of Reid's eyes without his knowledge, "I thought… I thought you were gone for a while. Uhhg it hurts. Everything hurts, Gideon…"

"I'm sorry, Spencer. I lied to you." Gideon sighed, fighting back the want to smile, due to Reid's sleight stubbornness. "You still shouldn't be talking so much."

"It doesn't matter." Gideon was unsure if Reid was talking about the lying or the not talking. "I need to tell you, before… Before I loose control and something like this happens again." He slipped his hand out of Gideon's grasp and reached for his shoulder. "Please…" Reid's eyes were large and watery as he glanced at his sleeve.

Gideon paused before moving his hands to slowly push Reid's gown sleeve down. He didn't have to move it far to reveal what Reid wanted. As the track marks came into view Reid closed his eyes, and swallowed a painful choking sob. He didn't hear the collective hard swallow from everyone in the room.

"I'm so sorry, Gideon." he opened his eyes again, looking at Gideon as Gideon placed his arm back down, and clasped his hand once more. "I tried to tell you I was sorry in the alley. And before that, I tried to tell you about this so many times, but I couldn't. I wasn't ready. I didn't ever mean for it to get this bad. I just wanted… needed… wanted……" he frowned, "needed it for a little while. To help with the pain, and then I'd stop." Another tear he didn't notice and a painful swallow. "But then I couldn't. And I told you… I told you I needed your help, and you were there. It didn't make the pain stop though. Every morning, I'd call when I woke up, that was when it was the worst, and you'd say all the right things, but as soon as I hung up I'd have that phial in my hand." He licked his lips, then continued on, unaware of the other ears to his confession. "I-I-I didn't ever want it. Not to start. It was Tobias, he made me. He was only trying to help. I shot him for his kindness."

"Spencer, shhh, just calm down and breathe. We know you didn't ask for it. And we know you were trying to stop. We know, just relax." Gideon tried to calm him but Reid suddenly looked panicked.

His eyes darted down to Prentiss, and then he turned his head, catching Morgan, who was now sitting up straight, listening intently, and then JJ, and finally he moved his eyes up to meet Hotch's. "No… No, no, no… I wasn't ready to tell you. Oh god. You weren't supposed to find out, yet."

"We already knew, Reid. We already knew." Hotch soothed him with his voice.

Reid swallowed again, "Wh-who?" He looked down at JJ, who was looking at her own clasped hands.

"Look at me, Reid." Hotch said. "It doesn't matter who, or when, but you need to listen to Gideon and calm down."

Morgan nodded, "The doc. will kick us out if you don't."

Reid nodded, "I'm just… so sorry. I was just going to get these last two, and then that would be it. I'd stop."

Hotch and Gideon looked at each other and frowned. They'd both heard alcoholics and addicts talk before. How they promised themselves this time would be the last, but it never was. They hated to think of Reid in that light. Hotch looked at Reid, deep sadness in his eyes. "Is that what you were doing in that alley? Meeting your dealer?" He hated the way those words sounded together.

Reid nodded, "Sort of. He never does the drops himself. He always has someone to do it for him. Rarely ever is it the same person. Maybe, 9 percent of the time." He forced a smile, and everyone else's mouth's twitched slightly in response.

There was a small moment of silence, before a visible change came over Reid. He went from being nervous to being calm and determined. It was clear from the look in his eyes. "I'm going to do this -- quit. I'm not going to continue living like this. I can't. If I do I'll loose everything I know and love. This job, all of you…"

Gideon shook his head, "You'll never loose us, Spencer. Even if you no longer worked with us, we'd still be there for you."

"You can say that now, but what if it got so bad I started stealing from you to get my next fix? Would you still all stand by me then? No, I refuse to let myself fall any deeper. Those last two phials I was going to get, they were going to wean me off, slowly. I don't have them. What am I going to do?"

"You just stop, Reid." Morgan replied from the end of the bed.

"Don't you think I've tried that? It's highly improbable I'll be able to do it if I couldn't the first few times. I don't want to go through those withdrawals again. Oh, please don't make me live through that." He removed both his hands from the ones holding them, and moved to run his fingers through his hair. He lifted his right arm, but his left screamed in protest when he tried and Reid bit down on his lip to keep from crying out.

Hotch touched Reid's arm gently as Reid relaxed. "Reid, you were shot in the shoulder… you know that. Moving your arm wasn't smart, you could tear the wound open."

They were all distracted by a knock at the door. Everyone turned to look, except for Reid, and then smiled at the person who stepped inside.

Garcia was dressed brightly, and despite the clear worry on her face, she was smiling. "I left as soon as you called me, Sugar." she addressed Morgan. She walked over to the bed, sitting down near Reid's feet.

Reid looked up at her with a weak smile, "Hey…"

"Hey yourself, Hun. You look like you're in terrible pain." She replied.

Reid nodded, "I got shot."

"I know that, smart mouth. Don't they usually give you morphine for that?"

"I can't have morphine, it would interact…" He paused and looked at Gideon, "Wait, the doctors wouldn't have known that ahead of time. Did they give me morphine?"

Gideon nodded, but it was Hotch who spoke. "Yes, they did, and it was a good thing one of us had figured out what you were hiding or you could have died, Reid."

"What happened?" Reid asked.

"You went into respiratory arrest, followed shortly thereafter by cardiac arrest. They had to shock you to reboot your system, Reid. It was scary."

Reid looked shocked and frightened. Garcia was glancing between Hotch and Reid; she looked possibly more frightened than Reid. "Wait, tell me what happened." she pushed for more.

"The morphine they put Reid on had an adverse reaction to some prescription medication Reid was taking." Hotch explained.

Reid was grateful for the way Hotch answered. Never lying, but staying vague. Although, Reid couldn't help but notice the use of past tense; was taking, not is.

"But you'd have known about it, and I know you would have told the doctors." Garcia glanced around the room and her eyes fell on JJ, who was looking guilty. "You lied to me didn't you? When you told me to look up that information for you. I asked if it had anything to do with Reid, and you said it didn't, but it did, didn't it?"

JJ nodded, and looked over to Reid. "I hope you know I'm sorry, but I couldn't let you carry on like this."

Reid shrugged, but didn't reply. On one hand he was glad, on the other he wished she hadn't been the one to figure it out. He had wanted to be able to tell everyone on his own time, when he was ready. Garcia was looking down at him with sad eyes, and he turned away making eye contact with Hotch. He turned his head the other way and looked at Gideon, then sighed, finally settling on staring at the ceiling.

Garcia shook her head at him, "Why didn't you tell us? We're your friends, your family; we wouldn't have judged you." She leaned down to give him as much of a hug as she could without hurting him. "We only want to help you." she sat up again.

"I know, I know, I just…" his sentence was interrupted by a sound in the corner of the room. Everyone turned towards Reid's pile of belongings, and Reid frowned. "Is that my phone? Shouldn't they have turned that off or something?"

"Probably should have." Hotch replied standing up to try and find it. It continued to ring two more times before Hotch pulled it out of a bag. The outside screen was a little busted up, and unreadable. Reid remembered that from when he had tried to see who was calling down in the basement. Hotch flipped the phone open to read the inside display. "Reid, who is this?" he asked looked at the display. The phone had stopped ringing.

"I don't know, what did it say?" Reid asked in return.

"I'm not sure." He handed Reid the phone, so that he could check missed calls.

Reid hit a couple buttons just as it started ringing again. He looked at the name and froze; Speed Dial 7.


	2. The Phone Call

Disclaimer: Can I just say see chapter 1? No? Well CM isn't mine.  
Dedicated to the writers. Inching forward every day.

Chapter 2: The Phone Call

Reid stared at the display as it rang again, then up at the team. They were all giving him expectant looks. He knew that if he didn't answer the phone he'd have more questions from the team, but he wasn't sure if this was a conversation he could have in front of them.

Hotch looked at him sternly, "Answer it, and put it on speaker."

Reid's eyes widened, "What? No! You don't understand."

"I have a pretty good idea of who that is, so please, just answer it."

On the final ring Reid pressed the answer button, and then the speaker button, but remained silent.

The deep gravelly voice that answered the silence, echoed in the room. _"Good, you're alive. I must admit I got a little worried when I heard the drop boy shot you. He is required to report back to me after every drop, and he was rambling on about how you were a cop. Like he thought I didn't already know. Though I admit, perhaps I should have warned him." _

Reid cut off the never ending stream of words, "Look, I'm in the hospital now. I shouldn't be using my phone." 

_"Right of course not. I just wanted to make sure I hadn't lost one of my top paying customers. I understand you didn't get what you wanted. If you'd like to arrange for another drop, I'll keep these especially for you."_

Reid swallowed hard, the temptation was so great. He glanced frantically at everyone else in the room, but none of them even changed their expressions. "I-I-I can't… talk now. I have to go." He panicked slightly, not agreeing or disagreeing to the offer, then disconnected the call.

Reid closed his eyes and moisture started to build up behind his eyelids, sneaking out around the edges. All in all that was actually one of the better phone conversations he'd had with his dealer. At least he hadn't been put down, or called scum, or any other horrid thing. This one had made him feel wanted, in a twisted sort of way.

He felt a comforting hand on his right shoulder and a soft voice next to him; Gideon. "Its okay, Spencer. You won't have to deal with him any more."

"He has my phone number." Reid replied.

Hotch nodded, but didn't look worried, "We can get you a new phone and number, Reid."

"I don't want a new number. I like the one I have."

"Well you're going to need a new phone in any case. We can start there." Hotch paused, and frowned, "He'll keep calling you though."

"I can handle it. I have to do this on my own. My way."

No one in the room particularly liked that idea, but they weren't about to argue. Except perhaps Gideon, "No, you don't have to do this on your own, you may want to, but you don't have to, and I won't let you. We're going to get through this together, Spencer, I promise you that."

Reid was unsure which part of this he hated most. That he no longer had a say in how he ran his life, or that he was going to constantly have a babysitter watching from the distance. He just wanted things to go back to the way they were before he got messed up with Tobias and his drugs. He was independent then, and he wanted to be now. He didn't see why things had to change. This was the exact reason he hadn't told anyone, he knew they'd act differently around him, and he didn't want that.

Morgan stood from his chair, and started for the door, "I'm going to go tell a doctor you're awake." He slipped out of the room without looking back.

Garcia watched at him leave, looking at his back, his shoulders were stiff and it appeared like he was holding in a lot of frustration. She glanced at everyone as she stood from the bed. "I'll talk to him." she said with a small smile, before following him out.

Reid let out a short burst of air through his nose, impressive due to the tube, in an almost laugh, "So that's how it's going to be then. Do you see why I didn't tell any of you? Everything changes. None of you can even stand to look at me for very long. You don't see me for who I am, but for who you think I am. I haven't changed."

"Reid!" JJ suddenly snapped her head up, looking at him straight on for the first time since she sat down, she was glaring. Reid gulped, not only at the look on her face but at the fact she didn't call him 'Spence.' "Stop acting like a child. You want us to treat you like the adult you claim to be? You have to earn it. None of us are going to abandon you, but I, for one, am not going to just let you get away with living your life without any consequences. If that consequence is all of us watching your every move, then so-be-it."

Reid sighed, pulling the blankets up and putting his arms under them, so no one could hold his hands anymore. He still had his phone clutched in one hand, though. "I'm tired, would you all mind letting me rest for a while?"

Hotch and Gideon shook their heads. Gideon sighed, "Yes, you should probably rest. One of us will be back in a few hours to check on you." Everyone rose and made their way to the door, each of them looking back at least once, except for JJ.

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Garcia called after Morgan, "Hold up, Hot Stuff. What's wrong?"

Morgan turned with a sigh, "We're his family, we're supposed to notice when something is wrong, and we're supposed to ask questions and get answers, and help him. I knew he wasn't right, moody and such, but I had no idea…"

She embraced him, cutting off his stream of words. "None of us did, it's okay."

"JJ figured it out. Why didn't I? I know he's a grown adult, and hates being protected all the time, but he's like my little bro, I have to. I have to look out for him, and I failed that."

"You didn't fail; you can be there for him now. This is going to be the hardest time, and when he'll need you most. Just don't let him push you away. Got it?"

Morgan nodded, "Right, let's get that doctor."

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He sat in the dark, smoke-filled, room, contemplating the phone call he'd just made. He could tell by the acoustics of the call that he'd been on speaker. There was a good chance other people had heard the conversation. He compiled together everything he knew about this client. Young FBI Agent, obviously not undercover, trying to uproot his business. No undercover agent would be so careless. Drug of choice was Dilaudid, rare preference these days, but a smart one he supposed. Very specific on how it was to be made, and delivered. Two individual phials, every time, always two. And he sure made them last, usually that small about would last most of his clients a couple days. This young man could make it last a couple weeks. Perhaps that was why he was willing to pay more, because he didn't have to cough up the cash every day or so. What ever the case, this young man was one of his better paying customers and he was not about to loose that income.

He whistled and someone was at his side, "I need you to do a favour for me. Joey had a drop in Winchester today, didn't go as planned. When he called, he was on his way back into town. Find him, bring me back the product, I don't care what you do with him. Just get it done in the next day or so, please." Though he said 'please', there was clearly no room for negotiations.

The young man at his side nodded, "Yes, sir." A malicious smile spread across his face.

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The doctor checked on Reid, and removed the breathing tube. That small action alone made Reid feel ten-times better. He was thankful now for the peace and quite he got. He wanted to roll over, with his back to the door, but that would mean lying on his left side. He sighed, fiddling with his phone under the blankets. He wanted to call his dealer back, but he couldn't get away with that. He knew he'd get caught, and then what would he say?

No he couldn't call. All he could do was hope he'd get released soon, and then go home. The doctor did say he'd be able to leave as early as tomorrow. What was one day? He could handle a day in a hospital.

The door opened, and he glanced over as Hotch walked in. "I know you wanted to be left alone, but I wanted to tell you."

"What, Hotch?" he sounded tired and slightly annoyed.

"I think it's best if you no longer work this case. You need to take time off anyway to recover from your injuries."

"I'll be fine, Aaron. What you're really trying to tell me is that I'm being suspended until further notice."

"No, Reid, that's not it at all. I just think, given how involved you were, that you should act as a civilian, and not an agent."

"Right, so this has nothing to do with the drugs? Why do I not believe you?"

"Reid, you can think whatever you want, that doesn't make it true. You were going to have to take time off anyway for the gunshot wound, it just starts now. It's paid leave, don't complain." Hotch turned and walked from the room, leaving Reid alone, confused, and depressed.


	3. Pampering And Professionalism

Disclaimer: CM isn't mine  
Dedicated to the talented writers of the WGA.

Chapter 3: Pampering And Professionalism

The team worked, short two members, on closing the case properly. Reid was released from the hospital the following day, as he had hoped. Each member of the team had come in to see him at least one more time, including JJ, who he refused to talk to. Gideon was the only one that stayed for any length of time, since he wasn't on the case either. Gideon was also the only one Reid actually, truly, wanted to see. Hotch had come by to leave Reid's wallet, which he had retrieved from the alley after it had been searched, with the rest of Reid's belongings. He explained how nothing had been found out of the ordinary, and there were currently no leads. He had thus been allowed to take his jacket and Reid's wallet from the scene, after the wallet had been dusted for prints coming up with only Reid's.

Reid sat on the end of the hospital bed, alone, waiting for Gideon to return to drive him home. He sat on his hands, trying to stop the shakes that had started about 15 minutes previous. The morphine that had been in his system had done a little to postpone the withdrawal symptoms, after the Dilaudid was out of his body. He was chewing on his lower lip when the door opened and his doctor entered, followed shortly by Gideon, carrying a couple bags.

The doctor looked at the way Reid was sitting and shook his head. "You should be wearing your sling to keep pressure off your shoulder, Dr. Reid."

"I don't need it." Reid replied snidely.

Gideon sighed, "Spencer, listen to your doctor."

"I'm fine!" he brought his hands out from under him in an attempt to prove it, and in doing so moved his shoulder. He sucked in air through his clenched teeth, and attempted not to swear. "Really, I'm fine." he muttered.

"You're wearing the sling, Spencer." Gideon said, leaving no room for Reid to argue.

The doctor stepped forward and took the sling off the side table where Reid had left it. "I'll let you put it on after you get changed. You've already been checked out at the desk, I just wanted to give you want last look before you go."

Reid allowed the doctor to do whatever it was he needed to do, and then watched as he talked with Gideon in hushed voices. He saw Gideon nod, and then the doctor left the room.

Gideon brought the bags he had over to Reid. "I've checked you out of your motel room, and brought your bag from there. I'm pretty sure I've got everything in it. And I picked you up a new shirt; I think you'll like it." He pulled it out and handed it to Reid.

Reid looked at the light beige article, crossed with pin-thin horizontal and vertical brown lines in a plaid-like pattern. It was nice, definitely something he would wear but there was one problem, "Gideon, it's short-sleeved. I can't do short sleeves." He looked down at his right arm where just the tiniest amount of red irritated skin could be seen from under the hospital gown's sleeve.

"But it'll be something you can wear a lot, eventually. For now you can put a jacket on, I bought you one of those too." Gideon smiled, and Reid mouthed a 'thank you' as Gideon pulled it from the bag.

Reid took the light tan jacket between his hands, feeling the soft suede against his palms. "This looks expensive."

"It wasn't really. Oh and that's a washable suede."

Reid raised an eyebrow and looked at the tag on the neck, _Newport Harbour_. It wasn't a brand name he'd heard of before; he'd have to remember to look it up later, since the price tags had already been removed. "Are you sure it wasn't expensive? I don't want you doting on me like I need the extra love and attention; I don't. Me doing drugs was not some cry for attention, or else I would have made it a lot easier for you to find out."

"I know that, I just didn't figure you'd want to wear the shirt you were shot in, which is covered in blood, on the way home. Then I noticed you didn't have a jacket with you, that's all." Gideon shrugged, but wasn't looking at Reid.

Reid wasn't sure if he believed Gideon, but he saw no use in arguing. What's done is done; it wasn't like he could ask Gideon to return the items.

Gideon looked up at him, "Do you want to wear the pants you were wearing or the ones I bought?"

"You bought me pants too?" Reid groaned and sighed, "Give 'em to me." He took the pants from Gideon, light tan slacks to match everything else, and looked at the pile he had on his lap. He tried to do a quit head count of what everything would cost, on the most expensive side. He swallowed hard, "Please, tell me you didn't spend $360 on me."

Gideon looked sideways at him, "I didn't spend $360 on you. Now get dressed."

Reid slipped off the bed, making sure he had everything except the jacket, and stepped into the tiny washroom attached to the room. As the minutes ticked by Gideon heard the occasional thump and one swear that never got caught. "Would you like a hand?" he called out.

Reid grumbled, "I'm fine!" he yelled back.

Gideon smiled slightly at Reid's continued stubbornness and need for independence, why wouldn't he just accept help when it was offered? After a few more moments there was silence. Gideon sat on the edge of the bed watching the bathroom door. Nothing, no movement, no sound. "Spencer?" he asked.

"What?" came the reply; it sounded exhausted and sad.

"Are you coming out?"

"In a minute."

Gideon heard the tap at the sink get turned on. He listened to the water flow until Reid turned it off again, and stepped out of the room. His whole face was wet, including the front strands of his hair, but that wasn't the first thing Gideon's eyes were drawn to. The red on the inside of Reid's right elbow was ugly and garish. It seemed to stare back at Gideon as much as Gideon looked at it. Reid bent his left arm at the elbow, careful not to move his shoulder, and covered his track marks with his left hand. Gideon moved his eyes up to Reid's, who was looking slightly embarrassed, with a small forced smile. "Come; let's get that sling on you."

Reid sighed and nodded, stepping back over to the bedside and letting Gideon work. "I hate this." he mumbled.

Gideon raised a brow at him, "Hate what?"

"This." he tried to gesture to the sling. "I don't want to look weak or helpless."

"You won't, Spencer. It'll be fine." He finished securing it, and Reid relaxed his arm into it, glad for the pressure to be off his shoulder. Gideon picked up the jacket and held it ready so Reid could just slip his right arm in, then he draped it over Reid's left shoulder. Gideon handed Reid his phone and wallet off the side table, and left Reid's gun in the bag alongside Reid's old clothes. Reid clipped the phone to his belt and slipped the wallet into his back pocket, while Gideon gathered everything up into the bag that had carried Reid's new clothes.

Reid reached out for his messenger bag and frowned; the strap had blood on it. He wondered how much scrubbing it would take for it to come out. Maybe it could be dry cleaned? At least it was dried and wouldn't transfer onto his new coat. He set the strap on his right shoulder. It was weird to not wear it across his body, from left to right.

"You have everything?" Gideon asked.

Reid nodded, "I think so."

"Then let's get you home." Gideon said with a genuine smile this time.

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The ride back to D.C. was silent for the most part. Reid fell asleep for nearly 40 minutes of the drive, and Gideon amused himself by whistling whatever tune was stuck in his head. Reid was awake when they entered the city, and he watched the cars go by as they drew closer to his neighbourhood.

Traffic slowed suddenly as they rounded a corner, and both Reid and Gideon tried to find the source of the commotion. There was flashing lights from both police and ambulance alike, blocking one lane just off of an alleyway. Gideon pulled the car over and they both exited the vehicle to see what was going on, and perhaps offer some assistance.

They stepped up to the band of yellow police tape and Gideon waved an officer over. "What happened here?"

The police officer shook his head, "It's a police matter, sorry."

Gideon pulled out his badge, "We're Federal Agents, we can help."

The officer frowned, "Just a murder, nothing we can't handle."

"Any idea who the victim is?" Gideon asked.

"Not yet, just that it looks like a professional hit." He raised the yellow tape to let them under so they wouldn't be talking about it next to other civilian ears. "Single gunshot wound to forehead. From his position it's possible he was begging before he was shot."

Reid wasn't paying too much attention to the conversation. His eyes were wandering over the surroundings, and he frowned. He knew this place, though he'd never seen it in this much daylight. They were only a few blocks from his condo; he'd walk by here on late night strolls quite often. His eyes continued to look at everything, analysing whatever he could, until they fell onto the body that was just being covered with a sheet. He gasped, and reached for Gideon's arm, clutching it tightly. "It's him!" he hissed, "Gideon, that's the guy that shot me!"


	4. A Gift

Chapter 4: A Gift

Gideon turned to Reid, "Are you sure, Spencer?"

Reid nodded, his eyes still wide. "You're asking _me_ if I'm sure? Of course I'm sure!" He reached over to his left shoulder to pull the jacket forward a bit, stopping it from sliding off.

Gideon looked back at the officer, "Yesterday, this man," he pointed to the body on the ground, "was part of an officer involved shooting, up in Winchester." He glanced back at Reid for a second then continued, "We'd like to be kept informed on this case, if that's alright."

"I'm sure it would be." the officer replied. "I'll have to run it passed my superiors first, however."

"Of course, I understand." Gideon wrote down his cell number and handed it to the officer. "Please, I have a feeling these cases might be connected deeper than the obvious."

The officer took the number, with a single nod. "I'll see what I can do."

Gideon gave his thanks and turned to face Reid, who was looking at the white sheet slowly being stained with blood, "Let's go, Spencer." He took Reid by his good arm and led him back out of the scene. He opened the car door and let Reid sit inside. He closed the door and jogged around to the driver's side. Sitting in he looked over at Reid, who was looking pale and staring at nothing. "Are you alright?"

Reid nodded numbly, "Y-yes." He didn't feel it important to mention his hands were starting to shake again. "Can you just take me home? I don't feel so good."

Gideon nodded and started the car, rather unsure of how 'yes, I'm alright' and 'I don't feel good' could be considered the same thing.

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Reid stood in the small breezeway at the front his condo trying to find his keys without any luck. Gideon pulled out his spare set, "Don't worry about it, you can look for them later." he tried to reassure Reid. Reid nodded and leaned against the wall, closing his eyes. Gideon flashed the card in front of the scanner and the door slid open to let them fully inside the building. He looked back at Reid; he was no longer looking pale, but flushed and hot. "Come on, let's get you inside."

They took the elevator up to Reid's floor, and walked in silence down the hall to room 25. Gideon used his key to open the door and let Reid inside ahead of him. It was a good sized apartment, better than most in the area. The door opened up to a wide hall, two doors on the left-hand side, the first was the bedroom, the second the bathroom. On the right there was a large rectangular cut out to see into the kitchen, and at the end of the hall, a large living room, with open access to the kitchen, on the right, and a small office area on the left.

Gideon locked the door behind them as Reid dropped his bag on the floor in the hall. Gideon tossed the bags he was carrying into Reid's room, and picked up his messenger bag with a frown, hanging it where it usually went. He watched Reid's back as Reid leaned against the wall, on his right side, while walking down the dark hall.

Gideon hit the light switch in the hall as Reid stepped across it to the second doorway and closed the door behind him. Gideon walked until he was outside the door, pausing for a brief moment to listen. The sounds of his 'son' being sick made his stomach churn with worry. He forced himself to keep moving down the hall and around the corner to the kitchen. He started a pot of coffee, and rummaged through the cupboards and fridge to find something to make for lunch. He settled for some chicken soup along with a sandwich. He started the soup cooking on the stove, and put together the sandwiches, all the while glancing up through the opening to the closed bathroom door across the hall.

He brought out two small plates and two small bowls, and then set a sandwich, sliced diagonally, down on each plate. He stirred the soup with a wooden spoon he'd pulled from a drawer, and glanced up at the bathroom door again. His worry got the better of him and he set the spoon down before walking over to the door. He listened for a moment, silence, and then knocked twice, "Spencer?"

There was a groan for a reply, and then a "What?"

Gideon swallowed hard, "Are you alright?"

"I will be… eventually." Reid's voice was full of morose, and it sounded like it hurt just to talk.

"I'm making lunch. It's almost ready."

"Forgive me if I don't exactly have an appetite right now."

"You should eat something, Spencer."

"I don't feel like it."

"This is exactly why you should eat." Gideon pushed. "At least have the soup to get some fluids into your system. It'll make you feel better."

"No, it won't." In Reid's mind there was only one thing that would make this hurt go away, and he no longer had any.

Gideon reached through the opening in the hall to stir the soup again before turning back. "May I come in?"

Reid nodded, and it took him a second to realise Gideon couldn't see him. "Yeah."

Gideon opened the door and saw Reid sitting on the floor facing him, his knees drawn up to his chest, his left arm between his body and his legs due to the sling, while his right arm lay across his knees with his forehead resting on it. Gideon took a couple steps into the room and pressed the lever on the toilet down to flush that mess away. He knelt down next to Reid, closer to the wall and rested a hand on his head. "Look at me." he urged.

Reid looked up, some of his hair was clinging to his face but he tried to smile despite it all. "I'll be fine, don't worry."

Gideon pressed the back of his hand to Reid's forehead, "You're burning up."

Reid nodded, "And I feel cold as ice. I-it's the withdrawal symptoms… I'll be f-f-fine. I've done my research."

"Of course you have." he said with a smile. It was just like Reid to make sure he knew everything before he got too deeply involved. Gideon stood and walked back into the hall, reaching through the opening he took the soup off the burner, stirred it, and left it to sit. He returned to the washroom to find Reid in the same position he'd been in the first time. He looked so small and helpless, Gideon was afraid for just a moment that if he touched Reid he'd shatter. That thought quickly passed and Gideon sat down with his back against the tub and his legs out. "Come here, Spencer. Lie down and rest."

Reid shook his head, "I don't want to move. It hurts."

"What does? Talk to me."

Reid sighed, "Everything. Every muscle and bone just aches. It'll pass… It comes in waves."

Gideon nodded, "Just rest your head on my lap, it'll be okay soon."

Reid shifted with a small nod, and Gideon guided him down on his side until Reid's head was lying on his thigh. Reid still had his knees drawn up to him, and was curled in a foetal position, shivering slightly despite his temperature. "I don't want to do this. I can't do this, Gideon."

"Yes, you can. I believe in you." Gideon brushed some of Reid's hair out of his face, and continued to soothingly pet his head as each painful shiver racked through his body.

"Maybe I can get through today, but I can't do this for 7-10 days, and it's only going to get worse."

"I'll be here for you; you won't be alone." Gideon said as he ran his fingers through Reid's hair.

"Don't." Reid whispered.

"Don't what?"

"Touch my hair. I haven't washed since…" he thought for a moment, "Thursday."

As far as Gideon was concerned Reid's hair still looked fluffy despite the lack of cleanliness. "You can't tell." He continued to run his fingers through Reid's hair despite the protest.

"How can you not tell? It's Monday, it's been 4 days… It is Monday right?"

"Yes, it's Monday. Quit worrying, Spencer, and just rest for a bit."

Reid nodded and closed his eyes, holding himself tightly with his good arm as he continued to shake. They stayed like this for several minutes, father and son, until a knock at the door brought them both from their daze. Reid's shakes had slowed and were almost gone, and he sighed, moving to stand.

Gideon shook his head, "You don't have to get up, Spencer."

"Well I'm not going to stay here all day. I'm going to continue living my life. And possibly have a shower." He forced a smile, "You should get the food ready, and you made coffee didn't you?"

Gideon nodded and he stood, helping Reid up at the same time. "Yeah, I did. How did you…?"

Reid smiled completely this time, "I can smell it. Go get it ready, I'll get the door."

Reid stepped shakily from the room and down the hall, and Gideon went to the kitchen. He put the soup back on the burner to heat it again, and then reached for two mugs. He poured the now lukewarm coffee into each mug. Reid opened the door with a shaking hand, unsure of whom it would be. He saw no one. He glanced both ways down the hall but no one was around. The only evidence that anyone had been there was a small decorative box by his feet. It was tied with a red ribbon, and held a note.

Gideon called from the kitchen, "Who is it?"

"N-no one. No one's here." Reid called back, and then bent down to pick up the box. The outside of the note read, 'Dr. Reid.' He closed the door and slipped into his room, sidestepping around the bags Gideon had left there. He sat in the edge of his bed and took the note off the box, before setting the box on his bedside table. He stared at his name on the note, written in a hand he didn't recognise. He folded open the piece of paper and was about to start reading when Gideon called again.

"Soup's on!"

Reid sighed, and set the note down on top of the box. He stood and left his room, shrugging out of his jacket, and hanging it on a hook next to his messenger bag, before joining Gideon at the coffee table in the living room for a well deserved meal.

---------------------

A/N: This chapter was horrible to try to get through. I kept feeling Reid's pain. mental note: stop being so empathetic Makes it difficult to write when you feel like your about to be sick at any moment too. That said, not too much excitement this chapter, but it was essential. :) Hope you enjoyed!


	5. Conflict

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds... I like to think I own Reid's dealer though.  
Dedicated to the writers. One step at a time.

Chapter 5: Conflict

They sat together and ate, Gideon on the couch and Reid in the big armchair across the table. They talked casually until Reid brought up a serious subject. "How did you get back so quickly? You were there when I was shot, but I thought you had left on a plane somewhere."

Gideon sighed, and looked down at the crumbs on his plate. "I lied to you, Spencer. I lied to everyone."

"Why would you do that?"

"I thought I was helping. You have to understand I didn't know that it was drugs you were fighting with. I had no idea it was that serious."

"I reached out to you every morning, needing guidance and advice; what else could it have possibly been? I thought you'd be smart enough to figure it out," Reid was almost glaring.

"I'm sorry, Spencer, I was wrong. I was trying to test your willpower; to see if you could stand on your own without my support."

"Well I guess I failed that test, then didn't I?" Reid spat back.

"It's not your fault." Gideon tried to remain calm, but his concern was rising. "I left you when you needed me most, but I'm not going to do that twice. I won't leave you now."

Reid scoffed, "What if I wanted you to leave? What if I told you to get the hell out of my house?"

Gideon's jaw dropped just slightly, and he took a moment to reply, "I'd stay, Spencer, because it's what you need."

"So now you think you know what I need? You didn't know before, what makes you so sure now?" Reid had a glare set into his usually gentle features.

"Spencer," Gideon pleaded, "this isn't like you. What's wrong? Is this another withdrawal symptom?" He was trying to recall exactly what had been said to make Reid so moody. It had happened so rapidly that it was hard to pinpoint the exact cause. Had this been a hostage situation, he would now be afraid it had reached the point where someone was going to get shot just to prove a point.

"It might be one of the psychological symptoms; irritability. Or it could just be me, seeing as you don't seem to know me at all." Reid drew his legs up onto the chair, curling them under him, and looked down at his arms. One lame and useless due to the sling, and the other came with its own set of track marks, free of charge. He felt tired, and dirty, and worthless all at once. He wiggled the fingers of his left hand with an amused look, and then positioned the inside of his right arm where the fingers of his left hand could reach and started picking at the couple spots that had scabs on them.

Reid's harsh words took Gideon by surprise. He felt like a blunt-tipped sword had just been plunged deep and hard into his gut, and then twisted out of spite. How could Reid say those things? It had to be the irritability due to the withdrawals. He looked up at Reid across from him, now so quiet and withdrawn, and it took him a moment to realise what he was doing. "Spencer." he said calmly. Reid didn't even so much as blink. "Spencer." slightly louder, but again no reply. Reid was entirely focused on picking at his arm. "Spencer." louder again, and Reid's eyes flickered involuntarily towards Gideon for a second, though it still appeared as if his name hadn't registered consciously. "Reid!" Gideon barked, and Reid's head shot up, looking at him.

Reid looked at Gideon with wide eyes, and his voice shook, "W-what?"

Gideon immediately calmed down now that he had Reid's attention, "You zoned out, and you're picking at your arm. You shouldn't, it'll scar.

"Right, I knew that." He sighed, and moved his arm away from his hand. There was a moment of silence and Reid ran his fingers through his hair, and then grimaced. "I'm going to go to bed, or shower, or both. Just not at the same time."

A smile played across Gideon's lips as he watched Reid stand. He wasn't sure how someone could go through mood changes that quickly but this mood was certainly better than the last. "Spencer, it's only almost two in the afternoon, you can't go to bed yet."

"It feels later than that." he yawned and started down the hall. "So I'll just shower then. I need to shower." He flicked the light on in the washroom on his way by, but continued on to his room. He stepped inside and closed the door behind him. He pushed the bags against the wall and stepped over to his closet, pulling out a fuzzy, light blue, bathrobe and dark blue P.J. bottoms. He tossed them on his bed, and then released the strap on his sling. He hissed in pain as his shoulder had to start holding the weight of his arm. Black spots danced in front of his eyes for a few seconds, and then cleared. Reid started the delicate task of undoing each button on his shirt without jostling his shoulder. He'd gotten them done up, undoing them was the easy part as far as he was concerned.

After a couple tense minutes on the buttons he let the shirt slide off and to the floor. He thought about bending down to pick it up and put it somewhere safe, but just the thought hurt so he didn't want to attempt the action. His muscles were still sore from the earlier withdrawal episode; any unnecessary movement was frowned upon. He sat down on the bed to remove his socks, and he noticed the box and note on the bedside table. He'd forgotten all about that over lunch and his brief argument with Gideon. He finished removing his socks, and then reached for the note.

Reid held it with a shaky hand and read:

_Dr. Reid, _

Please, accept these as a token of my regret. An early Christmas present, let's call it. I am truly sorry for the pain one of my lackeys caused you; he's been taken care of. I've heard gunshot wounds are painful; you're going to need these. Free of charge.

Please let me know you received them in one piece.

Always pleased to serve. 

_P.S. I'm sure you're wondering how I found your address. Just remember, I have eyes everywhere._

Reid gulped and then glanced around his room; he took a few deep breaths to calm himself and then opened the top drawer on the bedside table and slipped the note inside. He could feel his palms starting to sweat, and he rubbed them on his pants. It was a guilty sweat. He was sure he knew what was inside that decorative box, tied with a bow. It did look rather Christmassy, which was strange considering it was September. He reached for the box his hand hovering just inches away before he pulled away and stood, walking to the other side of the room.

He couldn't do it. If his suspicions were correct and he opened that box and saw its contents so close, he knew he wouldn't be able to resist the pull. He turned his back on the small box and removed his remaining articles of clothing. He kicked them into a corner and looked at the bed where his P.J. bottoms and bathrobe sat. He could see the box out of the corner of his eye. Reid took a deep breath and stepped closer to the clothing he needed.

One step, two steps, three, and then he snatched them off the bed quickly and took 2 giant steps backwards. He steadied his breathing and stepped into the loose article, cinching it at the waist. Then thread his arms, carefully, through the sleeves of the robe, which he then left open.

He put his hand on the doorknob, prepared to leave the box where it sat, when he heard Gideon talking. It was a one sided conversation; a phone call. He glanced back at the box and then at the drawer below it. He should at least call, it would be rude to ignore the kindness; the perverse kindness that it was. He took a step over to his pile of clothes and sifted through it with his feet until he found his phone. Realising it was going to be inevitable he bent down and took it off his belt, flipped it open, and pressed 7. He held it until it started dialling, placed it to his ear, and waited. _'Just make it quick, say thank you, and hang up.'_

It rang once and then nothing, Reid gulped, "T-thank you, for the gift." he said quietly. _'Okay, now hang up.'_

The voice he hated answered before he got a chance, _"Hmmm, I was hoping you'd be pleased. Have you enjoyed it, yet?"_

"N-no," Reid replied, "I haven't had the chance."

_"Ahh, well don't let it go to waste. You know how expensive they are."_

"Yes, I know. I-I have to go, now." This time he didn't wait for a reply before he disconnected the call, and dropped his phone on the ground. He almost threw it across the room, but his hands were full of that guilt sweat again, and the ground by his feet is where it ended up.

He was staring at the pretty box, and he could have sworn the box was staring back. He listened; Gideon was still on the phone. He licked his lips, and wiped his hands on the outside of his robe. A small peek couldn't hurt, could it? Like one last goodbye. He took one hesitant step after the next until he stood in front of it. He brushed his fingers over the red ribbon and bow, and then picked it up. His left shoulder protested to the extra weight, even though it was a light box, and he ignored it as he sat on the bed. He slid the ribbon off the box and let it flutter to the floor. His hand hovered for a moment before he shimmied the lid off the box.

Nestled inside were two, crystal clear, phials.


	6. One For The Road

Disclaimer: Criminal Minds isn't mine... I just like to torment Reid for fun.  
Dedicated to the writers. Why the AMPTP didn't accept that deal is beyond me. Keep trying!

Chapter 6: One For The Road

They looked smaller than he remembered. He licked his lips with a sudden want he couldn't explain, and held tightly onto the sides of the box; the lid lay forgotten on the bed beside him. They looked so delicate and innocent, settled gently on tufts of white tissue paper. He glanced around his room, unsure of what to do. It would be at this moment every morning he'd be calling Gideon for support, but he still always returned to the drug anyway, so what was the point?

If Gideon found out he was even remotely considering this, what would he say? Would he be disappointed, or consoling? Would he be upset Reid wasn't even being true to the deal, simply by having more in his possession? This thought brought Reid pause. He hadn't ever agreed to the deal that he would stop using. Not once did he say he was going to stop; only that he was sorry about it. Those were two entirely different things. So really, logic said he could without having to feel guilty about it. He bit his lip and made a small whimpering noise at the back of his throat, and then started an internal argument with himself.

_'You can't do it.' _

'Who says?'

'Gideon and Hotch. You'll loose your job permanently if either of them catches you.'

'Neither of them have to know.'

'You don't think one of them will find out eventually?'

'Let them. I don't care.'

'Yes, you do.'

A sigh, _'Maybe I do, but I never said I wanted to stop, they just assumed.' _

'Well you need to stop if you ever want to go back to work.'

'I know that, but I don't think I can.'

'Of course you can. You just need to believe you can make it through.'

He thought back to the withdrawal episode he'd had earlier and shuddered, _'No, I can't go through that again. It was almost too much, and it's going to get worse.' _

'So you don't think it'll be a little suspicious if you stop having those episodes all together?'

'Well, what else am I supposed to do?'

'Just quit, cold turkey, like they expect you to.'

He was about to educate himself on where the phrase 'cold turkey' originated before he realised that wasn't the point. _'But that's not how I want to quit. If I'm going to, IF, than I want to do it my own way. This is my way.'_ He shook his head to clear his thoughts, suddenly realising that talking to himself, albeit not out loud, was a sure-fire way to get himself locked up with his mother. 

He stopped gripping the box and just let it sit on his lap as he wiped his hands clean of the guilty sweat again. He chewed his bottom lip for a few tense minutes and then hovered his right hand over the box. He could do this, and he could do it without fear of guilt. So why was he hesitating? He no longer knew what he wanted, he knew he needed to quit, but he had such and intense urge to pick up these phials and drain them dry to make up for lost time.

Finally he reached down and ran his fingers over them. The liquid had cooled the phials to the same temperature he'd always known. A pleasant shiver ran through him followed by a hushed sound of gratification. Yes, this was right, this was true, this was what he needed. He couldn't put it off any longer; he had to do this now.

He snatched up the phials and slipped them into the deep pockets of his robe. He fumbled with the lid of the box, putting it back on. He stood trying to find some place to put it. He had no idea where; the closet? Under the bed? Yes, that would do for now. He set the box down and slid it under the bed, rather forcefully, with his foot. It was perfect; there had been just enough room between the floor and the bed frame for it to fit nicely. His hands were shaking with excitement and anticipation, but the small nagging voice at the back of his mind, telling him not to do this, was still causing the guilty sweat to coat his hands. Worse yet his brow had started to break out into the same sweat, too.

Reid paced back and forth a couple of times before heading for his bedroom door with determination. He opened it quickly and took a step back to avoid walking straight into Gideon. "Oh. Hi. Sorry. What are you doing here?"

Gideon raised both his eyebrows at Reid's short and quick vocalizations, "I was just coming to check on you, you were taking a while."

Reid forced a smile, "I'm fine. Just had to fight with the buttons; dressing is difficult."

Gideon nodded and then noted, "You took your sling off."

"Yes," Reid replied, "I c-can't really shower with it on, can I?" He was starting to get nervous and more sweat clung to his brow.

"No, I suppose you can't. You shouldn't get your dressings wet either." He pointed to the small visible corner, under Reid's open robe front, of the patch covering his wound. "Are you alright? You're looking flushed again"

Reid hadn't even paid any attention to the patch on his shoulder. He looked down at the small part he could see and shrugged his good shoulder, "I'll figure something out." He looked up at Gideon to answer the second part of the statement. "I'm fine, don't worry." He felt like they were stuck in a loop. How many times in one day would he have to insist he was fine?

"Are you sure? You look feverish."

Apparently at least one more time, "I'm fine, Gideon. Honestly, for the first time I finally feel like I'm going to be okay." A small smile tugged at the corner of his mouth, and he tried to push it down.

"Alright, I just don't want you passing out in the shower." Gideon said with a sigh. Reid nodded that he understood and Gideon looked slightly reassured, "Fifteen minutes okay? I just got off the phone; the team is on their way back into the city, Morgan wanted to stop by. Hotch wanted to too, but something came up. Anyway, Morgan will be here in about 20-25 minutes, so make it quick."

Reid nodded once more and licked his lips while he wiped his hands on his robe again. "Got it, about 15 minutes." He needed one more thing before he could go have his shower though, and Gideon was standing between him and it. "Um, I've got a few books; you're welcome to read while I'm in there."

"I know. Thank you, Spencer."

"There may be a couple new ones on the shelf by the computer." Reid tried to stay calm, but was getting anxious and fidgety.

"Thank you. I'll get out of your way, then." He stepped to the side, out of the doorway, so that Reid could exit his room. He gave Reid one last look before walking down the hall.

Reid closed the door to his room and waited until Gideon stepped around the corner into the small office area before diving onto his messenger bag. Crouched, he opened the flap with speedy hands and dove inside; he just needed one, just one. He found it without much difficulty, and pulled it out. He stopped just long enough to look at the syringe before he transferred it to his robe pocket. He pulled the flap back over the bag and stood quickly, glancing down the hall. Gideon was still around the corner, and Reid stopped to slow his breathing. _'Don't freak out. Just relax and you won't get caught.'_

Reid walked as casually as he could into the washroom, closing and locking the door behind him. He strode over to the tub and turned on the water, then started the shower. He drew the curtains around the open two sides of the tub, and then went over to the mirror. He placed his right hand against the surface next to his reflection. He looked like he'd been through hell, which he figured was probably an accurate observation. He was still dirty from the explosion, save for a spot on his forehead that the medic had cleaned around. In his opinion his hair didn't look fluffy at all. The usual darkness around his eyes seemed deeper and more pronounced. Overall, he looked and felt like he should be dead. He was unsure of how everything had happened so quickly. He remembered living an at least semi-normal life last week, and now everything had gone downhill.

There was only one thing he could consider stable. One thing that would never fail him. He had been certain, days previous, that Gideon was that one thing, but even he had left in the end. This new thing didn't have feelings he could accidentally hurt, and it couldn't hurt his. It was perfect.

His right hand left the mirror and dove into his pocket with frantic fingers, snatching up the syringe and one of the phials. It was starting to steam up in the small room, but Reid no longer cared. He sat down between the toilet and the end of the tub. There was an open space to his right, at the foot of the tub, and a small cupboard above that opening, which contained towels. He leaned his head against the wall and closed his eyes, feeling the items in his hands.

Yes, God yes. He opened his eyes and set the phial down on the tile floor beside him, so he could use both hands to open the package. He tossed the wrap from the syringe into the wastebasket and picked up the phial again. Carefully he broke the seal with the needle's point and inserted it into the container. Flipping the phial upside down he pulled on the plunger, sucking some of the contents of the phial into the syringe. He removed the needle and set the phial down again. "You have no idea how much I've wanted you." he said as he stared blankly at the syringe for a moment, before transferring it to his left hand.

This was the hard part; without moving his left shoulder too hard, he pushed up the right sleeve of his bathrobe and positioned his arm close enough to his left hand that he wouldn't have to move it too much more. He set the needle point against his skin and quivered with a passionate yearning that twisted his stomach into delightful knots. He took a deep breath in and then let it out slowly as he watched himself insert the needle into a vein.

There was a brief pause and he just sat there feeling the needle sit under his skin. Finally, without thinking, he depressed the plunger as quickly as it would let him. A small thought flittered across his mind that that was the one thing you weren't supposed to do.

There was no time for thoughts anymore, however. The euphoria that hit him was enough to knock his head back and have him release a deep moan that got covered up by the sound of the steady shower. His eyes rolled back for a brief moment before he closed them completely, and let himself slide along the wall until he was lying on his right side at the foot on the tub, sheltered by the cupboard above his head. His left hand was still touching the syringe in his right arm, and the fingers of his right hand twitched a couple times before he went still. Almost perfectly still, save for his slow, but steady, breathing.


	7. Close Call

Disclaimer: CM is not mine. No matter how much I pout and whine.  
Dedicated to the writers. Slowing to a hault again. This isn't good.

Chapter 7: Close Call

When he next opened his eyes, his head was pounding. There was no pain, though, only pressure and black dots in his vision. He twitched the fingers of both hands, noting he could move them. That was a good start, though there was something in between the fingers of his left hand. He shifted his eyes down, not daring to move his head yet, and saw the needle sticking out of his right arm, and his left hand limply surrounding it.

_'Oh, shit. What did I do?'_ he thought. He pulled the needle from his arm and set it on the floor. Next he tried to sit up, however the sudden shift in the elevation of his head sent more black dots into his vision, obliterating it completely for about 3 seconds, before it slowly dissolved back. He was able to keep himself from falling over, but was too afraid to attempt standing at this time. He was slowly becoming aware that he was hot and sweating. The shower, it was still on.

Doing his best to not move his head, he shifted forward onto his hands and knees, gravity causing the sleeve of his robe to fall back into place, and crawled forward to the head of the tub. He was sure there should be pain in his shoulder from this, but there wasn't; he smiled. Reaching past the curtain, he shut off the water, and then let himself flop back to the floor, on his side. This wasn't good, he knew this wasn't good. How long had he been out? He had no idea. As far as he knew, no one had tried to bang down the door so it couldn't have been too long right?

Slowly he helped himself stand, in small increments. Back to sitting, then kneeling, then up onto the edge of the tub, and finally a wobbly stand. He opened the door to the small cupboard in the corner that had been above his head moments ago. He pulled out a small white facecloth and wiped his brow, removing the sweat and, with it, the dirt and grime. He cleaned up his face and neck, and then pocketed the facecloth. Looking at the ground the spied the needle he'd set there, and carefully bent down to pick it up. He took it over to the wastebasket, and buried it under other bits of trash.

The mirror was still fogged up so he didn't bother checking himself over in it. He tied his robe front together, wrapping himself up in it, and then paused. There was still something he was missing. His eyes scanned the room again, looking for what he'd left behind. Near the foot of the tub he found it; the phial he's used. He knew Gideon would have his head if he found that. He picked it up and pocketed it again, then turned to the door. He swallowed and licked his lips, his hand hovering above the knob. He knew he couldn't stay in here forever.

He listened for a short moment, hearing two voices, which meant Morgan was here. He definitely couldn't put this off for any longer. He set his hand down on the knob and turned it. With a gentle pull it opened, and Reid flicked off the light and exited the room.

Both Gideon and Morgan stopped their conversation and looked at him. Gideon was on the couch again, and Morgan was sitting in the chair, both of them silent wearing neutral expressions. Reid shifted uncomfortably in their gazes and looked at the floor. "Umm, hey." he mumbled, glancing up once to see if their expressions had changed.

It was Morgan who spoke first, "Hey, yourself, Kid. We were starting to wonder."

"Oh." was Reid's simple reply. He decided after a second of silence that he should add to it, "Why?"

Gideon this time, "You were in there for about," he glanced at the clock, then at his watch, "35 minutes, maybe 40."

Reid gulped, putting together the timeline in his head. The drugs had put him about for approximately half an hour. Usually he was only out for 15 minutes maximum, which then posed the question: How much had he taken? He didn't remember measuring in his frenzy, which meant he had no idea. "Oh, sorry. Lost track of time I guess." he mumbled again, wrapping his arms around himself, protectively. He knew he looked guilty, but he just had to hope neither of them noticed.

Gideon stood and walked over to Reid, placing a hand on his shoulder. "You have any more withdrawal episodes while you were in there?" he said, looking genuinely concerned while he studied Reid. Reid's hair was dry, and still looked dirty, it didn't seem like he'd showered at all.

Reid shook his head, "No, I was fine. Probably soon, though." he fibbed. "Why do you ask?" he glanced up at Gideon, never quite making eye contact.

Gideon frowned, "No reason." He paused for a moment, "Listen, I'm going out to get groceries so I can make dinner later. Derek's going to stay here with you. If you need anything, he knows what to do."

Reid smiled weakly, but he couldn't shake the feeling that he was being transferred from one babysitter to the next. He simply nodded, afraid that if he opened his mouth he'd say something he'd regret. Gideon nodded in return and turned to walk down the hall towards the door. Reid stood at the end of the hall and watched Gideon leave before turning back towards the living room.

Morgan was lounging in his chair, giving him the trademark smile. Reid frowned, "You're in my chair."

Morgan gave him a confused look. "What?"

"Get out of my chair." he demanded calmly. When he got no immediate action he tried again, "Move, Morgan. The couch is free."

Morgan raised a brow but held up his hands in defeat, "Okay, okay, you win." He stood, moving over to the couch and flopping down on it.

Reid stood still, not moving for a moment, before he stopped hugging himself and went over to his chair. He sat down on it and immediately pulled his feet up onto the chair, curling himself into a ball, and hugging his knees.

There was silence as Morgan studied him, noting the hair just the same as Gideon had. "Hey, Kid." Reid looked up but didn't reply. Morgan sighed, "Are you sure you're alright?"

Reid nodded with a small, "Mm hmm."

It went back to silence, and it was Morgan again who broke it after several slow minutes, "How much did you take?"

Reid head snapped up, and his eyes were wide. "What? I didn't… No, I didn't take any! I swear!"

Morgan almost chuckled, "Chill, Reid. I know. I meant when you were using; how much."

"Oh…" Reid breathed a sigh of relief, "Not much. Regular dosage is 2 millilitres every 4 hours as needed. So that roughly translates to 6 times a day, which is 12 millilitres. I only ever took 1cc in the morning, and 1cc is approximately 1 millilitre." He shrugged, "That's only one-twelfth of what people normally do; I don't see the problem."

"The problem is, it got you shot, Reid. Add that to the fact you don't have a prescription…" he trailed off with a frown.

"It's better that I don't. If I did I'd be using more often then, wouldn't I?" Reid countered.

"True, but at least it'd be legal." Morgan leaned forward, looking at Reid while resting his forearms on his knees.

Reid glared, "I'm not a junkie, Morgan. I can stop at any time, and I have." another fib, though slightly larger.

He thought back to Reid's previous attitude over the past months; looked like junkie behaviour to him, now that he knew. "Yeah, and from what I heard you had a pretty serious withdrawal episode because of it, with more on the way. I'm worried about you, Reid. There are some people who may only take minimal amounts, but still get addicted just as easily. And eventually they'll start taking more, may not be for months, even a year, but it happens."

"You think I don't know that?" Reid snapped. "I knew exactly what I was getting into, and I knew to always be careful. I never broke my own rules." Again he lied.

"That's good, Reid. I'm glad." he sighed. "I guess I just wanted to make sure those drugs hadn't stolen you away from us. I'm glad we caught this before it was too late for you to stop."

Reid looked down at his knees, "Yeah… me too." he whispered. He was far too afraid to admit it might already be too late. He didn't want it to be too late for him. He wanted his second chance at a proper life, but at the same time he couldn't give up the drugs just like that. They were a part of his life just like each member of the team was. Each team member held a special place as part of who he was, part of his very soul, and so did those two little phials in his right-hand robe pocket.

Morgan sighed, "That didn't sound too convincing."

"Do I have to convince you? I wasn't aware I needed to force you into trusting me."

"You don't, Reid, but some enthusiasm would have been nice."

Reid shrugged, "I'm not in the mood for enthusiasm. I'd like to go to bed, actually."

"No way, Kid. It's too early for that." Morgan grinned.

"I don't recall asking your permission." He stood in one fluid motion and almost fell forward over the table, as black dots once again clouded his vision.

Morgan was by his side immediately, with an arm around him. "Whoa, you alright."

"I'm fine, Morgan. Just got a little light-headed." He pushed Morgan away from him, but it didn't do much good; Morgan didn't budge. "Morgan!" Reid snapped, "Just leave me alone, will you? Don't touch me." He pushed Morgan away again, and Morgan voluntarily stepped back. Reid glared at him before heading towards the hall and his room.

Morgan followed close behind, and got rewarded for his efforts with Reid's bedroom door slamming closed in front of his face. He rested his arm above his head on the doorframe and sighed. He was starting to worry they had lost the Reid they all loved.


	8. Words Unspoken

Disclaimer: I don't own CM, so don't even try to sue me for this. I make no money.  
Dedicated to the WGA. Goodness, this isn't looking good is it?

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A lie told often enough becomes the truth. - Lenin_

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Chapter 8: Words Unspoken

Morgan was sitting on the floor across from Reid's door when Gideon returned. Gideon set the bags of groceries down and frowned, "What happened?"

"He's acting like a child." Morgan shook his head. "There's still something he's not telling us. I can sense it."

Gideon nodded, "Like what he was doing in the bathroom for half an hour if he didn't wash his hair."

"Exactly. Do you think it's possible he's still using?" Morgan asked, afraid that he'd be right.

"No, I don't think so. I trust him, and I don't think he'd betray that. There has to be another explanation." Gideon mused over the possibilities.

"Shouldn't one of us at least ask? Granted he'd probably lie, but it's better than not doing anything." Morgan suggested, unsure of how much good it would do.

"I suppose your right. Do you want to take these into the kitchen?" He pointed to the bags, "I'll see if I can talk to him." He approached the door and knocked twice.

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Reid could hear them talking about him; hushed voices that weren't quite hushed enough. He was curled on his right side, on top of the covers, facing the wall to the left of the door. He tried to ignore the voices behind him, but he couldn't. They didn't trust him, and with good reason, but it still hurt. Some part of him that was just longing to be loved was breaking.

He started to shake with suppressed tears, but they fell anyway as the knocks on the door sounded. He didn't answer, maybe they'd go away. He heard the door creak open and a thin stream of light poured into the windowless room. He tried to lay still, act like he was sleeping, but he still shook as more tears he tried to hold back slipped over his nose.

Gideon noticed Reid's bare back before he noticed that his robe was lying in a corner. "Spencer?" His voice was calm, and didn't sound accusatory.

Reid still ignored him, and he heard the door close again. Then there were footsteps across the carpet, and the bed shifted under new weight. A hand touched his bare arm, and Reid groaned and turned his face into the pillow. "Go away." he mumbled.

Gideon sighed, "Spencer, we need to talk."

"About what?" Reid asked, his face still in the pillow.

"Look at me." Gideon command, but Reid didn't listen. "Spencer," he tried again, "I need you to sit up and look at me."

Reid rolled over onto his back and looked up at Gideon, tear streaks just barely visible in the darkness. "What is it?" He kept his left forearm pressed against his stomach.

Gideon swallowed and brushed a strand of Reid hair out of his eyes, "You need to tell me if you had any more of it left before you went into that alley to pick up your next supply."

Reid shook his head, "I was completely out, hence why I had to get more." At least he could be honest about that one.

"And is it safe to assume you still have the needles you used, on you?" He brushed the hair from Reid's eyes again, which had returned when he shook his head.

Reid nodded and answered hesitantly, "Y-yes, but that doesn't matter does it?"

Gideon frowned, "Not really, but you still shouldn't have them. They'll only serve as a reminder and stop your progress."

"It's fine really. I promise." Reid tried to reassure both himself and Gideon.

Gideon nodded, "Just one more thing then, what were you doing in the washroom for so long?"

Reid wanted to shrink into the pillows, "W-what do you mean? I showered."

"No you didn't. You're hair is still not washed. Don't lie to me."

_'Ok, Reid, think fast. Think fast.'_ he coached himself. "I… I had another episode. I just didn't want to tell you. I didn't want you to worry."

Gideon sighed, "That's part of the reason I'm here. To help you through those moments. I want you to call me every time it happens. I want to help you."

"I know you do, but I don't really need the help."

"You may not think you do now, but you will. Trust me."

Reid shook his head, "No, it only makes me feel like I'm useless and I can't take care of myself. When I know I can, you just have to give me a chance to get through it on my own." He'd never considered himself a good liar, but it seemed to be working now. Although, he wasn't completely lying now. "I don't want to be babied, and coddled."

"I know, Spencer, but I don't know what else to do." he admitted a small weakness there. He brushed that persistent strand of hair from Reid's eyes again, and swallowed hard.

Reid didn't want to be rude, but he wasn't sure how to put this lightly, "Just be there when and if, I need you… And leave me alone when I don't. Let me be the judge of what I need for me."

Gideon wasn't sure how clouded Reid's judgement was, though, but he wanted to believe and trust in him. "No promises, but I'll try." he finally whispered. He stood, distancing himself from Reid slightly, "Would you like me to leave you now? I can call you when dinner is ready, if you're not up by then."

Reid nodded, "Yes, thank you. I mean for everything you've done and tried to do."

Gideon paused closing his eyes with a sigh, "You're welcome." There was a moment of silence where so many things were passed between them without being said. Things that weren't often spoken out loud between two gown men, no matter how much like father and son they were. Then Gideon turned and exited the room, leaving Reid to his thoughts, and to what would hopefully be a nice rest.

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Gideon walked into the kitchen just as Morgan had finished roughly putting everything away. Gideon sighed, dumping the remaining liquid from the old pot of coffee and starting a new one.

Morgan watched him curiously. "What's up?" he finally asked, taking a casual tone.

Gideon shrugged with a frown, "I don't know. I want to believe him, but I don't know if I can."

"Why? What did he say?" Morgan probed for more.

"He said he had another withdrawal episode, and that he just didn't want to tell me. However, I had asked him that right away and he denied it." His frown deepened, "I don't know what to think."

They stood in relative silence, the coffee machine making the only noise, and pondered what could be going on. Neither of them wanted to admit that Reid could still be using. Given the evidence it was far easier to accept the withdrawal episode excuse, for neither of them knew Reid had a fresh and healthy supply to last him for a couple weeks.

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_The most profound statements are often said in silence. - Lynn Johnston_  
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A/N: Ok, I have absolutely nothing planned from this point foreward. I really have no idea what I'm doing, so if there's anything you want to see next, let me know, and I'll consider it.


	9. Ecstasy And Rapture

A/N: Sorry, slow update... like I mentioned last chapter, completely ran dry of idea's... Fortunetely, I didn't even begin to touch on what I wanted to in this chapter, which means I have that for next chapter. Yay! Enjoy.

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Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds... Maybe for christmas?  
Dedicated to the writers: Well, hopefully that's another step in the right direction.

Chapter 9: Ecstasy And Rapture

Reid exited his bedroom, rubbing his eyes sleepily. He hadn't slept at all, just lay there for hours, but he figured he should at least make it look like he had. He was wearing his robe again, though the two tiny phials were tucked safely in the box under his bed, and the dirty facecloth had been thrown into the laundry hamper. Reid looked up through the opening in the wall into the kitchen.

Gideon smiled at him, "I was just about to call you, dinner's ready."

"I know." Reid mumbled. Gideon gave him a look, and Reid shook his head, "I heard you taking, just after I woke up."

Gideon nodded, "Alright, well have a seat and Ill bring you your plate."

Reid nodded, "What did you make?"

From behind Gideon, Morgan, who was sitting on the counter, felt the need to answer, "Spanish Rice. I haven't had any since my mom used to make it back home. Looking forward to this; let's eat, already."

Reid looked at him and frowned. "Get off the counter." his tone was slightly cold, so he added, "Please." to take away the edge.

Morgan hopped down instantly, "Sorry, Kid."

Reid didn't think he looked sorry, but decided to ignore it. He strode over to his chair and sat down, curling his legs up under him as had become his recent custom. He could smell the food, but he didn't feel like eating anything. He wasn't sure if it was guilt or just a lack of appetite in general. Gideon brought over a plate of white rice, topped with a ground beef sauce, complete with onions, corn, and a multitude of spices. Reid took it with a quiet, "Thank you." and Gideon handed him a fork before dishing up a plate for both himself and Morgan.

They took their seats on the couch and ate with only the occasional comment between them. Reid pushed his fork around on his plate with a sigh, mixing together the rice with the sauce, but hardly ate anything. Gideon and Morgan finished their plates at roughly the same time, while Reid's was still almost full.

Morgan grinned, "That was great. Different from how mom used to make it, but just as good."

"Thank you, Derek. I'm glad you enjoyed it." Gideon said with a small smile. They both turned to Reid, who was staring at a spot on the wall, one hand under his chin, and the other steadying the plate on his lap. Gideon frowned, "Spencer, you've hardly touched your food. Something wrong?"

Reid shook his head, "The food is fine, I'm just not hungry. Not feeling well, or something."

Morgan looked concerned, but it was Gideon who spoke, "Another episode coming on?"

"No, it's not that." he said, knowing immediately afterwards he should have said yes. He was probably due to have another, and he knew he wasn't going to. He wasn't sure how much longer he could put it off before he'd have to fake one. "Well, maybe it is. I don't know." he changed his story slightly, hoping it seemed natural. "I don't exactly have too much experience in the area of withdrawals; not sure if I can tell when one's coming."

Gideon glanced at Morgan, but nodded understandingly. It seemed unlikely that one wouldn't be able to tell. "Well, you've already had two today, perhaps that's all you'll get. I'd imagine they'll become more frequent on the days that it peaks." Gideon offered a suggestion, though he wasn't sure why he was helping Reid cover his tracks.

Reid sighed, "Yeah, you're probably right." He forced a weak smile for the other two men, which neither of them returned. "W-what?" he was suddenly nervous.

"Reid," Morgan look deathly serious, "you would tell us if you had any more Dilaudid left, right? Because you want to quit, correct? So, you would tell us, so we could get rid of it for you, yes?"

Reid set his plate down on the table and shrunk back into his chair. "Why would you think that I wouldn't?" he asked.

"Don't answer me with a question, Reid. Answer me properly." Morgan's voice was firm, but in no way devoid of feeling. In fact, he couldn't hide the worry that laced each syllable.

"O-of course I would, Morgan." He lifted up his robe sleeve and looked at the marks on the inside of his slender arm, "I don't want this." He felt sick to his stomach again, just at the sight. It was true he had wanted to quit, or else he'd never have reached out to Gideon in the first place, but now he wasn't so sure. The pain in his shoulder was going to start coming back, so maybe he could just keep taking it until that was healed. At least he'd be using it for its intended reasons.

He was still staring at the marks on his arm, so he hadn't noticed Morgan get up from the couch and crouch down next to him, on his right side. It wasn't until Morgan gently took hold of Reid's wrist that Reid snapped out of his slight daze. He pulled back, but Morgan just tightened his grip, so Reid pushed his robe sleeve down again, and held it there. "Don't. Please, don't." he begged. "They were never something I'd ever intended you to see."

"But he has seen them, Spencer," Gideon said softly. Reid looked up from Morgan to see Gideon standing directly behind him, looking down on them both. "He's seen them, so what difference does it make?"

Reid closed his eyes and shook his head fitfully, almost like a child, "No, please." He opened his eyes and looked at Morgan again, "I don't want you to have that image of me in your head. To see the filth and grime I've let myself become."

Morgan forced down the words that had bubbled up inside him, that it was already too late for that, and shook his head, "Don't talk like that, Kid. You only become filth and grime if you stop fighting. Those marks will heal in time, and so will your shoulder, and your soul, and your mind."

"There's nothing wrong with my mind, Morgan." Reid stated, unpleased with that statement.

"Obviously there is, but that's not the point. I just want to help you, Reid. We both do. I just want to see the damage, mark your progress or something. Don't shy away from me now." Morgan was still trying to be firm, but the fact that Reid was resisting them only heightened his concern.

Reid closed his eyes with an almost whimpering sound, and looked away, releasing his grip on his sleeve. Morgan glanced up at Gideon, who nodded, and then back at Reid's covered arm. He slid the sleeve up and grimaced at the sight. Not only were there a handful of track marks, but the skin looked red and irritated. Morgan silently pointed out a couple to Gideon who closed his eyes with a sigh, trying to stay strong. "Reid," Morgan whispered, "why are some of these fresh? When was the last time you," he choked on the words, "shot up."

"I-I-I…" a pause, no reply. Morgan sighed and was about to speak before Reid finally said something, "I-I-I w-was picked at them earlier. Probably broke a few open."

Morgan nodded, "And the last time you did it?"

"Y-yesterday, around noon. Maybe before, I don't really remember." Reid admitted, knowing they could easily put together where he was at that time.

And they did, "While you were trapped with the other hostages?" Morgan asked, though it wasn't a question that needed an answer, Reid nodded anyway.

Gideon sighed, "The doctor said the morphine interaction could have only happened within the last 6 hours. That should have been enough of a clue."

Morgan closed his eyes, to keep Reid from seeing the fury that was building up behind them, even though Reid's face was still turned away. "You were supposed to be protecting them, and instead you doped yourself up. Why? Faced with such a hard situation you turn to drugs to help you escape, rather than forming a plan?"

"It wasn't like that, Derek!" Reid snapped, whipping his head back to face him. "I couldn't think straight, my head felt like it was about to explode. I did what I had to do, so that I could think well enough to get those people out. I was starting to go through withdrawals; I'd have been completely useless to them if I hadn't." He looked up at Gideon and Morgan followed his gaze.

Gideon nodded, "It's true, he wouldn't have done them any good unless he had a stable head on his shoulders."

"Thank you." Reid replied looking satisfied.

"I'm not finished, Spencer." Gideon stepped between Morgan and the table to the front of Reid's chair. He bent down, once more brushing the hair off Reid's face. "Even given the circumstances, I'd have rather you rode the episode out, than immediately turn back to the drugs. You'd have been just as level headed if you'd pushed through it."

Reid looked down at his lap, bowing his head, "You're disappointed in me. You think I made the wrong choice, but you weren't there with me. I couldn't have gotten through a full blown episode without you. I barely made it through the one today, and you were there."

"The two today, Reid." Morgan corrected.

"What?" Reid looked up and seemed confused for a second, and he tilted his head looking at Morgan.

"You had two episodes today, one with Gideon and one that you got through fine without him."

"Oh, right." Reid looked down again, "The two today. See my brain's all fuzzy and clouded, I can't think straight." He pulled his arm away from Morgan and clasped his hands together, holding them tightly on his lap as his palms started to sweat.

Gideon reached down and placed his left hand on Reid's right shoulder, and his right hand under Reid's chin. "Look at me, please, Spencer." and he gently lifted Reid's head up. They gazed into each other's eyes while Gideon moved his hand to cup Reid's cheek. Gideon sighed, "Don't ever lie to me again."

"I haven't lied." Reid insisted as his voice cracked, and his eyes became slightly wetter.

"Swear to me you haven't." Gideon almost sounded like he was pleading, like this was something he had to hear to save his own life.

"I s-s-swear." Reid said, trying to keep eye contact through the lie. He was successful, but Gideon still didn't look convinced.

"Tell me that quitting is something you actually want to do. If it's not this is going to be an impossible road, no matter how much I help you, you can't do it unless you want to, and you commit to it." Gideon took his hand off Reid's face and placed it on his other shoulder, holding him firmly. "Tell me."

Reid hissed in air and tried to pull back, but the chair stopped him, as pain coursed through his shoulder. "Watch it!" he said the words through the intake of air. The pain dulled to a throb as Gideon removed his hands, apologetically.

"Sorry, Spencer. I wasn't paying attention." he looked down at his hand, realising his thumb had been directly over the wound.

Reid wasn't paying attention; he was fighting an internal panic that had sprung up. Pain, the pain was coming back. He hadn't really noticed, when he'd been using the drug with no pain for it to cure, how much it really did wear off after a quarter of a day. At least it was only throbbing, he could deal with throbbing so long as it wasn't accompanied by shooting pains. However, he had no doubt those would join his ailments before the day was done.

He leaned his head back and hugged himself, gazing at the ceiling and nibbling his lower lip. He thought about taking another dose to stop the pain before it started. That was what the doctors say to do; take at first sign of symptoms. He thought of the phials tucked safely under his bed, and the note in the drawer next to the bed. He thought of his dealer sending him those very things, and released a short burst of air from his nose, _'Yes, thank you.' _he thought, _'You knew exactly what I'd need.'_

He wished he could just hold the phials right now, he didn't need to take any, he just wanted to grasp them and keep them close. Even though he knew he didn't need to take any he still thought about it. He thought about the pressure and slight pinch as the needle broke the skin. He thought of how, when he paid close attention, he could feel the liquid enter his vein. He was then reminded of the lightness, and euphoria it brought. How it made everything go away; made him numb. He could practically feel how it made him melt inside, and he closed his eyes, smiling to himself. Oh, how he wanted to experience that again, right now. He almost didn't care if he was caught, so long as he wasn't stopped. His eyelid's fluttered and he bit down on his lip to hold in any sound he might make.

A snapping sound brought him from his stupor, and he opened his eyes. He blinked a few times at Morgan's snapping fingers in front of him, accompanied by a concerned look and Morgan's voice, "Hey, Reid! Reid? There you are. Hell, don't do that. Nearly gave me a heart attack."

"S-sorry, I was just in my own little world."

"Oh?" Morgan inquired, "Where'd you go?"

Reid shrugged, "I was just thinking. It was nothing."

"Obviously it was something. You looked…" he couldn't even think of words to describe the look that had been on Reid's face. It had been a mixture of many different content and exhilarated expressions.

"It's not important." he sighed deeply. "Sorry I worried you, there." He looked over at Gideon who was wearing a blank expression. _'Does he know what I was thinking? Does he know how much I love the… no, lust for the drug? That's what it is; pure, unadulterated, lust.'_

Gideon turned from him and made his way back over to the couch. Eventually, Morgan followed suit; neither of them forgiving him for their worry. Reid counted the seconds on the ticking clock, and chewed his lower lip again, while nervously fiddling with his hands.


	10. Disclosures And Admissions

A/N: Last chapter until after Christmas probably. Putting it on hold to write a Christmas fic, so don't forget to author alert if you haven't already, and stay tuned!  
Cheers & Happy Holidays!

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Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is not mine. I just like to borrow.  
Dedicated to the writers. One day at a time it seems.

Chapter 10: Disclosures And Admissions

The second ticked by agonizingly slow for Reid, and he watched the two people in front of him while he twisted his hands nervously, blocking out the pain in his shoulder. Neither Gideon nor Morgan would look at him for very long. They would glance up for a second, maybe two, and then look away again. It was starting to irk Reid beyond all measure. He had to do something to break the silence and the tension.

"S-so," Reid addressed Morgan, "Gideon told me that Hotch had wanted to come too, but something came up. What happened?"

Morgan sighed, "Received a phone call and then said he couldn't make it. Mentioned something about needing to go down to the local PD."

Reid looked over at Gideon, "About the murder down the street." It was the most likely option he could think of.

Gideon nodded, and Morgan gave him a questioning look. "The man who shot Spencer was murdered, execution style, just a couple blocks away.

"How do you know its Reid's shooter?" Morgan was glancing back and forth between them.

"Because, Spencer identified him." Gideon explained. "We were driving by and stopped to see if there was anything we could do."

"Hell, Reid." Morgan turned to him, "That can't be a coincidence. Someone is sending a message."

Reid fidgeted nervously. He knew exactly who it was, and why. "I-I'd never considered that. You might be right, but I don't know who." He looked down at his hands twisting on his lap, and tried to still them so he wouldn't look so guilty.

The two older men looked at him silently, and the tension grew again before Morgan broke it with words. "You do know, so just tell us."

Reid shook his head, "No, I don't know, at least nothing useful."

"Then tell us what you do know, Spencer." Gideon's voice was soft and calming.

"It won't make a difference, so I'd rather not." he was being stubborn, and he knew it, but at least he wasn't completely lying, just withholding the truth.

"You know as well as either of us, Reid, that every little bit helps." Morgan continued trying to persuade him.

A sigh, "Yeah, I know that, but really… this won't help."

"Just tell us. We'll decide if it helps or not." Morgan was starting to leave no room for negotiation.

"Why won't you just take my word for it?" Reid grumbled. He was given no reply so he sighed and gave in to their silence; "Fine, I know exactly who." he was being blunt, no use sugar coating it, "It was my dealer… ex-dealer… whoever he is. That's all I can tell you."

Gideon nodded with a sigh, accepting the information as truth, "Give us his name, Spencer."

"Would love to, really I would," he didn't bother to hide the sarcasm, "but I don't know it. Was never given his name, and I never asked. I've never even met him, so don't even ask me to identify him. All dealings are done over the phone, and he has a large supply of lackeys to do the drops for him. And I can almost guarantee you won't be able to trace a call, he's too smart for that. You won't be dealing with a typical street dealer; he's closer to mob or mafia status. Heck, I wouldn't be surprised if he was, except D.C. isn't known to have any mafia connections. However, from what I've gathered, his system of operation is much the same."

Morgan took in a deep breath, then let it out long and slow, raking a hand through his short hair. Gideon reacted much the same, but tried to stay positive, "That's good, Spencer. Now we know he's extremely organised, and meticulous. We know how he thinks, and that's how we do our job."

"Gee, Kid, you couldn't have made this easy for us?" Morgan teased, trying to make light of the situation.

"I never planned on getting caught." Reid shot back before he could stop himself. He knew there were at least two ways in which that could be taken; one, that he was going to get through it on his own, quit on his own terms, and thus the team would never have to look, and two, that he'd searched for the best dealer to assure he'd never get caught. He wasn't sure which way Morgan and Gideon had taken it, and their blank expressions weren't very comforting. "S-sorry." he mumbled.

After a moment's silence Morgan spoke again, "Are you willing to help us catch him?"

"Were you listening to me at all, Morgan? You can't catch him, it's not possible. You can catch his drop-boys, and perhaps even the next people up from them, but not him. Chances are he didn't dirty his hands with this anyway, so the person who committed the actual murder is someone else."

"Yes, but he gave the order, which means he's just as guilty." Morgan replied.

"True," Reid answered, "but you won't find any connection to him. I told you, he's smart."

"Well no one's smarter than you, and you seem to be pretty stupid these days." Morgan said, standing up quickly. He glanced at Gideon, "I should go. Who knows what kind of day we'll have tomorrow." He made his way to the door, and Gideon stood to follow him.

Reid stayed put, and listened to their hushed whispers. He wasn't sure what was being said, but knew it had to be about him, or they wouldn't be whispering. Slowly he was becoming aware that his shoulder still hurt, now that there was nothing to distract him from it. He stood and walked down the hall, and the whispering stopped as he approached. He glanced from one to the other a few times before shaking his head. "Goodnight, Morgan." he said, placing a hand on the knob of his bedroom door and opening it.

He stepped into his room, and closed the door. There was no window and he hadn't turn on a light; the darkness hit him like a large gust of wind and he shuddered. The majority of the time he could handle the dark of his room, it was the only room in which the dark never bothered him, but at this moment it did. He rushed over to his bedside table and clicked on the small lamp. It was a minor amount of illumination, but it was enough to comfort him.

He sat down on his bed, and shrugged out of his robe with a wince of pain. He sat in silence, only his thoughts for company, and chewed on his lower lip. He strummed his fingers against the edge of the bed on either side of him. Next he wiggled his toes on the carpet and gripped the bed tightly. Finally strummed his fingers and wiggled his toes at the same time, all the while still chewing his lip. He knew these actions, and the thoughts that accompanied them. He glanced at the phone on the table, next to the lamp, and this was when he'd call Gideon. However, he didn't need to do that, Gideon was right outside the door; he could just use his voice.

Reid remained silent however, and still contemplated what he was going to do. He wasn't sure how the doctors expected him to get through this without any painkillers. Unless they thought he did have painkillers; that he was taking his Dilaudid legally. If that was the case, then he should be taking some as prescribed. He fretted over this until there was a knock at the door.

He looked up as the door opened and Gideon entered the room, and then closed the door behind him. He took a few strides over to the bed and sat down next to Reid. There were a few moments of silence before Gideon spoke, "He didn't mean it."

"Yes he did, and he's right." Reid replied.

"Well, he apologises. He hadn't meant for it to sound so harsh."

"Hmm, I don't see him in here apologizing. Obviously didn't bother his conscience enough for him to make an effort to apologise himself, rather than sending you to do it for him."

Gideon sighed, "He didn't send me to do anything."

"Well if he wanted you to tell me he was sorry, then he sent you. Either that or you're lying and he never said anything. And if I'm not allowed to lie, then you're not either." he was sure that was a fair deal, even though he hadn't been following it.

"You're right, Spencer, and I'm not lying."

"Good," Reid replied, though Gideon's reply hadn't been what he was expecting, "then neither am I." His thoughts drifted to the box that was sitting somewhere under them. Just because he hadn't told Gideon about it, doesn't mean that he was lying about it, exactly. He was just withholding the truth, which wasn't necessarily a crime, in and of itself.

Gideon sighed, "How's the shoulder?"

Reid groaned, "It hurts, of course, and it's getting worse."

"I can probably give you an aspirin, if you have some in your medicine cabinet." Gideon offered.

A shake of the head, "No, that won't help. I need something--" he stopped himself.

"Something, what? Spencer?"

Reid gripped the edge of the bed and looked down at his toes as he wiggled them again, "S-something stronger." he whispered.

Gideon nodded, "That's what I was afraid of. You know even if I had it I wouldn't give it to you. You may think it's what you need, but it's not."

"I know, I know, but," his stomach twisted into knots, and he swallowed hard, "I still want it, Gideon. My body still needs to have it."

"Yes, but you can get through that. Push passed that craving, fight it and you'll come out on the other side stronger."

Reid shook his head, "I need that strength now, not after, because I can't get through it without it."

"I'll be here, take the strength from me."

Reid shook his head, "That… That's not enough."

Gideon tried not to let that bother him. "It's going to have to be, because that's all I've got."

Reid sighed; he didn't think Gideon was ever going to understand. No one could really, until they went through it. Until someone experienced this for themselves there was no way they could comprehend how hard it was. He saw Gideon check his watch, so he looked at him expectantly, knowing he was about to say something.

"It's still early, but you should rest before another episode hits you. It'll be worse if you're already weakened; you didn't eat so you definitely need to sleep."

"Its better that I didn't eat, at least now there won't be anything to throw up. I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep, though. It's seeming rather improbable at this stage."

"You should try, and I'll sit here with you until you do." he tried to give an encouraging smile.

"Thanks." Reid replied as he stood, even though that was the last thing he wanted. Gideon removed Reid's bathrobe from the bed and stood as well, handing the robe to Reid. Reid simply tossed it into the corner with the rest of the clothes starting to pile there, and pulled the blankets back on the bed. He lay down on his right side, facing the wall, and pulled the covers up to his neck. He felt Gideon's weight on the bed as he sat down behind him, and placed a comforting hand on his arm, through the blankets.


	11. Prescription Use

A/N: Ok that hiatus took a LOT longer than expected, and the 'one shot' I did ended up being 14 chapters (15 with the extras) But now that that's out of the way I can focus on this again! Yay!! So once again I welcome any suggestions on what you'd like to see. No guarantees it'll get used, but I'd still like to pick your brains if I could.  
Cheers all! And thanks to everyone who's still with me on this.

Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is not mine. I do not make any cash off this, as much as I would like to.  
Dedicated to the writers: Super glad you all got a fairly decent deal. Which means no more dedications from me, but new Criminal Minds episodes April 2nd!! Good luck!

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Chapter 11: Prescription Use

Reid drifted into a light sleep, waking when Gideon finally stood up and left the room. He stayed still and silent just listening to Gideon move about the apartment. First to the washroom, and then to the living room. Reid waited until he heard the soft snores before he got up and tiptoed to the door. He pressed one foot up against the door to hold it still, trying not to move his left shoulder. The pain was starting to come back in full swing and he needed to do something to stop it. He slowly turned the knob until it stopped and then removed his foot so he could pull the door open without a sound.

He tiptoed toward his messenger bag, hanging on its hook, and crouched down. With one hand he quietly opened the flap, and reached inside. He licked his lips and searched with as much silence as he could manage for another syringe. He found his stash and pulled out a handful, leaving a few still in the bag. He didn't have many left, which would mean going in to the clinic for more. When he'd find the time would be the hardest thing.

He held the wrapped syringes in his hand and closed the flap on his back. Next he tiptoed to the bathroom, and very, very, carefully reached into the wastebasket to retrieve the needle he'd hidden there earlier. The last thing he wanted was to prick himself on it. Granted it was only his blood on it, but it still wouldn't be pleasant. Luckily his fingers brushed up against the plunger end and he was able to remove it without too much rustling.

The next step was back to the bedroom. He glanced into the living room and could just see Gideon's head. The back of the couch was now lacking the throw blanket, so he assumed it's what Gideon used to cover himself with. He could still hear the soft snores so he just focused on staying calm and quiet. Getting caught was not an option. Silent steps back to his bedroom door, and then safely to the other side.

He noiselessly closed his bedroom door and then stepped over to the closet at the foot of his bed. He tossed the packaged needles onto his bed and kept the used one in his left hand for a container on the top shelf. He had promised himself to always be safe with his drug use, and that wasn't going to stop. He felt ashamed about not disposing of his needles at the motel properly so the least he could do was make sure he did things correctly at home.

With only one good arm and some difficult manoeuvring he managed to take the thick plastic container off the shelf. It was clearly marked 'SHARPS' and had warnings to indicate safe handling was required. He'd gotten it for free at the clinic a few blocks away. He liked the people there. Always kind and polite, and never asking any questions as to why he came in once a month to take advantage of their needle exchange program. He supposed it wasn't their place to ask questions, but they didn't even want his name.

It was comforting in a way, not being restricted, and not having to reveal who he was. It was just a simple in and out routine. Full container handed over the counter, empty container and 30 more individual packages handed back. And all free of charge. He'd make small talk as he waited, nothing too deep. Though once he didn't catch himself before spouting off a fact on the amount of carelessly discarded sharps each year in the state of Maryland.

The nurses had just smiled at him cutely while he blushed at his slip-up and tried to stop his hands from shaking due to how badly he'd needed a fix that day. It was a bittersweet memory. The team had just gotten back from a case and not a day too soon for Reid. Having just run out of his supply of needles he knew he'd have to go to the clinic and get more. With a 24 hour clinic it wasn't an impossible task, but he'd chosen to wait until morning. Exhaustion took over and he'd slept in later than he'd anticipated and the shakes had started on his walk into the clinic. No one seemed to notice or say anything, and the staff was as friendly as ever. One had giggled at his fact, and an older woman nodded and said, "Yes, we know that, dear. That's why we're here." He'd been embarrassed but the memory still brought a smile to his face if he could ignore the drugs part of it.

Reid sat down on his bed, sharps container in one hand and used needle in the other. Needless to say he liked the nurses at the clinic. He was surrounded with a sense of security and safety there. A different sort of security than that which he felt, most of the time, with the team. Perhaps that was because it had to do with a different part of his life. Different part, different safety zone. With a sigh and a soft smile he pushed the needle through the hole in the top of the container, and then leaned forward to put it on the floor by his feet.

He winced and let out a small hiss of pain as he jostled his shoulder slightly. He bit down on his tongue to distract himself until the initial jolt had subsided. He was left with shooting pains through his shoulder in time with his heartbeat, which only further solidified what he was going to do. Taking more care with his movements he slid from the bed and knelt on the floor. Tipping the container on its side he slid it under the bed, and then grabbed the small gift box which contained his phials.

He shimmied the lid off the box and grabbed the phial that he'd previously used. He looked at the contents and frowned. There was less in there than usual after one dose, so now he was really unsure of how much he'd taken earlier. He reached up to the lamp on the bedside table and turned it on. It wasn't dark in the room, but it was definitely too dim for him to be able to see what he was doing, and this was something that he needed to see clearly in order to succeed at.

Phial in hand he turned his body toward the bed so he could grab one of the packages off it. He opened it with his teeth and readied the needle against the phial. He held the phial upside-down like usual and inserted the needle's point. He carefully watched how much he was drawing out, this time. At 1cc he paused and concentrated on the pain in his shoulder. With a frown he pulled the plunger out further drawing up one more cc, and bringing the total to 2.

He set the phial back in the box, then grabbed the remaining needle packages and put them inside as well. Finally he put the lid back on it and slid it under the bed again. He realised now he'd left something vital to this whole operation in his bag. He set the readied needle on the side table and padded back to the door. He opened it enough for him to get out, and turned immediately toward his bag.

He hadn't taken as much as a step before a voiced stopped him. "What are you doing, Spencer?" Gideon asked from down the hall.

"I-I just need to get something from my bag." Reid replied, knowing telling the truth, though maybe not the whole truth, would better for him. He turned around to face Gideon and crossed his arms, wincing at the pain in his shoulder, "What are _you_ doing?"

Gideon pointed to the bathroom door. "Washroom." he replied simply.

"Aahh, okay." Reid forced a smile, "I won't hold you up then." The possibility that Gideon was lying to him crossed his mind, knowing that Gideon had gone to the washroom when he left his bedside less than an hour before. Not wanting to let his doubt show on his face he pushed it aside and turned back to his bag. He walked towards it, waiting until he heard the bathroom door close before he crouched and opened his bag, reaching inside for the rubber tourniquet. He snagged it quickly and went back to his room, closing the door.

Reid let out a breath he hadn't been aware he was holding and then walked over to the bed. He picked the needle up and sat down on the bed, crossing his legs with his back to the door. He held the syringe between his teeth as he tried to tie the tourniquet. It was proving to be a lot more difficult than anticipated, without moving his shoulder too much. With a sigh he took the needle from his mouth and set it on the bed in front of him. He was sure that wasn't good for sterilization if the point made contact but right now he didn't really care.

He lay the tourniquet across his lap and placed his arm over it, twisting his wrist to grab hold of one end. The other end he took in his left hand then transferred the end in his right to his mouth. Holding it between his teeth he let the fingers of his left hand cross its end over and then under the other side, then pulled as much as he could while he tilted his head back. With a small prayer he let go of both ends and hoped that it was snap snugly into place. It did.

With a smile he picked up the syringe, put it in his left hand, and readied the needle's point against his skin. He heard the toilet flush in the next room, and his heart skipped a beat. For a moment he'd forgotten about Gideon. A part of him wanted to call out to him, to make him stop before be did this. But another part, the part in pain, needed this to happen. Not for the high, and the escape from life, but for the way it was meant to be used. That surely wasn't a crime, was it?

He took a breath and blocked out the sounds from the next room. He pierced his skin with the needle's point and let out his breath while depressing the plunger. He closed his eyes and smiled at the familiar tingle through his veins. He removed the needle and leaned over to the side table, pulling open the drawer and placing it inside. He'd put it in the container under his bed tomorrow. He tugged at the tourniquet, pulling it off and placing it in the drawer as well. He closed the drawer as his head started swimming and turned off the lamp.

Slowly he lowered himself down onto his right side, facing the wall, and pulled the covers up with a lopsided smile. He thought he should yell at himself for being such an idiot, but even if he wanted to he couldn't do that right now. He wasn't aware that he'd still get such a rush when it was legitimately being used for pain relief. He let his jaw slacken, and his eyes droop partially closed. Bliss was an understatement.

He wanted to kick himself for shooting up twice in one day, but that was still less than normally prescribed so maybe it wasn't so bad. He wondered if he should talk to Gideon about it; see if he'd approve of using it for the pain, just until his shoulder was better. He wanted to weigh the options but the higher dosage running through his blood stream wouldn't let him. He thought he heard some dull thuds right before he was transported into a glorious state of unconsciousness.

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A/N: Was going to do more, but I know you've all been dying for an update! So I'll leave it for the next chapter. It might end up being a shorter chapter though. Thanks to everyone for sticking with this story. I love you all! And I know there was at least one person who may not have been too pleased about Reid using again, but this is going to be a long road… there's going to be lots of bumps before he reaches the end.


	12. Tomorrow never comes

A/N: Stupid chapter. Had to re-write my first 700 words because I lost them when my computer died. And I hate re-writing! Really do. So put it off for ages. Anyway, this chapter is a bit shorter like I predicted it would be, but hopefully you still enjoy it.  
Cheers!

A/N2: Stupid formating... Everything is just stupid! Soooo rather than uploading a Word doc like I had wanted to (because they're accepted now) I have once again been forced to transfer it to wordpad. Take that! I win!

Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is not mine.

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Chapter 12: Tomorrow (never comes)

Gideon stepped into the bathroom and closed the door behind him. He heaved a heavy sigh and ran his hands down his face. He's just lied to Spencer. After scolding Reid for lying he'd done it without a second thought. He couldn't have been truthful though. He couldn't have told Reid he was going to check up on him. That would have only made the situation worse because Reid would have felt as if he wasn't being trusted, and that wasn't the case at all.

Gideon wasn't sure why he'd felt the need to check on Reid. He'd just had this urge that couldn't be contained. So powerful it woke him from sleep and demanded he listen. Obviously there was something important; he just had to figure out what it was. He hadn't expected Reid to be awake, and so that opened up a million options, and closed a few others.

There was one option staring him right in the face, demanding to be seen, and it was the one he was trying to ignore more than any other. The facts didn't add up for that to be the case. Of course, the facts were only facts if Reid had been truthful, and now more than ever Gideon was starting to suspect he hadn't been. There had been suspicions earlier in the day, but he'd still wanted to have faith and trust in Reid. Now that didn't seem like it would be a possible scenario.

When he'd assumed enough time had passed, he reached over and flushed the toilet then exited the room. He took a couple steps to the front of Reid's bedroom door and then stopped. He listened to the sounds on the other end as his stomach tied itself into knots. A combination of fear and worry paralysing him from reacting in any way. All he could do was listen.

The opening and closing of a drawer, then the movement of the bed sheets and blankets. After that came a series of sounds he wished he'd never heard. A moan of pure and blissful pleasure, and then a soft sigh of content, completed by light and airy giggles; all sounds Reid hadn't even been aware of making. Gideon closed his eyes and tried to stop his insides from strangling themselves. He took a deep breath, and then knocked.

Thirty seconds passed and there came no answer from the other side of the door. Gideon cautiously put his hand on the knob and turned, pushing open the door quietly. He opened it just enough to see Reid's still form under the covers. The steady rise and fall of breathing he could see in the dim light was but a small comfort. Too many other things were pressing against his mind, begging, pleading, and occasionally demanding, he pay attention. Some told him to run away, or at the very least turn around and go back to bed, while others told him to proceed and find out exactly what had just gone on here.

He couldn't turn his back now. He wasn't sure what he would find though. Sure there had been suspicions. Both he and Morgan had their doubts, but he'd wanted so very desperately to believe Reid. How he had a chance to find out for sure and he couldn't pass that up, no matter the outcome. Taking a deep breath he pushed the door open a little more and stepping into the room.

Quietly he walked across the room and sat down on the edge of the bed. He knew Reid was a light sleeper, so that should have woken him up, but it didn't. Gideon frowned, "Spencer?" Again no response. "Reid, wake up." Nothing. His frown deepened, that should have definitely woken him. Carefully he put a hand on Reid's injured shoulder, doing his best not to hurt him and rolled him onto his back.

Getting no reaction wasn't the first thing he noticed. The first thing he noticed was that Reid's eyes were only partially closed, and his lips held a very lopsided smile. He let his eyes wander down from Reid's face to his right shoulder, and then to the blanket covering his arm. Hesitantly he moved his hand over the edge of the blanket and took it within his grasp.

With slow movements he started pulling the cover down out of the way. The first thing that came into sight now was the red band around Reid's upper arm, where the tourniquet had pinched the skin. Gideon swallowed hard and took a deep breath before continuing to move the cover out of the way. The next thing he saw made his stomach flip and he closed his eyes to stop the tears from slipping. The lighting was dim in the room, but it was still easy to make out the fresh needle mark, in comparison to the rest around it. If it had just simply been scratched at, more than one would be red, and the skin around it would be irritated too. This wasn't; this was just a perfect small red dot.

Gideon wanted to get angry, to yell at Reid for lying and for still using. However, he knew Reid wouldn't hear him in the state he was in now. And he also knew yelling wouldn't make Reid listen. To this point it had only made him more defiant. So all Gideon could do for the moment was try to get some sleep, and think about which approach to take in the morning. One thing for sure, they would be having a serious talk. He pulled the blanket back up to where it was and then leaned down, giving Reid a light kiss on his forehead. It felt like an odd action to him, but his paternal instincts had told him to do it.

He stood from the bed and walked back to the door, forcing himself not to look back. Tomorrow. They would deal with this all tomorrow. Quietly he closed the door, and walked the path back to the living room. As he sat down on the couch his ears were assaulted by a loud buzzing noise. Gideon glanced up at his phone vibrating on the coffee table and snatched it up.

"Gideon." he answered.

The reply came from Hotch, "_Evening Jason. I hope I'm not calling too late._"

Gideon glanced at his watch, it was still early, which told him that Aaron had held off calling as long as possible, and had already rehearsed what he was going to say. "No, Aaron, it's not too late. What do you need?"

There was a soft sigh on the other end of the line, "_Can I talk to Reid?_"

"He's… sleeping."

"_Oh. Is he… How is he?_"

Gideon paused, thinking over his words, "He could be better."

"_I'd like to come over tomorrow, maybe bring the whole team for a visit, if you don't think that would be a problem._"

"I can't speak for Spencer. Who knows what he'll want." Gideon sighed.

"_I understand that. I would still like to come over. There's lots I need to talk to him about._" There was a brief pause before Hotch continued. "_Does he seem mad about being taken off the case?_"

Gideon sighed again, "Aaron, right now he seems mad over everything. He hasn't mentioned that specifically though." There was a long moment of awkward silence in which neither of them spoke, or seemed to breathe. Finally Gideon let his breath out hard and spoke in a low rushed voice, "He's still using, Aaron."

Stunned silence this time, and then Hotchner's confused tone, "_I was under the impression he didn't have any more._"

"So was I, but he does. I haven't actually found it yet, but I know."

"_Morgan told me he'd had withdrawals, though._" Hotch still sounded confused.

"And he did, one for sure. He told us he'd had another, but I'm not too certain. I just found him passed out on his bed with a fresh needle mark in his arm, Aaron." The calm composure he'd had up till now was starting to break, evident by the strain in his voice.

Hotch must have picked up on this, "_Hey, we'll get him through this. You're not the only one he's important to. We're all family._"

Gideon heaved a sigh, and remained silent for a few moments, before speaking again. "You should have fired him on the spot. If you were following protocol, he should have been fired."

"_I know that, Jason, but I didn't._"

"If this gets up to Strauss you'll both have your heads on the line."

"_I know that too, but it won't get to her because only the team members know, and it'll stay that way. If she starts asking questions about his absence I'll come up with something, but until then let's not worry about it. We've got enough to worry about now._"

Gideon nodded to himself, "Your right. One thing at a time." he sighed again, "Tomorrow?"

"_Yeah, I'll talk to you tomorrow, Jason. Try to get some sleep, you sound like you need it._"

Gideon smiled weakly, "Thanks." Gideon hung up the phone and put it back down on the table. Lonely seconds ticked by before he grabbed the throw blanket that was bunched up at the foot of the couch, and lay back down for a fitful nights sleep.


	13. Conditions And Truths

Disclaimer: I do not own CM... unfortunetly

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_It's not the load that breaks you down - it's the way you carry it._

-Lou Holtz

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Chapter 13: Conditions And Truths

Reid awoke to the fresh scent of coffee brewing. He stretched, sighed happily, and then opened his eyes. It was still fairly dim in his room, there not being any windows, however he noticed his bedroom door was open a crack, letting in the light from the rest of the apartment. He slipped off the bed, and collected the used needle from the drawer, disposing of it in his sharps container under the bed. He could hear Gideon humming to himself in the kitchen, which reminded him there was something he wanted to talk about.

He found his housecoat, and slipped it on, while simultaneously slipping his feet into a pair of slippers by the bed. He walked over to the door, and tied the front of the robe closed as he pulled the door open with his foot. Stepping out of his room he smiled widely at Gideon in the kitchen through the cut-out in the wall. "Good morning!"

Gideon looked up and matched Reid's smile, "Good morning to you too. You're just in time. Coffee's finished."

Reid walked down the short hall and around the corner into the kitchen, while Gideon poured out a mug and then handed it to him. "Thank you." He glanced at his room, "Did you open the door?" he asked as he started scooping in spoonfuls of sugar.

Gideon nodded, pouring his own cup, "Just a crack, when I started the coffee. I thought it was the most effective way of waking you up." He was still smiling as he spoke, nearly forgetting what he'd found out last night.

"Ahh, well you know I can never resist a shot of caffeine in the morning." There was a moment of silence while they both sipped at their steaming mugs.

Gideon broke the silence a minute later, "You look really happy today."

Reid smiled again, "Thank you. You know, I feel happy too. For the first time in the past couple days, I feel good."

The smile on Gideon's lips was bittersweet. He loved to see Reid feeling revitalized and full of life, but he knew what Reid had done last night, and if this happiness was a direct result of that, he wasn't sure what to think of it. "That's good, Spencer. That's real good." he finally said.

A few more seconds ticked by as they both turned their attention back to the coffees in hand. Just before the silence reached 'awkward' status Reid let out a long breath, before speaking quickly. "There's something I want to talk to you about. Something I'd like to ask."

Gideon looked up and met Reid's eyes before nodding once. "There's something I want to talk to you about too. Why don't I make breakfast first?"

Reid nodded, "Sure. Sounds good." He moved to stand off to the side, keeping out of Gideon's way, but still staying in the kitchen. He didn't want to go sit down in his favourite chair. Right now he felt like that would distance him too much, and he craved the closeness, and normality of everything that was going on in the kitchen. The living room seemed dim and dark in comparison.

He watched as Gideon moved around the kitchen to collect all the things he'd need to make a good hearty breakfast. He liked the feeling and emotion that was in the air right now. There was no arguing and fighting, and there wasn't any mothering and coddling. There was just something in the middle; something very normal. Like there were no drugs, and there were no secrets. Just a father-figure and friend, cooking for the other.

Before Reid knew it he was being handed a plate, complete with eggs, hash browns, bacon, and two little breakfast sausages. Reid blinked a couple times and then took the plate. "Wow, thank you, Gideon. This is… a lot!" He laughed and took his food into the living room, opting to sit on the floor at the table, rather than in his chair.

Gideon followed, and sat down on the couch. They ate and made small talk. Both of them enjoying the overwhelming sense of normalcy that they both knew they were going to break as soon as the food was finished. They ate slower. Finally, as the last morsels were scrapped off the plates and into mouths they relaxed. Gideon leaned back on the couch, and Reid leaned against the front of his chair.

"Gideon," Reid finally said, another smile starting to grow on his lips, "I don't think I've ever eaten that much for breakfast in my entire life!"

Gideon chuckled, "You should more often. It's good for your brain."

"I think my brain is just fine, thank you." Reid said with a grin.

"Ahh, but imagine how much more potential it could have."

Reid shook his head, "That's almost scary. Though you're probably correct. You usually are." Before the silence could start to build up around them, Reid cleared his throat, "So what did you want to talk about?"

It was Gideon's turn to shake his head, "You go first."

"A-are you sure?" Reid asked.

This time a nod, "Yes. You've had nothing but myself and Morgan talking at you lately, hardly giving you a chance to speak. It's your turn. I can wait."

Reid nodded slowly, and swallowed the lump in his throat. He looked at the table while he spoke, "I-I-I wanted to ask you… if you thought it would be okay… if I could still take the Dilaudid for my shoulder. It seems to be okay right now, but when it does hurt… Gideon, I'd be tempted to say it's almost worse than the withdrawal pains." He glanced up and met Gideon's eyes before looking down again. "I don't want you to think this is just because I want an excuse to use. That's not it at all, I swear… At least I don't think that's why." He let out a sigh, "Maybe it is, subconsciously, but I don't think so. I just want something for my shoulder, until it's healed, because you know Aspirin won't do anything. This was the only thing I could think of."

There a few tense minutes in which Gideon didn't reply. Deep creases were evident on his brow as he frowned in thought. Reid looked up at him, "Gideon, I--"

Gideon held up a hand and cut him off, "No, Reid. Just let me think about this for a moment."

Reid nodded and fell silent, letting the minutes tick by. He suddenly wasn't sure where to look with his eyes. No place around the room seemed right, so his gaze darted about until he finally decided to drop his head down and close his eyes. The same was true for his hands. He was clearly nervous, so at the same time his eyes had been darting around the room his hands had been trying to find a comfortable place to rest. When that failed they started wringing together, and then finally, at the same time he dropped his head and closed his eyes, he clasped them together tightly, and fell perfectly still. He had no idea how long had passed before he heard any sound from Gideon.

"Ok." Gideon's voice cracked partway through.

The sudden noise made Reid jump slightly, and he looked up, "O-Ok?" That hadn't at all been what he'd expected.

"Yes, ok. I'll allow it." Gideon said, and Reid let out the breath he'd been holding. "There are a few conditions however."

Reid nodded, "Of course. I understand."

"The first, I won't allow you to carry on the way you have been. You _must_ get a proper prescription from a doctor. Secondly, you will allow me to carefully monitor your usage. If at any point I feel your abusing this privilege, I reserve the right to take away the drugs, no questions asked. Third, this will last only as long as your shoulder requires it, and not a second longer, and you _will_ tell me when that is. Next, there will be no more lies and secrets. From this point, until the day you die, the only time you will be allowed to lie is for something superficial like a surprise party. And the final condition I would like to put in place I need to talk about with Aaron first. I will let you know later. Oh, and he's coming over later, by the way." Gideon ended his speech with a straight look, completely no-nonsense.

Reid nodded, first slowly as he let it all sink in, and then up to a normal speed. "Ok… Sure." He met Gideon's eyes, "I agree."

Gideon let a smile creep across his lips, "Good. I'm glad." Gideon wasn't sure he wanted to admit it, but he wasn't too keen on the situation, but he knew it would be the safest way. He suspected that if he hadn't granted permission, Reid would have continued to sneak around and use behind his back. At least this way Gideon felt like he had some control over the situation. That he wasn't a useless surrogate dad. It was as much for his sanity, as it was for Reid's pain.

The silence was threatening to creep up around them again, and once more Reid broke it. "What was it you wanted to say?"

Gideon shook his head, "It's no matter. Don't worry about it."

"Gideon, please. Just tell me."

A beat of silence, and then Gideon met Reid's eyes again, "I know."

"You know? Know what?" Reid asked.

"Last night, what you did after we met in the hall. I went in to check on you, I heard noises, but you were already passed out cold. I know you're still using, Spencer."

"Oh." Reid looked down, swallowed, and pulled his lower lip between his teeth. When he finally looked back up he spoke with complete sincerity. "I'm sorry, Gideon. I really am. My shoulder was in agony. I didn't know what else to do. That's why I decided to ask you about using it for that."

"It's ok, Spencer. I believe you. Even after the countless amount of times you've lied to me lately, I still believe you." Gideon was trying his best to be reassuring in a situation he didn't want to condone.

Reid nodded, and then added, "While I'm being truthful, I…" He chewed his lip again for a moment, "I-I used another time yesterday too. When I was supposed to be having my shower."

Gideon sighed and nodded, "I'd suspected as much. So then you lied too, about not having any of the drugs after the incident in the alley?"

Reid shook his head, "No that was the truth, technically. I just got them yesterday."

Gideon furrowed his brow, "When?"

He shrugged, "I don't know the time. After that first withdrawal, when I went to answer the door and said there was no one there. Well there wasn't anyone. Just a box." He sighed and closed his eyes, "A perfect little gift wrapped box with my name on it. And I knew what would be in it, and I knew who it was from, and I knew if I saw those phials, if I touched those phials, I wouldn't be able to resist. And I did it anyway, I opened the box Gideon." He opened his eyes and looked up to meet Gideon's gaze. His own eyes were shimmering with added moisture which was matched a few seconds later in Gideon's eyes.

"It's okay, Spencer. We'll get through this. I can't tell this isn't something your proud of, and that you don't want to do it. That's why I'm letting you use it for your shoulder, because you wouldn't have asked unless it was absolutely necessary."

Reid shifted his gaze to the ceiling and nodded. There was so much going on in his head, he couldn't put any of it into words. Was he doing the right thing here? Asking to use the Dilaudid for pain. Or was that a cover-up because he was hopelessly addicted? Even Reid didn't know the answer to that, so only time would tell. He hoped, though, that he was doing the right thing. "He knew, Gideon. He knew I wouldn't be able to resist that pull."

"Who knew?" Gideon was pretty sure he knew the answer.

"_Him._" Reid stressed the word, and Gideon nodded. "He knows me too well, and he won't leave me alone. You know as well as I do he ordered that guy in the alley to be killed. Probably for 2 reasons. The first, he messed up the drop. The second, so he could get his drugs back, and then deliver them to keep me reeled in. And he knew it would work. Gideon, if he does it again, I don't know if I'll be able to resist. I don't think I have the willpower to resist feeling that rush one more time. Practically tasting that bliss." He did his best to stop the corners of his mouth from curving into a small smile. "It's powerful, Gideon."

"I understand, Spencer." Gideon said, his tone reassuring.

"No, you don't." Reid replied. There was no hint of malice or anger in his words, like there may have been the previous day. This time it was just a simple statement of fact. "You can't know unless you've experienced it for yourself. You can't understand the pull it has on your mind and body, not to mention your soul. It controls you. It'll eat you up until there's nothing left unless you do something about it, and I don't know if I can. I don't know if I'm strong enough."

"You are. Trust me when I say that. You're one of the strongest people I know. To go through everything you've gone through in your life, and still come out on top. That is certainly strength in it's strongest form."

Reid tilted his head and looked at Gideon with a frown, "But I have really come out on top? I mean, look at me. Look at the position I'm in right now."

"You're still here aren't you? You still want to fight this. So, you're on top." Gideon offered a small smile.

Reid returned the smile twice as big, and nodded. "Thanks, Gideon. You've always been good at putting things into perspective."

"Anytime, son. Anytime."

Reid's smile grew, and he closed his eyes, letting out a short burst of air through his nose in what one could almost consider a laugh. One step at a time. That was the key. Deal with a problem when it came up, because it would do no good to fret about it beforehand. That would only slow his progress. Right now he needed an actual shower. An actual, mind-numbingly hot, shower. So that was exactly what he was going to do.

* * *

_We can let circumstances rule us, or we can take charge and rule our lives from within._  
-Earl Nightingale

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**A/N: Hmmmm I'm rather pleased with this chapter to be honest… I don't know why exactly, but I like it.  
And mucho special thanks to Tea for helping me figure out which direction to take this in. /grins/ This should be fun.**


	14. Habits and Helping

A/N: Sorry it's been ages since I updated… I had no inspiration for weeks, and then I got some like the day before I left for my trip…. I've been writing when I can for the last 2 weeks, but now I will have regular access while I stay in England for a week. (Regular access doesn't mean regular updates, but more time to write if I get inspiration) I should have a lot coming up though…. This is going to get a bit dark I reckon. Hopefully that's not a problem for anyone… Enjoy!!

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Chapter 14: Habits and Helping

Reid's shower was relatively uneventful. He managed to keep his dressings dry with the help of some plastic wrap, and the only difficulty was trying not to raise his left arm up to shampoo his hair. It wasn't hurting yet, but he knew with one wrong move it would. His mind was preoccupied with trying to figure out when his next dose could be taken, and which would come first, the pain or the withdrawal. Probably the pain.

It felt good to finally have his hair cleaned and fluffy once again. He felt refreshed, and the rest of the afternoon found him still in his housecoat and pyjama bottoms sitting in his chair with a book in his hand and a smile on his face. Gideon sat opposite him, also with a book, and was reading contently, glancing up at Reid every so often and smiling. Reid's rapid eye movements across the page and constant smile were a welcome sight compared to the previous day's anger and angst.

Gideon glanced up once more, still smiling, though Reid eyes had stopped their movement. He returned to his book, glancing up again moments later. Reid was still not reading at light speed, and Gideon couldn't be sure he'd even turned the page in the last 5 minutes. Gideon returned to his book once more, but now he was finding it hard to concentrate. The next time he glanced up and noticed the situation hadn't changed, and Reid's eyes were still unfocussed on the page, he spoke, "Spencer, are you alright?"

Reid blinked a couple times, and looked up from the page, "Hmm? Yeah I'm fine."

"You've been on the same page for at least 10 minutes." Gideon countered.

"I have?" he shook his head. "Sorry, I've just been trying to block it out."

"Block what out?"

"The pain that's been starting to creep up…" he paused , chewing on his lower lip for a moment before continuing, "and this little nagging voice in the back of my mind telling me the solution to the problem is just down the hall."

Gideon nodded understandingly, "So what are you going to do about it?"

Reid paused for a moment, thinking, before closing the book and standing up. He set the book down and started down the hall to his room. As he reached his bedroom door Gideon's voice stopped him in his tracks.

"What are you doing?"

Slowly he turned around to face Gideon, who was standing at the other end of the hall. "Y-you said I was allowed so long as you knew, and monitored it… I thought--"

"Don't you also remember you need a prescription first?" Gideon cut him off.

Reid looked shocked, "But we only talked about that this morning! I haven't even seen a doctor yet! How am I supposed to have a prescription?"

"I don't know, Spencer, but those are the rules, so you'd better see to arranging that first." Gideon's tone remained smooth and calm as he took his phone off his belt and held it out for Reid.

Reid jaw had dropped, and he stared at Gideon for a few moments before giving in and walking back down the hall toward him to take the phone. He made it very clear with his actions, as he snatched the phone from Gideon's hand, that he wasn't pleased, but he didn't say a word, knowing he couldn't win the argument. He dialled the number from memory and then held the phone to his ear. "Yes, I'd like to make an appointment to see Dr. Lapin, please… Today, please, as soon as possible… Yes, I know its short notice. I'm sure you can squeeze me in… Is there anyone else that can see me?… Excellent! When?… Sounds good… Reid, R-E-I-D… Spencer… Yes. Thank you." He disconnected the call and handed the phone back to Gideon who was giving him a questioning look. "In 2 hours." he smiled a satisfied smile. "I'm going to go get dressed."

Reid stood, dressed in his usual fashion, at his apartment door. His arm was in its sling again and he was facing Gideon with annoyance spread throughout his features. "I can go by myself! I'm not a child, and I don't appreciate being treated like one. I don't need you to hold my hand while I go visit my doctor." He closed his eyes and took a breath before letting it out hard and looking at Gideon again, "Look, I know you want to help, but it feels like you don't trust me. I can walk to the doctor's and back on my own. I've done it before, many times. You're smothering me, Gideon. Just let me get some fresh air, on my own, please."

Gideon sighed and stepped back, "It's not that I don't trust you, I'm just worried. I nearly lost you the other day; I don't want that to happen again."

Reid cracked a smile, "Fine, I promise I won't get shot again. Now will you let me go? I have my phone if you need me."

Gideon nodded, "Alright, okay, go. Just don't be long."

"I'll be back before you know it." Reid smiled, and then opened the door and left. The walk to the doctor's wasn't an exciting one, a few blocks north, and a couple more east. He stepped into the small waiting room and up to the receptionist's desk. He gave his name with a smile and then took a seat to wait. It wasn't long before he was called into the room. He sat on the exam bed/table and gave the doctor a small smile.

"So, Spencer, what brings you in today?" The doctor, Dr. Gardez, took a seat on a rolling swivel chair.

Reid looked down at his arm, "I was shot. I just wanted something for the pain."

"May I?" Dr. Gardez pointed to Reid's arm.

Reid nodded, unbuttoned his shirt one-handed, moved the fabric back away from the dressing, and allowed Gardez to manipulate his arm and shoulder, causing him to wince and hiss in pain with every tweak. He gritted his teeth and tried to hold it in without too much luck. Finally he snapped, "Okay, you can stop now!"

Gardez pulled away with a frown, "Why weren't you given anything from the doctor that discharged you at the hospital?"

Reid shrugged, he wasn't sure of the exact reason, only what he speculated, "I'd had an adverse reaction to the morphine due to another drug I was taking at the time. I assume he figured I already had painkillers I could take."

"And do you?"

"No, not currently. I've taken Dilaudid in the past, so I was thinking you could prescribe that. I know I won't have a problem with it."

Gardez shook his head, "I'm afraid I can't do that, Spencer."

"What? Why not?" Reid asked, the shock obvious.

"While it is undeniable you're in significant pain-"

"No thanks to you." Reid mumbled.

"-I can't prescribe you such a heavy painkiller with this doubt."

"Doubt about what?"

"Your intentions, Spencer. Unless I can be 100percent sure you're not just 'Doctor Shopping' to get a prescription painkiller to use illegally, I can't give it to you."

"Why would you think something like that!?"

"Why shouldn't I? There had to have been a better reason than that, that your doctor hadn't given you the painkiller. You didn't remove your shirt, and thus won't show the insides if your arms. And you're quite moody. I'm very sorry Spencer, but this just isn't something I can do for you." Gardez stood, as Reid frowned and buttoned his shirt. "Have a good day, Spencer."

Reid walked out of the clinic with a frown on his face. That had been a setback he certainly wasn't expecting. He paced in front of the doors for a few moments trying to think of what to do. Gideon had his rules set firmly in place, so there was no way he could go back to his apartment and try to negotiate. He continued to pace before an idea formed slowly in his head and made him pause. It wasn't the greatest of plans, and he felt guilty just thinking about it, so going through with it wouldn't be easy; however he could see no option.

He unclipped his phone from his belt and pressed '7' then waited. After one ring he was met with silence. He swallowed hard and answered the silence with his identification word, "Dilaudid."

The chuckle that met his ears made him cringe, "Back so soon? I thought you had enough to sustain you for a while."

"I-I do, but there's been a change in plans..."

"Ahhh, and what is it?"

"Y-you can make this seem legit right? Like if I were to ask you if you could print my phials with my name and prescription info, you could do it. And have them delivered in pharmacy bags and everything?" Reid couldn't believe the words coming out of his mouth.

"And what makes you think I can do something as extravagant as that?" his dealer asked.

"Because you seem to be all powerful... I don't see why you couldn't"

"Mmmhmm, and you're right, I could... But it'll cost you."

"How much?" Reid asked.

"Another 30 per phial."

"Deal." Reid replied without hesitation.

"Hmmm," the dealer mused, "I should have said 50... Now what's your full name and information?"

"You already know so much about me, you should know that!"

"And I do..." the smirk was almost audible, "I just wanted to see how much you would willingly divulge. I suppose you need these phials right away?"

"Yes, as soon as possible."

"I'll call you when they're ready."

"T-thank you." he felt a little awkward thanking a drug dealer, but it seemed appropriate.

"Trust me, it's my pleasure." The line was disconnected.

Reid sighed and chewed on his lower lip before deciding that he shouldn't take much longer or Gideon would get worried. He clipped his phone back onto his belt as he started walking back to his apartment. It wasn't long before he was standing in front of his door looking at the number. The thought crossed his mind that maybe he should move. His dealer knew where he lived, it would be safer to move, but chances are it wouldn't help. He'd just find his house again. With a sigh he turned the handle and let himself in.

Gideon quickly appeared at the end of the hall. Noticing Reid had nothing in his hand he frowned, "You couldn't get any?"

Reid swallowed and thought fast, "Erm, no not yet. I've dropped my prescription off but it may be a day or two before I get it. They'll call. There's a hold on heavy drugs like that, apparently some people use them illegally and sell them on the street." Reid shrugged his good shoulder nonchalantly, walking down the hall as he went.

Gideon frowned deeper at his tone, "You shouldn't joke about that."

"Why not? It won't do us any good to be overly serious about it. What's done is done." Once again Reid shrugged his good shoulder. "I'm going straight now, nothing illegal, so what's the problem?" Reid was surprised at how easy it was to lie now that he'd gotten some practice in. It just rolled off his tongue like it was what it was supposed to be.

"Nothing, I just don't think you should take it so lightly." Gideon replied.

"Well how else should I take it? Should I be completely apologetic and on my knees begging for forgiveness? That won't get us anywhere. You already know I never meant for it to go that way, what more can I say? I just want to move on past that, okay?"

Gideon still frowned but nodded. "Okay, so what do we do until you get the prescription?"

Reid shrugged, "I was going to leave that up to you. I'm sure you know what I would like, but that goes against your rules, so it's your choice." Reid smiled weakly. His shoulder was throbbing but it was fairly easy to ignore for the time being, though he wasn't sure how long that would last. Ignoring it earlier had actually made it go away, or perhaps he'd actually managed to block it out. Either way it had been welcome at the time, but now it was wearing off. Gideon was still mulling over the thought so Reid spoke again, "I'm going to go lay down for a few." He smiled weakly and when Gideon gave him a tight lipped smile and a nod, he turned back down the hall and entered his bedroom closing the door behind him.

* * *

Gideon mulled over the new information; Reid now had a prescription, but no painkillers in hand. Gideon moved to take a seat on the sofa and return to the coffee he'd left when he heard the door open. He supposed Reid could take what he had on supply now; he sipped the coffee; just to tide him over until the prescription comes through. He didn't like the idea that they were illegal drugs though. His frown deepened as he continued to ponder what he should tell Reid.

He wasn't sure how much time had passed before he actually came to a decision. Slowly he raised his weary body off the couch and started down the hall. He knocked on the door and waited -- no response. He knocked again – no response. He frowned and swallowed the lump rising in his throat. Slowly he reached for the handle and turned the knob. The next step was opening the door, which he was finding difficult. He didn't want to intrude; he was also afraid of what he'd find. Slowly, though, he pushed it open and found the room dimly lit; the touch lamp on the side table on the lowest setting.

Reid was sitting on the edge of his bed staring at the opposite wall. The light was on the other side of him causing his profile to be silhouetted. Gideon's form blocked the hall light so all he could see was a shadowed form. Gideon called his name, and still got to reply, not even a blink as far as he could tell. He stepped deeper into the room to get a better look at Reid. What he could see in the dim light and shadows was pure agony. Reid's jaw was clenched tight, his brow furrowed, his eyes looked pained, and there was a sheen of sweat covering his whole face. As Gideon looked closer he noticed Reid's lower lip was pulled between his teeth and being bitten down on hard.

"Reid what's wrong?" Gideon asked crouching in front of him. Reid shifted his eyes to him but didn't do or say anything more.

Gideon frowned, "It hurts, doesn't it?" Reid nodded the smallest of nods, a small tear in his eye. The nod was just a slight incline of the head that would have been missed in less light. Gideon nodded back, "I'll help," he replied. Seeing Reid hurting like this only confirmed what he'd worked out moments before.

"Where is it?" he asked. Reid moved his eyes in the direction the phials were located and Gideon collected them. "What else?" he asked. Reid moved his eyes to the tourniquet location, and then the syringes. "Is that all?" Reid blinked once, for 'yes'. Obviously the slight nod had been too much motion too close to his shoulder.

Gideon grabbed the tourniquet and carefully pushed up Reid's right sleeve before tying his arm off. He grabbed the needle and inserted it into the phial before asking, "How much?" Reid's hands were clenched in fists on the blankets, but he managed to uncurl 2 fingers. Gideon drew out 2cc's and then took Reid's right wrist to hold it still.

He lowered the needle towards Reid's soft skin, and then paused. Looking up into Reid's eyes he couldn't ignore the pleading look it held for him to just get it over with. He took in a breath and held it as he pierced the skin. He didn't let it out until all of the substance had entered Reid's veins. Gideon set the needle aside and pulled the tourniquet off his arm just as Reid's head started tipping back. As the rush of drugs hit his system Reid's eyes continued the same way his head was going.

Gideon got an arm around his back and carefully supported him, so he didn't fall, until he was lying down. Gideon lifted Reid's legs onto the bed and then pulled the covers up halfway so he wouldn't get too hot fully clothed. When he looked back at Reid's face he had already fallen into a drug induced, hopefully painless, sleep. His facial expression had relaxed and he looked completely at peace for the moment. Gideon wished that peaceful expression would cross his youngest colleague's face when he was awake and sober, but that would be a long time coming, _if_ it ever happened at all.

He touched the lamp 3 times till it went dark. He heard Spencer make a noise as the room was plunged into darkness. He reached over and stroked his hair and cheek shushing him, "It's alright, Spencer. You're safe in your room. You're always safe here." The little whimpers didn't stop though until Gideon touched the lamp again creating the soft glow. Reid stirred in his sleep but didn't wake. His expression contained the same peaceful look, but whatever was going on inside that drug induced sleep was not a peaceful one without a light on.

With a sigh Gideon silently excused himself from the room, and return to the living room where he stared at his empty coffee mug and contemplated his actions.

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A/N: Poor Spence…. It's only gonna get worse from here…. Cheers!!


	15. Truth or Truth

Chapter 15: Truth or Truth

There was a knock on the door an hour later and Gideon got up to answer it. He was greeted by a rather stoic looking Aaron Hotchner. "Evening, Aaron. Come in." Gideon opened the door farther and let Hotch in. He motioned down the hall to the living room, and closed the door behind Hotchner. He joined him in the living room with a small welcome smile, "I wasn't expecting you so early. Spencer's sleeping."

Hotch gave a shrug, "I wanted to give you all the information I had first hand. Do you want to get Reid?"

Gideon nodded and turned back down the hall to Reid's room. He opened the door and walked towards the bed and Reid. As he got closer he could see Reid's eyes were open. Gideon gave him a weak smile in the dim light. "Aaron's here."

"I know." Reid replied, "I've been up for a while."

"Why didn't you come out?"

"I just wanted to rest for a while." he said, casting his gaze away from Gideon. It was silent for just a moment before Gideon decided to break it.

"I understand. Well, come out when you're ready."

Reid nodded and pushed the covers off himself, "I'm ready now." Slowly he rose to a sitting position and then onto his feet. He gave Gideon a small smile and headed for the doorway. Pausing right before he reached it he turned around and looked at Gideon. "Thank you," his voice was hushed so Hotch wouldn't hear it, "for what you did earlier. I… I don't know what I would have done otherwise."

Gideon just gave him a small smile and nodded his head towards the door. Reid sighed and made sure he looked presentable before he stepped out into the hall and walked down to the living room, Gideon close behind him.

He gave Hotch a smile, and sat down in his chair. "It's nice to see you, Hotch."

"Good to see you too, Reid. How are you doing?"

"I'm fine. Just fine." Reid quickly glanced at Gideon and then back to Hotch. Gideon stayed silent.

"Well now that you're here I've got things we need to talk about." Hotch started. Reid nodded, and Hotch motioned for Gideon to have a seat as well. Once he had, Hotch continued. "Things look good for the case we were just on. I can't give either of you much detail because neither of you are on the case anymore, but Reid, if this goes to trial, which it probably will, you may be required to testify as a civilian. Would you be able to do that?"

"Of course!" Reid answered immediately. "Why wouldn't I?"

Hotch gave him a look, "You'll need to be clean, Reid."

"Hotch, the trial won't be for ages, I'll be clean by then."

"You should be clean now, but you're not are you."

Reid's expression was a mixture of shock and confusion. "Wha-what do you mean?"

"Gideon had told me what you'd done last night." Hotch's expression never wavered.

Reid's face flushed. He was a little peeved at Gideon for telling Hotch but at the same time he could understand it. He glanced at Gideon for a moment and then back to Hotch, "I know, and I'm sorry. We've already talked about it. Everything is fine." He didn't want everyone finding out about the deal they'd made, and he hoped his tone made that clear.

"Alright, I'll keep Gideon informed on what's going on with that then. The second thing," he was interrupted by Gideon's phone ringing.

"Sorry." Gideon mumbled and got up to go down the hall to answer it in peace. He stood near the door when he answered.

The voice on the other end was male and official sounding, but still had a soft, kind tone to it, _"This is Police Chief Lawrence with the DC Police, Division 29. I received your number from a detective on the John Doe shooting yesterday. You're with the BAU of the FBI?" _he asked the question but didn't wait for an answer. _"I hear your team may be connected to this case. I'd like to call you in on it. Who better to help bring this killer in, than someone with prior knowledge of the person we're dealing with?"_

Gideon cut in, "It's not that simple. There are channels these things need to go through."

_"I've already spoken to a couple other agents, and they seem willing to comply. I know a lot more than you think about this case already, and I want all available minds on it. That means yours, and the agent of yours that was shot."_

"I'm sorry, I still have days off. I'd be happy to join in once those are up, but until then I have other obligations." He glanced down the hall towards the living room as he spoke. "As for 'the agent of mine that was shot' I'm sure you understand why he will be on a leave of absence until further notice."

"But you can still consult with him can you not?"

"I will have to discuss it with him and the other members of the team first. Someone will get back to you with our answer." Gideon hung up on the detective. He couldn't help but think this was an absolutely perfect way to bring about the 5th condition to Reid's drug use, but he still wanted to discuss it with Aaron first. He walked back to the living room where Reid and Hotch were sitting quietly. "Sorry, Aaron, you were saying?"

Hotch gave Gideon a small nod and continued, "The second thing I wanted to talk about was the shooting that happened just down the street from here."

Gideon raised a brow but didn't speak. Reid raised both brows and opened his mouth, "Why?"

"Local police want the team in on it."

"That's who I just got a call from."

Hotch nodded, "Given the information we already know, what you told Morgan yesterday, we've been considering the case."

"It's not the type of case we usually take." Reid said.

"No, but given the connection to you, and other aspects of your life, I think it would be a good idea."

"Well I'm not on the team currently; I can't decide something like that." Reid replied.

"No and I'm not asking you to. I'm telling you we're probably taking this case, and it would be in your best interest to cooperate."

"Wait, what exactly are we talking about?" Reid asked.

It was Gideon who spoke, "Bringing down your mafia level drug dealer." There was a pause, "Reid may I talk to you in your room please?"

Reid nodded and stood, walking towards his bedroom. Once inside and Gideon had closed the door Reid turned to him and asked, "What is it?"

"Condition number 5. I'd wanted to talk to Aaron about it first, but it seems he's beaten me to it. I want you to help us bring down your dealer. You're the best person for the job all things considered."

Reid frowned, he'd just ordered from his dealer so he couldn't very well bring him down. "How am I supposed to do that? Especially if I'm not to contact him?"

"Give us everything you know, and we'll figure out what else to do from there." Reid didn't reply so Gideon continued, "This is condition 5, Spencer. You don't really get a choice if you want to use your prescription."

Reid was silent for a moment and then sighed, "All right, I'll do it, but I don't know how much I can help. Just warning you now."

"I'm sure whatever you can tell us will be fine. Now let's go back out there." Gideon turned around and opened the door and led the way back down the hall. They took their respective seats and Gideon looked at Hotch. "I think it's an excellent idea, and Reid has agreed to offer any assistance he can." Gideon gave Reid a look and he nodded.

Hotch looked between the two, wondering what they'd spoken of in the other room. "Well, that's good then." he kept glancing between the two of them. "I'm glad you'll cooperate with this case. I have a feeling we'll need all the help we can get."

Reid nodded and there was silence for a few moments. Reid broke it by saying, "W-would you like a coffee or anything?"

Hotch shook his head, "No, thank you, Reid. Perhaps later." Hotch paused for a beat and then added, "So, beside your slip last night, how are you doing?" It was clear to tell Hotch had switched from business mode to friend.

Reid almost visibly relaxed. He hadn't been aware he was sitting so tensely. "I'm doing just fine, Hotch. I feel really good right now. Some moments are hard though." He looked at Gideon, making it clear he wasn't lying, just not giving all the details. Gideon frowned but stayed silent.

"That's good, Reid. I'm glad you're pulling yourself together. As soon as you get over this, and your injury you can come back to work."

"Thank you, Hotch." Reid forced a smile; unfortunately he couldn't help but feel Hotch was talking about his drug use as if it was a common cold. Something so simple to get over that he'd be fine in a week. Reid knew that wasn't going to be the case, he knew it would take a lot of work and effort to quit when the time finally came. He didn't know how far off that time would be though. He wondered if Hotch had ever known anyone with a serious addiction, well okay not serious, just continued use, before.

"You're welcome. The rest of the team should be coming over as soon as they've finished the tasks they were assigned."

Reid gave a nod and stood, "Can I get you anything now?" he looked from Hotch to Gideon, and then stepped into the kitchen.

Gideon called after him, "I'll have a coffee if you wouldn't mind?"

Hotch shrugged, "I suppose you can make that two."

Reid silently set about the task, turning on the coffee maker and digging out three mugs. He needed to busy his hands for a moment. He wasn't sure why he was suddenly so nervous about the team coming over, but he had a nagging feeling that something wasn't right.

He could practically feel Gideon's eyes on his back as he worked his way around the kitchen. However, he didn't dare look over his shoulder to see if he was right. It felt like he was going to be trapped in his own home with a bunch of people he called friends, family even, but didn't really want them around. He was sure Gideon could tell what he was thinking, even though Gideon hadn't said anything.

Reid stared at the coffee pot as it was slowly filled with coffee. "W-would anyone like anything in their coffee? Cream? Sugar?" He held the edge of the counter as he spoke, and didn't look towards the living room.

Hotch shook his head and answered, "Just black is fine for me."

Gideon added, "Two cream, please."

Reid gave a nod to signal that he'd heard but didn't say anything; he knew they were watching him. He couldn't get over how much this felt like a trap. That they were all coming over to check up on him and keep tabs on him. It was bad enough Gideon was almost constantly breathing down his neck; he didn't want everyone else doing it too. Didn't they understand he just wanted space?

He tried to calm himself by focusing on the steady stream coming from the coffee machine and into the pot, but it didn't work. His brow was starting to form a sheen of sweat and his hands were beginning to shake. It seemed the harder he gripped the counter's edge the worse the shaking got. He forced himself to loosen his grip and relax a little.

His hands were still shaking as the coffee finished and he took the pot out of the machine. He held the mug on the counter with his left hand and moved to pour the coffee with his right. His hand shook terribly as he gripped the pot and held it above the mug. Pouring it wasn't much better. The hot liquid splashed around the cup, and hardly in it, causing Reid's left hand to be in the direct line of fire.

The yelp Reid made was deafeningly loud and he jumped back from the counter and let go of the coffee pot. It was almost slow motion as Reid watched the pot hit the edge of the counter and then tumble to the floor, throwing hot liquid all over it as it went.

Reid had learned months ago that glass coffee pots were dangerous when you were prone to sudden hand spasms. He preferred glass ones, and had bought another after breaking the first, because they didn't mess with the taste of the coffee. After breaking that one however, he had opted for the plastic one he owned now, which had served quite well.

It lay rolling back and forth in a semicircle on the floor, and Reid just stared at it. He'd managed to jump back almost to the other end of the kitchen, and now slowly sat down onto the floor in the corner, a river of hot steaming coffee separating him from his guests.

Gideon and Hotch had both stood at Reid's yelp, and moved towards the kitchen. Neither of them had seen the actual drop of the pot, since they had been giving each other concerned glances at the time, but Reid's yelp and the clattering of the coffee pot had alerted them

Gideon watched as Reid lowered himself to the floor. He was unconsciously cradling his left hand as he stared at nothing. Gideon stepped over the stream of coffee and crouched in front of Reid. "Let me see your hand." his voice was soft and calming.

Reid's eyes finally focused on Gideon's face, "What? Oh! No, that's ok I'm fine." He looked down at the reddened skin on his hand, and added, "Its fine."

"Reid, let me see it." Gideon demanded as somewhere behind them Hotch was grabbing the mop from its special hiding spot and mopping up the spilt coffee. 

Slowly Reid obliged and held out his hand for Gideon to see. The scalded skin didn't look too bad, but the hand itself was still shaking in the space between them. Gideon put the palm of his hand face up under Reid's and brought it up so their palms were touching. "Spencer, what's the matter? Why are you shaking?"

"It's nothing. I'm just a little nervous is all. It has nothing to do with… _that_." The last word in his sentence was hushed.

"Are you sure? You're going to be okay?" Gideon had nothing but concern in his eyes.

"Yes, I'm sure; I just don't want to be crowded by everyone. I've never had everyone over at once before, I don't see why I have to now."

"You've never been shot before, Reid. It's just because we all care."

"It's just not going to be easy to see them all, especially not in this small apartment. I don't want to feel suffocated." Reid replied.

Gideon nodded, "I understand that. We'll make sure you feel comfortable. Don't worry."

Reid wanted to reply that he already felt uncomfortable with the idea, but he didn't, instead saying, "Okay, I trust you."

Gideon smiled, "Good. Now let's see what we can do about your hand." Reid nodded and they stood up together. Gideon turned on the cold water tap at the sink and guided Reid's hand to it. Reid let out a hiss as the water ran over the minor burn, and bit down on his lower lip, then remained silent. Gideon gave him a small smile, "Now keep it there until the pain stops. Five to ten minutes should be enough."

Reid cracked a smile, "I know."

While Reid stayed at the sink Gideon turned around to help Hotch clean up the mess and start another pot of coffee. It didn't take long at all and Hotch and Gideon were sitting back down with fresh mugs just as the intercom by the door started beeping.

Reid, keeping his hand under the water turned his head as far as he could towards the living room, "Can you get that?"

Gideon rose and moved down the hall, pressing the speaker button on the intercom, "Who is it?"

"It's Morgan, buzz me up" came the reply.

Gideon pressed the 'door' button, and somewhere below them the main doors to the building granted access to Morgan. Gideon and Hotch were the only two others with the passkey card to bypass that door, and only Gideon had a spare key to his apartment door.

A moment later there was a knock at the door and Gideon was there to answer it. He gave Morgan a smile and welcomed him in. Morgan walked down to the living room and greeted Hotch then turned to the sound of running water in the kitchen.

Reid turned off the water and grabbed a small dish cloth to wrap his hand in and keep it protected. He gave Morgan a small smile and looked down at the slight redness on his skin. "I spilled the coffee." he said giving Morgan one of his embarrassed, straight –lined, smiles.

Morgan grinned at him, "So no one else is here then? I thought I'd be last."

"No, not yet. Would you like a coffee too? Fresh pot." Reid motioned to the half empty pot.

"Nah, I'll pass for now, thanks." Morgan had secretly hoped to be the last one there and had tried his best to waste time before showing up. He was afraid they'd have a repeat of the previous day, and that was something he'd wanted to avoid.

Reid nodded and motioned towards the couch, "Well, feel free to have a seat then." Reid then looked to Gideon, "Can you help me with this." He was looking at his empty mug on the counter. It was a tall mug, about twice the size of a regular mug, large enough to hold 2 cups of coffee.

Gideon nodded and moved to pour the remaining amount of coffee into the tall mug. He reached for the sugar container while Reid moved to the living room to claim his chair before anyone else could. Neither Gideon nor Reid were sure how seven people would all fit into this little room, but they said nothing. Gideon took out the ¼ cup scoop in the sugar container and filled it, pouring the whole lot into Reid's mug. He gave it a stir with the extra long red plastic Dairy Queen spoon, usually reserved for ice cream. Once satisfied he took it out and handed it to Reid who smiled thanks.

Gideon was about to take the final spot available on the small couch (making it a tight fit) when the door was buzzed again. He went through the same process of buzzing someone up, and then let them in. It was Prentiss and JJ. They greeted Gideon with smiles and then headed to the living room.

Reid was snuggled up in his chair with his feet curled under him and the warm mug in his usable hand. The other hand was still lightly wrapped in the dish towel. He gave Prentiss a smile but regarded JJ with a straight face before looking away.

"How are you doing, Reid?" Prentiss asked.

"I'm alright, thank you." he replied, glancing at JJ and then back again. "Would you like something to drink, Emily?"

Prentiss looked at JJ, and then out of courtesy replied, "No, I'm fine for now, thank you."

JJ fit Reid with an apologetic look, "Spence, I just—"

Reid didn't acknowledge her.

"Spence, I wanted you to know—"

"JJ, don't." Reid replied, finally turning his head to look at her completely. His gaze wasn't the kindest, and she was lucky she had approached him when he had a coffee in his hands. "I know why you did it. You don't have to explain it to me. I just don't want to hear about it. I don't want to be reminded of it." _'Which is all your presence is ever going to do now.'_ "So if you wouldn't mind just letting it be? You don't need to apologise. I'd have done the same thing." Reid wasn't lying, though he couldn't help but feel a little bit of resentment still.

JJ gave him a small nod, as Gideon repeated Reid's earlier question, this time to both girls, "Are you sure you wouldn't like something? I can start another pot of coffee."

JJ smiled and nodded, "Tea, if there is any."

Gideon looked to Reid who shrugged.

"Coffee is fine then." JJ replied.

"Coffee for me too, please." Prentiss added.

Gideon busied himself in the kitchen where he seemed to feel most comfortable, while Hotch and Morgan stood to join him. JJ and Emily took seats on the couch and started some small talk with Reid.

Hotch and Morgan cornered Gideon at the far end of the kitchen, and spoke in hushed tones. "Are you sure he's alright?" Morgan asked. "He certainly didn't take to kindly to JJ's apology."

"It's like he wishes she'd never found out. Never told us." Hotch added.

Gideon faced them with a frown, and then looked over their shoulders to Reid in the background. "On some level he probably does, but trust me when I tell you he wants to be clean, and stay clean. He wants to be done with this so he can move on with his life and go back to work. You know how much this job means to him. There's no way he'd jeopardize that. But we didn't find out under his ideal circumstances. He wanted to be the one to tell us. He wanted to make sure we found out from him. And because we didn't, and because it was JJ who did, he's going to be upset with her for a while. That's all it is."

"And your certain he's not getting high anymore?"

"How can he?" Gideon asked. "I've been watching him constantly."

"Except while he's sleeping." Hotch said.

"And he managed to yesterday." Morgan added. The door started buzzing again, and Gideon moved to push past them.

Hotch stopped him, "We're just concerned, Jason. I don't want you slipping into denial along with him."

"He's not in denial, and nor am I. He knows he had a problem. And it's being dealt with. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get the door." Gideon made his way out of the kitchen and then around the corner and down the hall. Buzzing up the final team member he opened the door in advance to let Garcia waltz right in.

When she showed up she was carrying two grocery bags full of ice cream and other snacks. Gideon closed the door behind her as she made her way to the kitchen. As she set everything down on the counter she announced, "I brought snacks, I hope you're all hungry!" She moved back to the living room and Morgan stood from the last spot on the couch he'd just taken to give it to Garcia. She smiled at him, "Ice cream in the freezer please. Snacks on the table."

"You got it, Baby Girl." Morgan flashed his smile at her, and set about doing what she asked of him.

Pushing her glasses up her nose with one finger Garcia turned to face Reid, who stood to greet her. "Let me get a good look at you now." she said, taking him as gently as she could by the shoulders. She pulled him into a quick hug, and then asked, "Have you been getting enough sleep?"

"Yes." Reid replied.

"Enough coffee with your sugar?" she smiled.

"Yes." he replied again.

"Have you been meeting your required daily ice cream intake?"

"No, sorry."

"Well we'll have to fix that later then won't we?" Garcia asked. Reid nodded and there was silence while she studied his face. "You look tired, are you sure you're alright?"

"I'll be fine Garcia. Thank you. I'm just feeling a little drained lately."

"Good." She took her seat on the couch next to the wall, JJ beside her, and Prentiss closest to the kitchen.

Reid looked up at Hotch who was standing. "There's another chair at my computer you're welcome to bring over."

Hotch nodded and went to retrieve it from the small office area behind Reid. He rolled it over and took a seat between Reid's armchair and the couch, forming a skewed semicircle. Morgan was bringing over the snacks and setting them on the table as Gideon took a seat on the arm of the couch next to Garcia so he could lean on the wall for support. Once the snacks were in place Morgan came to rest on the other arm of the couch.

They chatted about various normal things, and not once was Reid's drug use mentioned. They ploughed through the snacks and Morgan retrieved the individual ice cream containers from the freezer. Somehow Garcia seemed to know everyone's favourite flavours. Morgan had stayed relatively quite throughout the night so when he spoke after everyone was done their ice cream all eyes turned to him.

"I have an idea. Let's play a game." When no one objected he continued. "It's like truth or dare, but only truth. I'll ask first. Reid, are you still using?"

Reid swallowed and looked over to Gideon on the other side of the couch. 'No lies' it was one of the rules, and Gideon would know it was being broken. He turned his head back to Morgan and looked him straight in the eyes, "Yes."

Prentiss, JJ, and Garcia were visibly shocked as their jaws dropped in unison. Morgan didn't follow traditional Truth or Dare rules, and asked another question. "When did you last use."

"About three hours ago, maybe four. It was about an hour before Hotch arrived." Pure blunt honesty. It stung everyone except for Gideon.

After a moment of shocked silence another question was fired, "Do you enjoy deceiving your friends? You're _family_!?"

Garcia shot Morgan a look, trying to remind him of what they'd talked about in the hospital hallway. He needs support. Morgan wasn't paying any attention however. He was staring, tight-jawed, at Reid. His chest heaving with held in anger.

Reid was about to try to fumble out an answer when Gideon spoke, "Enough!" He stood and looked down on Morgan, "That's enough! Yes, he has taken more Dilaudid today, but I knew about it. We've made a deal. He's gotten himself a prescription so his doses will be legally used for his shoulder. After that has healed he'll be done. I think this little display has only proven he's got nothing to hide." Gideon eyed each member of the team as he unconsciously placed himself between Morgan, who had now stood, and Reid.

"So you're going to allow him to continue to destroy himself? And yet you claim to care for him? This is bullshit!" Morgan looked at Hotch who had remained seated and as stoic as ever after the initial shock. "Hotch, tell him this is wrong!"

"What do you want me to say, Morgan?" Hotch replied evenly. "If it's a prescription there's nothing I can say or do."

Morgan looked like he was about ready to hit something when Prentiss stood and looked at Gideon, "You can't possibly believe this is for the best can you? Have you considered the consequences?"

"Yes, I have. There are strict rules he has to follow, I'll be here to monitor it every step of the way."

"Until you have to go back to work in a few days!" Morgan countered. "Then what?"

It occurred to Gideon he'd never thought that far ahead, he'd somehow assumed he'd always be here for Reid. After a beat he answered, "Trust. We have to trust him."

"I'm sorry Gideon, but trust isn't coming very easily anymore. You weren't on this last case with us. Maybe if you had been you wouldn't be so easy to forgive. You don't know how he was acting, what he did." Morgan looked to Prentiss recalling the story of Reid slapping her. "And it was all because of that shit he was taking."

All eyes had been moving between Gideon and Morgan no one took notice of Reid in the background, who has squished his eyes shut and was trying to control his shaking shoulders. He couldn't stop the tears that escaped the corners of his eyes, and when he finally couldn't contain the sob that was making him shake, all eyes finally turned to him. Gideon was crouching on the floor in front of the chair within a second, "Reid, what's wrong?"

Reid's hands twisted in his lap as he opened his tear filled eyes, "I… I…"

"It's okay, what is it?" Gideon pushed.

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry? Sorry for what, Spencer?"

"For everything." he said as he looked around the group. "I don't want to loose you."

"Loose us?" Gideon questioned. "You haven't lost any of us."

"Yes I have. I've already pushed Morgan away, it's only a matter of time."

Morgan moved to crouch beside Gideon, "Reid, man, you haven't pushed me away." He was surprised how quickly his tone changed. "I'm just worried about you. Where I grew up, I've seen what drugs of any sort can do to good people. I don't want that happening to you."

"Well then I don't want to loose myself. What if I become like those people you knew, Morgan? What then? How could any of you stand to look at me then?" Reid asked.

"But that won't happen to you, Spencer. It won't happen to you because we have a plan. A good, solid, plan, which if we stick to it, will get you out on the other side in one piece." Gideon said.

Reid nodded, but he knew the truth. He'd already deviated off the plan. He'd already lied, and he'd already spoken to his dealer to get another supply. That was two of the five conditions already blown. It wasn't that he didn't want to quit, he did, but every time he was faced with an ultimatum or a roadblock he panicked and picked the easiest way out. Rather than admit his failure to Gideon, and before forced to quit cold turkey when he couldn't get a prescription he opted for option number two. The option that wouldn't cause him any pain. It was a survival instinct that would probably wind up getting him killed, but he couldn't help it. Even now, surrounded by his friends, given the perfect opportunity to come clean, he couldn't say the words no matter how hard he tried. He just nodded and kept his mouth shut.

Garcia gave him a sad smile, "I'll be here for you no matter what, doll. So don't worry you're pretty little head about anything. Just focus on healing your body and mind, okay?"

Reid nodded again, "Okay, Garcia. Will do." Inwardly Reid smirked at how easy it seemed to be to manipulate his friends. He shook that thought from his head as quickly as it arrived, not wanting to think like that. That's not what this was. Though, what this was, he didn't have a name for.


	16. Added fee

**A/N: Perhaps a slight Slash warning should be in effect for this chapter. For those that don't like slash I have skimmed over the details. For those that do... use your imagination! lol Buuut it really all boils down to wat you personally consider slash... I don't think it's all that much but that's just me.  
Oh and this is sort of my request.  
Back when I asked for suggestions one was 'another club scene like from DSH, or equivelant' Since I already had this in my head, I hoped it would suffice. Just had to figure out where to put it.  
Enjoy!!  
**

* * *

Chapter 16: Added Fee

Reid recovered from his guilt on not telling his friends the whole truth rather quickly. The next day and a half were spent much the same as the ones before. Gideon would monitor Reid's drug use, twice a day as needed. Usually in the morning and again in the early evening. Times in between were often painful when the drugs worse off, but Reid wasn't entirely willing to up it to three times a day. He didn't consider himself an addict, but he knew how easily it could happen.

It was late Thursday afternoon when Reid's phone rang. He had been sitting with a coffee in one hand and a book in the other, Gideon across from him. He set his coffee and book down and took out his phone, the name on the display made him pause but only for a brief moment. His mind raced as he answered, "Hello?" He knew he wasn't supposed to speak when he answered, but he hoped the man on the other end would understand why.

Reid's dealer paused and then chuckled, "Being watched are you? You're items are ready for delivery. Usual place, 15 minutes." The line clicked dead.

Reid replied anyway, "Alright, thank you." He closed his phone and looked at Gideon. "My prescription is ready for pick-up. I won't be long." Reid stood and started towards the door, it was about a 10 minute walk so he needed to leave now.

Gideon started to follow him, "Why don't I come with you?"

Reid shook his head, "You should start getting dinner ready. You go back to work tomorrow, so I think a special supper is in order." He smiled, "Besides, not that I'm dying to get rid of you, but I'll have to cope without you starting tomorrow, may as well get used to it now. I won't be more than half an hour."

Gideon sighed and frowned, "You're right. I shouldn't smother you. Hurry back." It was clear by the look in his eyes that Gideon was less than pleased, but any wrong move or disagreement could spark an argument, and that was something he tried to avoid.

Reid gave him a smile, "Trust me, I'll be fine. I'll be back before you know it." He had his shoes tied just right so that he could easily slip into them, and made sure his wallet and keys were in his coat pocket which he took off a hook. It was a casual faded jean jacket, one no one at work ever saw him wear. Perfect for slightly cool weather, when he just had to slip out for a few moments. He waved at Gideon and was out the door before he could blink.

* * *

Reid walked quickly down the street with his head down, protecting himself from the slight cool wind in the air. His hands were shoved into his coat pockets, where his money lay inside his wallet. He picked up the pace a little as he went, not needing to worry about running into other people as he went, because it appeared as if the streets were deserted.

He was jogging by the time he reached the alley entrance, and was immediately warmer as he slipped inside the protected area. No wind could chill him to the bone here, and when the wind was removed from the equation the weather seemed actually warm. He glanced around his surroundings, wondering why this spot was chosen as the drop point. A murder had recently been committed here, one he was connected to no less, he assumed it was still be overflowing with police and members of the CSU. Apparently they'd moved on from the crime scene, leaving this alley open for business once again.

Reid stepped over the small bloodstain lying just inside the alley entrance and made his way deeper into its depths. It definitely wasn't as scary during the day. At night there was minimal lighting that reached this area, but right now the sun was shining and lit up all the tiny hiding places for the critters and creatures that called this place home. He moved deeper still into the alley, watching his step, and trying to make as little noise as possible.

When he spotted a man with long dark hair swept back off his face, a hard brow but soft features, with blue eyes that clearly held many secrets, leaning casually against the brick wall, he made eye contact. The man gave one single nod which spoke volumes. '_Coast looks clear.' 'I'm the guy you're looking for.' 'I give you permission to approach.'_ So Reid did. He walked up to the man and stood before him. He looked to the ground as the man seemed to scrutinize every inch of him, including his arm in its sling.

"You're the FBI guy, huh? The one Joey shot. Idiot he was. The Boss had me take care of him for you."

Reid finally looked up, meeting the other man's gaze. Standing so close Reid could see that the man really wasn't much older than himself. He had so many questions he wasn't sure which to ask first. He settled with "His name was Joey?"

"Yeah but that's not important. What's important is that he'll never make that mistake again."

"Y-Y-You were the one wh-who killed him?" Reid stammered.

"In the flesh, why? You think I don't look like the type? That's the point, Dr. Spencer Reid, that's exactly the point."

Reid had a chill run down his spine at the sound of his name coming out of this man's mouth. "C-Can I just get what I came for, please?" Reid was looking at the ground again.

There was a long pause as the man once again studied Reid, "Look at me." he finally said. Reid kept his head down. "I said, look at me!" the man's tone changed to a fierce, no-nonsense, quality. Without hesitation Reid's head snapped up and he looked into the eyes before him. "Much better," he paused, "The Boss didn't tell me you'd be so pretty."

"P-Pardon me?" Reid asked, looking confused. Reid felt the palm rest against his cheek before he registered the man had moved. It was gentle and the thumb caressed his cheek bone. "W-What are you doing?" He took a step back out of reach, having vivid flashbacks to the bathroom of a dance club on the last case.

The man just cocked his head to one side and stared at him. Finally he spoke, "I have a proposal for you… Along with your regular fee, I want you to do something for me before I hand over the goods. Sound fair?" he asked, even though he knew it wasn't.

"D-Do what?" Reid asked.

"Blow me, of course." the man said shrugging his shoulders.

Reid choked and sputtered trying to find words to force out as he took two more steps back, "No! What?! No! You can't be serious?!"

"Do I look anything less than serious to you?" he said, his expression perfectly even.

"N-No, but that doesn't mean I'll…. No!"

"Look, if you want the goods you'll do it. You have no choice."

Reid thought of Gideon. He couldn't go back home empty handed, what would he say? But he certainly couldn't do what this man was asking either. "I… I can't." he mumbled.

"Suit yourself." the man pushed off the wall, and turned down the alley the opposite way. He had only taken one step before he heard the voice.

"No wait! Don't… don't go… Please."

As the man turned around and looked at Reid he couldn't suppress the smirk that crept across his face. Reid's lower lip was quivering slightly, and his eyes were the largest puppy-dog eyes he'd ever seen. His hands were also trembling, and he looked close to tears. Junkies were so easy to manipulate. "Yes?"

"I… I'll do it. Just don't… don't… don't take that away from me." he was looking at the slight lump coming from the inside coat pocket of the man's jacket.

The man walked over to Reid and snaked his right hand through Reid's hair, letting it come to rest on the back of his neck. Reid tensed as if he were going to pull away again, but stopped himself. Slowly the man took steps backwards until his back touched the wall again, pulling Reid along with him. He shifted his hand to the top if Reid's head and pushed him to his knees, down amongst the filth, while his other hand worked on his belt and jeans. He removed his hand from Reid's head and used both hands to pull his pants down off his thin hips.

Reid's eyes were glued on the ground. He couldn't even glance forwards, so instead he stared at the cigarette butts, and other garbage lying all around him. He felt the hand on his head again, pushing him towards the last place he wanted to go. He pushed back, but his resistance didn't last long. He relaxed, but still looked at the ground, "W-what's your name?"

"What?"

"Your name." He swept his gaze quickly upward to look at the man's face. "I… I won't do this without knowing your name first. What's your name?"

"Seven." The man responded. "I suppose that's my number not my name, but it'll do."

Reid wasn't impressed by the answer, but he didn't think he could get any more out of Seven without pliers. He also knew that the longer he stalled, the longer it would take to get back home. He took a deep breath and reached one hand up to take hold of the 'thing' in front of him. He wanted to be sick; he really wanted to be sick. He took another deep breath, then another. "I-I've never done this before."

"Just go with the flow. Do what feels right." Seven replied, winding his fingers through Reid's hair and pushing his head forward again.

Reid swallowed and took one last final breath before closing his eyes and opening his mouth. He did his best to do what was requested of him, though in his opinion none of this felt right. He kept his eyes glued firmly shut; there was no way he could look at what he was doing. He was thankful for one thing and one thing only; he had long ago been rid of his gag reflex. Countless years of bullying in school were apparently good for something.

He could only assume he was doing alright as time went on by the sounds Seven was making, and the way he gripped his hair, and moved against him. It was revolting, but at least it was almost over. Just a little longer and he would be free.

As soon as Seven cried out Reid jumped back and coughed and spat on the ground. He stayed on his hands and knees for a moment, continuing to spit every so often. When he finally looked up at Seven he had just finished do up his belt.

"Are you sure you'd never done that?"

Reid nodded. "Definitely sure."

"Well, you're a natural." Seven smiled at him.

The polite thing to do would be to say 'thank you' but Reid didn't want to. Slowly he stood and brushed the dirt off of himself. "Can't I have it now, please?" Reid asked, feigning annoyance when he was really disgusted with himself.

"Let's see the cash first." Seven replied.

"You think after doing THAT, I would rip you off? No way. But you might. Let's see it first." he had now placed on his business tone, still trying to cover up his inner feelings.

Seven reached inside his coat, and into the pocket, "Oh come on, it's not that bad."

"Maybe for you." Reid mumbled, crossing his arms.

Seven pulled out a small white paper bag with a pharmacy logo on it. "There you go, signed, sealed, and delivered." He held it out in front of Reid but didn't let him take it. "Now your turn."

Reid pulled his wallet out of his coat pocket and flipped it open. He pulled out the appropriate amount of bills and put the wallet away. With one hand he reached out for the bag, while offering the money with the other. That was always an intense moment, because you never knew if you'd make it past the next few seconds alive. Fortunately, Reid was fairly comfortable in the fact that his dealer ran a "clean" business. It wasn't as if he was just dealing with some street thug.

They made the exchange smoothly, and Reid put the small white bag into his jacket pocket, but didn't move away. Seven raised a brow at him, "Is there something else?"

"Yes," Reid said as he looked up, meeting Seven's cold blue eyes, "what's your real name?"

Seven paused and frowned. It took him a moment before he answered, "Tamesis."

"Tame-sis?" Reid replied.

"Yeah, it's the name of--"

"Of the River Thames, I know." Reid said with a nod as he stepped back away from Tamesis. "Um…" Reid looked down towards the ground, "Thanks for this, I guess." he pointed to his pocket. He couldn't believe how awkward he felt. Picking up his drugs was not supposed to be this difficult. On top of that, just thinking about it, and the slight aftertaste that lingered in his mouth kept threatening to make him sick.

"Just doing my job." Tamesis replied as he turned and walked away.

Reid watched him go for a moment and then turned the other way and headed back home. He knew he was going to be late, so he rushed as fast as his legs would let him without upsetting his stomach any more than it already was. He had no idea what excuse he would tell Gideon, he just hoped it would all fall into place as he went along. The thought of actually telling Gideon what happened, what he did, how low he had sunk, made the bile rise in his throat for numerous reasons.

* * *

**A/N: Now you slash lover's out there don't get too excited... And to anyone who may be concerned... This will not turn into a love story or any sort of slashy fluff. I just had to get this out of my system! I was dying to do it! Wanted to do it with his drop at the end of DSH, but decided to shoot him instead. So this has been a long time coming. Errr, in a manner of speaking. Tamesis, as much as I love him, probably won't make another appearence... well... maybe one... we'll see. There's a picture or 2 of him in my myspace pictures.  
Now go! R&R!! Please!**


	17. HighQuality Physic

Chapter 17: High-Quality Physic

Reid hurled himself through his apartment door and was into the bathroom with the door locked behind him before Gideon could even blink. Reid was ten minutes late. Gideon walked briskly to the door and listened to the retching and gagging coming from Reid. His first thought was that Reid was experiencing another withdrawal, but as he put the timeline together in his head it didn't fit. He knocked on the door but only got more retching as a response.

"Spencer, are you alright?" he asked through the door. There was no answer. "Spencer?" he tried the handle, "Open the door and let me help you." The sounds had stopped and it was now very silent.

* * *

Reid clung to the toilet bowl, breathing in deep shuddering breaths. He could only just hear Gideon over his own breaths and the ringing in his ears, but there was no way he was going to risk moving just yet. His brow was wet with sweat and his hair clung to him in places, and he wanted nothing more than to just curl up and die at that moment.

To say he was disgusted with himself would be an understatement. Now that he was thinking a little more clearly he couldn't believe his own actions. He couldn't believe how low he had slipped. And still he could hear Gideon through the door, which threatened to make him heave again. He rested his head against the cool porcelain and tried to calm himself down.

He didn't know exactly how long it took but eventually he managed to get up and flush the toilet. Next he took shaky steps towards the sink and reached for his toothbrush and toothpaste. The vomiting had done nothing to cover up the previous taste in his mouth, so now he was left with two vile tastes. He squirted the toothpaste onto the brush in a large glob, and started working vigorously on his teeth, tongue, and any other spot he could reach.

He stared at himself in the mirror as he worked. Most of the time he wasn't aware of how much he had changed in such a short time, but moments like this he realised how much of a junkie he actually looked like. Actually felt like. Even if it wasn't true. He wasn't a druggie, he knew he wasn't, and that was all that mattered. Whatever he did to make others think he was wasn't important. Not even if that included giving a blowjob to a drop boy in a not-so-secluded alley.

He spat out the bubbly foam and immediately had images of himself in the alley, down on all fours spitting a disgusting substance from his mouth, flashing through his head. He pushed them back and continued brushing. The same images, accompanied with the reason why, attacked him the next time he spat. He felt his eyes begin to water as he started to rinse his mouth out. His face contorted as he tried to hold in what he was feeling. He finished rinsing his mouth and put down his toothbrush before he just stared at himself as the tears started to flow.

Disgusting filth, that's all he was for doing what he did. And thinking back on it he couldn't come up with a significant reason why he did it. He hadn't wanted to. If he had he wouldn't feel this way now. So why? Why did he go through with it?

Reid's shoulders shook as he tried to hold in any sound he was making. He would let the tears flow freely now but he wasn't willing to let Gideon know how he was feeling. He turned and took a couple steps over to the wall across from the toilet, and sat down with his back against it and his knees pulled up to his chest. He rested his forehead against his knees and before he knew what hit him he was openly sobbing.

He felt sick again but he didn't think there was anything left to throw up. Words could not describe the humiliation, and the repulsion, he felt towards himself. He didn't even want to be in his own skin anymore. This was a stain he would never be able to wash off; something he would have to live with for the rest of his life. Knowing what he did would never leave him, no matter how hard he tried to forget.

Eventually his sobs slowed, until he was just left sniffling on the bathroom floor.

* * *

Gideon listened to all the sounds coming from the other side of the door. He had finally fell silent, unsure if he could speak without his voice cracking as he listened to Reid's pained sobs. He leaned his forehead against the door with his palms flat against the surface. It wasn't until Reid had stopped crying that Gideon found his voice again. "Spencer, open the door please. I want to know you're okay."

He heard the shuffling sound of clothing rubbing against each other, and then soft steps to the door. Gideon stepped back as he heard the door being unlocked, but nothing happened. He waited a moment and then reached for the handle and opened the door.

Reid was already back on the floor with his knees up to his chest. His face was red and blotchy from the tears he had cried. He sniffled again as Gideon stepped forward and crouched down next to him. "What's going on, Spencer? What happened?"

"N-N-Nothing, I'm fine." Reid replied. All this time he had locked himself away he hadn't even considered what he was going to tell Gideon.

"What made you get sick?"

Reid sighed and figured the best way to get through this would be to be as truthful as possible, without telling the whole truth. He looked up into Gideon's eyes, "I disgust myself. I am so… so sordid and revolting… No one person should ever be like this."

"Why do you think that? It's not true, Spencer." Gideon kept his voice calm.

"Humph, right, you only say that because you don't know. You don't really know anything. You don't know, and you never will know, all my dirty little secrets. Those are things only I know. Things that only I will have to live with for the rest of my life, day in and day out. It's in the past, it's done, over with, but it'll still be here." he brought one finger up and rested it against his temple, "It'll be here for the rest of time. How am I supposed to live with that?"

Gideon nodded and took a deep breath, "You just do, Spencer. We all have done things we're not proud of. And you're right; they stay with you, always. The memories aren't there to punish you, though; they're there to remind you of how much you've grown as a person, how far you've come, and most importantly to teach you. If you learn from your past mistakes you can consider yourself a strong valuable human being."

Reid nodded and sniffled once more, wiping his face with the back of one hand. He wasn't sure he had learned from this. Or at least not much more than realizing how low he had sunk. But to pull himself out of the hole he'd slipped into wasn't something he thought he had the strength to do anymore. So one day at a time would have to be his motto from now on.

Gideon stood and offered his hand down to Reid to help him up. After hesitating for just a moment Reid accepted it and stood. Gideon clapped him on the back with a smile, leading him out of the washroom. "Why don't you go take a seat, I'll finish up supper, and then it should be time for your next dose."

Reid nodded and let himself be steered towards the living room. He took a seat while Gideon went to the small office area, and came back with a crisp sheet of lined paper and a pen. He set it down on the table in front of Reid, who just looked at it for a moment. "What's this for?"

"So you can write your letter." Gideon replied.

"To whom?"

Gideon wore an expression that probably passed for shock, "Your mom. You've been so busy with everything going on; lately I know you haven't written in the past few days. I thought it was time you got back into your routine. She's probably wondering what happened."

Reid shook his head. He hadn't written his mom in months, it didn't seem like there was a point now. No one at the hospital had called him up inquiring why his letters had stopped, so obviously his mother hadn't noticed or cared. Reid sighed, "Trust me, she's not wondering, and she doesn't need to know. What would I tell her, 'Hi mom, sorry I didn't write, I was shot, and have also been doing drugs for a few months. Yours truly, Spencer.' No. I don't think so. On the off chance she's actually lucid enough to know who the letter is from, I don't want to put her through that."

"Okay, Spencer, as you wish." he gathered the paper and pen up again, "It was only a suggestion." He put the items away and started to tend to the food in the kitchen. They ate in relative silence, and when they both had finished and Gideon had cleaned up the dishes they both walked down the hall to Reid's room.

Reid sat down on the bed and took a fresh needle from the side table drawer, and then pulled the prescription bag from his coat pocket. He opened the bag and took out the small phial, smiling at his name printed on the label. He put the bag on the side table, and set the phial and syringe down next to it while he took off his jacket, and tossed it aside. He rolled up his right sleeve, and then reached for the syringe.

"I'm going to need more of these, only one left." Reid said to Gideon, who was standing across the room just watching, as he opened the protective packaging around it.

"Where do you get them?"

"There's a 24-hour clinic down the street that has a needle exchange program. Just walk in and exchange the old ones for new ones. They… they know me there." he mumbled the last part, all the while readying the needle. "I'll go tonight, since you go back to work in the morning, should do it before then."

"Okay, but I'm coming with you."

"Sure, but you're not coming inside." Reid replied.

"Why not?"

"I don't want you scaring anyone. There are a lot of people who practically live in that clinic, even though it's not a shelter. No offence, but I have a feeling you're going to look too official for their tastes." Reid looked up and met his eyes. "Please, just don't come in. It'll be bad for the clinic, and bad for the neighbourhood." He set the syringe, full to the 2CC mark, on the side table and then grabbed the tourniquet from the drawer.

Gideon watched as Reid skilfully tied the tourniquet around his arm using only one hand and his teeth. "So you want me to wait outside then?"

"If you insist on coming along, than yes." He flexed his arm a couple times, reached for the needle and then looked up at Gideon. Reid eyes held many emotions while his face was almost blank. "Just give me, like, twenty minutes and I'll be good to go." he said, which wasn't anything remotely close to what he wanted to say. Gideon just nodded and waited for Reid to do what he had to do. Reid lowered the needle to his skin, took a hissing intake of air as he pierced his flesh, and then sighed as he depressed the plunger on the opposite end.

With a slightly shaking hand he removed the needle and set it on the side table. He tilted his head to one side and watched his shaking hand for a moment as he started to sway where he sat. "Whoa…" he mumbled, eyelids starting to droop as his side-to-side swaying continued. He struggled to get his fingers to co-operate as he tried pulling off the tourniquet.

Gideon stepped forward, concern in his features. "Spencer, are you alright?"

Reid smiled slightly as his head dropped forward and the tourniquet fell to the floor, "Yeah… I'm just… fine." He took a breath, "Wow."

Gideon jumped towards Reid and took him by the shoulders just as he slumped forwards. Gideon then carefully laid him back on the bed. His eyes were only partially closed so the whites were still visible, and the corner of his mouth twitched like he was trying to smile but was too numbed out to do so. Gideon sighed, and brushed the hair off Reid's forehead before leaving the room. He had time to kill before Reid would be up again.

* * *

Almost exactly 20 minutes later Reid stumbled to his bedroom doorway. Gideon was there in seconds. Gideon was always there in many ways. "You gave me a slight scare there, was everything alright?"

Reid leaned heavily against the doorframe rubbing his eyes with the back of one hand, "Yeah, its fine. I was fine. I just think this one might be a little stronger. More concentrated or something, because that was… that was…"

"Almost too much?" Gideon offered.

The word Reid had been thinking of, but decided not to say, was 'wonderful'. Instead now he just nodded and tried not to fall over as his head spun, "Yeah, maybe a little." He couldn't quite push back the little demon inside that wanted to try that again, just to see what else would happen. Despite it being of a suspected higher concentration, it hadn't knocked him out fully like the old stuff did. He never physically experienced the full high until now, and a small part of him wanted another taste. Taking a slight risk he spoke what was on his mind, "Gideon, I feel better than I have in a long time. There is absolutely no pain in my shoulder right now. It… it's amazing."

Gideon frowned, "Spencer, you can hardly stand, I don't think that should fit into your 'feeling good' category." he paused, then added, "Look at me." Reid did as he was told and lifted his head, which felt rather heavy. Gideon looked into Reid's eyes and nodded, "You're pupils are dilated. You're high."

Reid smiled slightly, and gave a small giggle, "You think?"

"Yeah, I think, Spencer. I don't think we should go out right now."

Reid waved him off with one hand, the other still supporting himself against the doorframe. "It's nothing, just give me a couple more minutes to get my head straight, and then we can go." After a short pause he added, "Can you get me a coffee?"

Gideon nodded and went into the kitchen to make one up. He returned moments later with a mug for each of them. Reid took his with both hands, leaning against the doorframe with his back now. They drank in silence and when Reid was done he handed his mug back over with a smile. "Thank you." He blinked a couple times and opened his eyes fully. "Now I truly feel better." He pushed off the doorframe and stood straight. He didn't sway or feel dizzy which was always a good thing. He smiled while pressing his lips together, "Ready when you are."

They left the apartment and walked down the street together, Reid with his full sharps box under his good arm, just enjoying the night air. The clinic wasn't far and so there wasn't quite enough time for any awkward silence to build up. Once outside Reid stopped. It wasn't possible to see inside through the windows, though from the inside one could see out just fine. He turned to Gideon, "Okay, just wait here, and don't look at anyone, I'll be right back."

Gideon seemed to have a permanent frown these days, but he nodded his agreement and stayed silent. Casting his gaze from the sky to the ground as he waited.

Reid slipped inside the doors and started to walk towards the reception desk at the very back. The front area was dimly lit, lined with tables down the middle and some couches and chairs against the walls. Reid waved at the occasional person as he walked. All the patrons in the front looked like they'd lived on the street their whole lives, and most of them probably had. Still they talked, or slurred, happily with the others around them.

Drunkards and druggies without a care in the world. They hated the local shelter because despite having food and a bed, which this place lacked, they always tried to change you. Here you were free to be who you were, so long as you followed the rules. And the rules were simple. No fighting. No leaving sharps or glass bottles around. No doing drugs or drinking on site. Always use the needle exchange program. Get a monthly check-up. And finally, respect the nurses.

Reid liked that he was never asked many questions here. He never had to explain himself. And even if he were asked something, he was never forced to answer. As far as he knew he was the only one that wasn't in here daily. He stocked up for a month, and then left. With the job he had it was always good to be prepared. Risking running out of needles on a case wasn't an option for him. Though, he mused, as he was off work now, technically he didn't have to.

"Spencer! Good to see you again!" a friendly female voice sounded from behind the counter as he got closer.

Reid smiled at her, "Hey, Cilia." He set the sharps box on the counter and gave it a tap.

"You're a bit late aren't you? We were expecting you a couple days ago." Cilia said as she took the box from him. A few of the other nurses mulling about behind her gave him a wave.

A nod, "Yeah, I would have been, but you wouldn't believe the week I've had. I got shot last Sunday." Reid figured if he was going to drop that bomb he may as well do it fast.

Faster than he could blink, three more nurses joined them. "Oh my gosh, do they know who did it?" one of them asked. Another piped in with, "That must have been so frightening." The third said, "I hope you're going to be alright. Would be a right shame to loose a pretty face like you."

Reid couldn't help but smile, "The guy's dead, it was… something I never want to experience again, and thank you. I'll be fine."

Cilia waited until the others had dispersed again, "Did it have to do with you using?"

"No," Reid said automatically, "well, yes, sort of." he added. "I was…" he looked down, "I was buying and he thought I was a cop."

"Why would he think that?" Cilia asked. "You don't look like a cop."

Reid chuckled to himself, "I know. I… I don't know why, he just did." He hadn't wanted to lie to her, but he didn't want to be open about his occupation either.

Cilia sighed and went about carefully emptying out the sharps box into a special container. She put an empty box back on the counter and started counting out packages of needles. "Another thirty then?"

Reid nodded as he tucked the empty box under his good arm, "Yes, please."

Cilia moved to hand over the individual packages, held together with a rubber band, but pulled them back out of Reid's reach when he tried to take them. "You're too nice to be trapped in this world. You're not like the rest of these people." She motioned to the patrons across the room. "I don't want to see you end up like them, okay? It would be too sad."

Reid nodded, "Okay." and reached for the bunch of syringes again.

Cilia kept them out of reach. "Promise me you'll get yourself clean one way or another."

"I promise." Reid said with as much honesty as he could muster. "I've got good friends." he said with a slight smile and a glance over his shoulder out the window, "They're already trying, so I will, I promise. I just want my gunshot wound to heal first."

Cilia gave a nod and then handed over the bundle. "The only bad thing that can come from that is we won't get to see you here anymore." Though it was a sad truth they'd all miss the tall guy with the gorgeous wave in his hair, she was smiling as she spoke.

"I'll visit." Reid replied with his own smile.

"Really? You're not just saying that?" Cilia gave him a little wink and a laugh.

"You can count on it." Reid tucked the bundle into his coat pocket and gave a wave to everyone before he turned and walked out the door back to Gideon.

Gideon looked at him expectantly. "We good?"

Reid nodded, "Yep, got all I need." He smiled, "Let's go home."

Gideon smiled back, "Sounds like a good idea." He placed a supportive hand around Reid's good shoulder and guided him down the street. He'd had time to think while he stood on the street waiting, and now he knew that even though it wasn't perfect right now, Reid had taken many steps to be sure he'd be safe. And by being safe would eventually be able to return to normal. A part of Gideon wanted it to happen sooner rather than later, but at least now he knew Reid hadn't dug his own grave by making the choices he had. Every step had been thought through logically, and though the 'right' choice may not have been the one chosen, at least everything that went into it was as careful as one could be. So for now that would have to be enough encouragement for Gideon to trust Reid's judgement. Therefore trusting him with being on his own when he returned to work in the morning.

He gave Reid's shoulder a small squeeze, which caused Reid to smile at him, as they walked. The almost set sun behind them was making everything golden. It was a small moment in time without either of them having another care in the world, and knowing it wouldn't last.


	18. The Good Stuff

**A/N: Well updating sooner than usual because I decided to split this chapter into 2 parts. It was getting to be about 4000 words and hadn't gotten to the main even yet. So I decided to split it. Rather than forcing you all to read an uber long chapter. This one may be a tad on the short side but the next one should make up for it. And I can assure you the next one is even better than this one. There's also a little tiny bit of research going into the next chapter. I'm more than excited for it. So for now, enjoy this little starter, and get ready for the next!! Hoping to have it up in a couple days as well. :D Cheers!  
Oh and one more thing... the end of this may touch the bottom end of an 'M' rating, but I don't think so... And it's not slash, so the people that aren't comfortable with that hopefully don't have to worry.**

* * *

Chapter 18: The Good Stuff

Reid awoke the next morning to a knock on his door. He groaned and rolled over, "What is it?"

Gideon answered, "I have to leave in about 30 minutes. We should do your morning dose now so that I know you're okay before I go."

Reid groaned again and started to push himself into a sitting position, "Okay, okay, I'm up. You can come in."

Reid was sitting on the edge of his bed in his light and dark blue spotted boxers when Gideon opened the door. The stuff from his dose last night had already been put away so Reid was once again digging everything out of the drawers. Gideon turned on the light and stood where he always did while Reid got himself ready. As Reid was about to insert the needle into his arm Gideon moved and sat next to him. "You don't have to do this, you know. You can get through it without."

Reid stopped and looked up into his eyes, "Yes I do. This is the best way for everything. My shoulder will heal, I'll wean myself off, and be good as new. It's the longer road, yes, but it's the better one. The easier one. Trust me."

Gideon looked back into Reid's eyes, so large and honest, and found himself nodding. "Okay, just do it, I don't have much time." He didn't want to rush Reid, but he wanted to get it over with so he wouldn't have to think about it again until tonight.

Reid nodded and looked back down at the needle and syringe. "If I'm not up when you have to go, get me up, okay?" he mumbled. He saw Gideon nod out of the corner of his eye so he took a deep breath and gritted his teeth together as he inserted the needle into a vein. Slowly he injected the drug into his system, not going too fast this time, hoping maybe that would stop his head from spinning like last time. It worked to an extent but as soon as he pulled the tourniquet off it hit him in a rush.

He let his head fall back and his eyelids fluttered. Distantly, like it was happening in some other universe, he felt an arm around him that carefully lowered him down onto the bed again. He opened his eyes to see Gideon, or a blurry head who he assumed was Gideon, looking down on him. Nothing was in focus as all the colours melted together like heated wax. He tried to make his eyes work, or his mouth to move, but nothing happened. He tried to squeeze Gideon's hand but couldn't quite do that either, managing only a small twitch of his fingers. He saw Gideon move out of his line of sight and Reid let himself succumb to everything the drug was making him feel, or not feel.

This was so different from his previous phials; stronger, yet weaker; effecting different areas of his mind and body. There was no way his old stuff could compare to this; on a scale of one to ten, it was a four, this was a twelve. He took a deep breath and with it felt all his nerve endings light up. Little sparks and tingles of pleasure all over his body. He could feel his heart racing in his chest, beating so hard against his ribcage he thought it would break though, and if it did he was sure he would laugh. He felt the same pulse beating through every artery, arteriole, vein, venule, and capillary he had. His blood, his whole body, was on fire, and it was _so_ good.

Reid was sure he let out a little moan of pleasure, and silently hoped Gideon had already left the room. Disregarding the fact he couldn't make his body move, he had never felt more alive, more free, than he did now. He was flying, he was on fire, he was spinning and jumping, all the while watching the most brilliant display of colours join together and mix. Every breath caused more sensational tingles to run from his head to his toes. In the strangest way it was one of the most, if not the most, erotic things he'd ever experienced. He never would have believed it possible to taste pleasure like this all by oneself, not having need of another person to share it with. It was ecstasy and he caught himself releasing another moan in pure bliss.

He wasn't quite sure how much time had passed when he was finally able to move his body again. He shifted so he was laying on his side, and then onto his stomach. Every movement or contact with another surface like the blankets or his clothes sent shivers down his spine. He took deep breaths, his chest still holding a residual ache from his heart pounding so hard. He was panting and realised quite suddenly that he was sweating profusely, or at least had been. The blankets beneath him were damp, and his boxers were clinging to his skin. He was glad he'd chosen to forgo the full-length pyjama bottoms when he'd gone to bed.

Last night he hadn't let himself submit to the whole experience, having been too taken aback by the new feelings. This time though the ache in his chest wasn't just for physical reasons, but an ache to do it one more time. He shook his head and pulled himself up so he was sitting on his knees. He brushed his sticky wet hair off his face and silently reprimanded himself for thinking that way. Yeah it had been good, wonderful even, but he couldn't do it again, at least not until tonight.

He had to stick to the rules, and stick to his own personal promises while Gideon was away. It was the only way they could continue to trust one another, and the logical part of Reid definitely didn't want to loose that. He'd do whatever it took to make sure he kept to the rules, or at least the ones he hadn't already broken.

Being very cautious of his movements he shifted and put his feet on the floor and then stood. He only swayed a little before he walked towards his bedroom door in his wet boxers. He could hear water running, probably from the bathroom sink, which told him where Gideon was. Once he reached his door he closed it and then turned to his right to the closet at the foot of his bed. He lacked a proper dresser so everything was in here, including a fresh, clean, dry, pair of boxers, this time off-white with just a shade darker diagonal stripes. He striped out of the wet pair and slipped into the clean ones.

Next he took out a pair of loose fitting beige slacks, and a long sleeved button up shirt to match. He kept them folded and grabbed two socks out of the sock basket on the floor of the closet next to the left-hand set of shelves. The 'pair' happened to be a dark blue and cream. Lastly he took his housecoat off one of the hangers and put it on, tying it tight. As he opened his bedroom door again Gideon was just exiting the bathroom.

"You're alright then." Gideon said, less of a question and more of a statement.

Reid nodded, "Yes, just fine." As Gideon walked to the living room, Reid followed and then turned into the kitchen for a coffee. As he sipped on his fresh mug Gideon made his way to the front door with the small overnight bag he'd brought earlier in the week. Reid stayed a few steps behind him at all times just sipping at his coffee.

"Well," Gideon said, "I've only got a few more minutes. You're positive you'll be fine without me?"

"Of course, Gideon. I'm going to shower and then sit down with a book or three for the rest of the day. Can't get myself into much trouble that way." he managed a weak smile.

"I can call in sick and stay through the weekend with you." Gideon offered. "Hotch would understand."

Reid shook his head, "There's no need for that, I'll be fine. Go to work, get back to normal, and I'll try and do the same, okay?"

Gideon sighed, he didn't want to leave, but he knew he couldn't smother Reid forever, it would eventually be counter productive. "Okay. Just remember one thing."

"Hmmm?" Reid murmured.

"I trust you." Gideon replied.

Reid smiled, "Thank you. Now go! You'll be late." Reid held the door as Gideon left and then let it softly close behind him. Finally silence. Some peace and quite. And most importantly, freedom. He no longer felt like a caged animal always being observed. He could breathe freely, and prove to Gideon he could do just fine on his own. But first there was one thing he needed to do.

He walked into his bedroom and snatched his phone off the side table. He had it flipped open and was pressing the '7' faster than one could blink. Holding the phone to his ear he waited. It wasn't a long wait as it when silent halfway through the first ring. "Dilaudid." Reid replied into the silence, for once not hesitating over his words or dreading to speak them.

His dealer chucked, "You're quite the talker these days. What can I do for you?"

"What the hell!" Reid replied.

This was received with more chuckles from the man on the other end of the line, "My, my, we're rather feisty this morning. Do you like?"

"What?"

"The new batch, of course." he replied as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"What is it?"

"It's exactly what you asked for."

"I don't know what you mean. I asked for Dilaudid and nothing more."

"And that's what you have. I seem to recall you asking we make this as legit as possible. So I've given you the good stuff. I thought you'd appreciate it. You are a valued customer after all."

"What. Is. It?" Reid nearly growled out every word.

"I've already told you, you just don't listen well. The stuff you'd had before was the cheap watered down version of the real thing. What is usually sold on the streets. Now that you seem extra serious about our business operation I'm allowing you the luxury of the real deal. You're getting exactly what you asked for, so don't blame me if you're not satisfied. I can always take them back if you'd rather."

"No! Don't!" Reid tried to bite back the words but it was too late, he'd already said them; and the desperation and panic at the thought of loosing the drugs was not lost on either of them.

His dealer chuckled again, "As I suspected. Is there anything else."

"Yes," Reid replied, "keep these on hand so that when I call you're ready."

Reid couldn't see the grin on the other man's face, but he could hear it in his voice, "As you wish. Always a _pleasure_ doing business with you, as I'm sure Seven would agree."

Reid stomach was in an immediate knot and he had to force back the urge to throw up again. He'd almost forgotten about that little encounter, doing his best to push it out of his mind for good, but now he remembered. Now he was once again back to hating himself. He was going to hang up when something compelled him to ask one more thing, "H-How did you…?"

"Know about that little transgression of yours? All my boys are required to report back after every drop, every detail. You can't hide anything from me. Good day to you." The line went dead shortly thereafter.

Reid stood for a moment trying to figure out what he was supposed to do next. During the course of the conversation he'd paced out of his room and to the kitchen, then to the office, and then back down the hall. He was standing outside his bedroom door now when he spotted the folded clothes. Right, shower.

He walked in and picked up the small pile and then walked out again, setting his phone down on the ledge of the opening between the hall and the kitchen. It was always a good central location for him to reach. Finally he walked into the bathroom and set the clothes on the toilet seat lid, and pulled a towel from the cupboard at the foot of the tub, which he set on top of the clothes.

He pulled the curtains around the tub, and then reached in and started the water. He took off his housecoat, leaving it in a lump by his feet as he stripped out of the boxers he was wearing. He checked both of the large gauze squares protecting his wounds to make sure they were completely covered and wouldn't get wet, which they were. Then finally he pushed the shower curtain aside just enough so that he could step in and wouldn't have water spray into the floor.

The first thing he did was grab the light brown-cream coloured bar of soap. As he lathered it up the soft aroma of vanilla filled the air. It made him smile. Vanilla was one of his favourite scents. He rubbed the soap across his skin, still getting the odd twinge of fire under his flesh. His chest still felt a little tight, but it was all fading slowly. He finished soaping his body up and then quickly rinsed it off under the warm spray.

The next thing was the shampoo. He squirted a generous amount onto his hand and then worked it into his hair. He rubbed at his scalp, releasing all the dead skin, and taking away the dirt and sweat. Once the lather had been worked up enough he let it sit and just enjoyed the spray pounding against his chest. He wasn't worried about not taking too long now that Gideon wasn't watching over his shoulder. He could just sit and enjoy this as the individual drops of water set his skin alight.

Reid wasn't sure what possessed him to do it, it was more as if he wasn't in control of his actions, but he slowly realised that his hands were running along his body. Almost in an attempt to create more of those sparks when his nerve endings would flare. It wasn't enough, it wasn't nearly enough. He pressed his right hand against his abdomen and slowly slid it downward until he touched what he wanted. A part of him was nervous, as this wasn't something he did often, hardly ever to be honest, but the other part of him was aching, _yearning_, to recreate the same sensations he'd felt when experiencing the drug.

He slowly stroked, taking deep breaths and concentrating on each sensation. He wanted that flame under his skin, that burning passion and desire, and most importantly that feeing of freeness and elation. He flicked his wrist and sped up the pace just slightly. The sensations running though him right now were mere phantoms of what he'd felt before. He quickened the speed again, and then again, but the tingling stayed at a dull level.

With a cry he stopped and smacked his palm into the tiled wall in front of him. His left hand joined it and he leaned forward and let the water rinse the shampoo from his hair, and cascade down his back. The aggravation was overwhelming and he could feel the tears prickling behind his eyes. He felt ashamed for many reasons, none of which he could really put a finger on. Some included guilt, some embarrassment, and some he just felt defective. Was it really such a difficult thing to create that spark on your own? Or was he just wrong? Maybe he'd just been trying too hard, or comparing this to something that was so wonderful it was impossible to describe. So of course, nothing else could ever measure up.

Reid wanted to curse as he stood up straight and made sure all the suds were out of his hair. He didn't though, despite his frustration he held his tongue. He'd wanted so badly to recreate that same feeling, so that maybe, just maybe he wouldn't have to turn to the drugs to get it. Now, however, he knew that wasn't going to be possible. Nothing would ever measure up. He closed his eyes tightly against the tears that still wanted to fall. There was absolutely no other solution to this predicament. If he couldn't recreate it by other means, he'd just have to avoid it all together.


	19. Jessica

**A/N: Special guest star appearances in this chapter! Hope you all remember DSH well enough to know who I'm talking about! lol**

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Chapter 19: Jessica

By early afternoon Reid had calmed down and was fully dressed in the clothes he'd picked out earlier. He was in his chair with his second book of the day in his hands when the buzzer rang signalling someone was downstairs. He set the book down and got up, making his way down the hall to answer on the intercom. "Who is it?" he asked, as he wasn't expecting anyone.

"Friends." came a female voice in reply.

Reid frowned, the voice sounded familiar but he couldn't place from where. He bit his bottom lip for a second before he pushed the button to unlock the main doors. He waited by his door until he heard two sets of voices just outside, one male and one female. The male voiced sounded familiar too, but he still couldn't place it. A moment later there was a knock. Cautiously he opened it and then widened his eyes in surprise at who it was.

"Spencer!" the young woman with the black hair and various piercing said as she gave him a hug. The man stayed silent and just waved.

"Erm, Jessica right? And Leo?" Reid looked at each of them respectively and they nodded. "How did you know where I lived?"

"Well let me tell you, you're not an easy man to find, but once we knew where to look it wasn't all that hard." Jessica said.

"And… Why are you here?" Reid said, stepping aside finally to let them in.

"Well I'd asked one of the other agents if we could visit you in the hospital to say thanks, and he said we could, but by the time we were cleared from the scene and got there it was very late and you weren't seeing any visitors. We came back the next day but you'd already been released. We just never got a chance to thank you properly is all. So we thought we'd give you a few days to recuperate and then we'd come and visit. It's not like we're working right now. We really felt it was important to show our gratitude. You saved our lives after all." Jessica said with a smile as Reid led them to the living room and silently gestured to the couch.

Reid couldn't help but notice the continual use of the word 'we', while the whole time Leo said nothing. Neither did he nod in agreement. He just remained silent, arms crossing and uncrossing every few moments. Reid took this to mean that Leo hadn't at all agreed to this and was just along for the ride. "Well that's very nice of you, but you didn't have to."

"Nonsense! Of course we did! Wouldn't have felt right about myself if we didn't. Besides, looks like you could use the company."

Reid shrugged, "Can I get you anything to drink?"

"Do you have any beer?" Jessica asked.

"Um, no, sorry. Just coffee or water really." Reid replied.

"Then I'll pass. Leo?" Leo shook his head.

Reid nodded and took a seat in his chair. They made small talk, and chatted about what their days had been like after the event that had brought them together. As time passed Leo appeared to be getting more and more uncomfortable. Reid couldn't quite tell if his expression was one of agitation or annoyance. Jessica talked and smiled and laughed, reaching across the table to give his hand or knee an encouraging squeeze as their conversation continued.

Finally Leo had had enough and he stood quickly causing Jessica to fall silent. "That's it Jess! I'm going home!"

"But, I'm not ready to leave yet." She stood as he turned to walk down the hall and took 2 long steps to take his arm. "Leo, what are you doing?"

"Leaving Jess. Are you coming with me, or staying with _him_." Leo gave her the ultimatum.

"What's that supposed to mean? Can't you see he's lonely? We should stay for a little while more." Jessica was doing her best to keep Leo calm.

"No Jessica. I'm not going to sit here and watch you flirt with the nerd all night!"

"That's insane Leo! He just needs some company."

"Well if you want to be his 'company' so badly, you can, but don't expect me to sit here and take it. I'm going home. You're either coming with me now, or your taking a bus."

"Leo! Quit being so damn irrational! He's all alone here and I want to make sure he's alright."

"You haven't shut up about him for days. If you want to screw him so bad, just tell it to me straight! Yeah he saved our lives, big deal. You don't owe him anything! And he certainly doesn't deserve to get a good screw from you. He's not worth it. Goodbye, Jessie." Leo pulled his arm out of her grasp and stalked down the hall, slamming the door behind him as he left.

Reid sat shocked, not exactly sure what to say or do. He looked at Jessica's back for a few moments thinking of what had just unfolded. It wasn't until he saw her shoulders shaking that he got up and stepped towards her. He placed one hand on her shoulder, "I'm sorry Jessica." She just stared straight ahead at the door down the hall. "Jessica?"

"It's not your fault." she replied her voice quavering slightly. "It's not true, what he said." She turned to face him, cheeks stained with silent tears. "It's not that I don't think you're great, because I do, but I do love Leo."

Reid nodded, "its okay, I understand, you don't have to explain anything." In a way he was glad she didn't want to sleep with him. If she did it would only complicate things more and he couldn't deal with that right now.

"Don't listen to what he said. About you I mean. That's not true either. He's just upset and needed someone to blame. He really does appreciate what you did for us." She continued to rationalize what had just happened.

"Jessica, I told you, it's okay. I probably have a better understanding of what just happened than you do." Reid said.

Jessica's eyes widened a little, and then after a moment she nodded, "Yeah, I guess you would, being a brilliant FBI agent and all."

"Jessica, the best thing you can do right now is give him some time and space to cool down." He put his hand back on her shoulder, giving her and encouraging squeeze, while he smiled a sad smile. After a moment he added, "You… You can stay here until he comes back. Or at least until tonight. I'm sorry I won't be able to put you up for any longer, but--"

Jessica smiled, and cut off his sentence, "That's wonderful of you! You're such a good person Spencer. Don't let anyone tell you different." She stepped forward and gave him a hug in thanks.

Reid returned the hug, but when he suddenly felt Jessica sobbing into his shoulder he tensed up. A simple hug he could do; consoling a young woman was not something he felt confident with. He put his hands on the sides of her arms, "Jessica? S-Stop. Don't… Don't cry. It'll be fine." He gently pushed her away from him, still holding her arms.

She nodded slowly and he let her go. After a moment she walked over to the couch and grabbed her purse, digging out her phone. "I'll be right back; I just have to make a couple calls." Reid nodded as she left the apartment.

When she let herself back in Reid was just pouring a fresh cup of coffee. "So who'd you call?" he asked curiously, "If you don't mind my asking."

"I ordered us a pizza and stuff." Jessica replied, looking considerably calmer than she had a few moments ago. "Don't worry; everything I got is on me. It's the least I can do."

"Everything you got?" Reid asked.

"You'll see." She said with a smile. "We're going to relax and have some fun. No use staying upset over something we can't change." She had her hand in her purse digging around for something Reid couldn't see. When she found it her smile got bigger and she murmured, "Perfect."

"Um, Jessica, I'd feel better about this if I knew what you had in mind." Reid said cautiously.

"Don't worry Spencer, just trust me. It'll be great."

Reid frowned and returned to his chair. They carried on simple conversation again until the door buzzer sounded. Jessica was up and down the hall to answer it before Reid could even put his coffee down. She buzzed them up without asking who it was, which caused Reid's stomach to twist into a knot. He stayed where he was, hoping he had nothing to worry about. While she was dealing with whoever was on the other side of the door the buzzer sounded again, and once again she buzzed the person up without clarifying their identity.

The first person left and the second arrived. She dealt with them and then was walking back to the living room with a large pizza and two brown paper bags. She set the hot pizza down directly on the coffee table, nearly on top of the book Reid had been reading early, which he dove to protect and move out of the way just in time. She set the paper bags on the floor and then pulled out a six-pack of beer from one. She cracked one open and handed it to Reid who shook his head.

"No, no thank you. I don't drink. Not lately anyway." he replied. He certainly wasn't going to drink when he had his drug in his system. The result could be catastrophic.

"Come on, Spencer, live a little!" She said, taking a swig from the open can.

"No, Jessica, I won't, and you shouldn't either."

She shrugged, "I thought we were going to have some fun?" She chugged down the rest of the can as Reid sat shocked.

"We can! We can sit and talk, and enjoy each other's company!"

"Spencer, that's not fun!" She was already taking out a new can and cracking the top. "Are you sure you don't want any?"

"Positive, thanks." Reid replied. He watched her pull a cut off straw from her purse and then a small package of white powder, and he nearly choked on his own saliva as he gasped. "W-What are you doing?"

"We're having. A party." She said firmly as she tipped a little of the powder on to his smooth coffee table. Next she took out a razorblade and, sitting down on the floor, started to separate the little pile into lines.

Reid was on his feet shaking his head. "No! Jessica, no! Not in my house! You can't… This isn't… Please don't…" She was already snorting her first line as he stammered to say what he wanted. "Is that cocaine?"

She looked up at him and held out the straw, "Yuh huh. Do you want some?"

"What!? God, no! Jessica, if this is how you cope," he recalled Morgan and Prentiss' altercation with her after Leo had disappeared, "it's not right. This isn't the proper way to deal with things. This won't make it all go away; just postpone it so you don't have to think about it. And that's not living life! That's running from it." He realised quite suddenly that he could very easily take his own advice, and that it was easier said than done. He quickly pushed that from his mind and continued, "Don't you understand that what happened to you and the other hostages was a chance to start over? A chance to realise what you had become, and change your life. I'm trying to, you should too."

She hadn't appeared to have taken in anything he said. "Right, you're more of an injection person. I think I may have a lighter and a spoon." she mumbled as she starting looking in her purse again.

Reid knelt down next to Jessica and forced her to look at him, one hand on either side of her head and neck. "Jessica, listen to me. You don't have to do this. And I'd really rather you didn't do it in my house."

"But you said I could stay here." she said softly.

"I know. I know I did, and you can, but I don't like this."

"Well I'm sorry you don't know how to have fun, Spencer! Let me go. I need to do this. I want to do this."

Reid sighed and dropped his hands, watching as she did another line. He stood and went back to his chair. Chaperoning someone else's drug use was not how he'd planed to spend his evening, but there was no way he could kick her to the street if she was in this state. He watched as the drugs took hold of her. He didn't like it. He didn't like it at all. He fidgeted nervously in his chair, not speaking, even when she tried to talk to him.

"Come on, Spencer." she said. "Join me?"

He merely shook his head in response. Hours slipped by, the pizza slowly disappeared, slice by slice, though Reid had none. He just watched Jessica closely in her slightly tweaked out state. He counted the time it took her to reach the peak high for each line; about 14.6 minutes. She seemed bubbly and happy now, but Reid knew it was just a mask.

As it was nearing time for her to be reaching another peak Reid noticed she wasn't acting quite as high as usual and she was frowning. She sighed, "Shit."

"W-What?" Reid asked.

"It's not enough. I need more. My tolerance level has shot up. That happens after a few hours. I should have expected it." She separated two more lines from the pile which was now nearly gone.

Reid looked down at his hands as she snorted them, not wanting to bare witness to it. He didn't want to see her state of bliss, because it would only remind him of his own. He closed his eyes, chewed his lower lip, and wrung his hands nervously. Perhaps it was already too late to ignore the pull. He fidgeted just for a moment before standing up. "I'll be right back." he mumbled, before turning down the hall and stepping into the bathroom.

Jessica watched him with a sly smile. They were connected, through more than just what they'd experienced in that basement. They were one in the same when it came to their vices, and she knew exactly what he was thinking about, and exactly how to remedy it for him.

Slowly she stood, keeping her balance remarkably well, and before the rush could take hold of her, walked down the hall, running her fingers along the wall and humming to herself. She stepped inside Reid's bedroom, and paused only for a moment to think of where he would have it. It didn't take her long to notice the tourniquet still on the floor by the bed, and then the small phial on the side table.

She walked over to them, stepping past the nearly dry pair of discarded boxers from earlier. That morning's needle had been put into the sharps box already by Gideon before he'd left the room, so Jessica looked in the first place she would thinking of storing them. And it was in that top drawer that she found them. She grabbed a few of the individual packages, and the phial from the table, and finally the tourniquet off the floor, before making her way back down to the living room. She set the items on Reid's side of the table and then set herself back down on the floor, snorting another line as she waited.

Reid had stepped into the bathroom and locked the door before turning to face the mirror. He talked quietly to himself, trying to convince himself of what was the right thing to do. He couldn't allow himself to take any more until later, it wasn't quite time yet. And Gideon wasn't here to monitor it, and he certainly wouldn't approve of this. Though, Reid reasoned, now that Gideon was back at work, he wasn't sure how he was supposed to monitor his use. Maybe he was allowed to use on his own now? They'd never talked about it, so he wasn't sure.

He stared at his reflection, gripping the sides of the sink. "Don't, it's not what you want." he whispered to the face staring back at him. He turned on the taps and splashed some water on his face, then wiped it dry. With a sigh he went back to looking at himself and verbally convincing himself to avoid the phial in his room.

A moment later he heard Jessica call out, "Spencer?"

"W-What is it?" he replied.

"Come back out here, I have something for you."

"Just a minute." he said with a sigh. He didn't want to know what she had for him now, and he was certain he wouldn't want whatever it was. He waited just long enough that maybe she'd be in the peak of her high when he got there, and thus she'd forget what she had, before he walked out to the living room.

It didn't take him long to notice his drug sitting on the table. He took a step back and looked at the young woman who was now standing up again. "Jessica? No. What? This… no." his voice was barely a whisper.

She stood and picked up the phial and one of the syringes on her way past as she walked towards him. She held them up in front of his face as she stepped into his personal space, "Don't you like?"

He furrowed his brow just slightly, and the corners of his mouth turned down, as he gave her the saddest puppy-dog eyes she'd ever seen. "Please don't." He put his hands on her shoulders and tried to push her back out of his space. Either she was stronger than she looked, or he didn't try very hard, because she didn't move.

"Come on, Spencer. I can tell you want it. I can feel your pain. See the longing in your eyes." She stepped up right close to him -- and he let her -- and draped her arms around his neck, holding the two items behind his head. Her eyes had a glazed over look to them and he shook his head.

"No. Please… God, Jessica, don't." He closed his eyes, trying to fight the overwhelming temptation. She touched the cool phial to the back of his neck, and an involuntary shiver ran down his spine. He couldn't help but tighten his grip on her arms.

She smiled, her voice slurring slightly, "You can't hide this from me. I know exactly how you feel." She was nearly hanging off him now, and he wasn't sure if it was on purpose, or if she could no longer stand properly. She was so close he could feel her breath on his neck as she continued to speak, "Don't you want to feel that rush? The ecstasy and euphoria. That whole-body orgasm. You know the one I mean."

Reid didn't realise it at the time, but he was whimpering in response. He felt the cool phial against his neck again and groaned, tilting his head back to try and keep the contact. It slipped away from him and it took him a moment to realise that Jessica had moved away too. He opened his eyes to look at her.

She was back at the table, holding the phial and syringe in one hand while she scooped a small mound of cocaine onto on finger nail. Carefully she turned back to Reid and stepped towards him. She held her hand up, right below his face, "Do you want some now?"

Reid shook his head and whispered, "No." Jessica then snorted the small mound instead.

"But you do want this." she said, holding up her other hand.

Reid closed his eyes again, knowing looking at it would only heighten the temptation, but he didn't reply.

Jessica took his silence as a 'yes'. "I knew you did." she said. "Come on, have a little fun with me before I have to go." Reid opened his eyes as she started leading him over to his chair.

He felt so powerless to decline what she was offering. He couldn't deny he wanted it. He wanted it so desperately. And the fact that she knew this, that she could read it on his face clear as day, made it so much harder to refuse. He couldn't hide that inner demon from her. He couldn't say no. He sat down in his chair and looked at his hands. He tried to make himself smaller, not touching the sides of the chair, hoping that if he just disappeared he wouldn't have to face this.

It happened as fast as he blinked. One moment he was looking at his empty hands, the next Jessica had placed the syringe package and phial in them. He didn't know what she was doing, he couldn't see her, all he knew now was that he couldn't open the package fast enough. He set the phial in his lap as his fingers practically tore into the packet. His heart was already beating quickly in anticipation.

He threw the wrapping aside and picked up the phial. His first instinct was to draw out a regular 2cc dose, but he paused just long enough to throw logic into the equation. He already knew there was no turning back, but rather than take a full dose he only took out 1cc.

As he was focused on drawing out the right amount he felt the chair move. He looked up as Jessica placed one knee on either side of his legs and sat facing him. There was enough room on the chair, however, that she didn't physically touch him. She took the phial from his hands and twisted her body to set it on the table behind her. It was now that Reid noticed she had the tourniquet in her hands.

She started to unbutton the cuff on Reid's left sleeve and he shook his head, pulling his arm away from her, before holding out his right. "You use your right arm?" she said curiously.

Reid merely nodded and let her unbutton the cuff and roll up his sleeve. Next she tied the tubing around his upper am and gave him a smile. Reid's expression was now unreadable as he held the syringe in his left hand.

She draped her hand over his, and looked at the syringe. "May I?" she asked.

This time his response was a shake of the head. There was no way he was letting someone else, someone who was practically a stranger, shoot him up again. It had been different with Gideon. He had been desperate, and Gideon was a friend. There was a certain level of trust there that he didn't have here. Jessica seemed to understand and sat back on her heels, still not sitting on his lap, but rather right above it.

Reid didn't waste time; he was jonesing for this is the worst way. He was slightly careless in his frenzy; slipping the needle beneath his skin and injecting the drug in one continuous motion. He looked at Jessica and saw her beam a very lopsided smile at him as the drugs she took finally got to her head. Her fingers still worked enough to take the syringe from him, and the tourniquet off his arm, and place them back on the table.

When she looked at Reid again he had his head tilted back, and his eyes half closed. She snaked her fingers around either side of his neck and lifted his head, even though hers was starting to feel heavy as well. Reid looked at her, and they shared the same glazed expression. "It's wonderful isn't it?" she said, leaning forward and whispering in his ear. She felt him nod his head. She continued to smile her dopey smile, as she rested her head on his right shoulder. She wasn't sure now if she could lift it. "Can you feel it rushing through your veins?"

Reid nodded again, breathing deeply, and groaning. Her breath against his neck was making those nerve endings fire repeatedly. It wasn't quite as intense as that morning, but it was enough. Enough to distort his vision, and enough to make him feel alive. It felt as if his brain was becoming mush, softening; while at the same time other areas hardened. It was a strange sensation, the two opposites occurring at the same time, and it made him want to laugh. He could still feel Jessica's breath, or maybe now it was something else, against his neck, and her hands -- her hands and fingers, well he didn't know where they were exactly, they seemed to be everywhere. He was too lost to the blissful sensations running through him to pinpoint them.

His own hands were on his thighs, gripping at the fabric and holding on tightly. He could feel the tingle as the cool sweat on his brow rolled down his face. Everything was so wonderful! He still had no idea what Jessica was doing, but so long as this high didn't stop, he honestly didn't care.

He did notice when she slipped away, as every slight brush against him caused him to moan. He forced his eyes to open, and stay open, while watched her as she stumbled to the couch and lay down. She sighed and closed her eyes, "Having fun?"

Reid nodded, and then realised he'd have to speak because she couldn't see him. "Oh… God, yes." he breathed the words more than spoke them.

"Hmm, I knew you would." she said. "You shouldn't deny yourself these simple pleasures." her speech was getting slower and more slurred.

"I… I…" he let his head fall back and groaned again as another pleasurable wave hit him. "I… could lose… my job." he said in gasps.

"It's not your fault if they don't…. don't understand your needs." she replied. "It's just a job. Get another."

"You don't… understand. It's not just a job; it's… oh wow… It's… it's my life, and my friends… I can't loose that." He didn't get a reply, so he lifted his head to look at Jessica. She was breathing steadily, but had clearly passed out. He let out a small whimper and brought his knees up, curling into a small ball on the chair. He'd tried to explain how much his life meant to him, but he wasn't sure if it was true, given that he'd willingly taken this drug again.

He closed his eyes and took deep breaths of liquid fire. He felt like he was drowning, while at the same time had never been more free. He felt so tired, exhausted, and ached all over. Yet it was still a welcome, even delightful, ache. He sat and rested, still breathing heavily. He only just barely heard the door opening, but it was enough to make his heart skip a beat, and his eyes shoot open.

* * *

**A/N2: lol well it appears this chapter is being split 3 times... There was a little bit more I was going to do, and then I was at a loss for what to do next, so decided to save the bit I do know for the next chapter. Hope you enjoyed this! :D It was a blast to write!**


	20. Antagonism

Chapter 20: Antagonism

Reid could hear the seconds on the clock ticking by, but slower and louder than he imagined possible. The sound of his apartment door opening was almost lost beneath the ticking. Despite the slight distortion in audio, he realised what the sound was and a certain fear set in. His eyes snapped open and the ticking clock got louder. Three agonizingly long seconds later he was forcing himself out of his chair and stumbling towards the hall.

He reached it just as Gideon came to the end of it. As Reid stumbled forward Gideon dropped his overnight bag and caught Reid under his arms, keeping him from slamming his face into the floor. He held Reid upright, albeit swaying slightly, and looked at him, concern written on his face.

The fear in Reid's eyes was all encompassing and threatened to swallow Gideon whole. He pushed passed that and looked at Reid closer. He noticed the sweat on his brow, then the dilated pupils and the slightly glazed look behind the fear. His eyes dropped to Reid's rolled up sleeve and then finally to the small mark on his arm with a fresh drop of blood. His concern turned to confusion as he dropped his arms from supporting Reid and finally looked at the rest of the room.

The shock on his face must have been clearly evident as he took in the passed out female, discarded beer cans, Reid's drugs, plus what appeared to be some remnants of cocaine, for as soon as he saw them Reid started stammering. "G-Gideon… I… It's… not… I think… I mean… I…

This is… explainable."

Gideon returned his gaze to Reid, the confusion and shock having now melded into disappointment. "Good. You'll get your chance to explain, but not now."

Reid was taken aback by how cold Gideon sounded. The disappointment made Reid's stomach fall away from him, leaving him with a sad empty pit of despair. "Gideon… Please, I…" he swayed a little more and put a hand to his head in a feeble attempt to stop the dizziness. He groaned, closing his eyes and letting his far-too-heavy head drop forward. He focused on breathing for a moment and then looked back up at Gideon. "I…" Reid was really unsure of what he wanted to say so instead he just reached out for Gideon.

Gideon stepped aside and pointed down the hall, "I don't want to hear any of your excuses, Reid. Just go to bed, and sleep this off. We'll talk when you can think clearly."

It broke Gideon's heart when Reid looked as if he were about to cry. But he didn't, he just nodded meekly and walked past Gideon, holding onto the wall for support. Gideon watched until he was safely tucked away in his room before he fully entered the living room, and took a seat in Reid's chair. There was nothing he could do but wait for one of them to wake up sober. And when they did, there would be a lot of explaining to do.

* * *

Jessica stirred and then groaned. She had a pounding headache and a pretty good reason why. She kept her eyes shut as she murmured, "Spencer?" She waited a moment and, upon getting no reply, opened her eyes.

Gideon wasn't exactly sure of how many hours had passed since he sat down, but now the sun had well and truly set, and the only light on was the one next to the chair he was in. He watched the young woman as she started to come to. He ignored her words, and made sure he was looking directly at her eyes when she opened them.

As Jessica opened her eyes and saw the strange form of a man sitting across from her she wanted to scream. She held it in with just as gasp as she bolted into a sitting position. The sudden movement made her head spin. She forced herself to calm down and actually look at the man. She recognised him. "You…" she furrowed her brow in thought. "You were in that alley when Spencer was shot?"

Gideon nodded, "I was. Now, who are you?"

"J-Jessica Goring." she said. When Gideon didn't say anything she continued, "I was another one of the hostages, if that's the word you want to use, with Spencer in the basement."

Gideon nodded again. He put together the pieces of the case he'd been filled in on and now the drug paraphernalia made sense to him. A part of him was relieved, not that he'd honestly believed Reid would willingly have anything to do with cocaine, but he hadn't thought he could be addicted to Dilaudid either, so the fear was always there. However Jessica's identity didn't explain much more. "So, do you want to explain to me what you're doing here, and why you were doing drugs in this apartment?"

Jessica looked to the floor, "I don't know what to tell you." She felt like she was about to be interrogated, which probably wasn't too far off the truth.

"Just start at the beginning, and don't leave anything out."

So she did. She started with wanting to visit Spencer at the hospital and continued right through to getting pizza and alcohol delivered. She continued to tell him every detail, or rather, every detail she could remember. Some parts were vague and fuzzy, but she tried. Now that she wasn't under the influence of anything she began to realise exactly what it was she'd done. She stopped the tale suddenly and said, "Oh shit! He… He's trying to quit isn't he?" Gideon nodded. "Oh man… He said that to me but I wasn't listening. Didn't want to listen. And I… I practically forced his drugs on him! Oh, god I'm sorry!" Her eyes were wide, almost frightened as she realised the gravity of her actions. "I knew he wanted it. I could see it. It never occurred to me why he wasn't jumping at the chance."

Gideon heaved a heavy sigh and nodded, "It's alright. I don't think he would blame you; so for that reason, and only that reason, I won't either."

Jessica remained silent, lost somewhere in her own thoughts now. Spencer and this other man may not lay blame on her, but if anything she had done caused Spencer to sink lower into this pit of hell she would never forgive herself. When she realised her name was being said she looked up.

"I'm going to trust you to clean this mess up," he was looking at the table, "and then call your boyfriend and have him come pick you up."

"He's probably back home by now." she said, a hint of sadness in her voice.

Gideon shook his head. "I doubt it. I have a feeling he's not too far away." He tried to give her an encouraging smile as he stood. "So can you clean this up?" Jessica nodded and while she started to clear up he made his way down the hall to Reid.

* * *

He thought about counting the seconds as he sat on Reid's bed. He could hear that Jessica had finished cleaning up, and was now most likely staring at her phone, trying to work up the courage to make the call she needed to. Calls for beer and pizza were easy; this one would be a lot harder. So Gideon sat and watched Reid in the dim light.

He was still fully clothed, laying on his stomach and hugging the pillow under his head. Gideon wanted to reach out and brush the hair from his face, but he didn't want to disturb him. Instead he just sighed and watched.

A handful of minutes later Reid sighed, opened his eyes and rolled into his back, looking up at Gideon. "Were you just going to sit there all night?" he asked. It was hard to pinpoint the emotion in his voice; part annoyance, part sadness, and just a hint of curiosity.

All Gideon heard was the annoyance. "I thought you were asleep."

Reid shook his head, "Been awake since you walked in. What do you want?" Straight to the point.

"I wanted to make sure you were okay, and to talk about what happened tonight." Gideon said, keeping his voice soothing.

Despite Gideon's efforts it didn't appear to be working on Reid, "What's there to tell? Jessica and Leo came over, they fought, and then Jessica and I decided to get high and did drugs all evening. At least that's what you already assume happened, so what difference does it make what I tell you? You won't believe me anyway."

Gideon sighed, "I might if you would tell me the truth. Remember the guidelines we set? No lies."

Reid either didn't hear, or didn't care. He answered Gideon with a sigh of his own, "What are you doing here, anyway?"

"What do you mean?" Gideon was frowning.

"Here, in my home. What are you doing here?" he gestured around with his hands, and spoke slowly, as if Gideon were lacking many brain cells. He didn't let Gideon respond. He pushed himself up so he was sitting and looking straight at Gideon. There was a fire in his eyes that hadn't been there a moment ago. "You think you can just walk right in here, into _my home_, like you own the place? You had no right!"

"I have a key. You gave me a key." Gideon responded.

"That doesn't mean you can just show up unannounced! Show some common courtesy at least! Call first. This isn't your house, you don't belong here!"

"I thought it was clear I'd be staying with you until we were through this." Gideon said, determined not to let Reid's anger affect his own tone.

"No, Gideon! Apparently that wasn't clear! I thought… I thought I was finally rid of you! That I would finally have some room to breathe without worrying about being judged!"

"I have never judged you, Spencer. I--"

"Don't call me that!" Reid snapped.

Those words were a hard blow to Gideon. His words were soft, almost sad, "Spencer?"

"Don't!" Reid snapped again. They searched each other's eyes for a moment, Gideon searching for any sign that Reid wasn't dead serious, and Reid searching for an apology. Neither of them found what they wanted. The knock on the doorframe, and Jessica clearing her throat was a welcome distraction.

"Sorry to interrupt." She stood nervously in the doorway waiting for someone to say something but it didn't happen. She looked to the floor and then took a breath. Walking into the room she could practically feel the tension in the air. "Don't mind me I'm just cleaning up the mess I made." she said, her words holding a double meaning. She held in her hands the tourniquet, unused syringes still packaged, and the phial baring Reid's name. She also held his cell phone from out in the hall. She starting putting them away where she assumed they would go. The cell she placed on top, near the base of the lamp, the other items were put in that top drawer next to the bed.

When Reid's eye's met the phial he involuntarily licked his lips. He managed to hold in the groan of need, but the previous action had clearly been seen by Gideon. The silence was uncomfortable; Jessica tried her best not to look at either of the two men, Reid was watching the things in her hands intently, and Gideon was studying Reid carefully. Reid watched with a certain air of hope right up until the drawer slid shut. He couldn't hide he slight hint of disappointment as the looked at the closed drawer.

Jessica started to leave the room and then paused halfway to the door. "Spencer?" she said, turning her head to look at him. His eyes were still focused on the drawer and it took saying his name a second time for his head to snap towards her. "If you're going to be mad at anyone it should be with me. I screwed this up royally. I didn't know what you were going through. I should have listened to what you were trying to tell me."

With a quick sideways glance at Gideon, Reid shook his head. "No, you didn't screw it up. You were right. I should let myself relax once in a while. You…" another glance at Gideon, choosing his words purposefully, "You know me better than anyone. At least recently. You know what this… this yearning is like. You understand me. And you knew what I had to do to make myself feel better. Thank you."

Jessica shook her head, "You don't mean that."

"Don't tell me what I do or do not mean!" he was yelling again, "You don't know anything!" The contradiction of what he'd just said, to what he'd said a moment ago, was completely lost on him.

Jessica sighed, looking at Gideon with an apology. "Exactly my point."

Reid glared, making no attempt to rein in his anger. "Get out! Both of you! Just get out of my house!" His voice was firm, not quite yelling, but definitely seething with rage. Even he wasn't quite sure why he was so upset. The logical part of his brain seemed to have shut down and he was left with only base emotions; anger, sadness, fear, and joy. Right now it was anger that was strongest.

Jessica was saved from having to obey such a direct order due to the buzzer for the door being pushed. She started to step backwards from the room, "I'll get that. It's probably Leo."

"Invite him up." Gideon said and Reid nearly screamed with annoyance.

"No! You're not inviting him up! I don't want more people in my space! Just go meet him downstairs, and you can go with her!" he said the last part to Gideon.

Gideon shook his head and gave Jessica a look, telling her to not listen to Reid. She nodded and left the room to buzz Leo up. If Gideon had thought Reid capable of killing in a non-self-defence manner the expression he wore now would surely be the same as when he killed. The look was so hateful, and not becoming of Reid, Gideon couldn't believe it really was his protégé behind the loathing. He tried not to take anything personally; after all it wasn't really Reid talking, but a part of it still stung, deep down in his soul.

Reid flopped back on the bed, not willing to even acknowledge Gideon anymore. He just wanted to be left alone. Why couldn't they see that and just leave him be? They stayed in silence until Reid heard his main door being opened. A groan of annoyance was his reply, and Gideon sighed casting him a sad look before standing up and walking to the door. Reid sighed and turned his head, letting his gaze move around the room until it rested on the handle of the drawer next to the bed.

Gideon stepped into the hall and looked at the tall dark-haired man at the door. "You must be Leo." he said offering his hand to shake.

Leo nodded, shaking his hand just for a moment before putting his arm around Jessica. His gaze traveled towards her and she was looking up at him with sad apologetic eyes. He took him her appearance and sighed, "You used it didn't you?"

She nodded.

Leo sighed again, "I should have stayed, I'm sorry."

She shook her head, "Had you stayed you'd have been just as bad as I was."

"No because you wouldn't have done it had I stayed."

Gideon watched the exchange slightly amused. They cared for each other despite their problems, that much was clearly obvious.

"It doesn't matter." Jessica said. "What's done, is done. We can't change it. Let's just go." She turned to Gideon, "Thank you."

"Your welcome." he replied, though he wasn't sure for what. "Do you want to say goodbye to him before you go?"

Jessica sighed and then nodded, "Yeah, sure." She stepped past Gideon and into Reid's room. Reid was still looking at the drawer, but now he had one arm stretched out with his fingertips resting on the drawer handle. He wasn't making any attempt to open it, just… touch it. "Spencer." Jessica said, her voice taking on a motherly scolding tone that seemed very unlikely from a woman of her young age.

Reid retracted his arm and looked at her. Behind her the shapes of Leo and Gideon stood in the doorway. "You haven't left yet." he said. It wasn't a question, because he could hear them out in the hall the whole time.

"No. I just wanted to tell you again that I'm sorry. I hope you find the strength to do what you need to do." she said, voice soft.

"I already have. I know exactly what I need to do. And the first thing I need is for you to leave."

Jessica sighed and nodded in defeat. "Maybe I'll see you again. Bye Spencer." She stepped back out to Leo and Gideon.

As they crowded by the door Leo looked at Gideon, "He… Get him some help. I don't like what I just heard."

Gideon nodded, "I'm doing all I can."

"You should have heard him earlier." Jessica mumbled. Just as she was about to leave she paused and turned to Gideon, "You never told me your name."

Gideon gave her a weak smile, "Jason Gideon."

That brought a larger smile to Jessica's face as she noted they had the same initials. "Thank you, Jason. And I certainly hope that in time he'll thank you too." Without any more words exchanged Jessica and Leo left and Gideon was once again left to face Reid.

He walked back into Reid's room, "They've left." he said moving to sit on the bed.

"I see you haven't." Reid replied.

"There are a couple things we should talk about first." Gideon said. When Reid didn't reply he continued, "You shouldn't have had her over here."

"I didn't invite her."

"Still shouldn't have let her in. You're both civilian witnesses, and victims, of a crime. You shouldn't have contact with each other. Especially if this goes to trial, you could be accused of corroborating your stories."

"But we weren't." Reid said simply.

"I know that, but if you were asked on the stand what the purpose of this visit was, what would you say?"

"To talk. Make sure the other was alright."

"Mmmhmm, and then Leo left for several hours, and beer and pizza was ordered. What did you do then?"

"Err, umm…" a sigh.

"You see my point." Gideon said.

"So what? Maybe I'll just tell them the truth."

"You tell them the truth, you risk everything. Your testimony and how it pertains to the case, your job. No. You need to be clean when and if that trial ever happens."

"Wouldn't it be common knowledge that everyone in that basement was an abuser of something? Spouse or drugs."

"Perhaps, but maybe you were just an added conquest, totally unrelated to the other reasons. You need to think of these things. And you need to stop using."

"What's your problem? It's for my shoulder, Gideon!" The anger was starting to build again.

"Is it? Or is that just what you're using as an excuse?"

"I was shot! I don't think it's an excuse!"

"Of course you don't. That doesn't mean it isn't. So we're going to do this exactly like we talked about. As soon as your shoulder is healed, you're done."

"If it's so damn important I quit why don't you just lock me up in rehab! They'd certainly do a better job than you have been!"

Gideon sighed, "Reid… Spencer--"

"What did I tell you about calling me that!?"

"You go to rehab, it goes on your record, Strauss finds out, and you loose your job. It's that simple."

"Fine. You win. It's our little secret. However, I'm still not allowing you to stay here tonight. I just want you to back off and leave me the hell alone! I need time, and space, and all you're doing is suffocating me! Go home, Gideon. Just go away." He rolled over and faced the wall.

It was about a minute before Gideon stood and Reid smiled to himself. He listened to Gideon's movements and frowned when he heard the side table drawer being opened. He sat up and looked at Gideon taking out the phials; his prescription one, and the one that had been used previously. "What are you doing?" he asked, his voice a little more panicky than he'd meant it.

"Taking these with me." Gideon replied simply, as if Reid couldn't already see that.

"Why? You can't do that!"

"I can, and I am."

"That's stealing!" Reid was desperate to make sure Gideon didn't leave.

"I'm sure the police will be more than sympathetic towards my case."

"You can't! I haven't taken my dose tonight!"

Gideon shook his head, "And what do you call what you took earlier?"

"That wasn't… It doesn't… It was only a half dose!"

"Then a half dose is all you're getting. I'll be back in the morning." He turned away from Reid and only managed one stepped before he felt a hand latch onto his shirt sleeve.

"No! Please! You can't! Don't… Don't take those away from me." Reid's eyes were large as he started pleading with Gideon.

For the second time that night Gideon heart felt like it was about to break, but he knew he had to be strong. He had to have enough strength for the both of them. He shook his head and sighed.

"Gideon… I need to have them here. I need to know their safe." It was probably a lousy excuse, but at this point Reid would try anything.

"They will be. I promise you that." Gideon used his free hand to pry Reid's fingers from his clothing. "I'm sorry, Spencer."

There was no objection from Reid this time, just small strangled noises as he tried to hold in the pain and despair he was feeling while he watched Gideon leave. He just watched, knowing there was nothing he could do, until he heard his door close and Gideon's key lock it. He collapsed on the bed, pulling himself into a quivering, shaking ball. Refusing to let the tears fall, opting for anger as a better emotion. He couldn't fake anger though, when despair was so overpowering, and eventually gave into the tears. Crying until he had nothing left in him, and giving in to sleep.


	21. Needing

"_Of all the righteous acts, help rendered to those needing it, is the most righteous."  
_- Sri Sathya Sai Baba

* * *

Chapter 21: Needing

Gideon sat in the dark on his couch, two phials sitting in front of him on the table. He was beginning to realise there was no instruction manual when it came to something like this, and he could only hope that he had done the right thing. One thing he was sure of, or at least fairly confident of, was that Reid wouldn't be able to contact his dealer to procure anything more for tonight. Dilaudid wasn't easy to get your hands on, so even if he did make a call there shouldn't be any available. At least, this was Gideon's hope.

He recalled the events of the past several hours, going over every nuance. Reid had been embarrassed and apologetic when he'd first arrived. Then suddenly angry and hostile. Mood swings were a common side-effect that much was certain, but was that all it was? More importantly, what had set him off?

The third time he replayed the night in his head he finally decided that the only thing to blame was the drugs. Reid had taken it out on him because at that present time he was the antagonist, and Jessica the friendly side-kick. She'd given him what he desired, and because Gideon wouldn't he automatically became the bad guy. The drugs had warped Reid's perception, and all Gideon could hope for was that Reid would be more reasonable in the morning when he was no longer under the direct influence.

Gideon looked at the time and sighed. It was late, well past midnight, but he couldn't sleep yet. He needed to talk to someone, because he couldn't keep all this to himself. Quietly, as to not disturb the tiniest creature, he took out his phone and dialled Hotch. He knew he shouldn't be calling so late, but there was no way he could sleep if he didn't.

"Hotchner." the voice answered, relatively alert sounding but still a hint of grogginess.

"It's Jason." Gideon replied.

Immediately Hotch was sitting up in bed and putting on a housecoat so he could walk to a quieter part of the house to talk without disturbing his wife or child. He knew there was only one reason Gideon would be calling so late, and that reason was Reid. "What's happened?"

Gideon sighed in relief. At least Hotch was expecting bad news and he wouldn't have to warn him. He still, however, had to find the right words to explain what had happened. He took his time, trying to find the best line to use as a start-in.

Hotch finally either got annoyed or his nerves got the best of him and he pushed, "How bad is it?"

Gideon sighed once more, "It's pretty bad but it could be worse." Yes, it could always be worse and he had to remember that. He took a breath and continued, "He broke some of the rules I set out. I shouldn't have come into work and left him alone. He… He was paid a visit by a friend, one of the other hostages from your last case. It wasn't good, Aaron."

Hotch couldn't see any way that scenario could be, but he still wanted to know the details. "There's no place here for should or shouldn't haves. Just tell me what happened."

"The pull, the allure if you will, was too strong for him. He… _used_ while I was out." he hated the sound of the word. "He got high with a friend."

"But he's okay." It wasn't a question, more of a statement to reassure his own mind.

"He's alive; I suppose he's as okay as he can be." Gideon said.Hotch let out a breath, and Gideon was suddenly aware of what he'd made it sound like. "He was angry, Aaron. Very angry. I've never seen him like this. He kicked me out of his apartment, so I took his drugs and left."

"Good. That's good, Jason." Hotch replied.

"Is it, Aaron? Was it really the right thing?"

"It's what I would have done."

That seemed to be enough for Gideon for the time being, and there were quite a few minutes of silence before he spoke again. "I don't think I can do this, Aaron. I need to be strong enough for both of us, and I don't think that I am."

"You've gotten him this far. He trusts you, and listens to you when his head is clear. Talk to him again when he's cooled down." suggested Hotch.

Gideon nodded to himself, "I'm going over in the morning after I get up, but even he said it, Aaron. He said he'd be better off in rehab."

"I doubt he meant it. Besides, you know that's not an option, and he knows it too. Not of he wants to keep his job."

_So the question is,_ Gideon thought, _does he want to?_ "Yeah, I know. I'll call you again tomorrow."

"Please do." Hotch replied. They said their goodbyes, and hung up their phones.

Gideon stared now at the phials in front of him. Slowly he leaned forward and picked them before he stood and walked to his bedroom. On the dresser was a small rectangular polished box. He pulled out his keys, picked out the smallest one, and slid it into the small lock on the front of the box. Opening it he took out the gold wristwatch that lay inside, his good watch for special occasions, and replaced it with the small phials in his hand. Locking it up tight again he tucked the watch into his sock drawer. And then turned to the bed. He set his keys and phone on the side table, and then lay on top of the covers fully clothed. He didn't expect to get a good night's sleep, and he didn't want to waste any time in the morning. So he decided it would be best to just lay and think, until he finally drifted off into a fitful slumber.

* * *

Reid tossed and turned throughout the last half of his night until he finally couldn't take it any more and let himself wake up fully. It was wretched. The pain hit him so hard and so fast it brought tears to his eyes and he bit down on his tongue hard enough to draw blood. His breathing quickened, the tears stinging his eyes, his hands making fists against the sheets. It hurt!

He hadn't realised how much pain he was actually in. Constantly having painkillers in his system numbed him from feeling the majority of it, or not feeling it at all, but now… Now he knew how bad it really was. He needed more. He really needed it. And once again, the need was only for legitimate reasons. Or was it?

As he tried to block out the pain he couldn't help but wonder if he was feeling this heightened pain because his mind wanted an excuse, or if it was really real. He couldn't deny now that he wanted it for the other reasons too. As that thought wormed its way in his mind he realised he wanted it even more for the bad reasons than for the good. Thinking of those bad reasons more than doubled his need.

There was only one problem; he didn't have any. Gideon, stupid Gideon, had taken them from him! Reid wanted to cry out in both pain and frustration. He needed his drug so desperately and he didn't have any with him. Gideon had said he'd be over in the morning, but would he be? Or would he just let Reid lay there in agony? Reid looked at the time; 4:43am and much too early. Gideon wouldn't be over for at least two, probably three, more hours. What was he supposed to do until then?

He tried in vain to find a comfortable position to lie in, fighting back tears with every inch of movement. He needed to distract himself and so made a hopeless attempt to find patterns on the walls or the ceiling. Of course there were none; there wasn't even anything of interest hiding in the dark shadows around him. He looked at the clock again -- 4:46am -- and groaned in frustration. His mind wandered, taking stock of every item in his room to pass the time. He started with the things closest to him and that's when it hit him!

He _did_ have some! There was still one lone phial tucked in a gift wrapped box under the bed! He moved as quickly as he could without jostling his shoulder, it was still complete anguish to move but at least now there was hope! He dropped down to his knees next to the bed and reached underneath with his good arm. The tips of his fingers just reached the box, and inch by agonizing inch he pulled it closer until it was finally in front of him. He held his left arm against his body as he flipped the lid off with his right hand.

There it was, sitting pretty, cuddled up in a nest of white tissue paper. He moved slower now, almost cautiously reaching in to pick it up. He took it out, looking at it in his hand, as he raised himself to sit on the edge of the bed. He didn't make any further movement, save for a slight rocking to help block out the pain. He just held it in front of his face and looked at it. He had the urge to lick the phial and he wasn't sure why, so he refrained and just stared.

Many thoughts started to filter into his brain now, the most shocking of which was, '_What would Gideon say?'_ Gideon. Why was he thinking of Gideon now? This wasn't the time for such thoughts, part of him argued. And yet another part replied, au contraire this is the perfect time. And it was. Reid could think of no more perfect of a time than right now. After all, this was always the time in the past he was thought about. Why should it be any different today?

And so Reid sat, and rocked, and stared, and thought. And then did it all again. The pain was really building now, working towards a crescendo of maximum suffering. It took all he had to keep it at bay and, along with it, the need to use. He didn't want to, well yes, he did, but he couldn't. '_Gideon._' the word fluttered through his mind again and he scrunched his face up in distress. What was he supposed to do?

He knew what he should do, he'd known from the first instant he thought of Gideon, but he didn't know if that was an option. He looked at his phone and with a final deep breath he set the phial on his lap and hissed in pain as he reached for his phone. He hit Gideon's speed dial number and waited.

* * *

Gideon was only half asleep when his phone started to go off, but it still took him a couple rings to get to it. He glanced at the display and his heart skipped a beat; _Reid._ He answered quickly, "Spencer? What is it?"

"Gideon." Reid's voice came out choked.

"I'm here, talk to me." Gideon pushed.

"I… I need you. Please. Stop me."

"Stop you? What are you going to do?"

"You _know_ what." he said, still sounding strangled. "I don't want to do it, but I need… I _need_ to. It hurts, Gideon."

Gideon didn't know how, but he knew Reid had another phial, and all he could think of was how glad he was Reid had called. "You don't need to, Spencer. You know you're strong. Strong enough to fight this. Just put it down and walk away."

"I can't!" Reid snapped, perhaps a little more harshly than he'd meant. "I'm sorry Gideon. It's just… This hurts so much. And I know this will help, and I need it. Please… Don't let me do this for the wrong reasons."

"Spencer… Spencer, just stay put and I'll be over there as soon as I can." Gideon said, he was already getting up off the bed, and moving to the dresser to grab the small locked box. "I'm coming okay? Spencer?" There was no reply and Gideon could do nothing but close his phone and stuff the box in his overnight bag before heading out the door.

* * *

Gideon raced to Reid's apartment as fast as the speed limit would allow, and then some. He hurdled himself through the first set of doors, up the stairs faster than an elevator could have done it, and had Reid's door unlocked and open no more than 30 minutes after the initial call. He hoped he wasn't too late. He dropped his overnight bag and leaped to Reid's bedroom door.

The first thing he saw was Reid's cell on the floor, the second was the small phial, also on the floor. He looked to the bed and saw Reid looking back at him, a pain in his eyes so deep Gideon almost couldn't breathe at the sight. He forced himself to take a deep breath and then practically teleported himself to Reid's side. "Did you do it?" he asked, though he could see no evidence of such.

A small shake of the head, and a relieved sigh from Gideon.

"I'll be back in a second." Gideon said. Reid looked like he wanted to object, but couldn't say anything, so Gideon stood and went back to his bag, taking out the small lockbox. He returned to Reid and unlocked it, taking out the prescription labelled phial.

Reid shook his head and forced out, "No… don't."

Gideon looked up at him with a small smile, "I admire your determination, but I won't sit here and watch you in pain like this. Not when I know I can help." And it was helping. So long as it stayed monitored, it was still helping.

Reid furrowed his brow but didn't object this time. Gideon opened the drawer and took out the two items he'd need. He started reading the needle and when it was ready he sat up on the bed on Reid's right side. Reid looked at him, a deep sadness in his eyes. Gideon swallowed hard, reconsidering this for only a moment before deciding to continue.

"Do you need me to do it?" he asked. He'd done it before, it wasn't a big deal, he could do it again.

Reid looked down at his right arm, which Gideon was rolling the sleeve up on and then tying the tourniquet to. Then he looked at his left, clutched tightly to his body. He tried to move his fingers but all that happened was a jolt of pain that made him squish his eyes shut to fight back the tears. Finally he looked at Gideon and nodded once.

Gideon licked his lips and lowered the needle to Reid's skin, doing everything meticulously right. He took a deep breath and injected Reid with the drug. He removed the needle and disposed of it quickly before he took off the tourniquet as Reid sighed with relief. Reid lay down, which was always safer than sitting, and Gideon looked down on him. His eyes were open, but he seemed a million miles away now. Gideon licked his lips again and locked up the phials, all three this time, and then slowly left the room. The only thought on his mind as he walked to the living room was, '_I did the right thing._'


	22. Time

**A/N: Sorry for the delay. Should get back to normal now, but there was another project I was devoted to for a while.  
Anyway, it's time for many things, on of which is skipping ahead a bit in the story. This chapter covers about 4 weeks time, but hopefully it doesn't feel rushed. I hate skipping ahead, but we'd have some pretty boring chapters on our hands otherwise. So, hoping after this chapter we can get back into the drama. Cheers all!  
**

* * *

Chapter 22: Time

The next few days passed without too much of a struggle. Reid wanted very badly to resist taking the drugs even for his shoulder, but he knew that if the pain hit he'd wish he were dead. Gideon helped. He kept the drugs locked up and with him at all times, even when he went to work. He monitored the dosage, cutting it back to 1cc. Reid busied himself during the day rereading books and dusting and sleeping. To say he was dying to go back to work was an understatement.

Two weeks later and Reid had just picked up a new bunch of syringes, 60 this time, to make them last longer. He flopped down on his chair, and Gideon followed suit on the couch. "So how are you feeling?" Gideon asked.

Reid shrugged, "The same as always."

Gideon took that to mean something along the lines of, _'I feel like crap, but I know it'll get better eventually.'_ Gideon nodded, "Alright, I just wanted to ask."

There were a few moments of silence before Reid looked up at Gideon. "That prescription phial is almost done isn't it?"

"Yes," Gideon said, "Do you want me to call your doctor to get more before you run out?"

Reid looked away and then shook his head, "No, that's okay. Actually I… You still have the other ones right?"

Gideon nodded, "Yes." he didn't know why he'd kept them, but he didn't want to just toss them in the trash, but hadn't found a suitable way to dispose of them yet. Or maybe subconsciously he was keeping them in case of an emergency, whatever that might be.

"I think… I think it might be better if we use those." Reid said, not making eye contact.

"Spencer…" Gideon's voice was stern, and yet slightly concerned. "You know what the rules are."

"I know, but just hear me out!" Reid said and shifted his gaze back to his mentor. "The prescriptions ones are strong. Really strong. The other ones… Well… It'll be a lot easier to wean me off those when the time comes. I've given this a lot of thought. I really do think it would be better for me."

Gideon sighed, this certainly wasn't something he wanted to consider but Reid was probably right. "I'll think about it."

* * *

The following evening Reid and Gideon were both looking at the empty phial. "You have no choice now, Gideon."

Gideon shook his head, "I do I have a choice. I could not give you any."

"Gideon." Reid couldn't quite hide his shock and panic at the suggestion. "Please just use the other phials."

A sigh and a nod from Gideon.

* * *

The high wasn't nearly as strong, though that was the point wasn't it? The following weeks Reid couldn't help but yearn for the good stuff. His soul felt like it was tearing in two, but he kept it all inside. He made sure he kept up the front that everything was just fine. He knew he should tell Gideon how he was feeling, but how was he supposed to put it all into words and express something that was so deep it was impossible to know what it was like without having felt it yourself? Besides, everything was fine. He was going to be okay; it would just take a little time. No need to make Gideon worry over something that wasn't a big deal. He'd get better after his shoulder healed.

* * *

Finally, the day had come that he could remove the protection on his wounds. The gauze came off and Reid studied the place he was shot in the mirror. It was still pink and raw, and would probably scar, but in the long run it had healed over nicely. He could move his arm without pain or stiffness. He felt great; one more hurdle had been cleared.

Gideon came up behind him in the washroom and Reid turned to face him. "It's time now, Spencer. It's time."

Reid frowned, "No, not yet."

Gideon didn't pay any attention to the protest. "Tonight will be your last dose."

"Gideon, please! I can't just stop like that! You can't expect me to do that!"

"Yes, I can, and I do."

"Gideon… god, please no. If... if we do it your way it won't mean anything to me. We have to do it my way. I need to set my own goals, so that when I accomplish them it really means something to me. It'll matter, and I'll be more likely to stay with it, not have it be something forced upon me. I'm telling you right now that won't work."

Gideon sighed and rubbed his temples, "Fine, but only one week. That's all. In one week it'll be a total of six weeks since you were shot. You'll probably be required to return to work then, so that's all the time you have. Got it?"

"Got it." Reid replied.

* * *

Gideon had offered to take the week off work but Reid declined, he'd already missed enough work on his behalf, so the next day Reid was sitting alone in his apartment lost in thought. Well not lost, he knew where he was, he new exactly what was on his mind. One of the phials, any one would do, he didn't care. Gideon hadn't given him a dose that morning, and he wouldn't get one till Gideon stopped in after work.

He wanted a hit, however small; just to tide him over before his insides began to burst. He was so focused on what he was missing that when his phone rang it was actually a welcome distraction. Welcome that is, until he say the name on the display. _Speed Dial 7._ Reid's stomach clenched into an uncomfortable knot. _'Don't answer it. Just don't answer it. He'll go away.'_ Reid thought, but he knew that wouldn't be the case. He ignored the ringing the first time, but when it started again he reluctantly answered, and remained silent.

The voice on the other end sounded pleased, "Dr. Reid, how gracious of you to take my call."

"What do you want?" Reid snapped.

"Now, do I really deserve that tone of voice? I'm merely concerned as to the reasons why my favourite client hasn't contacted me recently?"

"Maybe because your _favourite_ client is getting clean?" Reid offered, using some of the spare sarcasm he'd picked up recently.

"You can't be serious? You? Quit? Dr. Reid, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you're as addicted as they come. You can't quit."

"I'm not addicted, and yes I can." Reid countered.

"You are addicted, don't try to deny it." Reid couldn't help but hear a threat behind those words, and added _'or else'_ in his head.

"Fine, maybe I am, but I've seen people far worse off than I am. I refuse to become that. I won't let you or your drugs degrade me. I will quit!"

"You don't need me or my drugs to degrade you. You're quite capable of that on your own." The smirk on the dealer's face was very audible.

"Shut up! Just shut up!" Reid yelled.

"Are you sure I can't persuade you? After all, I'd just started to give you the good stuff. I trusted you. You're willing to throw that all away? Didn't you enjoy the rush? The tingling during the high? The fire in your blood and body as you climaxed with that first hit?"

Reid closed his eyes and suppressed a groan. Yes, he remembered; he remembered all too well. God, what he wouldn't give to taste that again. Just once. The thought made his toes curl in anticipation.

When Reid didn't reply right away the dealer continued, "Who am I going to give these phials to now?"

Reid wanted to say, _'I'm sure you'll find someone.'_ but instead it came out, "You have some there? Right now?"

"Of course I do. You told me to keep some on hand. They're right here with you name on them, quite literally. Shall I make the arrangements for say… one hour from now?"

Oh yes, Reid definitely wanted it. He bit his lip and thought of the team, but mostly Gideon. They'd understand… no, they wouldn't. But they didn't have to know… but they'd find out. "No." he finally replied.

"No? Sooner then? Half an hour?"

"No! Not at all! I'm sorry. I can't… I just can't! Please," the word came out as a whisper, "Please, just leave me alone." With shaking hands Reid disconnected the call.

* * *

Reid was in the kitchen making a fresh pot of coffee when he heard the door opening. With a smile on his face he went to greet Gideon. "Gideon, you'll never guess what happ…" he stopped dead when he saw who was accompanying his mentor. "Hotch? Did I forget you were visiting today?"

Hotch shook his head, "No, sorry to come over uninvited, I just wanted to talk."

"Erm, sure, come on in. C-can I get you anything?" Reid asked, trying to remain calm.

"No, Reid, that's fine." Hotch answered, and Gideon shook his head as well. They made their way to the couch while Reid poured his coffee. They waited until he was seated across from them to speak. Gideon looked at Hotch, and Hotch looked at Gideon, neither of them quite wanting to say what they were about to. Reid's incessant and worried stare finally made Gideon break.

"You're allowed to decline, we want to make that clear."

Hotch continued, "We've been working hard on breaking through Alexander Connors' defenses but—"

"Who?" Reid interrupted.

Gideon answered, "Alexander Connors; your dealer Spencer."

"Oh…"

Hotch frowned, "You never knew his name?"

"No, that wasn't really something we discussed."

The frown stayed in place as Hotch continued. "His defenses are very strong." Reid nodded knowingly. "We need someone who—"

Gideon cut in, "You don't have to agree to this."

"—Someone who he trusts to get on the inside somehow."

"Me?" Reid asked. "He doesn't trust me, I'm just—I _was_ just a client."

Hotch nodded, "You've got the best chance out of anyone. We could send someone in undercover but it would take too much time to establish the relationship. He already knows you, he knows a lot about you. It won't seem so out of place."

Gideon nodded his agreement, and then said, "We understand though, if you don't want to, or you can't do it. If it's too soon we understand. I don't want you to do anything you're not ready for."

Reid nodded and thought about it for a moment, "You're right. I'm your best shot. I can do it. I will do it."

Hotch nodded a couple times, "It won't be officially on the books. Technically you'll still be on leave. This is just between the team and the local PD."

"Okay." Reid replied.

Gideon smiled a tight smile, a mix of fatherly pride and fear within it. "So long as you're sure you're up for it."

"I am."

Hotch gave a nod and then said, "Alright, let's not waste any time. We'll need you to set up a meeting with him."

"That'll take time." Reid said.

"You can call him can't you?" Hotch asked.

"Yes, but you can't ask him something like that directly. You have to make a purchase, and ask the drop boy. The drop boy will pass on the message, and at the next drop you'll find out the answer. That's just how it works."

"We can't legally allow you to make a purchase." Hotch said.

"If I were on the clock, no you couldn't. But I'll be independent, a free agent, so-to-speak. So yes, you can, and you're going to have to. It's the only way it'll work."

"And you're really alright with this?" Gideon asked again.

"Yes, I am. Why wouldn't I be? He ruined my life didn't he?" Reid said, silently adding, _'and made it worth living at the same time.'_

Gideon nodded and Hotch said, "So, call now. Set up a drop."

"N-now?" Reid asked. "I-I-I don't know if…"

"Now, Reid. I don't know how long we have."

"O-ok. Ok." He took his phone off his belt and held down the '7' until it started dialling.

"Put it on speaker, Reid." Hotch said.

Reid did as he was told and waited for the ringing to stop. When he was met with silence he choked on his words. Both Hotch and Gideon looked at him silently willing him to find his voice box. Finally he stammered, "D-d-dilaudid." He closed his eyes, feeling slightly sick.

Alexander Connors' deep chuckled echoed in the room, "I knew you'd call me back. It was only a matter of time. In fact you called sooner than I expected. You really are an addict."

Reid kept his eyes closed and turned his back on Gideon and Hotch. He didn't open his eyes until he was looking away, though he kept his head down. He didn't want to see the expressions on their faces. "When can I pick them up?"

"Business oriented, I like that. Alright, how's forty minutes sound?"

"Perfect."

"Take care, Dr. Reid." The call was disconnected.

Reid didn't move, other than closing his phone. He stood still, keeping his head down, his hair acting like a shield. He wasn't sure how much time had passed before he felt a hand on his shoulder. He raised his head and turned it to his left, looking sideways at Gideon. "I'm okay." he said though his voice was soft and shaky.

"You talked to him earlier?" Gideon asked.

Reid nodded, "I tried to tell you when you came in. He called earlier, wanting to know why I hadn't contacted him, offered me stuff, and I thought of you and the team I said no."

Gideon smiled tightly, but proudly, "That's good, Spencer. That's real good. Why did you agree to do this? You didn't have to do this."

"I know that, Gideon, but I know I can do this. You need me to do this. I said no to him once, I won't go back on that. And you'll be with me, supporting me, right? I'll be fine."

Gideon searched Reid's eyes for any sign of, well, anything. All he found was a determination and commitment to what he needed to do. Gideon breathed in deeply and pulled Reid into an embrace, "I'm proud of you, Spencer. Just remember that."

When he pulled back Reid nodded, "I will." After a short pause he added, "I need to get ready now."


	23. Deception

Chapter 23: Deception

In truth Reid didn't need any time to get ready, he just wanted to sit in his room for a few moments, alone, and think of what he was going to do. He knew the general procedures; he'd do the drop like normal, Hotch and Gideon would be watching from near by, then… well after that he wasn't so sure. He'd go to wherever Gideon and Hotch were and then they'd take the drugs from him. They had to take it from him, or he wouldn't be able to control himself. So long as he stayed focused he'd be okay.

He checked his watch and then the clock on the side table. Time to go. He left his room and looked at Gideon and Hotch down the hall, "I'm ready."

They both looked at him and knew he hadn't done anything but sit in silence. Neither of the older men said a word though as they left the apartment and down to the waiting vehicles.

It was an inconspicuous grey vehicle and the drive down the street was quiet until Reid in the back seat tapped Hotch on the shoulder. "Drop me off here. Drive up and park where you can see inside the alley on the left."

Gideon looked at Reid, knowing that was where they'd come across the murder scene of Reid's shooter. He stayed silent while Hotch asked, "Why?"

"Firstly, I never drive up, so that'll be out of place, I need to walk in. Secondly, drop boy will already be there, he'll see you. Drop me off now." Reid waited until the car pulled over before saying, "Thank you." and exiting the vehicle. He waited for them to pull away and get positioned before he started walking.

It wasn't a long walk, but it felt like a century. It wasn't hot, but he could feel the sweat on his brow. Relaxing and acting 'normal' was going to be the key to this. By the time he reached the mouth of the alley he could only hope he'd forced his heart rate down enough that it wouldn't be heard by the other occupant. Reid made eye contact with the man inside the alley who nodded once and allowed Reid to approach.

Reid forced himself to not look over his shoulder at the car across the street when he asked, "Same price as usual?"

"Yes," the rather burly looking drop boy said. He wasn't a slim weak looking man like the others usually were. It was a silent reminder to Reid that his dealer had more men behind the scenes that were capable of many things, and he needed to watch who he crossed.

The drop boy nodded and the money and drugs exchanged hands. The deal was done and the man turned to walk away when Reid called out, "Wait! I-I'd like to arrange a meeting with your boss if I might?"

"I'll pass on the message." he said, and was once again walking to the other end of the alley.

Reid waited until he had gone before looking down at the phials in his hand. He could feel the cool liquid inside, and was sure he'd never be able to touch anything cool again without having this memory of the phials. He stomach clenched at the thought of finally getting more. It had been too long, far too long. Though the clenching, he mused, could also be early symptoms of withdrawals. Whatever the case he was craving this badly. He licked his lips at he looked at the phials, wanting to get home and use one of these right away. There was something he was supposed to be doing though, but what was it?

* * *

Hotch and Gideon sat in tense silence watching the exchange. The tension grew as they watched the man doing the drop walk away while Reid just stood there with his back to them. "What's he doing?" Hotch mumbled, more for his benefit than Gideon's. "I can't see his hands."

"Just give him a minute." Gideon replied.

"We should go get him. I don't like this."

"He'll be okay. Show him we trust him, and let him come to us."

"Jason, I hate to say this but right now I don't know if we can trust him. His mind's not right, his spirit is on edge, and his body isn't exactly in top condition. He wasn't my first choice for this mission."

"But he is the best choice." Gideon said.

With that, things fell silent again as they continued to watch Reid's every breath.

* * *

One breath in. One breath out. One breath in. One breath out. One breath in… hello? Breath out? Where'd you go? This cycle doesn't go anywhere if you don't do your part. One breath out, and on again and again.

Reid just stared at the phials, licking his lips as they dried in the breeze. This was going to feel so good when he got home. He just had to wait that long. He didn't have any supplies on him or he would have done it right here amongst the filth in this alley. Maybe behind that dumpster or that large towering pile of empty pizza boxes. He shook his head, slightly ashamed that he'd be that desperate. No, he had no choice but to wait.

He turned on his heel then stopped dead spotting the car diagonal across the street to the alley's opening. Hotch and Gideon sat there watching him. Shit, they'd seen this all. His first thought was to run, but then it all came flooding back. They were supposed to be there. They were the reason he was here. He looked at the phials in his hand, then up into their expectant eyes. He repeated this once more before crossing his arms, hugging himself and hiding the phials from view, while he walked briskly across the street.

Reaching the car he flung the back door open and dove inside, slamming the door closed behind him while reaching up between the front seat and presenting the phials in his hand. "Take them, Gideon! Take them, take them, take them! Please!" he urged. Reid's eyes were wide and full of fear, and Gideon quickly took the phials from Reid and placed them into an evidence bag to be given to the local PD to dispose of.

Reid breathed in deep and let it out slowly a he closed his eyes and curled up on his side on the back seat, his arms around himself and his knees up to his chest. "Gideon…" he whispered, "I really _need_ to go home now." he stressed the word. He could feel the shakes setting in and it took every ounce of concentration to not show it. It was all making sense now though; the sweating, the heart beat, the breathing, the stomach clenching, and now the shakes.

Gideon looked at Hotch, "Aaron, drive." The whole ride home Gideon kept his eyes on Reid, either in the rear-view mirror or looking over his shoulder. There was no way he was taking his attention away from Reid.

Once parked outside the main doors to Reid's apartment Gideon got out and went around to Reid's side. "Come on, Spencer, stand up and lets get you inside."

Reid just curled himself into a smaller ball. It wasn't until Gideon reached for his arm and forced him to move that he made himself stand. "I don't want to move, Gideon. Can't I just lay down here?" he looked down at the parking lot pavement as he spoke.

Gideon shook his head, "No, we'll get you to your bed. You can lay down there."

"It… it hurts though." Reid whined.

"I know, Spencer, I know." Gideon said. Hotch was opening his door when Gideon held up a hand to stop him. "That's alright, Aaron. We'll be fine. You can deal with that?" he pointed to the evidence bag on the passenger seat. Hotch frowned but nodded. "Thank you. Spencer, come on, you can do this."

Hotch watched as Reid was slowly led inside and out of sight. He had a pretty good idea of what was going to happen when Reid got inside his home. He shook his head sadly. This wasn't right. Nothing about this whole evening had been right, but the ball had been set in motion so there was no stopping it now. He looked up at the high windows on the building, a permanent frown etched onto his face. Reid was probably more addicted than Hotch had realised and it seemed like Gideon was hindering Reid's recovery. Something would have to be done about this. Sooner rather than later.

* * *

Gideon guided Reid though the apartment door and into the bedroom, sitting him down on the bed. "Why didn't you tell me the withdrawals were setting in sooner?"

"I didn't realise it." Reid murmured. "I knew I wanted more, but I didn't want to just say that. I…" he took a deep breath, "I didn't want it to seem like I was desperate. Plus Hotch was here."

"I'm sorry Spencer. I completely forgot. We shouldn't have sent you in their without you being ready though."

"It's okay. I'm okay. I mean, I did good right?" Reid asked.

"You did great." Gideon said as he stepped out into the hall to grab the small lockbox with the phials in it. He returned and opened it while Reid lay down, finally not having the strength to fight through this.

As Gideon was about to ready the needle he hear Reid's soft voice, "Just half."

"Pardon me?"

"Just give me half. Enough to push these symptoms aside. If I'm… If I'm lucky I'll make it through on that till morning."

Gideon nodded and withdrew only half a cc. With careful movements and a steady hand Gideon gave Reid what he was so desperately desiring, and what his body so desperately needed.

Reid closed his eyes and let his mind shut down as he passed out. He couldn't enjoy the high with this batch, but at least there was the comforting thought that he had a little something running through his veins. He entered into a place of nothingness. Just an empty spot in the universe. It wasn't black, it wasn't dark, it just simply wasn't. No thoughts, no feelings, just something that was there, and at the same time didn't exist. And it was wonderful, so perhaps there were feelings? Certainly wasn't as wonderful as what he'd feel with the other batch but it was a different sort of wonderful. A calm relaxing sort that was extremely welcome at the moment.

And so Reid fell away from the world as he knew it, and existed in this wonderland of nothing until he awoke about 10 minutes later to the sound of hushed voices in his living room.


	24. Two Weeks Notice

Chapter 24: Two Weeks Notice

Hotch sat in the car for several minutes, debating what he was going to do. He needed to get this evidence bag to the precinct but he also needed to have a word with Gideon. Reid was definitely more important than anything else, so he reached across the seat to take the evidence bag. His hand paused hovering above the bag as he looked at the contents. His heart skipped a beat and then sank. This conversation definitely couldn't last. With a sigh he picked up the bag and tucked it into his inside suit pocket.

Opening the car door he took a deep breath and got out. He closed the door lightly and began the long walk to the building. The whole way he thought about what he would say; rehearsed every word and possible response so that he'd be ready. The elevator was too hot, and the ride too short. He needed more time, so he paced himself as e walked down the hall and finally knocked on the door.

* * *

Reid listened carefully as he tiptoed down the hall, keeping out of sight.

"You gave him some didn't you?" Reid recognised Hotch's voice.

"Well, yes but he needed it." Gideon now.

"So you're just going to give him some every time he needs it?"

"No, Aaron. We've already cut back significantly on the dose. He's doing well."

"So 3 days from now, 2 weeks from now, a month, a year, when he comes to you craving some for old time's sake what are you going to do then?"

"I'll do whatever is best for him, but that won't happen. He won't do that."

"Jason, I don't think you really understand how serious this is."

"How can I not understand? I'm the one that's been here, by his side the whole time. I know better than anyone else. You know he's like a son to me. Trust me, I understand."

"But you don't, Jason. You only think you do. I can't permit you to continue enabling him like this."

"Enabling? How am I enabling him?"

Reid sighed and stepped into view in the entry way of the living room. "You can stop talking about me now. I can hear you."

Hotch looked over Gideon's shoulder and Gideon turned around. They both stared at Reid for a moment before Gideon asked the obvious, "How long have you been standing there?"

Reid resisted the urge to say 'long enough' and just shrugged, "Does it matter?" He looked up at Hotch, "Regardless of what you might think, and I don't mean any disrespect, but Gideon has been helping greatly. I wouldn't be where I am now if it weren't for Gideon's help. I don't even want to think of where I'd be, how bad off I'd be, if Gideon hadn't been here."

Hotch glanced between Reid and Gideon and then sighed. "Jason, I think you should see this." he said reaching into his suit jacket to take out the evidence bag.

When Reid saw the phials he knew what Hotch was referring to. He closed his eyes and let it happen; there was no stopping it now.

Gideon looked at the phials, "What about them?"

"Look closer." Hotch said as he held out the bag.

Gideon took it and studied the label. When he saw what Hotch was referring to his face fell and he turned back to Reid whose eyes were still closed. "What is this, Spencer?"

Reid didn't have to hear Gideon's words or see his face to know he knew. The air in the room shifted and that was when Reid was aware Gideon knew. Gideon's words came later, and all Reid could do was nod and say, "I'm sorry." He didn't want to open his eyes and see the disappointment in Gideon's face but he forced himself to in order to convey the sincerity in his voice. "I'm so sorry Gideon. My doctor never gave me the prescription and I didn't know what else to do. I was so scared and confused."

Gideon's expression was hard to read, but shock was definitely on the forefront. "You lied to me."

"I know. I know I did, and I'm sorry. At the time I was still so… lost, and so desperate. I was scared to death of not having those drugs to get me through each day. But now, now I know it's not so bad. I can do it if I have the support I've always had, just didn't acknowledge. Gideon I know you must be upset and disappointed and I don't know how to make it up to you except to say that's not me anymore. We have a plan, we're sticking to it, and in five days this will be all behind us."

Gideon shook his head, "How could you betray my trust, _our_ trust, like this?"

"I know, it wasn't right, and I'm sorry. I should have told you, I know that now. I can't change what I did; I can only say I'm sorry until my mouth runs dry. Please, I'm sorry, just… can we move on?"

Gideon looked dumbfounded, "How am I supposed to forget about this?" he said holding up the bag.

"I didn't say forget about it, I just asked if we could move passed it. It's not relevant to how I am, where I am, right now. It's over; it's done, now please. Please…" Reid hadn't noticed the tears building up, but he noticed them now that they were dripping off his chin.

Gideon shook his head, "I won't ever understand your reasons for this, Spencer."

"I know that, I'm sorry. I'm not asking you to understand; even I don't understand it really. It was just one of those stupid things addictions make you do." Reid couldn't consciously recall ever admitting he was an addict, but now that he'd said it, he felt liberated. "But I'm not the same person I was a month ago. If you understand anything, I hope it's that you know I've changed. I'm better. I'm almost clean. Just a few more days and everything will be fine."

"You thought about using after the drop today didn't you?" It was Hotch this time, finally breaking his silence.

"Yes, but I was craving it already. It won't be a problem once I get passed this stage. Just please, don't loose faith in me now. I really can't afford for either of you to loose faith in me. I don't want to think about what would happen if I lost either of you."

Gideon forced a small smile, "You won't loose us, Spencer."

Reid returned the smile and then looked at Hotch, who seemed to reluctantly nod. "We've already set you up for this mission so we have to go through with that."

Reid wasn't quite sure what Hotch meant, but he hoped it was Hotch's unconventional way of saying he still had faith. "I know that. I'm alright. I'll be fine. I promise."

Hotch nodded again, "I need to get these to the precinct now." He took the bag from Gideon's hand as he spoke. "I'll call tomorrow." He gave a single nod to Gideon and then Reid as a way of goodbye before excusing himself, and showing himself out.

Gideon and Reid sighed in unison. "I really am sorry."

"I know. Just please, never keep something like this from me again." He stepped forward to give Reid an encouraging hug.

Reid returned the hug, "There won't ever _be_ something like this again."

* * *

When Aaron Hotchner walked into the BAU offices the following morning he wasn't met with good news. Strauss was looming in front of his office door. He took a breath and walked up to her, "What can I do for you?" he asked, opening the door to his office and letting her inside.

"We need to talk about Agent Reid."

"What about Dr. Reid?" Hotch said, making the distinction between the names,

"Why hasn't he returned to the job yet?"

"It's only been a couple days over five weeks. He's entitled till the end of his sixth week. Possibly longer depending what his doctor says."

"I thought the rumour was his injuries have healed?"

"They have, but I don't feel it would be a good idea to stress the wounds, just in case." Hotch said.

"He'll be on desk duty for a few weeks anyway. I don't see why he can't start back immediately, pending a psych evaluation of course."

"I was just there yesterday, he's not ready."

"You can tell that without a psych eval?"

"I'm a profiler. I can tell that better than a psych eval."

Strauss looked less than pleased at being spoken to in such a way. "What's the real reason, Aaron?"

"What do you mean?" Hotch asked, keeping a straight face while he wracked his brain for an answer.

"What is the real reason you removed your agent from the field on a paid suspension, and not medical leave?"

"He's…" Hotch sighed, "He's working undercover."

"Who authorized that?"

"I did. He's helping us with out current case, working as a civilian informant. I can't bring him back on the team until this is over." Hotch said.

"You have two weeks, at which time the Chester Reynolds case goes to trial. That's it. After that I'm afraid you'll have to pull out of this operation you're running and do things by the book. Two weeks, Aaron." She turned on her heel and left his office.

"That's not long enough!" Hotch called after her, but his protest fell on deaf ears. He sighed deeply and ran his fingers through his hair. This was really going to put a hitch in the plan.

* * *

Gideon walked into Hotch's office rather reluctantly. He was still a little put off by Hotch's opinion of how he was helping Reid. "What is it, Aaron?"

Hotch retold what he'd just been informed of as Gideon slowly nodded, letting it sink in.

"I should call Spencer and tell him."

Hotch nodded, "Do it here."

Gideon made the call, and once more the information was relayed.

"That's not possible." Reid said. "There's no way we can complete this in that timeframe."

"We're going to have to."

"I won't find out if he's even agreed to the meeting until the next drop, which I don't feel safe doing for at least two weeks, or he may know something is up."

Hotch sighed, talking towards the phone which was on speaker, "We have to jumpstart this and speed up the process. We're not being given a choice."

"I don't know if that'll be possible, Hotch."

"When's the soonest you can call for another drop?"

Reid frowned and thought for a moment, "Maybe a week, but he'll be suspicious unless I can convince him otherwise."

"Then that's what you'll have to do, Reid."

With sighs all around and the pressure of this weighing heavily on their souls they said their goodbyes. Each of them deep in thought as they went about their day. All trying to come up with possible outcomes and never coming up with anything good.


	25. Meeting With The Enemy

**A/N: Uber long chapter for you all today!!  
And you know uber long chapters generally mean something really exciting!  
Enjoy!**

(For my Tinny!)  


* * *

Chapter 25: Meeting With The Enemy

Day by day the dose time was pushed back until Reid could last over 24 hours without a craving. In truth that was only slightly better than when he'd started this mess. He'd been on a 24 hour dose schedule back then, now it was about 32 hours. The ultimate test would come today. The next drop had to be today, they couldn't put it off any longer, and Reid knew how he reacted to the phials in his hand would determine how far he'd come.

"Are you ready?" Gideon asked him, breaking through the haze of thoughts.

"Yes." Reid replied, remembering what they'd rehearsed, before hitting the speed dial on his phone and then putting it on speaker. He waited for the ringing to stop and then said, "Dilaudid." His voice wasn't overly confident, nor was it nervous.

"Why the early phone call? You should have another week on you." Alexander Connors replied.

Right, immediate suspicion, just like Reid expected. "I-I know I should, but I don't. Please, I need some more, now." Reid never realised how hard it was to act, and suddenly greatly respected anyone in the field. Lying was one thing, faking emotions was another.

"And what if I don't haven any, Doc?"

"No! You have to have some! I don't know what I'll do if you don't."

A chuckle, "Well you're in luck, I just got your next batch in today. You can pick it up in an hour."

Reid decided to push, ignoring his colleagues concerned looks, "That's too late. I need it now. I won't make it another hour."

"I would love to jump at your every whim, but I wasn't expecting your call. You'll have to wait until I have someone available in the area. One hour Dr. Reid, and no sooner."

"But what am I supposed to do until then!?" Reid asked, sounding desperate, but the line had already been disconnected. He sighed and closed his phone before looking up at Gideon and Hotch. "Do you think I was convincing enough?"

They both nodded slowly, still wearing slightly shocked expressions. The silence grew until they both decided to break it at the same time. "You were very convincing." Gideon said.

Hotch opted for, "Why did you push him like that?"

Reid gave Gideon a smile before turning his attention to Hotch, "I took a chance. He needed to really see how desperate I was. If I'd been so forceful and suddenly accepting that would probably be more suspicious than being pushy the whole time. I needed to stay consistent. It worked."

"I wouldn't have approved that." Hotch said.

Reid nodded, "I know, that's why I didn't ask. It was spur of the moment really. I trusted my instincts."

Hotch frowned, "Why didn't you ask him about the meeting?"

"Had I done that I definitely would have been crossing a line. If he wasn't suspicious already he would have been after that. I'll find out at the drop if he agrees, and I'll be given a time and date. He's smart, and a request like this isn't something he's likely to forget so we'll know in an hour."

Hotch sighed but didn't say any more so Reid made himself a cup of coffee and tried to relax in the tense air. He thought deeply of the timeline they had. With any luck the meeting would be in a few days, but it could take up to another week which would be pushing it too close to when the trial would start. Though he hadn't gotten an official statement he was pretty sure he'd be required to testify. Strauss had said this was all the time they had, so whether Reid liked it or not he had to make sure this worked out.

Reid, Hotch, and Gideon were standing by the door and Reid was double-checking he had his wallet when an idea struck him. He wasn't sure what compelled him, what urged him, but he silently held up a hand to say he'd be right back and walked down the hall and into his small office area. He grabbed a pen and ripped off a chunk of paper from a stray piece near his keyboard. He wrote down three words, and then folded it and tucked it in his coat pocket next to his wallet. He took a deep breath and walked back towards Gideon and Hotch. "Alright, let's go."

* * *

Reid stepped into the alley, noting that there were a few dealers or drop boys mulling about this time. Only one made eye contact with him, accompanied by a nod. This was the one Reid approached. He was deeper into the alley than usual, but that was good. It would hopefully provide enough cover for what he might have to do. He fidgeted with the sleeves of his coat for effect, "You got it?"

"I got it. Let's see the cash."

Reid pulled out his wallet and took out the money within it, "N-now show me you have it."

The drop boy obliged and took two phials from his pocket. Reid nodded and passed the cash while he took the drugs. The drop boy smiled almost viciously, "Pleasure doing business with you, and the boss says he won't meet with you."

"Did he say why?" Reid asked, trying not to look panicked while putting the phials in his pocket and taking out the slip of paper. There was enough cover from the dumpster he didn't have to worry about the small piece being seen by Gideon or Hotch.

"No, but why is not important."

"Give him this." Reid thrust the paper forward. "It really is important I meet with him. You can read it if you want, but make sure he gets this."

The drop boy looked less than pleased but he took the paper before walking away. Reid sighed and turned the other way, making his way towards Hotch and Gideon in the car. No one else in the alley paid him any mind so he wasn't worried about any of them passing on word of his apparent alliance with official looking strangers.

When he got situated in the back he pulled out the phials and handed them to Gideon to put in an evidence bag. Gideon looked at Reid, "What did he say?"

"I don't know." Reid replied.

"How can you not know?" Hotch asked.

"He said no, but he could change his mind. We'll have to wait and see."

"How long do we have to wait?"

"Hopefully only a few hours. For now, you need to drop those off." he pointed to the phials in the evidence bag.

Hotch nodded and started the car, heading for the local precinct. Reid settled down in the back, suddenly really tired. He was proud he'd hardly blinked at the phials, but now that it was silent his mind wandered to them. He tried to think of when it was he'd last had any. Early the day before, so today would probably be his first day without any at all. Yes, he'd lasted more than 24 hours, but over the course of two days; shortly after midnight one day, and around 7am the next. _My first day clean_, the thought made him smile. He'd done so well, the road was almost over and he could start fresh. This was what he'd been working towards with Gideon. This was what it was all about.

* * *

Later that evening Gideon, Reid, and Hotch were gathered casually over cups of coffee and good conversation. Silences had a tendency to be awkward since Reid had no TV to use as a distraction. Luckily the only silence came when Reid's phone unexpectedly rang. Reid looked at the display, "It's him! Yes, it worked!"

Hotch and Gideon fell silent while Reid put the phone on speaker and waited. "Good, I was hoping you were available. What makes you think I'm being watched?"

Reid smiled, "Funny how those three words, 'you're being watched', cause such a reaction from you. You obviously believe there's some truth to it or you would have just ignored it."

"I know you have intelligence nearly as high as my own but do not use your job skills against me. Why do you believe this?" Alexander asked again.

"Because, Mr. Connors, you know who I am, you know where I work, you know my friends. Those should be three valid reasons right there."

The anger was not lost in Alexander's voice, "What right do you have to call me that? How do I know you're not working with them?"

"You don't." Reid replied. "You'll have to trust me. But you'll need to meet with me, I don't trust using the phones, and I don't think there's time to waste relaying messages with your drop boys."

There was silence which Reid wasn't sure was encouraging but finally there came a reply. "Tomorrow, 1pm, a car will be waiting in front of the doors to your complex. You will get inside and further instructions will be given by one of my men. You will be driven here, we will meet, and you will be driven back. Understood."

Reid glanced at Hotch who nodded. "You won't regret it." Reid said, and the call was disconnected.

Once again Reid was met with shocked faces. "You told him he was being watched?" Hotch asked.

"It was the only way, and it worked. Had he agreed initially I wouldn't have told him, but I knew this was our only chance to set it up, so I gave him something to worry about."

"But now our cover is compromised."

"Not really, he already suspected, or he wouldn't have taken that as seriously as he did. He needs to find out what I know. I should be able to feed him a few lies, while still finding out what you need to know. And then you should be able to bust him before he gets a chance to move out."

"Reid, if this doesn't work I will hold you accountable for it." Hotch said.

Reid nodded, "I understand, but trust me, this'll work."

* * *

Gideon visited Reid on his lunch break, and set him up with a wire. A small antenna and microphone hidden on his person. So long as the antenna could find a connection it would transmit the audio to Garcia and the rest of the team. Gideon made sure the microphone was set up and out of sight in Reid's sock. "We'll be able to hear you and everyone else, but we won't be able to talk to you. Essentially you're on your own."

"I know, Gideon. I'll be okay, don't worry." Reid replied trying to calm his mentor's nerves.

Gideon smiled tightly and nodded, "I know you will, Spencer. Garcia should be able to track your location so if anything goes wrong we'll hopefully be near by, but it might take us a while to reach you."

"Gideon, please. Nothing will go wrong. I know what I'm doing." In all honesty Reid didn't have a clue, but he wasn't about to tell Gideon that.

"We'll be in vehicles somewhere in the area. Far enough away so it's not suspicious, it might take a while if you need us."

"Gideon, you said that already." Reid replied, looking slightly concerned.

"Right, right, I know, I just want to make sure you're prepared."

"I'm prepared, Gideon. I have all I need right here." he said pointing to his head. "He's smart, but I'm smarter."

Gideon smiled a tight smile again. Reid's IQ might be higher, but he definitely wasn't as street smart. The only thing Gideon could hope for was that these months of Reid sneaking around in alleys and dealing with this crowd had taught him something.

"Gideon, just go meet up with the team. Less than half an hour until I have to be downstairs. I don't want them to see you leaving."

Gideon nodded, "You're right, I need to go. Just remember to turn that device on before you go downstairs."

"I will. Now go." Reid urged.

Gideon gave Reid a farewell, good luck hug and then forced himself to leave Reid to fend for himself. Reid spent the following minutes pacing the hallway until five minutes to one. He knelt down and lifted up his pant leg, flicking a small switch on the top of the device.

"I hope you can hear me Garcia, guys, I'm heading downstairs now." Reid left his apartment and walked to the elevator in silence. The ride down was also silent. He was walking through the front doors just as a sharp black car pulled up. A man opened the passenger door, got out and closed it behind him before opening the rear passenger door.

"Dr. Reid. Perfect timing. Get in." Reid did as he was told and sat. "Slide over." Reid looked up at the guy in the doorway. He must have worn a confused expression because all he got in return was the command again. "Slide. Over." Reid did this time and the man sat in next to him. The driver passed a blindfold to the man in the back and Reid's eyes widened. "Standard procedure." he was told.

"Please," Reid begged, "I don't want the blindfold. I-I'll keep my head down I promise, just don't blindfold me. I don't…" Reid sighed, "I don't like the dark."

His request was considered for a moment and then met with a nod, "Alright, head between your knees. One wrong move and you'll pay for it."

Reid nodded and leaned forward to stare at the floor. The man next to him put a hand on his neck. It was firm, but not painful in any way. Just there to keep him in place. Reid felt the car start to move and noted that he was already in the perfect position if he felt motion sick. He tried to superimpose the vehicle's movements onto a map in his head, left turn, right turn, etc, but when they started down a gravel road he was stumped. He really and truly had no idea where he was, and to him that was possibly more frightening than what he was going to face now that he was here.

The car slowed to a stop and Reid was allowed to lift his head. He looked around and spotted only old industrial looking buildings. He was most likely at a building where his dealer's business ran from, not his dealer's actual home. Which made sense of course. The glance at the area told him one thing very important. It was extremely low traffic. The team wouldn't be able to get anywhere close and still blend in. Garcia was probably telling them that now, and finding the best location for them to settle and listen to the exchange.

Reid was led up and into a warehouse. The inside looked nothing like he expected. It had been renovated and had walls and halls and many rooms. Reid made mental notes of which turns they took as he was led through this maze. It was well decorated, even regal in appearance, if it wasn't for the stench of various drugs everywhere. When they finally stopped Reid was sure he'd been led nearly the whole length of the building. This room looked almost like the reception area of some small private office. A coat rack, a fully functional desk, behind which was a filing cabinet, a potted plant and some artwork, and finally a row of chairs for him to sit in. The only thing missing was a secretary to go behind the desk.

"Sit here, someone will be with you shortly." The man Reid had been with this whole time flicked a light switch near the door, which had no effect on this room, and then left.

Reid had barely seated himself when the door opposite the one he'd entered in swung open and he was being ordered to stand. He did and took a step towards the open door. "Not so fast." he was told. "I need to check you for weapons and other potentially harmful devices first. Turn around."

"Oh." Reid said. "Okay." He did as he was instructed and the new male began a very slow and deliberate pat down, starting at Reid's shoulders. _'Please don't let him find it. Please don't let him find it.'_ Reid repeated in his head.

The search was around his knees when the first door opened, "Hey James. We need an extra hand in room twelve. Like now."

James stood, "Another one?" He got a nod for a reply. "Alright I'll be right there." He walked over to the rear door and knocked twice. When it opened he said, "You can take him in, he's clean. I've got to go help with a problem upstairs." James looked back at Reid and motioned him through the door.

Reid stepped through into a small entryway to a much larger room. This small area was swathed in an eerie red light, and when Reid found the source, a red bulb above the door he'd just came through, it went out; precisely at the moment James flicked the light switch while exiting the other room. Reid looked deeper into the room. It was hard to tell from here but it looked quite comfortable. Almost like a library in some large mansion. Dimly lit with a smoky haze and the shadows danced, making Reid assume there was a fireplace in the room. Books lined the walls and he couldn't help but be impressed as he was led closer to the flames burning in the grate, and two winged-back chairs, a table between them.

It was amazing that a place so luscious and warm could exist within the cold exterior of the warehouse walls. This room was the only one he'd seen that was the full 2-storeys high. Walking past a full bookcase Reid caught some of the titles and was in pure awe. He needed to remind himself that this wasn't the reason he was here, and that chances are they were all stolen or at least purchased with dirty money. He turned his attention to the chairs he was approaching. The man sitting in one of them he could only assume was Alexander Connors.

He was middle-aged, but his dark curly hair and clean shaven face made him appear younger. His eyes were a dark hazel; deep knowing eyes that could read your very soul if you let them. He appeared to be heavier set, broad shoulders and perhaps a bit of a gut, but as he stood Reid realized his mistake. Alex was a large man, yes, but it seemed to be pure muscle. He held out a hand for Reid to shake while smoothing out his crisp grey suit with the other.

"Dr. Reid. Pleased to meet you. Come, sit." he motioned to the opposite chair.

Reid shook his hand hesitantly, "I'm glad you would see me." He sat down in the large chair, his trouser legs crawling up as he did so.

Alexander Connors didn't sit until Reid had, and then he motioned his lackeys away. "Well, I take threats to my business very personally."

"I'd expect nothing less." Reid replied.

"Would you care for a drink?" Alex motioned to the bottle of red wine on the table between them.

Reid looked at the table, the bottle and two glasses sat atop it along with a small square wood-grain box. "I appreciate the offer, but I don't drink. Besides, mixing drugs and alcohol is never a good idea."

"Smart man." Alexander replied. "So then, what do you know?"

"I know that the FBI is investigating your operations and have been since the shooting in the alley over a month ago. Because the man that shot me was killed execution style they decided to look into it."

"And how close are they."

"They know your name don't they? And I'm willing to bet not even your closest men know your name."

"Hmm and how do I know you're not working for them, and leading them here to ambush me?"

"You don't. They could be listening right now and on their way here. You're just going to have to trust that I don't want to loose my supplier." Reid said.

"I'm sure someone with your smarts could find someone else." Connors said.

"Perhaps, but not someone with the access you have to the good stuff. And not someone who appreciates my business like you do. And certainly not someone who runs a smooth operation like this. I don't want to deal with thugs. I spent days searching the streets for someone who looked like they knew what they were doing. I studied the patterns, and though the drop boy was different the actions were the same. Eye contact, nod, approach. Every time. I knew that whoever was running that tight of a business was big, had power and connections, and was the only person I could trust. Now you need to trust me." Reid stopped his long winded explanation and waited for some form of response.

"Alright, I'm convinced, but you need to give me more information than what you have." Alexander replied.

In truth Reid didn't know much more than what he'd already said so now he had to think fast, "I'm suspended from my job right now, so they don't exactly tell me much. All I can say with certainty is that they have someone supplying them with information. I suggest you tighten your ranks and weed out the leak. That's all I know."

Alexander Connors opened a box on a table next to his chair and pulled out a large cigar and a pack of matches. He lit the cigar, took a few puffs, and gave Reid a questioning look. "You called a meeting just to tell me that? You think I don't have control over my staff."

"That's not what I said. I just thought it was important. That you should know." Reid defended himself.

"I am really beginning to question your motives, Spencer."

Reid tried his best to look indignant, "Just because I'm trying to help you? That's not fair." He crossed his arms, and crossed one leg over the other, in a defensive and insulted manner. He didn't realise his mistake until it was too late. The action had caused Reid's pant leg to ride up even further, exposing the top of his sock.

The expression on Alexander Connors face melded into shock and then anger and he was on Reid in a second, pinning him to the chair; his cigar forgotten, discarded to the floor. Two of his men were at his side and taking his place holding Reid in the chair within seconds. Connors clipped the device off Reid's sock and shoved it in his face. "What is this!?"

"I-I-I'm sorry!" Reid pleaded. "They made me do it! I didn't want to! They said I'd loose my job permanently if I didn't help them. Please, I'm sorry. They don't ever have to know. You can keep it, destroy the information on it, whatever you want, just please don't hurt me."

"So you were going to give this to them when you left here." Alexander asked and Reid nodded. "Are you sure it's not sending this audio to them now?"

"Th-th-that's not what they told me." Reid said. "You can throw it into the fire now, and they'll never have to know."

"And what would you tell them when you returned?"

"I don't know. I'll think of something."

Connors studied the device and then smirked, finding the switch at the top and then turning it off. "I think that'll be enough. You should know better than to lie to me."

Reid let out a long breath and forced himself to relax. "Thank you," he said looking at the device. "You have to believe me I didn't want to do it. I was coerced. I'd never intentionally jeopardize your business. I tried to tell you. I said they might be listening, I told you they had someone they were using as an informant. I just couldn't actually come right out and say it. I'm sorry!"

Alexander returned to his seat and the hands on Reid relaxed but didn't leave him. "You apparently believe that I have to believe you a lot. I don't need to believe you at all."

"If you believe anything let it be this: they'll be on their way here right now. They believe I'm in danger, so they're coming here. You need to leave now if you don't want to go down."

Connors looked at one of the men holding Reid who nodded and spoke into a mic on his shirt collar; very secret service, minus the suit. "Evacuate and lockdown." Almost immediately the lights were cut and the only source came from the fire.

"Now," Connors said, "I was going to use this as a way for us to celebrate but now I feel it'll serve better as a test of your loyalty. And if you're not loyal to me now, you will be when I'm done." He reached to the box on the table and opened it, taking out an unlabeled phial, syringe, and tourniquet. He tossed the phial to Reid who caught it, and then he reached over holding out the syringe and tourniquet. "Go on. Indulge."

Reid shook his head, "We don't have time for this. We need to leave, you need to leave."

"Trust me, I have time. Even if they were to come through the front doors now, there would still be 10 minutes of searching before they made it here. And it'll take them a while to get through the lockdown defences. Go on have a little."

Reid looked at the phial and swallowed hard before shaking his head, "No, I don't need any right now. Thank you." He ignored Alex's outstretched hand and set the phial on the table.

Connors leaned back and sighed, "As I suspected. You're slipping. They're taking you from me. I won't let that happen." He was rewarded by Reid's eyes widening which caused him to chuckle. He gave a nod to one of the men holding Reid.

It came quickly, a sharp strike to the side of Reid's head. Completely blindsided Reid didn't see it coming or have a chance to react. He blinked away the stars but nothing was coming into focus. Clearly one very practiced shot. The room spun as he tried to settle his rattled brain. Suddenly the face of Alexander Connors was in front of him.

Reid felt hands on his sleeves and his arm being exposed and he fought desperately to get his brain to function normally again so he could figure out what was going on. He felt something grip his upper arm tightly, squeezing all the life from it, and he wondered what he'd done for the guy holding him to abuse him that way. It wasn't until Alexander Connors' face loomed in front of him again, this time with a half-full syringe in his hand that Reid finally broke through the fog and pieced it together.

The adrenaline rush was large enough for Reid to start struggling, "No. Don't do that. Please just let me go." He fought to stand, to run, and was manhandled to the floor as an alarm started sounding.

Connors smirked down at Reid, and held his arm still. As he injected Reid with his drug of choice he spoke clearly, "There's not much time now, so just remember this; the next time you contact me, and you will, make sure it's for our business, not your friends'." As he stood he pulled the tourniquet off and motioned for his men to let go and move away. Without looking back they rushed to a back door and were gone.

As the tourniquet was released the rush of the drug knocked Reid's head back and he let out a groan, arching his back as the fire and ice coursed through his veins. He wasn't sure if it was because he hadn't had any of the good stuff for a while, or if it was because it was a higher dose, but this was certainly better than the first time. Pleasure and pain all at once, burning ever nerve ending he owned, setting them alight as even the slightest touch. It hurt to even have his clothes touch him, and laying on the hardwood floor was even worse.

He turned onto his side, and then onto his knees using the chair for support as he stood. His whole body was shaking and he knew he wouldn't be able to walk until it subsided. For now he placed his hands on the chair in front of him, locking his elbows straight, and leaned against it, legs out behind him. Waves of pleasure rolled through him once more causing him to cry out and arch his back. He could hear no sounds besides that of his beating heart. He'd broken out into a deep cold sweat, and every bead rolling down his skin made him want to scream. It was bliss, it was anguish, it was love and lust and torture and agony. It was life itself, and he didn't want it to end. He felt so alive, so on fire. He collapsed to the floor again and writhed with the pleasure flowing through him. He was desperate now for a release and when it finally came he thought he'd landed in heaven. Ecstasy.

He rolled onto his side again and rode out the last waves, panting heavily. Once it had all subsided he wanted nothing more than to do it all again, bigger and better. Sound began to filter back in and the first thing he heard was the alarm going off. Right, he needed to get out of here. He started to crawl away from the firelight and towards the door he'd entered in.

When he made it there he used the door handle to help himself to his feet and then the door frame to steady himself as he opened the door. His head was swimming again, and slowly he used the wall as a guide to take him to the next door. Opening that he tried to recall his way through the dark halls. It only seemed to get darker the deeper he went and part of him wanted to just sit down and wait for help, but if he sat still he was sure something else would find him first. So he continued on, holding the wall as much as he could for support and security, while he retraced his steps, shuffling along.

Rounding one corner he was met with bright lights and he raised a hand to shield his eyes. There was shouting and yelling, and he was sure somewhere in there he heard his name. As shadows blocked out the lights he lowered his arm and was met with the concerned expressions of Hotch and Morgan. He managed a weak smile for them, "Hey…"

"Reid, man, are you okay? You don't look good." Morgan said taking one arm while Hotch took the other to lead him out of this place, while other agents and police continued searching.

"Yeah," Reid said in a dreamy dazed tone. "Yeah, I'm fine. I just got… got a hit to the head and he let me go."

They continued out into the blight sunlight and sat Reid down in the passenger seat of one of their SUV's. Morgan looked at him long and hard, "Are you sure you're alright, you pupils are dilated."

Reid was rather impressed Morgan could tell that through his half-closed eyes. "Yeah, I'm okay. Might be in some form of shock or have a minor concussion. I'm just tired now, is all."

"Well don't fall asleep on me, buddy. Keep your eyes open and we'll get you checked out." Morgan said.

"I'm fine really. And that falling asleep thing is a myth." Reid retorted.

"Yeah," Morgan chuckled, "well, just in case, alright?" Reid nodded.

"Any luck?" Gideon's voice crackled over the radio.

Hotch pressed the button on the side of his and replied, "Yeah, Jason, we got him. He's gonna be fine." Hotch gave Morgan a small smile. If Reid was with it enough to correct you on something he couldn't be too bad.

Reid was checked over by EMT's and given the okay to go home and rest. There was a small argument over who would take Reid home, and Reid finally settled it by choosing Morgan, who offered to stay the night but Reid declined. All he wanted was some time alone to think, and to sleep, and relive what he'd experience, if only in memory.


	26. Sleepless Nights

**A/N: It was so great to get Reid out of his apartment last chapter. But alas, now we're back.  
Enjoy!  
**

* * *

Chapter 26: Sleepless Nights

Once he'd gotten Morgan out of his apartment Reid slept the rest of the afternoon and evening. It was far from a deep restful sleep though. Every few hours he'd wake up in a cold sweat, shaking uncontrollably. He wanted to be sick but he didn't want to get up, so he'd just curl up tighter and pulls the blankets in closer and ride it out until sleep took him again.

The following morning he was awoken to a knock on his door. He grumbled and finally pulled himself out of bed and stumbled out of his room. He'd debated grabbing his housecoat, it would have helped cover the wet state of the clothes he was still wearing from the previous day, but as it wasn't needed for decency purposes he ignored it and moved past.

Opening the door he frowned, "Gideon?"

"Spencer. I didn't want to just let myself in." Gideon replied.

"Um, thank you. I was just sleeping, uh, come in." He opened the door wider and stepped aside.

Gideon crossed the threshold, and waited for the door to close behind him before he gave Reid a hard look. "You don't look good." he stated bluntly.

"Well, I'm fine, just had a rough night." Reid replied, as his gut started to twist again. He leaned up against the wall to steady himself.

"What happened yesterday? You never told anyone what happened after we lost audio." Gideon said.

"I don't really remember. I got punched or something in the side of the head," he pointed to the minor cut hiding in his hairline, "and after that it's all a little fuzzy." Which was the truth to a point, and then things became clear again, but he didn't feel the need to mention that. The trial would start on Monday, today was Wednesday, if it was even suspected that he'd used recently he knew the team wouldn't allow him to testify. Granted he hadn't wanted it, but Reid was sure that wouldn't make a difference. They could never know about this because his testimony would be one of the most important ones.

"Spencer! Hey, look at me!" Gideon said, placing a hand on either side of Reid's neck. He knew Reid hadn't heard a word he'd just been saying.

"Hmm?" Reid mumbled, blinking the world back into focus. "Oh, sorry. I'm still a little dazed I think."

"You really don't look well." Gideon remarked as Reid broke out into a sweat again. "Spencer, you're in the same clothes you were yesterday, you're soaking wet, and you're eyes don't look right. Like you're not really here." He didn't want to say Reid looked high, but it certainly crossed his mind.

"Don't say that. I just… I just need to lie down." Reid pushed off the wall and stumbled forward.

Gideon caught him before he hit the floor, and lowered him the rest of the way slowly. Reid paused for a moment on his hands and knees and then started to crawl to the washroom. He couldn't fight off the nausea now that he had been standing. Gideon followed him and watched forlornly as Reid vomited up what little he had in his stomach. When Reid lay down on the cool floor Gideon approached and knelt beside him. "Spencer," he said wiping Reid's brow with his sleeve, "you're having withdrawals aren't you? I thought we worked around that problem."

Reid shook his head, sucking in breaths, "No. No, I'm not, I'm fine. Just go to work, and I'll be okay."

"Spencer, talk to me. What's going on?"

"I… I guess our clever plan didn't work. I've managed on my own for the last 12 or more hours, I don't need a witness to my pain. Just go. Please." Reid said.

"You know I'm not leaving. When did it start?"

Reid did his best to shrug, "A few hours after I got home I think. I don't know. I went straight to bed. Which is what I'm going back to now." He pushed himself up and Gideon helped him stand. "You really can go. I don't need a babysitter."

"This isn't about what you need; it's about what I want. I'm calling Hotch to tell him I'm staying here." Reid didn't object as Gideon got up and distanced himself to make the call. "Aaron, it's Gideon," he glanced at Reid who'd curled into a tight ball and was shaking badly. His voice caught in his throat and he had to walk to the living room to finish his sentence. "I stopped off to see how Spencer was doing, and I think I need to stay here… No… I don't know, maybe… No that's okay, we'll be fine… Goodbye." He walked back to the bathroom and Reid had pushed himself in a sitting position against the tub.

Reid looked at Gideon with accusing eyes, "He thinks I'm still using doesn't he? You both do. But I'm not, I swear to you I'm not!"

"I don't think you are, Spencer, but I don't know what this is. I'm worried."

"It's nothing. I'm fine."

"You can't expect me to believe you. You're not fine, Spencer. Anyone would be able to see that."

"Help me up. I'm going back to bed. If you want to stay, fine, but I'm not going to socialize with you or anyone else. I just want to sleep."

Gideon helped Reid to his feet and walked with him to the bedroom. "You should get out of those clothes. It can't be comfortable sleeping in something so wet."

"It won't make a difference, the bedding is wet too." Reid mumbled crawling into the damp bed. "Make me a coffee? Please?"

Gideon nodded, "Of course." He left the room to make the desired coffee, and spend the rest of the day in solitude, checking on Reid whenever he heard the small cries or whimpers.

In the evening Reid finally got up and changed his clothes, putting on his warm housecoat overtop. He wandered out into the kitchen in search of food, totally ignoring Gideon's presence. From the fridge he took out a Babybel wheel of cheese. He took off the wrapping, and peeled off the thick wax coating that protected the cheese before walking over to his chair and sitting down. "So, you're still here."

"Of course I am." Gideon replied.

"Why?" Reid asked.

"Because, Spencer, I care about you, I needed to make sure you'd be okay."

"I told you I would be, and I am aren't I?"

"I don't know. Are you?"

"Yes," Reid replied, "I think so." He sighed and pulled his legs up onto the chair, drawing his knees up under his chin. He nibbled on his cheese, avoiding Gideon's gaze as much as he could. The silence was broken by a knock at the door. Reid finished off his cheese and got up to answer it. He looked out at Hotch with Morgan in tow and then opened the door further. "Oh, hey guys. C-come on in."

He closed the door behind them and followed them to the living room as they greeted Gideon. He certainly wasn't up for visitors but he couldn't turn them away either. They took seats on the couch as Reid sat back down in his chair. "So Reid man, how you doin'?" Morgan asked.

"I'm fine." Reid replied.

The three men on the couch shared a glance that Reid didn't see, and then Hotch said, "I have some information about the trial. The victims will be taking the stand on Wednesday, one week from today. You will be included in them."

"When does the team testify?" Reid asked.

"The day before. Monday is opening statements and presentation of the case. Tuesday Morgan, JJ, Prentiss, and I will tell it how we see it. Hopefully we'll be able to get in good words for you then."

"Why would you need to?"

Hotch frowned, "Though Chester Reynolds is most likely going for an insanity plea, the defence is still going to make a point at showing that Chester has a reason for every person he took, and that it wasn't random. That in his delusional state he thought he was cleaning up the world."

"And he took me because I was on drugs." Reid filled in the blanks.

Hotch nodded, "That can't come out during the trial, so we have to figure out how to work around it without lying. The lives of the other victims aren't secrets, whether they cheated on their spouse, beat their spouse, or did drugs, someone else knows about it, and the defence can easily gather that information and diminish their testimony for those reasons. Especially the drug users. The jury will be told not to trust their account of things because they're perception is skewed. You're an FBI agent turned victim, if we can keep your former problem silent then yours will be the most valued testimony of all."

"I'm aware of that, Hotch." Reid said. "I know no one I was with will say anything."

"How do you know that?" Morgan asked.

"They told me. Jessica promised they'd never say a word, as their way of paying me back."

"They can't lie on the stand any more than we can." Hotch said.

"I know that. I told her I wasn't going to ask her to lie for me, and all she said was that I didn't have to ask, she was telling me that was what they'd do." Reid shrugged. "Hopefully they won't be posed with that question." There were a few moments of silence before Reid broke it, "So how did the bust go, yesterday. Get anything good?"

"We can't really tell you much, but if you're referring to Alexander Connors, no, he got out a hidden back way." Hotch explained.

"Oh." Reid said. "That's too bad. I… I really hoped you would get him."

Morgan nodded, "We did too, man. After everything he put you through, I really wanted to get my hands on him."

"So if you didn't get him, what did you get?" Reid asked, taking the focus off himself again.

"The downstairs had been cleared almost spotless in the time it took us to get there. The second floor was a lot more interesting." Hotch said looking over at Gideon.

Gideon nodded, "Prentiss and I, along with our team of officers raided the upstairs. Two sets of rooms, one set numbered 31 through 45. Lavishly furnished and full of any amenities one might need. The other, numbered 1 through 15… they were bad. Just a dirty mattress on a frame and a bucket in the corner. The doors locked from the outside and the occupants were all left for us in the raid. The man in room twelve was barely alive when we got there, and he died shortly afterwards."

Reid frowned, "I have no idea what that's about. The good rooms though, my best bet would be his drop boys. Makes sense he'd keep them close, and treat them well. But this obviously wasn't his main place of operation, 31 through 45 means he probably has at least two other buildings somewhere. His drop boys are always referred to by their number, which probably corresponds with the room number."

"That's good Reid, that'll help." Hotch said. "So, what happened yesterday after he found the device on you?"

Reid frowned, "Nothing happened. One of his guys hit me, and then he was talking to me, warning me of something but I really don't remember what. And then the alarms started going off, I didn't see where he went when he left. When I finally got my head together I retraced my steps till I got to you. That's all I remember."

"Are you sure, Reid?" Morgan asked.

"Yes I'm sure! Are you calling me a liar!?" Reid snapped.

"Whoa, just chill kid, I'm not calling you anything. I just want to make sure we have the whole story." Morgan said in defence.

"Well you have all I know, so just leave! All of you! Get out of my home and leave me alone. Please." Reid said, his voice softening, almost pleading, at the end.

Gideon, Hotch, and Morgan shared a sad look before Gideon nodded. "If that's what you want Spencer, we'll go." he said standing and walking towards the hallway. Morgan and Hotch followed suit. Reid didn't even get up to see them to the door.

The three men stood in the open doorway. Gideon on the inside, a little reluctant to leave. "He'll be alright." he said, more to assure himself than the others.

Morgan shook his head, "Don't kid yourself, Gideon. He is far from alright."

Hotch nodded in agreement and said, "We don't really know what went on in those 20 minutes we didn't have audio. We just know what he's told us, which isn't much, and only have what little evidence we collected. He shuts us out every time we turn the focus on him." Morgan fell silent, studying the floor.

Gideon sighed, "I don't want to leave him." He glanced back over his shoulder.

"Jason, we have to respect his wishes. Let's go." Hotch said.

Gideon nodded reluctantly and crossed the threshold, letting the heavy door swing shut behind him. Morgan looked up and put a hand on the door before the latch clicked, "You guys go, I'll be right there. I think I forgot something." He waited for their knowing nods, and watched them walk away before he re-entered the apartment. He walked down the hall and knelt down in front of Reid's chair, looking up at him. "Reid, buddy, if something happened with him that you don't want to tell us, I get that. But I need to make sure you know you can tell me anything."

"I know, now please leave." Reid said not making eye contact.

"Reid, if he did anything against your will, then it wasn't your fault. We won't blame you for it. And you don't have to deal with it alone."

"Morgan, please, just go. I don't want to talk okay!" Reid started to get a little more anxious.

Morgan noticed the shift and nodded, "He did, didn't he? He forced the drugs on you."

Reid turned his head quickly to look at Morgan, confusion and relief in his eyes, "How… how did you know?"

"I think we all sort of suspected, why do you think Gideon came to check on you today? Given the evidence in the room you were in, a used needle and a tourniquet thrown in the fireplace, it wasn't hard to assume what happened. The only thing not found was the drug itself." Morgan explained.

Reid nodded, "Probably took it with him. No sense in wasting a perfectly good product, you know."

"Yeah," Morgan said, "I know. And you know you could have told us."

This time Reid shook his head, "No I couldn't. I know how important my testimony is, and if you knew I used again I wouldn't be allowed to. I know Hotch wouldn't let me."

"That's not true, Reid. Not in this case anyway, because you didn't want it. It was forced on you, and you couldn't help it. You won't get in trouble for that."

The corner of Reid's mouth twitched in an attempt at a smile, "Really?"

"Yes, really. And if I know you like I think I do, you did your best to fight it."

A nod, "Mm hmm, and I have the bruises to prove it." Reid said, hugging himself.

Morgan frowned, "Are you okay?"

"Yes, I'll be alright anyway."

"May I look?" Morgan asked.

Reid shrugged and slid his housecoat off his shoulders. The shirt he wore underneath was short sleeved so it wasn't hard to show off the bruises on his upper arm. Clear hand and finger marks from where he was held down. Flashes of memory came back to him and he blinked away the tears.

Morgan looked up at him, "It's okay, Reid. He won't hurt you like that anymore."

"He's still out there Morgan, and he still wants me." Reid said.

"What do you mean?"

"Two things I remember him saying are 'if you're not loyal to me now, you will be when I'm done' and 'they're taking you from me'. He won't give me up without a fight, and I don't know why."

"Because you're priceless." Morgan smiled. "You have people who care about you and will do anything to help you. If he can tear you down, he'll tear us down too, the more people that are hurt the happier he is."

Reid nodded, "I can't let him do that. Not to you guys."

"Don't let him do it to you either. You're worth more than that."

"Heh, thanks Morgan." Reid said.

"It's the truth, Reid. You're always trying so hard to please us, and to be strong. Gideon didn't say much when he talked to Hotch this morning, but from what we understood you were having withdrawals pretty bad."

"Could have been worse. Probably will get worse. I have a feeling this is the calm before the storm."

Morgan nodded, "But you're strong. You wanted to get through it on your own, and not involve us."

"Yeah, and you know what, I'm not really even mad he forced the drugs on me, and he gave me a lot more than I'd ever give myself. What upsets me most is that I was so close to my goal and now I have to start all over again."

"Not all over, Reid. Just back a couple steps. And you'll do it, I know you will." Morgan smiled.

"Thanks." Reid said.

"No problem, kid." Morgan said, standing up. "I should get going. I'm sure they're waiting for me."

Reid nodded, "Tell Gideon… Tell him he's welcome to stop by in the morning."

"I will." Morgan smiled. "Catch you later." he said, reaching over and tousling Reid's hair. Reid smacked his hand away and glared, which only made Morgan laugh. "Have a good night." he said before leaving the apartment.

* * *

Down in the parking lot Hotch and Gideon gave him anxious looks as he approached. "Well?" Gideon's voice was deeply worried.

Morgan smiled, "He's gonna be just fine. He admitted Connors forced drugs on him."

Hotch and Gideon visibly relaxed. "Good, I just wish he'd have told us in the first place." Hotch said.

"He was scared. He didn't want to loose his chance at bringing Reynolds down by not being able to testify. But he's okay now, and he says you're welcome to stop by in the morning." Morgan said turning to Gideon.

Gideon smiled, "I'll do that."

Hotch, though relieved Reid wasn't keeping anything from them anymore, was still unconvinced, "He's not okay, Morgan. He's far from okay, and I really don't know if what we're doing is best for him."

"Would you rather we lock him up? Not, Hotch, he's doing fine, leave him be." Morgan argued.

Hotch frowned, shaking his head, but didn't argue. Gideon sighed, realising it would be another sleepless night for all of them as they worried about Reid's welfare and the course of action they were, or weren't, taking with him.


	27. Emily

Chapter 27: Emily

The shakes and nausea started again around midnight, stronger than the previous day. Reid was glad in his decision to only wear boxers to bed. Though the bedding still got soaked from the sweating, it was ultimately more comfortable than wearing sopping wet clothes. His insides felt like they were going to explode and he knew he had to ride it out. The only other option was getting his hands on some Dilaudid to take the edge off, and he was not going to allow himself to do that. If he gave in, he knew he'd be lost forever, or at least a real long time.

When Gideon let himself in the following morning he found Reid not in his bed, but curled up on the bathroom floor, sleeping peacefully. He sighed inwardly and moved to the living room to take the blanket off the back of the couch. Returning to the bathroom he draped the blanket over Reid's sleeping form.

The sudden contact woke Reid, and he opened his eyes groggily. First he noticed the blanket; second he looked up at Gideon and smiled. "Hey, what time is it?"

"Around 6:00." Gideon replied, returning the smile. "How was your night?"

"Same as the last, but worse." Reid said and then frowned, realising that was slightly contradictory. "What I mean is—"

"I know what you mean." Gideon said, saving Reid the explanation. "Are you doing alright?"

Reid nodded, closing his eyes, "I'm exhausted, but I'm alive. In the grand scheme of things I'm going to mark that at a good thing."

Gideon smiled again, "I won't be able to stay with you today. I've taken too many days off already, but I'll stop by after work. Maybe bring some of the team?"

Reid sighed, but nodded, "I understand. I'll be fine. And yeah, that would be alright." Gideon reached down his hand to help Reid stand, but Reid shook his head. "I don't know if I can get up yet."

"Try." Gideon urged.

With another sigh Reid reached up and took Gideon's hand, keeping his other hand on the blanket. He stood slowly and painfully but he finally made it. "Thank you." he murmured.

"You're welcome. Are you sure you'll be fine? I can call someone else to take a day off."

"No, that's alright. I'll be fine." They walked out into the hall and to the door where Reid said goodbye. Reid then looked into his room and frowned before deciding to spend the rest of the day lying down on the couch.

* * *

Reid didn't wake when Gideon entered the apartment, Prentiss behind him. They walked silently to the living room where they saw him shaking slightly, but still sleeping. Gideon stepped into the kitchen and started a pot of coffee, while Prentiss knelt down in front of the couch. She didn't want to wake him, but it felt odd being in his home without his knowledge. She brushed a stay lock of hair from his face and his eyes fluttered open. "Hey Reid. Just stopped by for a visit. Gideon's making coffee, you want one?"

Reid nodded, "Please. Is… is it just you?"

Prentiss nodded in return, "Hotch and Morgan wanted to give others a chance to visit without crowding you. I don't think Garcia wanted to see you suffering. You know how she is."

Reid agreed with a nod, and then asked, "And JJ?"

"She said she had things to do. I don't know anything more." Prentiss explained.

Reid sighed and sat up, "Well I'm glad you came. I haven't exactly been kind to you recently."

"You're still a team mate, and more importantly a friend. Besides, you were plenty kind when we all visited when you got out of the hospital."

"Yeah and no one has visited since then, unless it had to do with work."

"That's got nothing to do with you personally, Reid. We just know how much you like your space. We don't want to get in the way."

"Friends are never in the way." Reid said, despite constantly telling everyone to leave him alone.

The contradiction wasn't lost on Prentiss or Gideon, as he brought over a mug of coffee, but neither of them said a word. If anything they took it as a good sign that he was thinking logically once again. Reid sipped at his coffee while Prentiss took a mug and sat next to him. Gideon took a risk and sat in Reid's chair and was pleased when Reid didn't protest.

Reid set his mug down on the coffee table and pulled the blanket around his shoulders, turning his head to look at Prentiss, "Sorry if the couch is a little damp."

She smiled, suppressing a laugh, "It's not, don't worry."

Reid nodded with a tight smile, and then sighed. Prentiss noticed for the first time how completely wiped and drained he looked. The darkness under his eyes was puffy and possibly even darker than normal. He was thinning out even more than she would have thought possible. It was clear this was all beginning to take its toll on him. He looked more like a junkie now, than he did when he was actually using. Shaking her head she said, "Forgive me for saying so, but you look beat."

"Mmmph," Reid nodded in agreement. "I imagine I look as bad as I feel." He picked up his mug which shook in his hands as he took a sip. A deep frown came over his face as he watched it shake; finally he put it down and closed his eyes. "It's starting." he managed to mumble before the shakes overtook his entire body.

Prentiss was quickly on her feet and taking Reid by the shoulders to help him lay down. Gideon was behind her in the next second. She watched, faced laced with concern, as he curled up, pulling the blanket tight around himself. Beads of sweat began rolling down his face stinging his eyes if opened them. Prentiss bit her lower lip and then reached out, touching the back of her hand to his forehead. "Gideon, get me a damp cloth please." she said over her shoulder. "Reid, you have a fever, this should help." She took the dripping cloth from Gideon and draped it over Reid's forehead before standing, "A glass of water with a straw now, please."

She walked to the bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet in search of some Advil or Tylenol. She found a small bottle of extra strength Tylenol in one corner, and took out a tablet. "Just what the doctor ordered." she mumbled. She walked back out to Reid and took the glass of water from Gideon. "Reid, take this." she said holding out the tablet between her fingers.

Reid opened his eyes to look at what she had and then quickly shook his head. "No, I won't take anything. I'll be fine."

"Reid, it's just Tylenol. Take it." Prentiss urged.

He shook his head, and squished his lips shut in a childish manner, "NmmMmm."

Prentiss sighed, "Fine, at least drink some water. We don't want you getting dehydrated."

This time Reid nodded, and sucked on the straw. The cool water was great, but he doubted any of this would bring his temperature down. It was simply a part of the withdrawals, and something he had to deal with. He'd come out stronger in the end. It was only a matter of time. He curled up tighter as another wave of shakes took him. His only thoughts now were on making it through this set. One thing at a time and everything would be fine.

Prentiss stood up and stepped next to Gideon, and they both watched in silence, knowing there was nothing they could do. The only humane thing would be to put him out of his misery, and aside from killing him there was only one other way to do that — give him what his body craved. Unfortunately that wasn't an acceptable option for anyone involved, so they waited and watched. Prentiss glanced at Gideon out of the corner of her eye, "Did he go through this yesterday too?"

Gideon nodded, "And will again tomorrow. Average duration is seven days."

Prentiss was aghast, "Seven days of this hell?"

"It'll get better near the end." Gideon said. What he decided to keep silent was that it would get worse before it got better. "We worked so hard so that he wouldn't have to go through this, and he ends up having to anyway." There was an obvious sadness in Gideon's voice.

The first thing in Prentiss' mind was 'karma', but for what? What did Reid ever do to deserve this kind of torture? No human being, especially not one as innocent as Reid, should have to go through this. She sighed and turned to face the other way, no longer able to bare the sight before her eyes. Pain like that, even if it wasn't your own, was not something you could ever forget. "I don't blame Garcia or JJ for not wanting to witness this."

Gideon put a hand on her shoulder, "You did a good thing coming here. He appreciates it."

Prentiss nodded, "Someone had to."

"And it means a lot that it was you." Gideon assured her.

"Thank you." she said, turning back to Reid, "I know we got off to a rough start. I didn't know him long before all this happened. But regardless of the time we've known each other, I can see how special he is, how much he means to everyone on the team. He needs support, and maybe I'm the best person for it, because I don't know him as well." She shrugged, not exactly sure where she was going with it.

"You think his pain won't affect you as much as the others?" Gideon asked.

"Something like that, yeah."

Gideon shook his head, "Not even you can compartmentalize that well."

"Hmm, maybe not, but I can try." She sighed and stepped forward again, kneeling down in front of the couch. She touched the back of her hand to Reid's cheek, but couldn't really make a judgment from that. "How are you doing, Reid?" she whispered.

"Mmph." he groaned in response. The shaking had slowed but he still felt sick to his stomach. "Just…" his voice was weak, "Just a few minutes more."

Prentiss nodded, and settled herself on the floor while Gideon moved back to the chair. Silent tense minutes passed until Reid finally pushed himself back to a sitting position. Prentiss took the wet cloth from him and took it into the kitchen. When she returned she sat down next to Reid once more, "So, are you alright?"

He nodded, picking up his cooling coffee and taking a sip, "Yes, now let's not talk about it."

Prentiss sighed but nodded, "Alright. So what are your plans for Halloween this year?"

Reid blinked a few times, and remained silent for a moment. All Hallows Eve was a date he looked forward to every year, and he only now realised he'd completely forgot about it. It was nearly November and he hadn't made any plans for Halloween. He calculated the date in his head and then barked out a laugh, "I'll be in court, testifying."

"Oh." was all Prentiss managed to say. So much for a subject change. "Well how would you feel about going out afterwards and celebrating?"

"Celebrate what?" Reid asked.

Prentiss glanced at Gideon and then said, "You're recovery. Whatever you want to celebrate. It'll be your night. We'll all go out and do what you want. Sound good?"

"Yeah, actually, that sounds great." Reid said with a smile.

"Good. Good, I'll let everyone know to keep the evening free." Prentiss said, feeling pleased.

The rest of the evening was withdrawal free, and they discussed possible things Reid might like to do. It was great for Prentiss and Gideon to see Reid get excited about something. He spoke of many Halloween activities in the area and places they could go, excitedly gesturing with his hands. They just smiled and let him talk. This wasn't a sight they got to see often anymore, and it was very welcome. There was a light behind his eyes, life that hasn't been there for ages. Things were looking up, Reid was feeling good, who knows, maybe things would be back to normal sooner than expected.

* * *

  
**A/N: The fever thing was a request I got AGES ago... (and I still have 2 more on my list, one of which I've planned from the start anyway) I wish I could have expanded on it more, but I'm dying to move on to the trial! :D  
So, sorry if this chapter was a little broken and weak. But I promise, things are about to get REAL good.  
Cheers!**


	28. Trial And Error

**A/N: Extra long uber chapter from me!  
Huzzah!  
Worked all night to finish it. It's after 9am and I haven't slept yet. (hopefully that doesn't show! lol)**

**Well, this is a chapter I've been planning and pondering for MONTHS! And one part I've even had on my mind since a scene in DSH which I wasn't sure I'd even mention again. Decided to bring it up on the spot, and it worked nicely. This is pretty much what I've been working towards from the start, so hopefully it pays off and this, plus my upcoming chapters, are the best I've ever done. (would hate for all the planning to not be worth it.)  
Enjoy!**

* * *

Chapter 28: Trial And Error

The following day was the worst. The entire day was spent alone in the bathroom in a state of near constant vomiting. The ache in his gut was excruciating and he couldn't help but cry, though more from frustration than pain, until there were no more tears left in him. During the small breaks when he wasn't throwing up he was coming up with ways to be humanely, or perhaps not so humanely, euthanized. He wanted death to come for him soon and swift. He had yet to figure out the best way to do that though, so he continued to weigh the pros and cons of each option until sleep came for him finally early that evening.

After that the withdrawals were less intense. They were still there, and when they came they were still crippling, however the interval between started to grow at the same time the period they lasted shrank. He still felt like death warmed over, and probably looked it too, but he could at least feel proud he'd made it through the toughest times. It was all uphill from here.

He decided not to sit in the courtroom on Monday, still suffering a bit too much to last through the whole duration. Tuesday however he sat at the back and watched carefully as each team member that was in the field gave their side of the case. He listened intently, catching the nuances no one else would catch. Making sure he paid attention to how each member talked about his involvement, so he could refer to it the same way tomorrow. Cross examination was hard, but each team member didn't let themselves loose their professionalism. It lasted the entire day, but not once did Reid have to get up and leave to get sick. An accomplishment that made him proud, there weren't words to describe it.

Some shakes and queasiness struck him after he'd returned home, but nothing completely debilitating. He settled down for an early night, knowing he'd need all his strength to make it through the next day. His phone rang early the next morning, and he answered groggily, "Hello?"

"Hey, it's Prentiss. I have the girls with me. We're about to press your buzzer, so get up and let us in." she said, and then hung up.

Reid blinked confused and then the buzzer sounded. With a groan he stood and walked out of his room to let his unexpected guests through the doors. After pressing the button he tossed on his housecoat and waited by the door. At the knock he opened it to Prentiss' and Garcia's smiling faces, and JJ's less than pleased one. "Hey," he smiled at all of them, "come on in."

Prentiss and Garcia gave him hugs as they walked passed, while JJ merely glanced at him, forced a smile, and then looked away again. Reid sighed, he wasn't sure what her problem was, but he certainly wasn't going to ask. He could only hope she'd get over it eventually. "So, what brings you here today of all days?" he asked.

Garcia looked at him with a smirk reaching into her large bag and pulling out a smaller one, "Because my dear. You are in serious need of a makeover."

"A what?" Reid said.

JJ looked up at him, "You can go on the stand looking like that." There was a trace of a smile on her face, but she didn't keep looking at him for long.

"Like what?" Reid asked.

"Like death." Prentiss answered.

"Oh." Reid said.

"So we are here, out of the goodness of our hearts, to make sure you look perfect when you're on that stand. Sugar, you won't even recognise yourself when we're done with you. So go! Sit! Now!" Garcia ordered, taking him by the shoulders and leading him into the bathroom. Prentiss walked in first and closed the lid on the toilet so Reid could sit there, Garcia manhandled him onto the seat, and JJ started preparing all the necessary make-up items from Garcia's bag.

"Not to put a damper on this but is this really necessary?" Reid asked.

"Yes. Now shush!" Garcia said as she went to work, receiving pointers along the way from JJ and Prentiss. As Reid spied some of the colours in that bag of hers he could only pray he wouldn't turn out with eyes like Garcia's. Somehow he was sure that wouldn't suit him as nicely as it did her. As the three girls stood back and studied him he averted his eyes. Being stared at like that was not something he was used to. Each of them gave their seal of approval and Reid was finally allowed to get up and look at himself in the mirror.

"Oh, wow." he said as he studied his face. "I don't think I've ever looked this… normal." It was an odd sight to see peachy healthy coloured skin, and not a touch of darkness under his eyes. Nothing could be done about the slightly sunken cheeks, but he looked alive for the first time in years.

"You can thank me later." Garcia said with a smile.

"Now, what are you wearing?" Prentiss asked.

"Erm, I hadn't decided yet." Reid said, receiving shocked looks all around.

"Reid, seriously? You don't know what you're wearing yet?" JJ asked.

He shook his head and the girls heaved a collective sigh. Garcia took him by the shoulders, "To the wardrobe! March!" So Reid walked without protest to his bedroom, and let the girls ransack his clothing.

He looked at what was tossed at him and smiled, running his fingers over the fabric of the shirt. He looked up to confused faces, "It's what Gideon bought me the day I was released from the hospital."

They smiled knowingly. "Typical the only good things you own, you didn't buy." Prentiss teased.

"Well, put it on." JJ said, "We don't have all day."

Reid sighed, "Two problems. I shouldn't wear this."

"Why?" Prentiss asked.

"It…" he sighed, "its short sleeved. I don't want people to see." He looked down, averting his eyes.

"You have a nice jacket?" Again it was Prentiss who spoke.

"Yeah, Gideon bought me one of those too."

"Then wear that! Problem solved. Number two?" Garcia said.

Reid looked up again and smiled, "I can't change with the three of you in my room."

Smiles crossed all their faces and one by one they stepped out of the room. Prentiss, being last, closed the door behind her. Reid took off his housecoat and slid one leg after the other into the pant legs of his slacks. He did them up and then put on the shirt, noting with a smile how easy this was without an injured shoulder. With the shirt buttoned and the tie tied, he left the room and met the girls in the hall, one hand resting on his inner right arm to hide the marks.

The jacket he needed was hanging on a hook by the door, the path to which was blocked by the three females. He forced a smile while he squeezed passed them, though his posture and the reasons for it were not lost on any of them. Prentiss and Garcia felt immediate sadness, upset that Reid still felt he had to hide that part of him from them. Of course the marks were nothing to be proud of, but neither of them would judge him for it. JJ however felt sick. She couldn't quite pinpoint her reasons for it, perhaps because there was more than one. She hadn't wanted to come here, didn't want to face him, and though it hadn't been as bad as she thought, she was itching to leave, and being reminded of Reid's former drug use wasn't helping matters.

Reid slipped on the jacket and then turned back to them, "Good to go. Gideon should be picking me up soon."

"Nope." Garcia said. "Change of plans, we're taking you. And it's time to go."

Reid sighed, he knew there was no use arguing with Garcia. May as well go with the flow. The drive to the courthouse was shorter than expected, the case being held in DC due to its high profile. The drive wasn't nearly as uncomfortable as he thought, though. He wasn't allowed to dwell on what lay ahead, instead being engaged in regular conversation. Reaching the building they parked and walked inside. Gideon, Hotch, and Morgan were already there and they greeted him with a smile.

"Looking good, kid!" Morgan called, clapping him on the shoulder as the two groups came together.

Reid smiled trying to hide the embarrassment. He was wearing make-up, of course Morgan would have to make some comment. Though, Reid mused, it wasn't a very teasing comment. It was possible Morgan was being serious. Possible, but not probable.

Hotch didn't let them talk for long. "Reid I'll show you where the other witness are staying." Reid nodded and followed Hotch down a hall and through a door into a large, comfortable, waiting area. At the back of the room, against the left side wall was another door that led to the courtroom. "You can stay here with everyone else, or sit in the courtroom with us, I'm giving you the choice, but you need to check in first." He waved over an official looking man with a clipboard and Reid gave his name and showed ID.

When he was done he noticed Jessica Goring standing off to the side. He gave her a small smile and she stepped up to him. "How're you doing?" she asked.

Reid smiled a little larger, "Good actually. Real good." he replied as Hotch stepped back to give them some space. "What about you?"

"I'm good too." she said.

"Really?" Reid smiled.

"Well, I haven't kicked my habit if that's what you mean, but I haven't got completely wasted in about a week." She explained.

"Oh, okay." Reid said, his smile falling.

"But you have kicked it?" she asked.

"Very nearly, yes. I'm on my last day or so of withdrawals, but I feel clean."

She nodded in understanding, "I've been there once. No offence but I wasn't sure you could do it. I'm glad you've made it this far. The toughest withdrawal days are over, now is where the strongest craving kick in. It's where I relapsed, and have been here ever since."

"Yeah, I know." he said glancing over at Hotch.

"You know, but your friends don't?"

Reid shrugged, "I haven't mentioned that to them. I don't want them to worry, or loose faith. But they may know that on their own."

"Just stay away from temptation and you'll do fine." she reassured him.

"Thank you." he said and then excused himself back to Hotch. "I think I'd like to sit in the courtroom with you guys. Feel like part of the team again, and not some witness or victim."

Hotch nodded, "I was hoping as much. Come on, let's go. The doors should be opening soon." Reid followed Hotch again out into the hall and down to the next set of doors. This time large double doors that would lead into the courtroom. There was a large crowd gathering outside the doors waiting to be let in and Reid almost wished he'd stayed behind. He stuck close to Hotch suddenly feeling uncomfortable. Hotch must have picked up on his fear because unexpectedly Reid felt a comforting hand on his shoulder. He forced himself to relax as they stood in a group with the team and waited.

Reid stayed silent during all conversation as nerves crept up on him. Walking down the isle in the courtroom only intensified his nerves. Everyone filed into the first row of seats on the right-hand side of the isle. Reid took the seat closest to the isle so that he could get up easily when it was his turn on the stand. As the day's events began Reid found himself clenching and unclenching his hands on his thighs. At one point Hotch leaned over and told him to relax, that he'd be fine.

He tried to take the advice to heart but was finding it hard as one-by-one the people he had been trapped in a room with took the stand to tell their tale. How they had been lured and captured varied, except for the common denominator of the stun-gun use to incapacitate them. The defence attorney's questions were rough and cold as he tried his best to make them crack or make it seem like it was somehow their fault. Each of them were also asked one specific question, "Did anyone, during the time of their confinement, use any drugs or alcohol?" the answer everyone gave, was "No."

As Jessica took the stand she spied Reid and gave him a smile. She began her recollection of the events, and spoke very adamantly about Reid's heroic and brave efforts to rescue them all. On cross examination she paid for it.

"You seem to have a close relationship with one of your fellow prisoners, Dr. Spencer Reid. Tell us about him. What's he like?" the defence attorney asked.

"Ask him yourself." Jessica replied, "He'll be up here too."

"Answer the question, Miss Goring." the Judge said to her.

She sighed, "He's a good man. Brave, like I said. Determined. No matter how grim it looked he wouldn't give up."

"And you've visited his place of residence, have you not?" she was asked.

Jessica frowned, wondering how in the world they would have found that out, "My boyfriend and I did, yes."

"And what did you do?"

"We talked. What's that have to do with his guilt?" she said, pointing to Chester Reynolds.

The attorney smiled and asked his famous question, "Did anyone, during the time of their confinement, use any drugs or alcohol?"

Jessica also replied with a "No."

"No further questions."

Jessica left the stand and excited to the right, through the door she came in that led to the waiting room. Reid watched her go and swallowed hard glanced at Hotch. Everyone was being asked the same question, and they were all lying on the stand. Reid knew he'd be asked the same thing, and on one hand he couldn't lie, but on the other he couldn't tell the truth in open court either. It was a huge problem that he didn't have time to dwell on because his name was being called.

He looked up and then stood. Taking in a deep breath he looked to his right, looking at each of his friends for silent encouragement, which they gave in abundance. Then he stepped up to the swivelling gate and was led across to the witness stand. They held out a bible to him which he placed his hand on and recited what they wanted him to, all the while musing that a bible was only worth it if the person believed.

Reid sat and was asked to give his account of the events. He talked about everything he deemed relevant, and told how while searching the main floor he was attacked by the defendant and knocked out, not waking until after he was in the basement room. He explained how the explosion woke him, and he tried to save one man's life but it was too late, and then how he led everyone out to safety.

When it was the defence's turn to ask questions the attorney stood and said, "If you were knocked out, how did you know it was my client who attacked you?"

"Because I wasn't knocked out right away. The first Taser hit stunned me pretty good, the second had me on my knees, and then I fell to the ground. I tried to reach for my gun at which point the defendant straddled my waist and spoke to me, said I'd look good in his collection. I got a pretty good look at him before he Tasered me a third time in the chest. That's when I blacked out." Reid explained.

"So while you were imprisoned in the basement, did anyone, yourself included, use drugs or alcohol?"

Reid tensed up and glanced at Hotch who averted his eyes, a silent signal, "N-no, not that I recall." Reid answered.

"Can you tell us why you were chosen to be part of this so-called collection?"

Reid shrugged, "Wrong place, wrong time, I assume."

Without warning Chester Reynolds stood up, "That's not true! You know why!" he shouted. "You're filth like all the others! Druggie scum! You should have died!"

The judge banged his gavel, "Control your client, Mr. Carpenter, or I will have him removed."

The defence attorney nodded and walked over to where Chester stood fuming. He whispered to him, and Chester argued back before finally giving in and sitting back down. Mr. Carpenter returned his attention to Reid, "Is any part of what my client said true?"

"Y-yes." Reid replied, knowing there were quite a few things it could refer to.

"Which part?"

"I should have died. We were all supposed to. Statistically we beat the odds, but he is right, I should have died." Reid replied, glancing at Gideon and the team with a small smile they all returned.

"So you're not a drug user?"

"No, sir."

"So the needle found in the corner of the room you were all held in with your DNA on it, _doesn't_ actually belong to you?"

Reid's heart skipped a beat, and his eyes widened. He recalled carelessly tossing it aside and forgetting about it, but now he remembered. One moment of negligence and everything crumbled. He frantically shifted his gaze to his team members, but each of them wore identical expressions that matched his own: shock with a touch of fear. Behind the cover of the stand Reid started wringing his hands nervously. His eyes darted around the room hoping for an answer to come from somewhere. He felt sick, and this time he was pretty sure it wasn't because of withdrawals. Reid was too engrossed in his own thoughts to notice the prosecutor demand to see this evidence, which he did and was forced to accept it. He didn't notice the smug look on Mr. Carpenter's face. And he only just barely heard the judge request he answer the question.

"Hmm? Oh… Um… It… It's probably mine, yes." Reid finally answered.

"I thought you said you weren't a drug user."

"I'm not." Reid replied, his voice shaky. "Not anymore."

"So you're clean?"

"Yes."

"For how long?"

Reid frowned, "One… one week."

"Only one week, and you expect us to believe you're a credible witness? That's a rhetorical question, you don't need to answer that."

Reid's frown deepened, "It may not seem like much for you, but I'd like to see you try it. Letting go of the drugs that have ruled your ever waking thought for so long is only accomplishable if you really want it. I wanted it. I've been trying to kick it for so long, since before this case. I may have only just accomplished it, but the only reason I used down in that basement was to save lives."

"Care to explain that reasoning?"

In all honestly Reid wanted to take back everything he'd just said, explaining it certainly wasn't on the top of his list. He sighed and continued wringing his hands out of view, "After waking up in the basement I couldn't think straight. I knew the only way to kick start my thought process was clear the cobwebs out of my brain. I took half a regular dose, just to take the edge off the withdrawals that were kicking in. I'd have been useless to everyone in that room if I hadn't done it. The withdrawals would have kicked in full force, and there's no way I could have moved, let alone form thoughts."

"So one week clean and you can honestly say you recall the events of that day as clearly as if you hadn't been using?"

"Yes. My memory hasn't been affected by my former drug use."

"And you no longer experience any cravings?"

Reid frowned, licked his lips, and glanced down, remaining silent. He was spared being required to answer as the defence attorney continued.

"Surely you must still crave your drug of choice? You remember how good it felt to use. Was it heroin?"

Reid shook his head, "D-Dilaudid."

"Which is pretty much the same thing as heroin, right? Drug Store Heroin, I believe is the street name."

A nod, and Reid focused on his hands.

"So I've done my research. I know the feelings it gives you. The bliss, the pure ecstasy, as it crawls through your veins. Fire and ice, pins and needles, lust and desire. It makes you feel alive. Gives you the best sensations you've ever experienced. And you've given it up completely?"

Hotch wanted to jump up and yell "Objection!" but he knew that was no longer his place. He wanted to throw something at the prosecutor's head and make him do his job, but that would only cause trouble. Instead he was forced to share worried looks with the team beside him as he continued to watch Reid carefully, and listen to what we being said.

Reid nodded, still looking down, "I have."

"Completely? I'm finding that hard to believe Dr. Reid."

The judge finally cut in, "Your point, Mr. Carpenter?"

"Credibility, Your Honour. This is supposed to be the prosecutor's best victim witness, and he's no better off than any of the others, with the exception of Mr. McGinnis the wife beater, and Mrs. Dickens the adulteress. If he's still addicted to his drugs the jury should be aware that his testimony isn't worth anything more than anyone else's." he said.

The judge thought over this information for a moment and then nodded, "Fine, carry on."

Hotch was appalled. How could this type of questioning be allowed? It wasn't right. He tried not to let his frustration show, but somehow his hands ended up in fists. He didn't notice until Gideon's hand rested on it and words were whispered in his ear, "There's nothing we can do. We'll talk to him after."

Mr. Carpenter turned back to Reid, "Where was I? Right, you've supposedly quit, can you prove it?"

Reid looked up and frowned, completely unsure of how he was supposed to do that. "N-no. I don't think so." he replied, his mind going into overdrive to figure out how he could prove it.

"Let's try a little experiment shall we? Close your eyes."

Reid looked confused, "Why?"

"I'm the one asking the questions, Dr. Reid. And as there has been no objection, you're going to do as I ask. Close your eyes."

This wasn't right. Reid knew this wasn't right. This shouldn't be happening. This shouldn't be allowed. He closed his eyes anyway.

"Hold out your hands."

He did, and something cool was placed in it. He cupped his hands and cradled the item, he knew its shape well. And the temperature of it was unmistakable. A phial of his precious liquid. He wasn't sure how one had managed to find its way to his hands, but now that it was here he didn't want to let it go. He licked his lips and started to rock ever so slightly back and forth. Hardly noticeable, but it calmed him. He had to calm down, he was being watched, he couldn't let his need show. This was how he would pass the test. This was how he had to show he wasn't addicted.

Something else placed in his hands now along side the phial. It was easily identified as a needle. He heard the voice of Mr. Carpenter whisper in his ear, "Go on. Do it. It's obvious you want to."

And it was true, he did want to. He could feel ever fibre of his being screaming at him to indulge. Go back to the life where he actually felt alive. Where he felt he was wanted for reasons other than his brain. Where he didn't have to constantly be fearful that one wrong move might be his last. He wanted freedom. He wanted to fly. He wanted to laugh. He wanted to curl up where no one could find him, phial in one hand, needle in the other. A perfect life. No one and nothing else was needed.

He licked his lips once more and felt a groan working its way up from his gut. He had to hold it in, he couldn't let it show. It had to be his little secret. He bit down on his bottom lip as he felt a tear course down his cheek. Too late now. Now it would show clear as day on his face. His secret yearnings out for the world to see in a tear drop.

Hotch listened as Reid was asked if he could prove he was clean. As Reid said no Hotch sighed. There were many ways, but Reid obviously wasn't thinking clearly. He watched closely as Reid's eyes seemed to glaze slightly, and he bowed his head. The prosecutor began his barrage of words again, describing to Reid what a phial would feel like, and what the syringe would be like, how good it all must feel, but Hotch knew Reid wasn't hearing a word of it. He knew that look, he knew Reid was lost somewhere in his own head. Hotch's only hope was that whatever Reid had going through his head was better than the reality.

Getting no reply to his tantalizing array of words, Mr. Carpenter took in Reid's appearance. A single tear that had trailed down the young man's face made him smile. "Am I making you uncomfortable, Doctor?" Again there was no reply, and so he decided to call it quits. "Nothing further." he said walking back to his seat.

Reid didn't move from his, even as he was excused. The courtroom fell still, and in the stillness the minor back and forth motion could be noticed. No one was exactly sure what to do, so once more Reid was told he could step down. Hotch was about to stand and ask if he could approach when Reid snapped his head up. His eyes were wide, almost wild, and he frantically searched his surroundings until he realised he was allowed to get up and leave. As that realization struck him he stood and nearly bolted for the side door to the waiting area.

As he came through the door all eyes were on him. He noticed Jessica, and as their eyes met her face fell into one of disappointment. She knew that look. That desperation. So she knew what was on his mind. Reid looked away from her and walked across the room to the opposite corner where there was some space to move about. He took his phone off his belt and paced back and forth, breathing heavily. His thumb on his right hand hovered over the number '7', while his left arm was crossed over his chest, with his left hand hold into the back of his neck.

As he paced towards the wall a voice behind him made him pause and turn around. Hotch had stood up and briskly walked down the isle and out of the courtroom, and was now standing looking at his youngest colleague. "Reid." he said, and Reid slowly turned to face him. He noticed the phone in Reid's hand and his withdrawn defensive posture. "Reid, I know what you're thinking. I know how hard that must have been…"

"Do you?" Reid whispered. His voice lacked any emotion so it was hard to tell if he was being genuine or condescending.

"Maybe not physically, but I can take a pretty good guess." Hotch said. He was joined by Gideon sliding up behind him.

"Everyone else is coming, they just need to find appropriate times to sneak out." Gideon whispered to Hotch.

Hotch nodded and continued, "Reid, you did good in there. You did everything you were supposed to."

"But I failed. I wasn't the person the prosecution was hoping for. They didn't even try to defend me in there."

"No they didn't," Hotch said, "and that was wrong of them. It had nothing to do with you though."

"Yes it did." Reid said, his expression sad and lost. "Because he's right, I am filth. Nothing more than druggie scum, and that's all I ever will be." He looked back down at his phone as Morgan slipped into the room.

"Spencer," Gideon started, "that's not true. You're more than that to us. A lot more. We're a family, Spencer, you know that."

"Every family has their black sheep." Reid replied, still looking at his phone.

"Reid, if you make that phone call," Hotch warned, "you won't have a job to come back to."

Reid looked up, "Useless threat, Hotch. What happened in there, word will get out, Strauss will find out, and I won't have a job anyway. May as well leave on my own terms."

"No Reid, I can still fix this, even if she finds out, but I can't fix it if you make that call." Hotch said.

"Maybe I don't want a job anymore. These last weeks have been alright you know. It's nice to not have to do anything for once. Live my life my way, and not have to follow orders all the time."

"Reid, kid, come on. Just put the phone away or give it to Hotch. You don't want to go down that path again." Morgan added his voice into the mix.

"What other path is there? Hotch, I know you're just saying what you think I want to hear, but you're lying. You can't fix this. Once Strauss finds out I'm done. My time as an agent will be over, and I don't want to give her the glory of firing me." As he spoke Prentiss slid into the room.

"Reid, don't do this, man." Morgan said, as the other two men simultaneously spoke.

Hotch simply said, "Reid."

While Gideon opted for, "Spencer."

Reid looked at them all and shook his head, "I won't let her humiliate me like that! I won't!" He paused for a moment meeting each of their gazes before he simply said, "I quit."

Prentiss let out an involuntary gasp, "Reid, no…"

"I'm sorry. It'll be better this way. Trust me."

Morgan was shaking his head, "How is this better Reid? Explain it too me."

"Now none of you have to feel obligated to look out for me. You can move on with your lives, forget about me if that'll make it easier. Or don't, your choice. But this way it's not a requirement that you care."

Everyone stood in shock as Reid backed himself into a corner and then crouched down on the floor, his gaze resting on his phone again. Garcia was next in the room, after looking at Reid in the corner her next observation was the defeated look ok Morgan's face. She stepped up between him and Prentiss, "What happened to our angel?"

Morgan just shook his head in shock so Prentiss replied, "He just quit, and is very close to calling his dealer."

"Oh my god." Garcia whispered, looking over at Reid.

Reid chewed his lower lip severely, glancing up at the gathered members of his now former team only once before, looking at his phone again. He felt so tired and drained suddenly, he really needed a hit to wake up his brain. He closed his eyes, another lone tear trailing down his cheek, as he pressed down on the '7' key.

* * *

**A/N2: /runs off to sleep and to prepare herself for hatemail.../**


	29. An Old Friend

Chapter 29: An Old Friend

They watched Reid crouched in the corner, and as he pressed a button on his phone and then lifted it to his ear their hearts sank. Morgan found his voice again, but it was weak, "Reid, man, don't do this… Please."

Reid didn't seem to have heard what he said, finally removing his left hand from his neck and running his fingers through his hair. The phone seemed to ring for ages, and he wondered perhaps if the number was no longer in use. He rocked slightly, chewing on his nails, eyes darting around the room. When the ringing stopped, and he was greeted with silence, he froze. He swallowed hard, his breath catching in his throat. Nothing was coming out of his mouth, but he could hear the steady breathing on the other end. He had to say something but his mind had gone blank.

He leaned his head back, resting it in the corner, gripping at his hair with his left hand. Tears started streaking in more frequent intervals down his cheeks as he closed his eyes. Why was he doing this? He knew he was throwing away everything, but he also knew what he desired wasn't completely out of reach, he just had to speak. However if he spoke he was afraid he'd get sick.

"Spencer," Gideon's soft voice directly in front of him. "You can still give me the phone, and we can pretend this never happened."

Reid swallowed, eyes remaining shut, "Go…" he whispered and then licked his lips. "Go away Gideon. Please. Leave me alone."

Gideon sighed, "Spencer, you're so close, don't give up hope now."

At the same time Gideon spoke a voice came over the phone in Reid's ear, "Ah, I thought it might be you. You took a while to call, I was afraid you were stronger than I anticipated." Reid ignored the voice.

"I haven't given up hope; I've just seen the reality of the situation." Reid said. "I need to accept the cards I was dealt."

"That's not true, Spencer. This isn't a situation where an analogy like that applies. You can still fight this, and return to your old self again."

Reid choked down a sob, "That's just it, Gideon, I don't want to be 'my old self' anymore. I don't want to be that sad, lonely, person again."

"And this is better?" Gideon asked.

"It's the only other option."

"No it's not, and you know that. We can continue working through this together." Gideon said.

There was a pause before Reid looked Gideon in the eye, "You'll never leave me?"

"Never."

Reid nodded and then pushed off the wall to stand, "Then I'm sorry, but I have to do this." He pushed passed Gideon who had stood with him, only to be faced with other concerned team members. "I'm sorry." he mumbled and tried to locate another part of the room that was occupied, though it seemed all eyes were on him. He walked passed a couch and everyone else in the room seemed to move out of his way without hesitation. He found a nice open area he could pace in, the couch serving as a barrier between him and the team.

Once again the voice on the other end of the phone piped up, "Well as entertaining as that conversation was, I'm a busy man rebuilding lost facilities and such, are you still there?"

"Yes…" Reid croaked, "Yes I'm still here. How… how soon?"

"Perhaps in an hour I might have someone free." Alex Connors said.

"No, I want… I want Tamesis."

"Who?" Connors asked.

"S-Seven. Or he was number Seven before."

Connors smirked, "Ah him… Yes, I suppose I can make him available. Same place, in an hour."

"N-no, somewhere new, _they_ know that place," he glanced over at Gideon who was looking completely at a loss, "and… and make sure he's free for the rest of the day."

The chuckled made Reid want to throw up, "As you wish. The alley on 67th next to the bank?"

"Perfect." he replied and then hung up. Reid looked at his team members, and then started for the door which was being blocked by them. When he stepped passed Morgan he felt a strong hand grab his arm. He looked down at it, and then up at Morgan. "Don't touch me." he said firmly.

"Reid… Why?" Morgan asked.

"Let me go… now." Reid said, because truthfully he couldn't answer that question. When Morgan didn't comply fast enough he pulled his arm free and turned back to the door. Prentiss was next to it, but not blocking his path.

"Reid, we were supposed to go out and celebrate your success tonight. Have fun, and relax. An evening doing everything you want to do. You gonna cancel on us?" she said.

"Not really. I'm still going to have an evening doing everything I want to do. The only difference is you're not invited." Without another word he pulled open the door and rushed out, nearly knocking down JJ on his way. He didn't even pause to apologize, merely mumbling "67th next to the bank." under his breath.

JJ's jaw dropped as she watched him go, and then looked at the stunned team gathered in the room. "What did I miss?"

* * *

Reid rushed out of the building as fast as he could without drawing too much more attention to himself. By the street he hailed a cab and got in, "Just drive, I'll tell you where in a moment." As the cab started to move he glanced out the window behind him to see if he'd been followed, and he hadn't. A part of him was disappointed, but another part felt relieved. With a deep sigh he dialled his dealer one more time; the ringing didn't seem to take as long this time, and he answered the silence with, "Same place as usual, I just… just needed to throw them off."

"I'll make the arrangements." Alexander replied before hanging up again.

Reid sighed and told the taxi driver where to go, leaning his head back against the headrest.

* * *

The team filled JJ in on what had just happened and by the time they were done she had a hand over her mouth in shock. "Oh my gosh. I… I should have tried to get in here sooner, but there wasn't a moment I could get away. I should have been here to help… I could have…"

Hotch shook his head, "There's nothing you could have done. No more than anything else we already did."

"But maybe I could have…"

"No." Hotch said. "We did all we could. He's gone to get more drugs, we can't stop him."

"But..."

"No buts, JJ. It's over. Let him go."

"We can't just let him go! Look he was mumbling an address when he left." JJ said. "67th – something. If that's where he's going we can stop him before he gets it."

"We don't know where on 67th it is, JJ." Hotch said.

Morgan frowned and then nodded slowly, "There's a large drug community on 67th just outside the downtown core. That's our best bet. We should all hit the streets there." He looked over at Hotch for confirmation.

Hotch sighed, he couldn't deny he wanted to do something, but he no longer believed Reid wanted to be helped. Finally he nodded, "We'll split up and take the most likely areas. Gideon and Morgan take the area off the bus station, Garcia and Prentiss can check out the alleys near the corner of 67th and 59th, and JJ and I will check around the park. Call each other if we find anything. Understood."

Everyone nodded and paired up, except for Garcia who said, "Sir, I'm not a field agent. Are you sure about this?"

Hotch nodded once, "This is no longer business. It's personal. This is Reid we're talking about; it's going to take every one of us to find him and help him."

"Right. Got it." Garcia replied, and then the group broke away out into the parking lot to drive to their respective locations along 67th on the outer edge of the downtown core.

In their SUV, with Morgan behind the wheel, Gideon suddenly said, "Turn here."

"Why?" Morgan asked, doing it anyway. "This isn't the way to 67th."

"I know that. He's not going to be there. Hotch said it, this is Reid we're talking about. He's smart. He made sure we heard him making other arrangements to meet, and that JJ heard the address as he left; he's throwing us off his trail. He'll be at the usual place, just down from his house." Gideon explained.

"We should call the others." Morgan said.

"No, not until we've found him."

Morgan sighed but carried on driving, waiting to be told where to go next.

* * *

Reid pointed to the mouth of the alley and then passed a few bills across to pay the fare. He got out and checked his watch, he was early. Scanning the alley he couldn't see Tamesis yet, which proved his watch wasn't off. He slid into the alley and found a nice spot to pace, wringing his hands together while he thought. After a while he noticed a tingling feeling between his shoulder blades that he couldn't shake. He rolled his shoulders and neck to try and loosen up but that didn't help. He glanced around and then shook his head, opting to ignore it.

He continued to pace for almost 25 more minutes before he saw a form walking towards him from the other end of the alley. He couldn't stop the smile spreading on his face as he watched Tamesis step closer. Reid walked up to him and took him by the arm, starting to walk back the way he came, "Do you have somewhere we could go?"

"What's your rush, tiger?" Tamesis asked?

"I can't shake the feeling I'm being watched. Can we go please?"

"Sure, alright, whatever you want. You've got me till midnight." He said as they started walking back down the alley.

* * *

Gideon and Morgan pulled up near the alley, and killed the engine. They could see Reid clearly pacing a small line, hands twisting against each other. They both sighed with relief. "Call Hotch and Prentiss, tell them where we are, and that we have eyes on him." Gideon said.

"We should just go get him now."

"No, we can't force him to do anything. He needs to be given a choice, and his choice hasn't arrived yet."

Morgan nodded and made the calls, before speaking to Gideon again, "It's going to take them about 30 minutes to make it through traffic, do we have that long?"

"I don't know. We'll see." Gideon replied, and rather reluctantly they both settled down to watch. They noticed the signs that Reid could sense them watching him, but he didn't spot them.

Morgan kept checking his watch. "The others should be here soon." he said rubbing his temples with his eyes closed.

"We don't have enough time for 'soon', we need to move now." Gideon said opening the door and getting out.

Morgan followed suit and they ran across the street to the alley. "Reid!" Morgan called out as they ran passed the mouth of the alley.

Reid froze, and nearly stopped breathing. Tamesis stopped and looked at Reid and then looked behind them to the two men. "Can we help you fine gentlemen?"

Reid has a total fear in his eyes as he mumbled, "I knew it."

Tamesis was ignored as Gideon spoke, "Spencer, turn around and look at us. Please."

Reid took a breath and turned, "What do you want now?"

"You can still walk away from this, Spencer." Gideon said.

"I thought I made it clear I don't want to walk away from this." Reid said.

Morgan sighed, "I know you don't mean that, Reid. I know you."

Reid closed his eyes and sighed, "I can understand Gideon showing up here, but you? Why are you here? I released you from all obligations."

"You think I feel obligated to be here, man? I'm here because even outside of work we're a family. None of us want to loose you."

"Then where's the rest of the gang?"

"They're on their way, Spencer. They'll be here soon." Gideon replied. "Are you going to come with us, or go with him?"

"I don't… I don't want to go with you. I don't want to go home. Not yet. Just give me time to sort things out, until then leave me alone, okay?" Reid said and then looked over at Tamesis, "Let's go."

Tamesis cocked his head to the side, "I've never seen anyone with what you've got. I'd kill for that, and you're gonna give it all up?"

"Whose side are you on?" Reid asked.

Tamesis held up his hands in defence, "You're the boss for the night, I was just saying."

"Well stop talking and let's go." He took a couple steps down the alley before he stopped again and looked back at his former team mates. "And if either of you follow me, I swear you'll regret it."

Gideon and Morgan watched him go. Gideon's eyes were wet with unshed tears as he stood still. As soon as Reid was out of site Morgan swore loudly and found the nearest brick wall t hit with his fist, breaking the skin on his knuckles wide open. The blood dripped down his hand, but he didn't feel any pain. Or at least the pain didn't override the already predominant pain in his soul.

Squeals of tires alerted them to the arrival of two other SUV's carrying the rest of the team. Morgan felt Garcia's soft, gentle, hands on his arms, and he wanted to push her away but he couldn't. He heard Hotch's voice somewhere behind him, but kept his eyes on the wall.

"Where is he? What happened?"

Morgan couldn't bring himself to say anything, so he was relieved when Gideon spoke. "He's gone. He left."

"Where?"

"I don't know where. He just left. He…" Gideon looked lost.

There were many moments of silence before Garcia said, "What do we do now?"

Hotch shrugged, defeated, "I don't know."

There were many moments of silence before Morgan turned to Gideon, "Give me his keys. I'm gonna wait at his place until he comes home. I want to make sure he makes it home alright." Or more accurately; alive


	30. One Wild Ride

**A/N: Yes there's a bit of slash in this chapter. Here's how it's gonna work... Those that don't want to read the slash, can read up to the page break (like what separates this AN from the chapter) hopefully without a problem... then you can skip down to the next page break and continue from there... (though you will miss some important info (in my opinion) but I'm givng you that option anyway. Don't want to upset anyone or make anyone uncomfortable. Okay? Sound good? Enjoy!**

* * *

Chapter 30: One Wild Ride

It reminded Reid of a cave, small, dark, and a little dank, but according to Tamesis it was home away from home. A rundown abandoned basement one-room apartment that he'd lived in since he was fifteen. Reid let his eyes adjust to the dark as Tamesis lit a few candles and an oil lamp, the only light sources since power no longer ran through this building.

"Why would you live here?" Reid asked.

"Why wouldn't I? It was cheap… okay it was free… Where else was a fifteen year old kid supposed to go where he wouldn't automatically be sent back to his 'family'? I found this place and called it home until I got into business with the boss man a couple years later." Tamesis replied. "He set me up with a nice place at one of his compounds, but this is where I do any of my, erm, extracurricular activities. Besides, it'll always be special to me here; where I got my freedom."

Reid raised a brow as he sat down on the bare mattress, "But you're not really free are you. _He_ owns you."

"Yeah, I guess you're right in a sense, but I probably would have died on the streets a long time ago if it hadn't been for him."

"How… How long have you worked for him?" Reid asked.

Tamesis had to think for a moment before he replied, "Three years, almost four."

"Three years? That would make you… 20?"

"Yep, 21 at Christmas. You look shocked?"

"I thought… I thought you were older." Reid said.

"Have to mature quickly on the streets… I get that a lot."

There was a moment of awkward silence before Reid looked up at Tamesis. "You have it?" he asked.

Tamesis nodded, "Right here." He reached into his pocket but Reid quickly shook his head.

"No! No… keep it there… I don't want it. I mean I don't want to see it. I just want to know it's there."

Tamesis shrugged out of his jacket, "Alright, saving it for later, I'm cool with that." He let his jacket drop gently to the ground and then he stepped over to Reid, a sly glint in his eye as he sat down next to him. "Take your coat off, stay a while." he said, placing a hand on Reid's knee causing Reid to jump.

"N-n-no that's okay, I'm f-fine." Reid replied, moving his knee away from Tamesis' grasp.

"You're going to have to loosen up sometime, or we're not going to have any fun here." Tamesis said, leaning in to plant a kiss behind Reid's ear.

Reid pushed him away, "Stop it! That's not why I'm here."

Tamesis looked confused, "Why else would you be here?"

"I just want to talk… or something… I don't know." Reid sighed. "I just needed to get away for a while."

"Talk? What's there to talk about?"

Reid looked up at Tamesis with a frown, "Let's start with 'why'?"

"Why what?"

"Why me? When I first met you, why did you make me do what you did?"

Tamesis shrugged, "You're cute, and I wanted a blow job. Figured you'd be willing given the right leverage. And you were."

Reid closed his eyes, disgusted, "No other reason?"

"Probably not, I don't really remember. Was just one small blip on the radar, you know? You looked the type, looked like my type, so I jumped on the chance. It wasn't anything personal."

"So you just used me?" Reid asked, looking at his shoes.

"I like to think of it as, we used each other. We both got something out of the deal, so no harm no foul, right?"

Reid closed his eyes again, feeling slightly sick, but at the same time almost relieved. The memory was making him feel ill, but the relief was present because in some perverse way Reid felt like it had been fair. He hadn't been forced into anything, he far from enjoyed it, and would never do it again, but he'd had a choice. Some stupid thing to just chalk up to experience and forget about it if he could. "Right." Reid replied.

There were more moments of awkward silence, but this time it was broken by Tamesis, "So, tell me about them. You're friends."

Reid looked over at him, "They're what I wanted to avoid by coming here. I don't want to talk about them."

Tamesis sighed, "Alright. I've just never had anyone show they care about me like that. Must be nice."

"Right now it's annoying." Reid said. "I just want them to leave me alone. Let me make my own decisions, for once."

"No matter how self-destructive those decisions are…" Tamesis mumbled.

Reid shot a glare at him, "You don't get it. I've never had a chance to just be me. I've been moulded and formed and shaped into the ideal person everyone else wants me to be all my life. I just want to figure out who I am without outside pressures."

Tamesis fought down a laugh, "Teenage angst in a 25 year old? Suddenly it all makes sense." When Reid didn't reply he continued, "You're right, I don't get it. I wish I could get it, so humour me, tell me about them."

Reid sighed and reluctantly agreed. He talked about how the members of the team were like a surrogate family since he'd never had siblings and neither of his parents were really there anymore, whether physically or mentally. A surrogate family complete with all the annoying parts as well as the good. They vacationed together, spent many weekends together, even on days they weren't working. So much time was spent together it was hard to have a separate life, and it was nearly impossible to keep secrets for any length of time. "I managed to keep my drug use a secret for longer than I thought I would, but then I got shot and I had to tell them. The first things they said were that we'd get through it, that they'd help me get clean. No one asked me if that was what I wanted to do, and if they had I wouldn't have been able to answer. I didn't want to be living in a lie like that, so I wanted to stop using, but once it was no longer a secret the will to quit just wasn't there anymore. No matter what I do they'll always be there, doing whatever they can to help, so I may as well live the way I want to, and not the way they want me to."

Tamesis looked at Reid with a nod. Seconds of silence ticked by once more before he sighed and asked, "I'm not going to get laid tonight, am I?"

Reid's jaw dropped. "No you're not! At least not from me! Christ, you're just a kid!"

"I'm not a kid!" Tamesis retorted. "I've seen more ass and dick and tits than you ever will!"

"That's not what I meant! I meant… Uhg, I don't know… Nothing against you, you don't seem half bad when it comes right down to it, but I'm not like that. And even if I were you'd be too young for my personal tastes. That's all…" Reid sighed, "I just want to relax, and live a little."

Tamesis nodded and stood, walking over to his jacket he took out two labelled phials and showed them to Reid, "And this is the way you want to live?"

Reid's heart skipped a beat and his breath caught in his throat. He swallowed hard and licked his lips before nodding. Tamesis tossed one of the phials to him, the other he stepped forward and placed on the small table next to the bed. Reid let the weight and feel of the phial sit in his hand as he closed his eyes, taking it all in again. He felt whole again, complete, reunited with a long-lost twin; two halves of the same soul. Just this was enough to get his blood racing; he couldn't image what it would be like when he finally indulged. He opened his eyes and looked at Tamesis, a faraway glaze in his expression. "I don't have any… stuff…"

"Any rigs?" Tamesis asked, and Reid nodded numbly, "I think I may have a handful." He opened the second drawer on the small table and Reid glanced at it contents. Tin foil, a spoon, a package of straws, a package of cotton balls, a crack pipe, and finally a few packaged syringes just the way he liked them. Tamesis took them out and placed them on the table, handing one to Reid. "This is all I have to use them wisely."

There were about four on the table, plus the one in his hand, so Reid shook his head, "I don't think I'll be using more than one… You… You do all those?" he asked referring to the various paraphernalia in the drawer.

Tamesis shook his head, "No, I don't do any. I just always try to have things on hand if anyone I bring by needs it. I have my own addiction, but it's not drugs." Reid nodded and then looked around. Tamesis smiled, "Would you like my belt?"

"Hmm?"

"To tie your arm off. It's the best I've got. Sorry." Tamesis said, reaching for his belt buckle.

Reid nodded and took off his coat before accepting Tamesis' help in tightening the belt around his arm. He readied the needle, drawing up 2cc's and then noticed Tamesis' raised brow. "What?"

"That's it? Most people use more, maybe closer to 5." he shrugged, "Just saying."

Reid paused and then shrugged as well, "Why not." he mumbled, taking in 3cc's more. He laid back on the mattress a bit, setting the needle against his skin and then slowly inserting it. The small sharp pain was something he was used to by now so he hardly flinched. He injected the drug with a calm precision, and then Tamesis took the rig from him, setting it aside and loosened the fit on the belt.

Reid let the drug take over his whole being, flopping down on the bed completely. Intoxicating didn't even begin to cover the rush he got. Tingling all over his body as his blood started to heart up and charge through his system, igniting every nerve ending as it passed. Once again he felt like he was on fire. He tilted his head back, closed his eyes, and just let it happen. There was no stopping the sensations, even if he wanted to. The unadulterated pleasure made him want to scream. Every touch intensified, and yet muted, as if he wasn't really lying on the bed at all, but floating just above it.

Phantom hands brushed against him; they might have been his own, or they might not have even been there at all, he wasn't sure, and quite honestly he didn't care. He didn't stop the phantom hands from doing whatever it was they planned to do. He felt free, cool air across his chest heating on contact with his skin. If it were possible for the air in this room to turn to steam when it touched his skin he was certain now would be the time it would happen, the blood under his skin and below his waist reaching the boiling point. If the air circulating down there wasn't steam, there was something wrong with the laws of physics.

That was when it happened. Reid gasped, not completely sure of what had taken hold of him, but it was different from all his other experiences with this powerful drug. This new sensation took him places he'd never reached. He cried out, suddenly needing the release the drug gave him to come sooner. The bliss was overtaking his senses, confusing his mind, but he only wanted more. How he'd missed this experience before he wasn't sure, but it was the most gripping, intense, phenomenon he'd have had the pleasure of experiencing. He needed the release it would bring, but at the same time he didn't want it to end.

After a couple short minutes of gasps and spasms he couldn't control the relief came. His whole body tensing and then relaxing, one right after the other. He kept his eyes shut, not willing to open them to the reality of the room he was in. He tried to regulate his breathing but it wasn't happening. He wanted to find out where Tamesis went, but doing anything other than falling into a deep sleep was out of the question. He was so tired, he felt weak now that the initial rush had passed. He fought the slumber for nearly a minute before he passed out from the sheer satisfaction of it all.

* * *

Tamesis stood up from the bed and sat down on the floor, back to the wall, watching Reid as the drug overtook him. He hugged his knees to his chest and stared, mumbling to himself, "Don't do it. Not to him, he's too good, too kind. You can resist it." He licked his lips watching as Reid tilted his head back, practically begging to be taken. He closed his eyes, rocking slightly, but it didn't help. Now he had imagined images in his head which were stronger than the reality. He opened his eyes again, groaning in frustration. He had to do it. He just had to.

He stood and stepped towards Reid, a darkness, a shadow, lurking just behind his eyes. Everyone had their vices, their addictions, this was his. He cautiously undid each of the buttons on Reid's shirt, watching his eyes for any change in clarity but there was none. Reid was living in another world it seemed. He pushed aside the folds of the shirt and slowly ran his fingers down Reid's chest, swallowing hard. He forced himself to take deep breaths as he worked on the button on Reid's slacks. He bit down on his lip, whimpering. He needed this, he had to do it, and Reid wouldn't even notice, so it was okay right?

He took a deep breath, eyes focusing on Reid's face again, or more precisely his chin. He took Reid in his hand, noting the reaction coming from Reid as he started with slow even strokes. Tamesis bit down hard on his lower lip, nearly causing it to bleed. He couldn't stop now, he couldn't look away and pretend he wasn't doing it; the only option left was to enjoy it. So he did. He forced himself to relax and take in the experience. The friction of his hand against soft skin made him smile and he quickened it just slightly.

Time passed and Tamesis continued his act, watching every gasp and moan with a sense of delight. As Reid cried out one final time Tamesis smiled, pleased. He removed his hand and took three steps to the kitchen counter across the small room, ripping off and piece of paper towel to clean up with. He kept his eyes on Reid as he slipped into sleep. Probably for the better as it gave Tamesis time to redress him.

When he was finished he sat down on the couch, five steps away, and curled up to relive what he had just done.

* * *

Reid stirred and sat up slowly, he blinked and then spotted Tamesis walking towards him. "What happened?"

Tamesis shrugged, "I don't know. Must have been one wild ride to have knocked you out like that."

Reid rubbed at his eyes, noticing the belt still hung loosely on his arm, "Yeah, I guess so. Actually I know so. It was…" he breathed, "It was amazing. Never quite been like that before."

Tamesis picked up the phial and another syringe, "Want to go again?"

Reid frowned, "I shouldn't."

"But you do want to?"

Reid nodded, "Yeah…"

"Then let yourself go. That's what this is about right? Not having to answer to anyone, and doing what feels good."

Reid nodded again and took the objects from Tamesis' hands. Tamesis tightened the belt again and stepped back as Reid loaded himself up again, injected, and let the world slip away. He only stepped forward to loosen the belt before he backed up into the wall and slid down to the floor.

"Not twice in one night. Not twice in one night to the same person. Just look away." he told himself. He curled up on his side and faced the wall, mentally punishing himself for what he had done earlier. It wasn't right, he knew it wasn't right, but he'd done it anyway. He wouldn't do it again, at least not tonight. It was one thing when the other person willingly complied, but this had been low even for him. He pulled his knees close and before he knew it he had tears in his eyes and trickling down his face, though he didn't make a sound. He wouldn't let his weakness show, not to anyone. Not ever.

* * *

**A/N2: For those that didn't get it... Tamesis' addiction is sexual acts... giving... receiving... doesn't make much of a difference to him. He just feels compelled to do it.  
Poor bunny...  
Now, Read & Review my lovlies!!**


	31. Accidents Can Happen

**A/N: Well, this is also a part of something I've been working towards since around my trip to Hungary and England.  
I don't know how many of you know of, or have heard, The Heroin Diaries Sountrack by Sixx:A.M. but it has been a huge inspiration for me, and the songs paint lovely images in my head. And so I have decided to use every song off the album as the basis for a chapter, I will of course tweak it to my liking, but essentially what happens in the songs will happen in the chapter. Each chapter will have the title of the song as it's title. There might be a couple I can't make work, but I'm gonna try! So there are at least 12 chapters after this one, plus however many I write just to progress the story to the next main point. Snippits of the lyrics will also be included.  
I hope you all enjoy! And I supremely recommend listening to the song that goes with the chapter while you read. It'll make it that much more powerful. Trust me.  
Cheers!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds, or The Heroin Diaries, in any way. They're just lovely sources of inspiration.**

* * *

_Don't give up, it takes a while  
I have seen this look before  
And it's alright, you're not alone  
If you don't love this anymore_

_I hear that you've slipped again  
I'm here 'cause I know you'll need a friend_

_And you know that accidents can happen  
And it's okay, we all fall off the wagon sometimes  
It's not your whole life, it's only one day  
You haven't thrown everything away._

* * *

Chapter 31: Accidents Can Happen

Reid stumbled down the street with his head down, one hand on the wall next to him, whenever there was one. He thought about the last few hours and what had happened. He'd woken up after his second hit in Tamesis' hole; the candles and oil lamp had burnt low and at first Reid was scared until it all came back to him. He'd placed a hand on his forehead and groaned with a slight smile.

Next he'd looked over and saw Tamesis curled on the floor and frowned, "Tame?"

Tamesis rolled over with a smirk, "I'm far from tame, Spencer."

"You can call me Reid, if you'd rather. What are you doing down there?" His frown deepened.

"I didn't figure you'd like it if I'd joined you." Tamesis replied honestly.

"Hmm, and you'd probably be right there, but you have a couch." Reid said.

"Perhaps I just like the coldness and firmness of the cement floor."

As Tamesis moved to get up Reid lay back flat on the bed again, "Why did I do that?"

"Because it was fun?"

"But now my head hurts and I can't see straight."

"Well, there's always going to be consequences for every action."

"I don't know if I can move, let alone walk. I'm so… numb."

Tamesis looked at his watch, "Hate to say you're going to have to, but I need to be back by midnight or I'll get locked out."

"Oh…" Reid pushed himself into a sitting position and it made his head spin.

Tamesis frowned, "Are you going to be alright?"

Reid nodded, "Yeah, I'll be fine. I think I just need to eat something. I'll have something when I get home."

When Reid stood at the door Tamesis asked him once again, "Are you sure you'll be alright to walk?"

"Yes, yes I'll be fine. It's not that far."

"Ok well, if you need anything, or if you just want to talk," he grabbed a pen and scrap of paper off a table near the door and scribbled something down, "here's my personal cell number. You can bypass The Boss man and come straight to me. For anything."

Reid nodded and tucked the paper into his pocket, next to his two new phials, "Thank you. I'll be sure to remember that."

Tamesis smiled, "Happy Halloween, Reid."

And that was why he was alone and stumbling down the street his apartment building was located on. He didn't quite feel he had control of his limbs yet, so walking didn't come easily, but he made progress just the same. Ten minutes to midnight and he was letting himself in the doors and pressing the button for the elevator. The ride seemed slower than usual, but that could have just been his perception of things. Whatever the case, it gave him time to close his eyes against the harsh bright lights and lean against the wall.

The bing sound just before the doors opened on his floor was far too loud in his opinion and he groaned at it before stepping out into the hall. Still using the wall for support he made it to his door and fumbled with his keys, trying to get the key, which seemed far too big for the hole, to go where he asked. "Come on, you've fit in there before." he mumbled to himself. When the key finally slid into the lock, and he turned it, he felt an overwhelming sense of success.

He opened the door and let himself in, pausing only to hang his keys on the rarely used key hook and take off his jacket, before walking down the hall to get to the kitchen. When he got to the end of the hall he frowned, noticing Morgan sitting on his couch looking at him expectantly. Reid rubbed his brow, his temples, and his eyes, "Please tell me you're not actually here." He opened his eyes again and Morgan was standing and stepping towards him.

"I'm here. I needed to make sure you got home alright. Another half hour and I'd have been making some phone calls."

Reid dropped back against the nearest wall so that he didn't have to stand straight, "Sorry about that, really. Had I known I had a curfew I would have called. But I'm here now, I'm okay, you can go. How'd you get in here anyway?"

"Gideon gave me his key." Morgan said.

"Ah, well, you can give that back to me now, and let him know that he abused his privilege so he won't be getting it back."

"Don't take your anger out on him. I asked for the keys, he didn't offer."

"He still shouldn't have given them to you. Did it ever occur to you there's a reason only certain people have keys to get in here?"

"Because your building contract says you can only give out two other pass cards to the building's main doors, and one extra key to your apartment to someone who's not immediate family. However as many keys as you like can be given out to immediate family." Morgan looked at him flatly, "You told us that when you first moved here."

Reid glared, "Disregarding the technicalities, maybe it was because I don't want anyone else here, especially when I'm not home."

Morgan stepped closer, "Reid, we're worried about you. We still care, despite how hard you've tried to push us away. We just want to help."

"You can help by leaving me alone. If I never have to see you again, that would be okay by me. Care all you want, but you can care from a distance. Now, please, get out of my house before I call building security."

Morgan didn't move, "Reid, please just listen to me, and then you can kick me out if you want to." Reid sighed, crossing his arms and keeping his eyes downcast, but didn't object. "I'm not ashamed of you, you know that right? You don't have to hide from me." He stepped closer and tentatively placed a hand on Reid's arm, pulling it away from his body to show the fresh track marks. "Look at me, please."

Reid looked up with another sigh, "What do you want?"

"I don't want you to give up trying, Reid. Kicking your addiction is not something you can do in a week. You're human. I know you slipped tonight, but you can start again tomorrow. I'll help you as much as I can. This… this was just one night of bad judgement. You haven't thrown everything away yet."

Reid blinked slowly, his head feeling heavy, "I don't want to keep trying, Morgan. I'm sick of trying."

"You think everything in life is meant to come easy for you? Things are hard, Reid. Life is hard. That's something you'll need to deal with, but you won't have to do it alone, kid. Don't you remember what it was like before this? You had so much life in you, Reid. You were alive, and always greeting everything with a smile. Now… It hurts to see you like this, Reid. I'll always be wondering if there was something more I could have done, could have said. It's not just your life you're dragging down, but every one of your friends too." Morgan pleaded.

Reid groaned, "That's why I did what I could to release your ties to me. This is my path I've chosen to follow, and I'm not expecting you or anyone else to walk it with me."

"So you're just going to let yourself fall down into your own self-destruction, and leave us behind? We can't let you go that easily, Reid, you should know that. We're a family, I don't care what a blood test would say; we're a team, a unit, and above all else we're kindred."

"I'm not asking you to be okay with this. I'm not asking you to like it, or even accept it. All I want is for you and everyone else to either leave me alone, or realise I've made my own choices, and even though they're not the choices any of you prefer, I'm an adult, so if nothing else you need to accept the fact you can't change my mind."

"But you're acting like a child!" the words were out of his mouth before he could stop it.

Reid's glare was ice cold, "Don't you dare insult me in my own home. Get out."

"Reid, I'm sorry, I just want you to know that we still care. You decisions are practically killing Gideon. He's loosing a second son because of this. He's so at a loss, he looks completely hopeless. You don't have to give up. We can just call this an accident, and get you help. Seeing Gideon after you left with that guy, he was completely dejected. Broken. Again, it's not just you you're hurting, it's him, and me, and everyone else." Morgan noticed the slight shimmer in Reid's eyes.

Shaking his head, Reid pushed off the wall and tried to step passed Morgan to get to the kitchen but Morgan took his arm again. "Morgan, I need to eat something. I haven't eaten all day. Let me go."

Morgan didn't let him go though, instead pulling him close in a brotherly embrace. "I know you don't like this lifestyle. I don't understand why you insist on living it, but we're still here for you. No matter what we're here for you and we'll do whatever we can to make sure you're alright."

Reid let out one sob before he pulled it all in again. He took a moment before he pushed away from Morgan and wiped his eyes. Morgan's expression was sad, but Reid shook his head, "Don't read too much into it, watery eyes are just a side effect." He turned back to the kitchen and made a beeline for the fridge, "By the time I'm done getting something to eat I want you out, understand?" Reid didn't look to see if Morgan nodded, he just opened the fridge and started to search for food. Moments later he heard the door open and shut and he relaxed, closing the fridge again.

He walked to the door and locked it, pulling the chain across as well, and then reached into the pocket of his jacket, taking out the two phials. He definitely didn't feel hungry anymore. Now all he wanted to do was go to bed. He made his way to the bedroom and set the phials on the side table, before stripping down to his boxers and crawling under the covers. The light was dim, but he could see the outline of the phials quite clearly and he spent several minutes just staring at them before the tears crept up on him again. He hadn't wanted to destroy anyone else, but quitting just wasn't an option anymore. He'd tried it, he'd failed, it wasn't meant to be. And he was sorry, he was deeply truly sorry to Gideon, but Gideon would get over it eventually. Reid reasoned that he just had to distance himself more, cut himself off completely, before he hit rock bottom, and then maybe when that day finally came, it wouldn't hurt Gideon as much. Make it quick and relatively painless, like a band-aid, rather than dragging it out slowly and destroying Gideon too.

Reid wiped his eyes again and reached out to stroke the nearest phial. He knew it would make this pain in his chest go away, but it was only a temporary solution. Tomorrow he would sort this all out, figure out what he would do to separate himself from his former team members even further. He didn't want to hurt them, but if he did, he certainly didn't want to be there to witness it.

He pulled his hand back under the covers and sighed, closing his eyes. Sleep came shortly afterwards, and Reid drifted off into a better world. One without pain and sadness. One where he was not only loved and cared for, but accepted on top of that. It was a wonderful world, and he dreaded the moment he would wake up.

* * *

_Take some time and learn to breathe  
And remember what it means  
To feel alive, and to believe  
Something more than what you see_

_I know there's a price for this  
But some things in life you must resist_

_And you know that accidents can happen  
And it's okay, we all fall off the wagon sometimes  
It's not your whole life, it's only one day  
You haven't thrown everything away._

_I hear that you've slipped again  
I'm here 'cause I know you'll need a friend_

_So don't give up, it takes a while._

_-Accidents Can Happen, by Sixx:A.M.  
(track #6)_


	32. Runaway

**A/N: Realised something the other day. Though my dosage amounts have been spot on for the drug itself... the type of needle and syringe I picture in my head (the typical size heroin users use) doesn't actually HOLD that much... (typical size is a 1cc syringe...) So we're going to pretend he's using a 10cc syringe, that is somehow still small enough to carry around in bulk, m'kay?  
Enjoy!**

* * *

Chapter 32: Runaway

Morgan called Gideon when he got into his car, "Yeah, it's me… Yes, he came home… Not good. Definitely not good… One or two fresh marks on his arms. I didn't get the best look." He heard Gideon's sigh and echoed it.

"Did he tell you what he'd been doing?" Gideon asked.

"No, and I didn't ask. He wasn't very stable on his feet, so it was obvious he was doped up. I can tell you for sure he'd used at least once, maybe multiple times. Other than that I don't know." Morgan said, sounding defeated.

Gideon sighed again, "I just want to know if he's being safe. I don't like that he went off with someone he'd just met."

"From the sounds of the phone call he'd made earlier he knew this person."

"Do you ever really know someone?" Gideon mused.

"It would seem not." Morgan said.

"Do you think he was safe, whatever he did?" Gideon asked.

Morgan was taken aback, "What are you suggesting? That he did something with that guy?"

"No, nothing like that. I just know he didn't have any of his own needles on him, so what did he use? Was it clean?"

Morgan frowned, "I don't know…" He trailed off and there was silence was a few minutes until Morgan started his car. "Listen, I'm going home, I'm going to try to get some sleep, you should too."

Gideon nodded to himself, "Yeah, I'll try. I'll check in on him tomorrow. Before work if I can make it, if not then at lunch."

"Give him till lunch. There's no way he'll be up in six hours. He's going to pass out, if he hasn't already, and sleep for half a day at least. Besides, I need to give you your key back, so I'll do that at work in the morning."

"Sounds good. Take care, Morgan." Gideon said before hanging up.

* * *

Reid woke up with a groan and the occasional sharp pain in his muscles. The twitching started within seconds and he couldn't believe withdrawals were setting in already. His breathing got heavy as he reach out for one of the phials and sat up. Opening the top drawer he took out one of his syringes and fumbled with the packaging. His fingers wanted to clench up on him and not listen.

"Come on… Come on…" he mumbled, rocking slightly.

Finally his fingers obeyed his commands and the packaging tore open. He pulled the syringe out and took off the protective cap over the needle. He aimed it at the top of the phial and tried to insert it into the tiny hole but his hands were shaking too much to allow it. Several attempts, and one pricked thumb, later Reid was on the verge of tearing out his hair. He set down the phial and syringe and tried to massage his hand into cooperation. It was cramping along with the shakes. He tried to wring it out, shake it out, rub it out, but nothing was working, and he was growing frustrated.

He stood and paced from the edge of his bed to the wall and back, hoping that might somehow help. It didn't. "Shit." He said, an uncharacteristic word for him, but he noted oddly that he felt better after saying it. One more wouldn't hurt, right? And it's not like anyone would know. "Damn it!" he said, putting some emotion behind it and lashing out at the lamp on his bedside table. He knocked it off the stand and it crashed to the floor. He blinked, staring at its broken form. That _really_ felt good.

The next object of his growing rage was the wall. He banged at it with his fist and kicked at it with his bare feet. After a moment however that began to hurt and he stopped, looking for something new. The clothes in his wardrobe became the next victim. They flew aimlessly around the room until there was nothing left to throw, and they became items to kick. Satisfied with the result Reid tore the covers and sheets off the bed, and tossed the pillows around. Finally the drawers on his side table were attacked, pulling them out and throwing the contents as far as he could. Paper and other items flying haphazardly about. The final drawer was the top one, which held his syringes and various other items. He took out the large pile of syringes and held them, watching how they shook in his hands. With a growl he tossed them on the bed and left his room.

He didn't touch anything outside of his room, instead walking to the bathroom as calmly as he could. He rummaged in the medicine cabinet for the bottle of Tylenol he knew was in there, knocking some other bottles of stuff to the floor. He didn't care though; he just had to find the bottle he was looking for. Once he got his hands on it he fought with the child-proof top until it opened. He took out two pills, hoping that would be enough to kill the shakes so that he could have what he actually wanted. More than wanted; needed. He popped one in his mouth and crunched down. The taste was vile and he cringed. He decided to take the next one with the glass of water that was next to the sink, washing away some of the taste with it.

Sitting down on the toilet seat lid he held his hands in front of him, watching them closely. He was having a hard time focusing and he wasn't sure if it was because his hands were still shaking or if it was his eyes. He waited for several minutes for the shaking to subside and then he finally noticed it slowing down. It was working. Thank god it was working. Once he thought they were stable enough to do what he needed he stood and went back to his bedroom.

Working his way through the mess he'd created he sat down on the bare mattress. He took up the phial and syringe again and this time he was able to control it enough to insert the needle into the top of the phial. He only drew out a small amount, 1cc, just to tide him over, plus he wasn't sure how it would react with the Tylenol. Chances are it wouldn't react at all, but he wasn't going to risk it. He decided to forgo the tourniquet for such a small amount and just quickly found a vein and inserted the needle.

Compared to his past two hits this was dull. His eyelids fluttered and he felt dizzy, but nothing like the extreme orgasmic sensations that had assailed him before. He reminded himself, as he set the used needle on the side table, that his was a far lesser dose than before. He shouldn't expect the same results. This was just to get the shakes under control. Within minutes he was feeling better. His mind felt clear, and he looked at the mess around him with a frown. Finally he shrugged inwardly; it didn't matter because soon it wouldn't be his problem.

He realized now, though, that he did need to find clothes. He hunted around, grabbing the first things he found, and put them on awkwardly in the mess he'd created. The next step in his plan took him to his computer, in the small space to the left of his living room. He sat down and opened his email, ignoring the various messages from various team members, and opening up a new message.

He typed out a short letter, and entered the appropriate email address in the 'to:' spot, before pressing send. With a sigh, knowing there was no turning back now, he moved on to his next task. He opened up his internet and connected to his bank's website. He entered an account number and password, and on the next page was greeted with 'Welcome, Diana Reid!' He checked recent account activity, making sure there had been nothing suspicious and that her disability cheques from her former job were still coming in. Seeing that everything was as it should be he clicked on the button that would take him to the money transferring page and enter the amount of money he wanted to transfer and to which account, completing the security question required.

He finished the transfer on his end by logging into his account and accepting the money, completing the security question on this side as well. With that task completed he headed for the door. He searched his jacket pocket for his keys, and finding his phone and wallet along with the piece of paper Tamesis had given him the night before. He took it out and looked at it before tucking it back into the pocket. He spent a great deal of time frowning before he found his keys on the key hook by the door. He grabbed them and his wallet and headed down to the ATM machine in the lobby of the building.

Once at the machine he withdrew the cash he had just transferred and then headed for the office down the hall. He knocked twice and the door was opened. He was greeted with a smile, "Here to pay your rent, Dr. Reid?"

"It's the first of the month isn't it?" he replied with a fake smile.

"It sure is. Well I'm sure you know by now how much it is."

Reid nodded and handed over nearly all of the cash he'd just withdrawn. "For this month and next, if that's okay."

"Going somewhere, you won't be here for the beginning of next month?"

"I don't know yet. We'll see."

"Alright, I'll make a note that you've paid. Take care."

Reid forced a smile again, turning on his heel to make his way back up to his apartment. He let himself in and grabbed his jacket, putting it on as he walked to the living room. Stepping over to his computer he grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and brought it over to the coffee table. He sat on the couch and contemplated what he was going to write. Nothing was coming to him.

With a sigh he took out his phone and the piece of paper with it. After a couple deep breaths he dialled the number and listened to the ringing, fidgeting nervously as he returned the slip of paper to his pocket.

"Yeah, T, here."

"Tamesis?" Reid asked, "It… it's me. I mean its Reid."

"Thought it might be you. What can I do for you today?"

"Nothing, I mean, I was wondering something. Since that place we were at isn't your main place of residence anymore, would you mind if I stayed there? I don't know for how long."

"Sure thing, Reid. Just if I need the place for anything, you'll have to leave for the night, alright?"

"Deal." Reid replied. "I'll even buy more candles and top up the oil lamp." He said, though really that was only because he wasn't sure what he'd do if he ran out of light in that place.

"You remember how to shimmy the door open?"

"Yes." Reid said.

"Then it's all yours for as long as you need."

Reid sighed, relieved. "Thank you."

"No problem. I'll see you around."

Reid hung up his phone and looked back at the piece of paper in front of him. Slowly words formed in his head and he wrote them down. Word by word he filled the page with his recognizable scrawl, until he didn't have anything else to say that he hadn't already said. He didn't figure repeating himself would serve any purpose. He slid the paper to the edge of the table and placed his phone down on top of it before standing and casting one last look around his place.

With a deep breath he sighed and walked back to his bedroom. He snatched up the phials and syringes on the bed, and then headed to the door. He paused with his hand on the knob and images flashed in his head. Many happy memories of times spent in this apartment. He swallowed hard and closed his eyes against the pictures in his brain. None of that mattered anymore. He knew he wasn't the same person as he was back then. He'd changed; he was empty and incapable of true happiness. It was a fact he should have realised a long time ago. Those happy memories were all lies. He'd been lying to himself, trying to convince himself he deserved to feel good. He didn't deserve it. Not from real people, innocent people. Because they would either hurt him, or he world hurt them. It was inevitable. With another sigh he opened the door and left his apartment behind. If only for a little while.

* * *

Gideon entered the lobby of Reid's apartment building with hesitation. He'd gotten his key's back from Morgan, but after hearing the whole recollection of what had gone on the night before, he felt a little guilty coming over uninvited. He forced himself to remember that it was all for Reid's own good. In the end he would see that, if he didn't see it now. He rode the elevator up to Reid's floor and took the long walk down the hall. He paused outside Reid's door, deciding to knock first.

There was no answer so after a minute he let himself in. He could sense something was off immediately. He stepped up to Reid's bedroom door and pushed it open with his fingertips. The room was trashed, and alarm bells started ringing in his head. He looked down the hall but nothing else seemed to be out of place. He looked back to the bedroom and frowned. '_Reid did this._' he thought. It wasn't the work of some bandit; it was only Reid and his clearly obvious rage.

Gideon turned away from the mess and stepped up to the bathroom. He flicked the light on and glanced at the various pill bottled cast about. None of them were open, except for a discarded Tylenol bottle lying in the bottom of the sink. He could tell it still had pills in it, which was a comforting sign. Though, Gideon mused, if Reid had wanted to OD on something, he was sure he had something better than Tylenol. With a sigh he took the final steps to the living room.

He was greeted with a cell phone atop a piece of paper. He stepped up to it and slid the paper out from under the phone, dreading what it might say. He glanced at the heading, '_Gideon, or whoever else comes to check on me first._' It wasn't the most conventional opening, but it certainly set the tone for the rest of the scribbled letter. '_I don't want you to worry. I need some time alone to figure things out for myself, but I'm sure you'll see me again. I've already got a place to stay for a while, so you don't have to worry about me being out on the streets. I'm sorry it had to be this way, but I just want to be left alone. I need time and space. I've left my phone behind, because I don't want you trying to contact me or track me down. I'll come back when I'm ready. If I need anything, or if I get into trouble, I'll find a phone and call. If you don't hear from me, you can assume I'm okay. Maybe I'll see you at Christmas._' It was signed simply with '_Reid_' and nothing more.

Gideon swallowed the lump in his throat and took out his phone to call Hotch. He didn't wait for the formalities of a greeting after Hotch answered, but jumped right to the point. "He's gone."


	33. The Search

Chapter 33: The Search

There was a long silence before Hotch's voice answered, stunned. "What do you mean he's gone?" Gideon could hear him walking to his office and shutting the door.

"I mean, he's not here, Aaron. He left a note, and he's gone." Gideon looked at the note in his hand.

For all his smarts and composure Hotchner was completely shocked. "Did he just step out for a bit, or…?"

"I don't think he's coming back. Not for a while. Aaron… What do we do?" Gideon brushed his free hand down his face with a heavy sigh.

"I'll gather the team and meet you at his place in under an hour." Hotch said.

"Can you do that? I mean, we have other cases that need our attention." Gideon said, though he was in no way disagreeing with Hotch's decision, he just didn't think it was possible.

"Finding Reid takes precedence over anything else. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't be able to focus on a case properly not knowing he was safe. I'm sure everyone else will agree."

"Alright, I'll be here." Gideon hung up and then once again ran his hand down his face. If they didn't find Reid, Gideon wasn't sure he could live with the guilt of letting him down.

* * *

Hotch strode from his office with a purpose, holding onto the railing above the bullpen he caught the attention of the team. "Get the SUV's warmed up and ready. We leave in five minutes."

"Leave? Where?" Prentiss asked.

"I'll fill you in in the parking garage. It's about Reid. Now go." he ordered.

As the team gathered their coats and bags a stern and grating voice sounded from Hotch's right. "Where are you going Agent Hotchner?"

Hotch turned to face Strauss, a frown hiding the annoyance he was feeling now. "I have a missing agent. I need to search for him."

"If you're talking about Agent Reid, he's no longer your concern." she stated

"What do you mean?" Hotch asked, his frown deepening.

She held up a crisp sheet of paper, "I received his letter of resignation, effective immediately, through my email a few hours ago. Dr. Reid is no longer a federal agent. You already have his credentials from the suspension you put him on, so I believe that seals the deal. Get back to your cases." She turned on her heel to walk away and Hotch shook his head.

This couldn't be happening. This just _couldn't_ be happening, but it was. He turned back to the railing and gripped it hard. "No." Hotch turned his head, calling out to Strauss. "I'm not going to leave him. _We're_ not going to leave him. I don't care what that letter says, he's suffering from severe PTSD, he doesn't know what he's talking about. We're going to find him." Hotch started for the stairs down to the bullpen to follow the team out.

"Agent Hotchner, are you defying my direct orders?"

"Yes." he replied.

"Do you have any cases that need your attention?"

Hotch stopped and looked back, "There are always cases."

"Do you have a proper doctor's diagnosis of PTSD?"

"No, Reid refuses to see anyone, and now he's disappeared. If you'll excuse me." Hotch turned back and continued on his way.

"I'm getting tired of granting you leniencies whenever you ask, Hotchner." Strauss called after him.

Hotch replied, though he was sure she couldn't hear him, "I wasn't asking."

* * *

Hotch filled the team in on what Gideon had told him over the phone and they drove quickly to Reid's apartment. He left his conversation with Strauss out of it though. As far as he was concerned it hadn't happened. Hotch let them in with his passkey and they jogged up to Reid's floor and knocked on the door. Gideon was there in a second opening it, "Come in. I was just trying to straighten up, but I didn't know where to start." He glanced at the bedroom door as they piled in.

Everyone followed his gaze, but it was Morgan that stepped forward to look inside first. "Christ. What happened? Like a bomb went off in here."

Prentiss stepped up next, "Was he robbed? The place is trashed."

Gideon shook his head, "Not the rest of the house, just here and some pill bottles in the bathroom. He did this himself."

"Reid did this?" Prentiss frowned. "Our Reid?"

Gideon nodded numbly as JJ and Hotch glanced at the room. "Oh my gosh," JJ said, "I don't believe it."

Gideon walked into the living room and everyone followed him, "He left me, or us, this note." He handed it over to Hotch, who read it quickly and then passed it to Morgan. As the note circulated from hand to hand Gideon paced in front of the window. "We have to find him." he said to no one in particular.

Looking up Prentiss replied, "We will. Don't worry."

"How can I not worry?" Gideon mumbled.

JJ closed her eyes and shook her head, "This is all my fault. All of it."

Morgan looked at her, "You can be responsible for his actions."

"Maybe not, but I could have prevented it. Right from the beginning. We shouldn't have split up…" her voice trailed off and she fell silent.

Hotch shook his head with a frown, "You can't blame yourself for this JJ."

"But its true isn't it?" she said earnestly. "If not then, I should have done something differently when I first suspected. I should have told you right away, but I wanted to be perfectly sure. It's just a whole chain of reactions that I could have, should have, prevented."

"Self doubt isn't going to do Reid any good. He needs us to be focused so that we can help him." Hotch said. "I'm sure we can all think of something, or many things, we could have done differently, but we can't change the past. All we can do now is try and mend the future. Morgan, call up Garcia and get her to look into Reid's account activity. If he's planning on being away till at least Christmas, two months away, he's going to need some money."

Morgan nodded and took out his phone, dialling Garcia. "Hey, Baby Girl." he said, putting his phone on speaker. "We need a favour."

"Anything for you, Sugar. You know that already."

Morgan sighed, his tone becoming heavy, "Check into Reid's bank account and see what his most recent transactions have been."

They could hear her fingers on her keys as she asked, "What's happened?"

"He's run off somewhere. We need to try and find him."

Garcia swallowed her fear and worry for Reid and clicked a few more buttons. "Some transactions today. A wire transfer into his account from his mother's account it looks like, and then a withdrawal of that money and then some."

"How much?"

"In total, about 2100."

"Why would he take out money from his mom's account?" Morgan asked out loud to no one in particular.

It was Gideon who answered, "He uses his mom's money for his rent. Everything else, clothes, food, internet, transportation, is out of his own pocket. Rent here is 800 a month." He left out the word 'drugs' from his list, but he didn't have to say it, everyone filled in the blanks on their own.

Hotch nodded slowly, ignoring the news Reid used his mother's money for rent, "We'll have to check with the landlord, but if he paid up for two months, that would leave him 500 extra."

"That won't last long in this city." Prentiss said.

"Garcia, I hate to do it, but set it up so it alerts you when he uses his bank card. If we don't find him before his money runs out, at least that'll give us an area to search in."

"You got it, boss. Anything else?"

"Not yet, we'll be in touch."

"Good luck." She said and disconnected the call.

Everyone looked to Hotch for guidance, but he was feeling as lost as they looked. "We should hit the streets. He's staying somewhere; it might be within walking distance. If we can't catch up with him we'll just have to stakeout any where he might visit." Hotch glanced at Gideon.

"The alley, the clinic, I can't think of anywhere else." Gideon said.

"Where does he shop usually?"

"The corner store down the street."

Prentiss frowned, "A stakeout could take days to find him. Do we have that kind of time?"

"We have as long as it takes." Hotch said. "We'll show his picture around those locations today and ask the locals where someone might stay on a whim. If we don't find him then he's already settled down in his next location, and we all know what Reid's like. He won't go out unless he has to, and he'll know we'll be looking. We need to wait him out and have more patience than he does."

Everyone nodded and Hotch started for the door until Gideon's voice stopped him, "Perhaps one of us should stay here. If he comes back one of us should be here."

Hotch glanced at Morgan, who nodded and placed a hand on Gideon's shoulder, before Hotch shook his head and said, "He's not coming back, Jason. Not until we bring him back. We all need to be out there. Let's go." Gideon took a deep breath and nodded.

They divided their tasks in the elevator ride down. Prentiss and JJ would go to the store, Morgan and Hotch would try to canvas people in and around the alley, while Gideon offered to go to the clinic alone. "It would be better that way." he argued. "I've been there with him before, and he told me how to act. We don't want to upset anyone, especially in a free clinic like that that does such great work. Two of us walking in there will look more official than just me." Gideon could tell Hotch wasn't too happy about that arrangement, but he didn't argue, so out in the parking lot they went their separate ways, with plans to meet up in an hour.

Hotch and Morgan were the first to reach their destination. Morgan had a picture of Reid in his wallet which he showed to passers-by. No one wanted to stop and look, and the few who did had never seen him. The junkies were too focused on finding their next fix to pay attention, and as soon as the dealers spotted them they turned they other way. This was getting them no where fast, and pretty soon it was time for them to meet up again.

JJ and Prentiss left Gideon standing outside the tinted windows of a quaint one storey building with signs indicating it was a clinic. They continued on one more block to the store on the corner. A little bell chimed as they stepped through the door. They approached the single cash register and the older woman behind it.

"Can I help you ladies?" she asked.

"We're looking for a friend who might have come in here." Prentiss said, "He works with us and we can't find him. We're really worried about him. He's tall, skinny, longish brown hair."

"I can't be certain."

"What about anyone that stood out to you, someone different. Maybe he looked sick and unwell, or even twitchy, or paranoid?"

"I don't know."

JJ frowned, "I might have a picture, hold on." She took out her purse and dug through it before retrieving a picture taken at Reid's last birthday. She handed it over, pointing to him. "Please, look at him and think hard."

After a few moments of silence the look of realization came over her face, "Yes, I remember him. Nice young man, always polite and willing to chat with this old soul."

"When did you last see him?" Prentiss asked.

"Well that would be today, maybe four hours ago. He didn't want to stay and chat today."

JJ spoke up again and asked, "What did he buy?"

"Lots of food, nothing perishable or that would need to be heated though. Just snacks and light food. Also he bought every last one of my white taper candles, and a refill can for an oil lamp."

"Thank you," Prentiss said, "you've been a great help." She took out a business card and slid it across the counter. "If you see him again don't hesitate to call."

"I will."

Prentiss and JJ left the store and headed back the way they came to meet back up with Gideon outside the clinic. He was waiting for them when they got there.

When Gideon had first stepped into the clinic all eyes shifted towards him and then shrunk back against the walls and into the corners. He kept his head down and walked to the back counter, "Can you help me?"

He was met with stern looks from all the nursing staff. "That depends." one of them said, "What's your business here?"

"I'm looking for a friend. I know he comes here." Gideon said, taking out a picture of them snapped last Christmas. Reid was wearing a goofy Santa hat and the memory tugged at the corners of Gideon's mouth, threatening to make him smile in spite of the circumstances. "Have you seen him lately?"

She shook her head, "I'm sorry, you'll have to ask your questions elsewhere, sir. You're making people uncomfortable."

"I apologize, really, but this is important. Please look at his picture." One by one the nurses glanced, but none of them seemed to actually _look_ until one of the younger ones gasped.

"Oh my god. It's Spencer! I mean, he looks a little different but that's him." She looked up at Gideon who was nodding. "And you. I recognise you too. You've stood outside the last two times he came in. Last time he doubled up to sixty syringes."

Gideon nodded, "He never wanted me to come in. Didn't want to scare anyone off, which obviously I have and I'm sorry, but you have to understand. He disappeared today, only left me a note. I just need to know if you've seen him, miss."

"It's Cilia, and no, of course I haven't. He should have enough to last him for a while yet. Shouldn't he?"

"Somehow I don't think so." Gideon said sadly.

"Well how many syringes do you reckon he has?"

Gideon shrugged, "Maybe ten, if he took them with him. I didn't check." The truth was he couldn't even enter Reid's room, partially do to with the mess, but mostly because crossing that threshold made it all the more real.

"Well that should last him ten days, shouldn't it?"

Gideon shook his head. "It would have before, but he's sunk down. The drugs have pulled him down. That won't last him more than five days. Maybe not more than three. I don't know."

Cilia tried to conceal her gasp but didn't succeed, "That poor boy." she said, even though they were about the same age. "Something like that couldn't have happened to a nicer person. We all adore Spencer."

"If he comes in here can you give me a call?" Gideon asked, taking out one of his cards and handing it over.

Cilia looked at the card and then up at Gideon, "FBI? How do you know Spencer?"

"We're colleagues, we work together."

"He works at the FBI?"

Gideon sighed, "Yes. It's very important we find him."

"You won't hurt him will you?" she asked innocently.

"Never. He's like a son to me. I just want to bring him home safe. So will you call?"

After a moment of silence, glances at the other nurses, and a large sigh, she handed the card back over, "I'm sorry, sir. I would love to, for his sake, but we have a strict policy to protect our client's privacy. That's why they come here. If I see him I'll tell him you're concerned, but that's all I can do. I really am sorry, and now I do have to ask you to leave, please."

Gideon nodded, "Thank you for your time, Cilia." he said before leaving. He stood out by the doors until Prentiss and JJ showed up, and then they walked back down the road. Neither of them said anything about what they'd found, waiting until Morgan and Hotch were with them as well. No sense in explaining things twice. As they approached the others and reconvened stories were swapped and JJ and Prentiss were the only ones with anything resembling good news. They explained what Reid had bought, and then mused over what it meant.

"Nothing he would need to refrigerate, or heat to eat?" Morgan asked, and the girls shook his head. "Plus lots of candles… I don't think wherever he's gone there's electricity. There's no way he would stand staying some place dark, so he needed to make sure he had a light source. Or multiple sources."

There were murmurs of agreement all around. "And," JJ added, "we know for certain he's on foot, so he must not be too far."

"Not necessarily, he could easily catch a cab or a bus anywhere." Gideon said, "And if he's thinking about us looking for him he definitely would have."

"So what do we do?" JJ asked.

"I'll see if Garcia can find any where around here he might bunker down." Morgan said.

"Other than that," Hotch added, "he can't hide for long, so we wait."


	34. Day Three

Chapter 34: Day Three

The first thing Reid did upon reaching the hole Tamesis occasionally spent time in was light some of the candles he bought and refill the oil lamp. It surprisingly brightened up the place nicely. The food he bought was in a large cardboard box on the counter by the nonworking sink. He sat down on the stinking mattress, with a sigh. He wished he would have thought to bring some books or something, but now that he was here there was no way he was leaving again. Not until he absolutely had to.

He wasn't sure what he was going to do to amuse himself but he had to think of something. He stared off at the wall in front of him, blinking. He rubbed his hands on his pants, gripped the edge of the mattress, took off his coat, hugged himself, and ran his hands up and down his arms. It didn't keep him occupied for long. With a sigh he reached for his jacket again and dug into the pockets. He took out his pile of syringes and found a place for them on the side table. He kept one separate from the others as he grabbed the phials from his other pocket and placed the unused one on the counter with the other syringes.

With a deep breath he grabbed the syringe he'd set aside and took it out of its wrapping. Seconds later he was filling it to the 3cc mark, and inserting it into a vein. As he drifted off and let the pleasure and ecstasies overtake him the only thing he could think of was: life is good, life is great, when can I do this again?

This was Reid's daily activity, which he did at least three times a day, for three days. On the third day of solitude Reid came out of his drug induced haze long enough to realise he was down to his last syringe. With a heavy sigh he stood up from the bed and took the syringe he'd just used to the box he'd carried the food in. The food had all been lined up on the counter and the box was now being used as safe disposal for his sharps. Placing it in the box, he turned and picked up his jacket from the back of the couch. He then slowly went around the room, turning off the oil lamp, and blowing out the candles, one-by-one, from the back to the door, so that he didn't have to walk through the dark room.

He slid out of the hole and stuck to side streets and alleyways as he made his way to the clinic. He kept his head down and trudged along, the air was starting to get nippy and Reid realised that soon enough there would be a thin layer of snow on the ground. He tucked his hands inside his coat, near his armpits, to keep them warm.

Reaching the clinic he shouldered open the door and walked to the back counter. Cilia was there in a heartbeat. "Spencer, are you okay? You don't look good."

He glanced up at her for a second, and then averted his eyes. "I'm fine. C-can I just get another sixty, p-please?"

"Where's your sharps box?" she asked.

Reid looked confused for a moment, "W-what?"

"Your sharps box, Spencer. You know I can't give you any more unless you return your used ones for safe disposal. You know the rules." Cilia replied

"I-I-I… I-I don't know… It's… at home I think. But I… I can't go back there."

Cilia wanted nothing more than to run around the counter and hug Reid, but she knew that wasn't something she could do. "Spencer, I'm worried about you. Your friends are worried about you. They came here looking for you."

Reid abruptly raised his head up, his voice like venom. "You didn't tell them anything did you?" he snapped.

"Erm, no, Spencer. I just told him I'd tell you they were worried. That's all. Calm down."

"I don't… I don't want to see them. I don't want them to see me. Please don't tell them anything." Reid pleaded.

"I won't Spencer. I won't, I just wanted you to know they're worried."

"They don't need to worry, I'm f-fine."

"Spencer, you don't look fine. You don't look fine at all. Do you remember what you said to me once? You promised me you wouldn't let this addiction control you. You promised me you'd get yourself clean." She dropped her voice to a whisper, "I don't want to see you end up like the other people in here. Please, Spencer."

"I… I can't make that promise anymore, just please, can I have what I came for?"

"Bring me your sharps box and I'll give you what you need. I can't help you till then."

Reid looked up at her, defeat written on his features. He stared, lost and hopeless, until he finally nodded. "I'll be back." He turned and left as swiftly as he'd come, taking the same side streets and alleys as he had on the way. He shimmied the door open to his new home and left it open so he wouldn't have to light the candles as he took the box under his arm and left again. One more stop to make before he went back to the clinic, however this wasn't a stop he wanted to make.

* * *

On the second day, with no word or sighting of Reid, Gideon finally decided he needed to do something productive and not just wait for some sign. The only problem was he didn't know what to do. He stood in Reid's lonely living room, ignoring everything around him. Finally he turned his attention down the hall and to Reid's bedroom. He took one hesitant step after another until he stood in the doorway, looking at the mess that still lay there.

Slowly he reached down and picked up a shirt that had been cast aside. He held it with a deep sigh and then slowly started to pick up the pieces, one by one. It took the rest of that evening to complete, but he did it. Slowly everything found its way back to its proper place. As Gideon now looked at the tidied room he realised that this was both important and superficial.

It was important to him that Reid had a home to come back to. A nice clean home. The one he remembered and was used to. He also knew that cleaning the room was a neat way to trick himself into believing everything was okay. If everything was in its proper place, than Reid was alright, just maybe out for a walk. It was a mask, a fresh coat of paint to cover up the blemishes. It was a lie. But it made him feel better, less lost, so it was a lie he'd continue to tell himself until he knew for certain, one way or the other, what was happening with Reid.

* * *

Reid shuffled along, approaching his apartment complex from the rear. He didn't want to go back inside that building but he didn't have a choice. However, he knew it was for the best. He could get a change of clothes while he was at it. As he stepped around the side of the building he brought his head up, and then immediately ducked back around the corner.

The team, his friends, were gathered in the parking lot, deep in discussion about something. Probably about him. He was pretty sure he hadn't been seen, but he still made a point to try and quiet his breathing, and even his heartbeat. He couldn't hear what they were saying over the sounds of the SUV engines running, so all he could do was wait for doors to slam shut, and for the vehicles to drive away.

In the parking lot Hotch was delivering bad news, "We're no longer being given time to find him."

"What do you mean?" JJ asked. "I thought Strauss gave us as much time as we needed."

"Well she's revoked it, and is going to process Reid's resignation—"

"Reid's what?" Morgan interrupted.

"The day Reid left he emailed Strauss his resignation." Hotch said.

"And you didn't tell us?" Morgan growled, while Prentiss opted for, "He can do that?"

Hotch ignored Morgan and gave a small shrug, "Apparently he can, and she's going to accept it unless I can give her a good reason to hold off. That's where I'm going now. The rest of you, keep searching until we're officially called off." He looked at Gideon, "And Jason, don't stay here again tonight. It won't do any good. Go home and sleep in your own bed, not on his couch."

Gideon nodded slowly. He wanted to say it didn't matter where he was, he wouldn't be able to sleep anyway, but decided not to argue. Hotch was right after all; it wouldn't make a difference in the final outcome, and maybe he would be able to sleep in his own bed, he wouldn't know until he tried. The group discussed where they would search and what they were going to do and then split up.

Hotch looked at Morgan, "Get in; I'll give you a ride to the alley, since it's on my way. You can call someone to pick you up when you're done?" Morgan nodded and got into the vehicle.

It was silent until Morgan sighed, "I can't believe Garcia couldn't give us some sort of location on where he might be."

"You heard her, there's a lot more abandoned buildings around here than one would think. We can't possibly check them all with the limited manpower we have."

"I know that, but I thought maybe it would have given us a better chance, if it could have been narrowed down."

"It would have, but we didn't get that lucky. All we can do, if we get pulled off this search, is hope Reid stays true to his word and contacts us if he needs help."

"Hotch you can't…" Morgan paused as they made it to a point where they could see inside the mouth of the alley. "Hotch, you see that guy there?" Morgan pointed to a young man in dark jeans and a leather jacket. When Hotch nodded he continued, "That's the guy Reid walked off with after the trial."

"Are you certain?"

"Of course I'm certain!" Morgan said frantically unclipping his seatbelt and opening the door. "Do you think I could forget someone dressed like that?" he yelled as he leaped from the vehicle and jogged across the street, Hotch right behind him.

Tamesis noticed the commotion and glanced up. With a sigh he pushed off the wall, and started walking to the opposite end of the alley. He didn't make it far before a hand landed on his shoulder and spun him around. Tame looked Morgan up and down, and then glanced at Hotch, "Can I help you gentlemen?"

"Don't play with me!" Morgan snarled, taking the leather in his fists and pushing Tamesis up against the brick wall.

"Ow." Tamesis stated simply. "Careful with the threads, this wasn't cheap. Now, what do you need?"

"Where is he?!" Morgan yelled.

"Who?" Tamesis asked innocently. He didn't even see the fist coming until the moment before it made contact with his jaw.

"Morgan!" Hotch barked, pulling Morgan back from doing any more damage. "Cool it." He whispered to Morgan before looking up at Tamesis. "Where is Reid?"

"What makes you think I would know? We're just business partners."

"You know." Morgan said coldly, letting the jacket go.

"So maybe I do. Why would I tell you?" Tamesis asked, nursing his lower lip where a cut was present due to one of his teeth.

"We're his friends, that's why." Morgan narrowed his eyes.

"Humph," Tamesis scoffed, "some friends you are. If you really cared you'd leave him alone. Let him come to his own decisions on his own time, instead of smothering him into fitting into your ideals. So what he's doing isn't something you approve of? Who cares? He's an adult; you can't control him, so stop trying."

Hotch could sense Morgan gearing up for another brawl and quickly put a hand on his arm. "Just tell us where he is, please."

Tamesis didn't seem to have heard them as his eyes had drifted down the alley to a twitchy young man lurking near a dumpster and glancing his way. "If you'll excuse me, I have business to attend to."

"We're not done here." Hotch said.

Tamesis looked at him, "Well then, do I have your permission to conduct my business while we chat? No digging out handcuffs and guns?"

Hotch glanced at Morgan and then sighed, "Only if you promise to give us what we want."

"I can't promise that, but I'll tell you more, how's that sound?" There was a pause and then Hotch nodded, and Morgan looked pissed. Tamesis ignored them and kept his eyes on the young man until he glanced up again, at which point Tamesis gave him a nod. The young junkie approached cautiously, his eyes twitching to Hotch and Morgan. When he was close enough Tamesis smiled, "Don't worry about them, they're all bark and no bite."

"D-do you got it?" he asked, rubbing his hand under his nose, almost as a subconscious attempt to hide the sores.

"You should know the drill; money first, then you can see the goods." The guy produced a fistful of cash, some of it crinkled and torn. Tamesis glanced at the two Feds next to him, "If this makes you uncomfortable, feel free to turn around. Both of them stayed in place but grimaced as the exchange was made, only because they couldn't get images of Reid turning out like this to stop flashing in their heads. Tamesis almost seemed to sense their discomfort, and dragged it out longer than it needed to go. Whipping out two baggies he spoke slowly and enunciated, "I have 1ounce of freebase cocaine, and 1ounce of Persian heroin. Only the best." Which of course was a lie, it wasn't all that great, but the junkie didn't know any better. Heck, it wasn't even freebase or Persian, but that seemed to have gone unnoticed.

"Thank you. Thank you." said the junkie kid, while slipping the drugs away and out of sight. He no longer seemed to be bothered by the presence of two very official looking people.

Tamesis licked his lips and snaked his hand out to brush his fingers over the other man's skin. He was met with no resistance and he smiled, "I have another way you could thank me if you'd like, that is if our guests aren't opposed to public displays of 'affection'."

Morgan glared and growled, "Don't push your luck, kid."

"Fine have it your way." He turned back to the twitchy man, "I have a place we can go for free, if you're interested. It's not far and you can indulge yourself in your purchase while we're there. Sound good?" Tamesis received a slow nod and that was all he needed. He slipped passed Morgan and took the junkie by the hand to lead him down the alley.

"We had a deal!" Hotch yelled after him.

Tamesis stopped to call over his shoulder, "And I delivered, you just weren't listening." For the second time he felt a hand land on his shoulder and spin him around.

"Where. Is. He?"

Tamesis sighed, "It's not my fault you don't have the brains to figure it out. I told you what I know, the rest if up to you."

Hotch stepped up next to Morgan, "You seem honourable, so why are you lying to us about something as important as a man's life?"

"I'm not lying, both of you are just too pig-headed to listen. Look, you want more information? Fine. He's safe, and you don't need to worry about him. He's smart with his drug use, though I suppose using drugs at all is completely idiotic, I agree, but he's safe when he does it. Honestly, just let him ride this out, he needs the freedom. He needs to feel alive, because he doesn't right now. Just give him time. He's smart, and I mean that in more than an IQ way, he'll come around on his own. Can I go now?" Tamesis spat the information at them liked he'd rehearsed it, and maybe he had. Hotch and Morgan both nodded as much as they didn't want to, and Tamesis took up the junkie's hand and left again.

After many moments of silence Morgan looked at Hotch, "Do you think he was telling the truth, about telling us where Reid might be?"

"Yes," Hotch said, "we just have to figure out what he said. And he's right, as much as I hate to admit it."

"What do you mean?"

"About Reid. He's an adult, he can make his own choices and we can't push him into a mould he no longer matches. We have to let him be."

"So we just going to give up? Just like that? All become of some crazy words a dealer said?" Morgan looked appalled.

"No, we're not giving up. We'll find him, but we won't force him to do anything he doesn't want to do. It may work for a day, or a week, but eventually it would backfire I think we've already experienced that."

* * *

After all the cars had left and things were silent Reid poked his head around the corner. The coast was clear and he wasted no time in rushing through the first set of doors. It took longer than he would have liked to find his pass card and get through the next set, but after that it was free sailing. He didn't bump into a single person on the way to his apartment, and he'd had the mindset to get his keys out during the elevator ride so he was behind closed doors within moments of stepping in front of it.

The first thing on his agenda was to transfer these used needles to his sharps box, which had found a new location on his bedside table, rather than under the bed. Reid noted the room had been cleaned and smiled a little. He knew it had been Gideon, and in a way he was glad. He didn't dwell on it long though; there was no time for memories. He dropped the box on his bed and started to carefully pull out syringes one-by-one and relocate them to the sharps container.

When that was completed he set the sharps box by the front door and searched for his overnight bag. He stuffed it full of clothes, not caring what he grabbed, and then zipped it up. Next he stripped out of his stinking clothes and took something else out of the large wardrobe to wear. He put it on and left his old clothes on the floor, taking the bag and setting it next to the sharps container. He wanted one last look around before he left again.

He strode to the living and the first thing that caught his attention was his phone, still sitting on the table, though the letter he'd left was gone. He stared at his phone for a moment before walking over to it. He should make a call while he had the chance. Without much hesitation he hit the '7' key and gave his code word 'dilaudid' when the ringing stopped.

"Wonderful afternoon isn't it?"

Reid sighed, "Cut the small talk. How much can you get me, and how soon?"

"You're out already?"

"No, but nearly. I'm spending some time away from home, and I won't have much phone access. Figured I should stock up."

"I have two ready, and could maybe come up with three more, for a total of five phials. Any more might raise suspicion."

"Great. Give them to Tamesis, your number seven, he knows where to find me."

"What are you running from?"

Reid paused and frowned, "I'm not running."

"Hiding then?"

"I'm not. Just stop questioning me and do your job or I'll find someone else." Reid said. They both knew it was an idle threat though. There was no way Reid would start dealing with anyone else. It wasn't safe to deal with street thugs.

"As you wish. Though if I might say something, you're starting to act like you have the control and power in this relationship. Let me remind you that you don't. I hold the cards, I pull the strings, and you would be nothing more than filth without me. Tamesis, who is now number six by the way, is out on a drop right now. This gives me time to come up with three more phials, so that when he checks in I can send him to you."

"Okay."

"Goodbye Doctor."

Reid sighed and disconnected the call. Keeping his phone in hand he walked over to his computer desk and set it down there. He tore off a bit of paper and wrote another note, '_I'm still okay._' which he left on the coffee table before he picked up his bag and his sharps box and left the apartment again.

He rushed out again, hoping he hadn't been seen, and made his way to the clinic again. The walk seemed to go faster than he remembered it, but that was a good thing He walked in and set the container on the counter, eyeing Cilia. She gave him a sad smile as she came over.

"Glad you came back." she said, though it was only half true. She was glad he'd come back so she knew he was getting clean needles, but she didn't like that he still needed them at all.

The corner of Reid's mouth twitched and he shrugged, "Sixty please."

Cilia sighed, "Coming right up." She took the container and emptied it with care before counting out packages of syringes. She bundled them in sets of ten to keep track of them and then handed the six bundles and the container back to Reid. "Are you going to be okay?" she asked before she could stop herself.

Reid nodded, shoving the bundles into his bag, "I'll be fine. I _am_ fine." After a pause he looked away and added, "Bye." before leaving the clinic and taking the backstreets back to Tamesis' hole. This walk seemed to take even less time than the second walk to the clinic had, even though it was twice as far.

He lifted up on the handle and shouldered the door open. The first thing he noticed was that the candles and lamp had been lit. The second was the sound; a gasping sound. The third was the shadowed form of Tamesis sitting on the couch, his head tilted over the back. Reid was thankful that he couldn't see through the back of the couch, but it didn't take a genius to know what was going on on the other side. "What the… Oh god, Tamesis!" Reid yelled, feeling both angry and sick to his stomach at the same time.

"Hey Reid." Tamesis said with a smile, looking over at Reid. "You weren't here, so I couldn't ask. Not to mention it's my place, so don't give me that look."

"Are you always this… disgusting?" Reid spat not wanting to enter the room, but wanting to put his stuff down.

"Oh… Yes…" Tamesis breathed out, his voice nearly getting swallowed up by the sucking sounds.

Reid wasn't sure if Tamesis was answering his question, or if it was due to the activity he couldn't see but knew was happening. Maybe it was both. Reid kept his distance from the couch as he walked through the room to the tiny open kitchen where he set his things on the counter. He tried to ignore Tamesis' moans and cries by focusing on settling his stomach so that he wouldn't throw up. He gripped the edge of the filthy counter by the sink, and took deep breaths. On Tamesis' finally cry he nearly lost it, but turned the sickness into anger and spun around. "Get. Out!"

Tamesis stood and did himself up before turning around. "I made sure we didn't use the bed for you."

"You're sick, T. You have a job to do, go do it!" Reid snapped.

"Reid…" Tamesis almost looked hurt at the words 'you're sick' probably because it was true. "It was in our deal I could use this space for that and more whenever I wanted."

"You could have put a sign on the door or something. '_In Use, Come Back Later_' would have worked just fine."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, just get out and do your job. I don't want to see you until then. And you," he turned to the junkie, "if you touched any of my stuff I swear you'll regret it!"

Tamesis swallowed hard, "He didn't touch your stuff, just chill. He used my supply of rigs. And I don't have a job to do."

"Yes you do, so get the hell out!" Reid snapped.

Tamesis dug out his phone and noticed he missed a text message. "Oh… so I guess I do." He flipped it opened, read it, and smiled. "And it's for you apparently. No wonder you're so snippy. I'll get right on this."

"Stop talking and get out." Reid said.

The junkie glanced between the two and then whispered to Tamesis, "Your boyfriend's crazy."

He didn't whisper soft enough though and both Reid and Tamesis replied with, "He's not my boyfriend!"

Tamesis took a deep breath and then said, "I'll be back with your supply. And I am sorry; you shouldn't have had to see that." Without another word he and the junkie left the room, closing the door behind them.

Reid sighed and swallowed the bile rising in his throat, "Seeing is nothing, what I shouldn't have had to do was live it." He closed his eyes feeling disgusted with himself for a moment before heading over to the bed and taking the last of his old syringes out of the wrapper. He took off his jacket and drew up 3cc's from his last phial; well the last until later. Without a second thought he injected the drug deep into his veins and let the world slip away for a while. It was easy to forget the self hatred when the cause was no longer present. Or at least when your brain could no longer process the cause.


	35. Clues

Chapter 35: Clues

It took just over an hour for Tamesis to collect the goods from his boss and make his way back to his old home. When he shouldered open the door he noticed the candles had almost died down completely. "Reid." he whispered. There was a small groan from the corner the bed was located in. "Reid?" Tamesis made his way over to the corner and crouched down. "Hey Reid." he placed a hand on Reid's shoulder and got another groan for a reply. "Come on Reid, sit up." Tamesis said.

"Go away." Reid murmured.

"I have your supply." Tamesis said, and Reid opened one eye to look at him. "You're not getting it until you sit up."

Reid closed his eye again and said, "I don't want to sit up. Just put them on there," he pointed a finger to the bedside table, "and take the money from my wallet in my jacket pocket."

"No, first you're going to sit up for me."

"T… Don't take this the wrong way, but screw off." Reid replied.

Tamesis smirked, unintentional, though not completely unwanted, thoughts running through his head. "Maybe later. Sit. Up." Reid couldn't fight the hands pulling him into a sitting position. Stubbornly Reid refused to hold his head up, letting it lull back to rest on the wall. At least he thought he was doing it on purpose. "There doesn't that feel better?" Tamesis asked.

"No." Reid mumbled, as the sudden elevation made his head pound. He opened his eyes and looked at T. "I'm sitting now, you happy? Leave the drugs, take the money, and go."

"Actually I think I'm going to stick around for a while." he said, taking the phials out one by one and leaving them on the side table.

"Why would you do that?"

"I dunno, maybe I just miss this place?" Tamesis reached for Reid's wallet and took out all the bills, counting them. "Reid." he said glancing at him. Reid's eyes were closed again. "Reid," he spoke a little more sharply, "there's not enough here."

"What do you mean?" Reid asked, opening his eyes.

"There's not even half here."

Reid squished his eyes shut, whispering something that sounded awfully similar to 'damn it'. "I-I can't go get more right now."

"Obviously, you can't hardly sit up; I assume walking is out of the question." Tamesis replied.

Actually that hadn't been the reason. Reid knew if he used his bank card the team might find him, and he didn't want to be found just yet. "You… you can take my card and withdraw however much more you need."

"You trust me with your bank card and pin number?"

"Yes." Reid replied after only a brief pause. "On your way to hand the money over and give your report… or whatever it is you do… Use… use it then, just not around here." Reid's speech was slow and breathy.

"You think it's being tracked?" Tamesis asked and Reid nodded. "And you're sure you trust me?"

"Yes, just go." Reid said, and recited the digits for his pin number.

"You'll be okay while I'm gone?" Genuine concern laced Tamesis' features.

Reid gave a small nod, the most energy he could muster, and breathed out, "Go." He opened his eyes again and tried to smile, but failed, "I'm sure you'll be back before I know it."

Tamesis frowned but nodded. He walked to the door, the money and Reid's bank card stuffed in his pocket. He stopped to look back at Reid once, before closing the door and walking a few blocks so he could hail a cab to take him across town.

* * *

Hotch walked out of Strauss' office, mixed emotions playing inside him. He'd been able to stall her on processing Reid's resignation, but had now been given a set date to find Reid by. It was actually a far more generous deadline than he'd expected, two weeks, but something in his gut was telling him it wouldn't be enough. His phone chirped in his pocket and he answered roughly, "Hotchner."

"Aaron, he was home." Gideon said.

Hotch wanted to be happy, but something in Gideon's tone prevented it. "Is he still there?"

"No. Landlord called me to say Reid was seen leaving the building."

"How long ago?"

"Over an hour."

"Why weren't you called sooner?"

"I don't know, but Aaron, we were there an hour ago. We couldn't have missed him by much." Gideon's voice was sad.

Hotch frowned, feeling guilty for telling Gideon to go home. Gideon had either forgotten that little bit of information, or was being kind enough not to mention it and deepen the guilt. "Are you there now?" he asked.

"I'm on my way."

"Good, call everyone and get them to meet you there. I'll be there as soon as I can." Nothing more needed to be said and they both hung up as Hotch headed for the elevator.

* * *

When Gideon arrived at Reid's apartment building his first stop was to the landlord's office to see if anything more could be gathered. He didn't get much other than Reid looked kind of sick and he'd been carrying a bag and a container of some kind. Gideon gave thanks for the information, even though he didn't like it, and then stood by the main doors to let everyone in when they arrived.

One at a time Morgan, Prentiss, and JJ all showed up and as a group they made their way up to Reid's apartment. Gideon unlocked the door and stepped inside, everyone following his lead. Gideon stopped at the bedroom and noticed the old clothes on the floor and the box on the bed. He also noted that the sharps container was gone from where he put it. With a sigh he said, "Changed his clothes, and probably packed a bag to take with him. Took his sharps container too." Gideon forced himself to keep walking.

Morgan spoke up behind him, "So he's definitely not planning on coming back any time soon. However we know he's still trying to be safe, and at least somewhat keep up his personal hygiene. That's a good sign. What else have we got?"

Gideon had made it to the living room and was picking up the small piece of paper off the table. He read it and his heart broke a little more, his soul cracking and slipping away. Silently he passed it to Morgan who read it, frowned, and then passed it along.

"So, he's still keeping us in the loop. Going through great lengths to make sure we know he's okay. What's that tell us?" Morgan asked, in full profiler mode.

"Tells us he doesn't want us worrying about him." Prentiss said.

"But he's also made a point to push us all away. It doesn't fit." Morgan countered.

Prentiss nodded, "He probably figures by pushing us away it'll lessen the blow."

"He should know that's not true." Gideon's voice was so soft and quiet the others barely heard him.

"He should, but I think we all have a pretty clear idea on where his mind is at right now." Morgan replied.

Everyone nodded numbly except for Gideon who was looking around. "His phone." he whispered, "His phone was here." He looked to his left and then moved over to the computer desk. "He moved it."

"He probably used it. Can you check the call history?" Prentiss asked.

Gideon nodded and searched for the history, "Last call was… to his dealer." Gideon swallowed hard and his shoulders slumped.

"Anything else?" Morgan pushed.

Gideon looked at the phone again, "The call before that was on the day he left. The number's not stored in his phone."

Morgan opened his phone and started dialling Garcia, "What are the digits? I'll see if Garcia can find anything." Light banter was shared, and Morgan gave Garcia the phone number.

"The number isn't publicly registered so it's going to take a little bit of digging to find a name." Garcia replied, "I'll call you back when I have something."

A sound from the hall brought their attention back that way as Hotch joined them. They filled him in on what they'd surmised here and Hotch nodded before looking at Morgan, "You tell them what happened earlier."

Morgan shook his head, "I hadn't had the chance yet."

Everyone turned their attention to Morgan who explained the encounter with Tamesis earlier. Hotch filled in some of the details Morgan skipped over along the way. When it was all said and done there was a large moment of silence before JJ asked, "He claims he told you where Reid is?"

"Yeah, he also tried to convince us to let him get his rocks off in an alley with some junkie." Morgan said. Prentiss looked at him, a dark expression crossing her face. Morgan furrowed his brow for a moment and then raised them in shock, "No no no no no, you don't think…? Not Reid…"

"I'm not saying anything definitive," Prentiss said, "I just think it's possible. I'd like to think Reid has more sense than that, but if this wasn't Reid I'd definitely consider that possibility. They did go off alone together for an entire evening."

"You don't think Reid would exchange himself for payment for the drugs, do you?" Hotch asked. "He is going to run out of money eventually."

Gideon turned and walked over to the window, it wasn't the best view, but he couldn't stand there and listen to that sort of speculation. He distracted himself by watching the cars and the breeze through the trees, and tuned out the conversation behind him.

They fell silent only long enough to let Gideon get into a zone before they kicked up their conversation again. "I don't know what Reid would do, Hotch. I don't know him as well as the rest of you. All I can work on is the facts we have, and previous knowledge of similar cases. I just know anyone who takes drugs long enough gets desperate. They'll do whatever it takes, whatever is asked of them, to get their next fix. Just like with alcohol, inhibitions get lowered. They do things they wouldn't normally do. Eventually nothing, not friends or family or their own morals, are as important as the drugs." Prentiss said.

Morgan nodded, "I've seen it a lot back home. I've known kids who have gone down that road and never come back."

"So you think he's let himself go like that?" JJ asked Prentiss.

"I never said that. I said it could have happened, and if it hasn't there's a good chance it will. Look we've got a good sign that he took his sharps box with him. He's still trying to be safe, which is a good indicator he still hasn't given up on his standards yet."

Morgan's phone started ringing and he took it out, "You got a name for me baby doll?"

"No, not exactly." Garcia replied.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I thought you'd like to know that Reid's card has just been used at an ATM across town from his apartment."

"Across town? You sure?"

"Positive. Inside a convenience store on the North side."

"Can you hack into their security feed?"

"I can try." Her fingers clicked away on the keys and for what felt like ages they waited in tense silence until she replied, "It's not Reid.

"Who is it?" Morgan asked.

"I don't know the angle's not that good. Male, 20's, longish hair."

"What's he wearing?"

"Uh, jeans and a fantastic leather jacket."

"Sonofabitch," Morgan said, "I knew that no good bastard knew more than he let on." Hotch shot him a look and Morgan took a second to breathe, "Thanks Garcia. How much did he take out?"

"Cleaned out the ATM. Over 1000."

JJ frowned, "So he's robbing Reid now?"

"Maybe, maybe not. Reid knew we'd track his card. If these two have some sort of arrangement Reid could have sent him out to get money." Hotch said.

Morgan was about to swear again when Garcia cut him off, "I got a name come back on that number, and you're not gonna like it."

"What is it?"

"It's registered to Reid's dealer."

"But that's not the number Reid uses to contact him." Morgan said.

Hotch nodded, "He probably supplies phones to all of his employees. The guys that do the exchanges would each have one to keep in contact with him."

"So how much do you want to bet that number belongs to the guy Reid's been with?" Prentiss asked, though it was a rhetorical question.

"We need to go over the conversation we had with him again." Hotch said, looking at Morgan.

Morgan nodded and spoke to the phone, "Thanks hot stuff, I'll keep in touch." He closed his phone as JJ went over to the window and brought Gideon back to them. He was filled in on the recent news and then Morgan and Hotch recapped their conversation with Tamesis again.

Prentiss was deep in thought for a long while before she asked, "Do 'freebase' and 'Persian' have any significance?" She was looking at Morgan as she spoke.

He shrugged, "I said I've seen it happen to people, I never got close enough to learn much. Never wanted to learn. Even in basic training classes I did my best to tune it out."

Gideon nodded though, "If I remember correctly they're exactly what he said they were. Types of a specific drug."

"Why would he use specifics like that though?" Prentiss asked again.

"To torment us?" Morgan offered, not helping much.

JJ sighed, "So he says he'll tell you what he knows, he does the deal, invites a guy back to his place, and then claims he told you everything you needed?" Hotch and Morgan nodded, and JJ said, "Is it possible Reid's at his place?"

"Would it be that simple?" Prentiss wondered.

"It's possible," Hotch said, "but why would he take someone back there if Reid was there?"

"Maybe he knew the place would be vacant? Because Reid wasn't there, he was here." Gideon said.

The realization of that distinct possibility set in and both Morgan and Hotch silently cursed themselves for not following the guy. Prentiss was gaining frown lines as she continued to ponder the conversation. "I still think there's something significant about those two words. The way you say he said it, stretching it out, prolonging the phrases. It's definitely vital."

Morgan called up Garcia again on a hunch, "Did you store the information from your previous search on abandoned buildings?"

"Of course I did, sugar. What do you need?"

"Cross reference the words 'freebase' and 'Persian' see what you get."

There was fast clicking on the keys, and then she said, "Nothing for 'freebase'… One hit for 'Persian'. The former Persian Apartments just a few blocks from Reid's."

"That's got to be it." Gideon said, not wanting to sound too desperate.

"What about 'freebase' though? What would it mean?" JJ asked.

Garcia's voice perked up from the phone, "My best guess, 'free basement' as in a free basement apartment."

"Garcia you're a genius!" Morgan exclaimed. "Just give us an address." She rattled it off and Morgan hung up with just a quick 'thank you'.

Hotch and Gideon were already heading for the door. "Let's not waste time." Hotch said, leaving no room for argument. Not that any of them would have.


	36. Van Nuys AKA Persian

**A/N: Another Heroin Diaries inspired chapter. :D  
Enjoy!!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the soundtrack or the show.**

* * *

_Van Nuys - Sixx:A.M. _

_I don't want to die  
Out here in the valley  
Waiting for my luck to change  
And I just want my dad to know  
That I finally made it_

_Everybodygets high  
Everybody gets low  
Everybody gets bruised  
Everybody gets sold_

_I don't wanna die,  
Out here in the valley  
You don't have to lie  
I know that's what I'll do_

_I don't want my mom to know  
That I never loved my life  
And I sold my soul_

* * *

Chapter 36: Van Nuys – A.K.A. Persian

Reid's head felt heavy. He felt a little sick. He didn't want to move. Tamesis had left maybe five minutes ago, but Reid had been on a low from the previous high for a lot longer than that. He was starting to hate the moments when he wasn't high. It hurt too much. Everything hurt. Not just physically, but there was a level of mental anguish involved too. When he wasn't high his brain worked at the level it always did; never letting him forget. Only now, rather than facts and statistics, it was trapping him with memories of his friends. He didn't want to see them, he certainly didn't want them to see him, not like this, but most importantly he didn't want to think about them. Thinking about them would only bring more sadness, which was the last thing he needed.

He cast his gaze around the room, slowly taking in everything he could. The candles and lamp were burning low. He knew he should get up to light more but that seemed like too much effort right now. His eyes fell to the phial on the side table. Just one hit left in there, but there was more on the way. Just looking at it made him want it. He could swear his mouth was watering. The only question was could he reach it from where he was sitting? Probably not, which meant he'd have to move and he didn't want to. There was also the matter of not having a clean syringe within reach. All the new ones were still in his clothing bag, which was across the room.

He wasn't sure how much time had passed, probably not long, but he realised minutes later that he was still staring at the phial. His lust for it sickened him and excited him at the same time. He forced his eyes closed whimpering slightly. He needed a distraction, something, anything, to keep his mind off the drugs. He didn't want to think of the team but the next person that came to mind was his father. He wanted to laugh; if it wasn't one heartbreaking memory it was another. He was beginning to wonder if he'd ever actually had a happy moment.

"Oh dad," Reid mumbled opening his eyes with a heavy sigh, "if only you could see me now." He fell silent keeping his thoughts to himself. '_If only you knew this is what I'd become, maybe you'd never have left. But you didn't know, you couldn't have known, no one could. Well, I made it to the top, I accomplished a lot, and then I crashed and burned. It's all your fault too. Really, what more could one have expected from a social outcast, who's seen and experienced more than their fair share of torment, and never had a father figure in the most crucial years of their life. Dad, what did you think would have happened?_' Reid sighed again and squished his eyes shut causing a single tear to escape and trickle down his cheek.

He brushed it away angrily and used the new found energy to push himself over to the side table. He took up the phial and the previously used syringe. He frowned at the syringe before deciding that it hadn't been out long enough to start growing bacteria or become infected with anything. He knew he should sterilize it, but if he was going to do that he may as well grab a fresh one, and getting off the bed still seemed a little too much like work. He knew one thing for certain, he didn't want to be thinking about friends or family right now, and the only way to stop his brain was to take more drugs.

Trying to ignore the used state of the syringe in his hand he drew up the last dregs of the phial that he could. It was just under the 3cc mark. He wanted to close his eyes as he placed the needle against his skin but he knew if he didn't watch what he was doing he could injure himself. He took in a deep breath and bit down on his lower lip before injecting the drug deep into his veins.

The drugs slammed into his brain, attacking the pleasure sensors in a mad frenzy. Reid's eyes rolled back in his head and he let out a groan, blindly dropping the phial and syringe on the floor before curling up on his side and letting the drugs take over. It was bliss; it always was. This time however, there were still niggling thoughts trying to poke their way into his consciousness. Flashes of his mother guilting him for what he'd just done. He whimpered, trying to push the thoughts away. He knew she wasn't really there but even just imagining her seeing him like this was worse than death and eternal damnation. He didn't want her to know that this was the final path he'd chosen. He didn't want her to know that growing up he'd never loved his life. Having to take care of her all the time and still keep up with the demands of being a child genius. It was too much too soon. He hadn't been equipped to deal with it, and now what? He's practically sold his soul to the devil to escape the constant pressures of life. Yes, he knew she'd be ashamed. Even if she wasn't lucid enough to know it was her son that had sunk so low, she'd feel sadness and remorse just for the tragic tale of it all.

Another tear escaped his eyes and he pulled his knees up and wrapped his arms around his head. He realised suddenly that he was going to die here. Maybe not tonight, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and strangely he was alright with that so long as no one he loved had to see him like this. He'd just die here, and one day, hopefully not too long after the fact, Tamesis would find him and call someone to take his body away. And he was alright with this.

He didn't want to die, nobody ever wants to die. At least not in such disgusting conditions. However he didn't see any other outcome. Everyone dies eventually. If he had a choice it wouldn't be here, but he was sure he wasn't being given a choice. No one got to choose when they died, it just happened. Sooner or later, probably sooner, it would be him. And chances are he'd be right here, on this stinking bed when it happened. Right where fate had put him, surrounded by filth and decay. Where he belonged.

Reid groaned cursing his overactive brain. He was meant to be enjoying this high and it so wasn't happening like that. Maybe he was building up a tolerance? That seemed likely as the 3cc's that had worked earlier didn't seem to cut it now when it came to shutting off his brain. He was tired, he wanted to enjoy these sensations and then sleep, but his brain was still in overdrive, constantly forcing images at him. Now instead of family and friends it was various flashes of him alone, dead, in various states of decay.

He choked on a sob that came out of nowhere, and streams of tears followed. He let them flow this time, opting to curl up tighter and try to hide his whole self from the world, the tears with him. He couldn't pinpoint where it all went wrong. Was it that fateful day in a corn field that had decided his fate, or had it been before that as a child? Was there ever only one deciding factor of a person's fate? He mused it was probably a combination of life events and genetics. Exactly why he'd ended up here was a question that would probably never be answered, and he wasn't sure he wanted it answered. At least not yet. That sort of information only was granted when one died and Reid was sure he still had a few good weeks left in him.

As he cried and released the emotions the thoughts he had drifted off and he was left with a peaceful emptiness. His brain had finally been blocked from sending him unwanted thoughts and he could enjoy what was left of the high and then sleep. He took a few deep breaths and stopped the tears before wiping his eyes. He stayed curled up and just focused on the weakened tingles running through him. It was better than nothing but it certainly wasn't enjoyable.

There seemed to be a breeze blowing from somewhere he couldn't pin down, but at one point it made him shiver and the sudden movement cause a jolt to gush through him. It lit him on fire, if only for a second or two, but it was enough to make him groan with need and bring a smile to his lips. He wasn't broken, not completely. He could still enjoy this given the right conditions. He forced himself to shiver again and laughed as another jolt of pleasure shot through him. He was sure he was a lost cause but that didn't mean he was going to suffer through his final days. He'd do everything in his power to enjoy whatever time he had left, and at this moment that included inducing shivering.

He rode with the limited waves of pleasure for about ten more minutes before he fell into a deep slumber. The air around him was cold but he no longer shivered from it. In his dreams this life was just a bad nightmare he hadn't woken up from. He was safe and well at home. The truth would hit him when he woke but for now he let himself enjoy the delusion that all was well in the world, or at least his world.

* * *

_Everybody gets_ _high  
Everybody gets low  
Everybody gets bruised  
Everybody gets sold_

_Everybody gets dark  
Everybody unfolds  
Everybody gets high  
Everybody gets so low_

_And everyone's eyes are blue  
And everyone's mouth is dry  
And nobody wants to die in Van Nuys, Van Nuys_

_Everybody gets high  
Everybody gets low  
Everybody gets bruised  
Everybody gets slow_

_Well you don't know how to get back to your crawl space  
Underneath the dirt and the rust and the waste  
But the sun sets fast these days._

_Everyone's eyes are blue  
And everyone's mouth is dry  
And nobody wants to die in Van Nuys, Van Nuys_

* * *

**A/N2: The title of this chapter is in 2 parts as you may have noticed. I said I was naming all the song inspired chapters after the song... then I realised 'Van Nuys' doesn't fit. Van Nuys is a place in California, near LA I think. It's where Nikki Sixx lived, inside his "heroin house". So, I added the Persian bit to make it relate to this chapter.** **Persian Apartments is Reid's "heroin house" or "Dilaudid den" in his case.**

**Cheers!!  
Now R&R!!**


	37. Tomorrow

**A/N: Finally!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own CM or The Heroin Diaries**

* * *

_Tomorrow - By Sixx:A.M._

_Where ya gonna be tomorrow?  
How ya gonna face the sorrow?  
Where ya gonna be when you die?  
'Cause nothing's gonna last forever  
And things they change like the weather  
They're gone in the blink of an eye_

_Just look at yourself, can you see where you are?  
Look at yourself, now you can't hide the scars  
Just look at yourself 'cause there's nowhere to go  
And you know_

_Tomorrow  
You're gonna have to live with the things you say  
Tomorrow  
You'll have to cross bridges that you burned today  
Tomorrow...  
And everything you do, it's coming back for you  
You'll never outrun what waits for you  
Tomorrow._

* * *

Chapter 37: Tomorrow

The team scrambled out of the vehicles in front of a rundown apartment building. The sign on the roof read, 'Per ia '. Where the missing letters had disappeared to was anyone's guess. The snow was still lightly falling but was no longer melting as it hit the ground. Now there was a thin layer that crunched under their shoes as they stepped up to the main doors.

Morgan checked the handles and noticed they were chained and bolted shut. He wiped at the dirty window with his arm and peered inside. "Looks like there's two apartments per floor, but there's no way anyone's been living here."

"If our hunch is correct," Hotch said, "he should be in the basement."

"There are no stairs leading down there." Morgan said, still looking in the window.

"Maybe the basement is accessed another way?" Prentiss offered.

Gideon nodded, "Private doors, probably on the sides."

Prentiss walked to the left while Morgan stepped away from the window and jogged right. He noticed a small set of stairs only about three steps down to a door which was padlocked shut. "It's locked on this side!" he called out jogging back the way he came as everyone turned to where Prentiss had gone.

Her voice called back to them, "This one's open!" She picked up her pace, running down the stairs as everyone followed her lead. She pushed the door further open, widening it from a small crack till it creaked completely open. They gathered in the doorway, trying to let their eyes adjust to the darkness. There was no light now; not a candle or lamp in sight. The only way to see into the small room was the light streaming in from the doorway, but even it wasn't much at this time of day. They could see bits and pieces of furniture in the room, and as they slowly made their way forward, holding their breath, the corner of the bed came into sight.

It was JJ who noticed the form on top of the bed first, recognising him immediately. "He's here." she whispered, but she didn't move forward, instead letting Gideon get passed her to crouch next to the bed.

"Reid… Spencer…" he whispered, reaching out a hand to touch his cheek. He stopped himself from pulling away at the touch; the only comfort was Reid's warm breath on his hand. "He's cold." he said, more to himself than to anyone else.

"It's freezing in here." Prentiss said. "And the door was open a crack, and it's snowing outside. I don't think this place has any heat."

As Hotch's eyes adjusted he noticed the burned down candles and the oil lamp. "No heat, and no electricity, probably no running water either. We were right about that." he said, referring to their initial assessment of where Reid had gone.

"Spencer," Gideon whispered again and everyone turned their attention back to him and Reid. Gideon looked down to the floor to make sure the area was clear and he could safely drop his knees. He noticed the discarded empty phial and needle and it took him a moment to swallow the lump in his throat and push them carefully aside so he could kneel. "Spencer, wake up and look at me." Gideon said his voice unusually calm as he brush hair off Reid's face and patted his cheek to get his attention.

Reid groaned and mumbled something incoherent.

"Spencer." Gideon urged.

Again Reid groaned, "Go away, T, leave me alone."

The team exchanged glances, each of them sure that read wasn't completely awake. "Spencer, its Gideon." he said. "Come on, wake up and look at me."

Another groan as Reid became more aware, "Just leave. I just…" he sighed heavily, "I just want to die."

Gideon turned his head, "JJ, give me your jacket please." She nodded and obliged, sliding out of her outdoor fall wear; a down-filled baby-blue jacket, with a fur-lined hood. She handed it over and Gideon draped it over Reid, and shook his shoulder slightly. "Come on, Spencer. You don't want to die. There's still so much for you to do, see, and learn. You're not done yet." He shook Reid's shoulder again and slowly Reid opened his eyes with a frown.

Reid looked at Gideon, blinking sleepily, not quite processing what was going on. He frowned as he looked at Gideon, and it took a full three seconds before his eyes went wide and he scooted back away from the edge of the bed and tucked himself into the corner. "No no no no no. You… You're not here." he said, trying to fight back tears. He didn't want Gideon to see him like this. "This… This isn't happening. It's not real." he mumbled to himself, hoping this was just a nightmare; his worst nightmare. He shivered and then noticed the jacket he'd pulled away from. He reached forward tentatively and pulled it toward him, hugging it to himself and hiding within it. It smelled of baby powder and peppermint; it smelled like… He looked up passed Gideon and saw JJ with her arms wrapped around herself for warmth. Quickly he tossed the jacket away from him, the scent making him want to vomit. He cast his eyes around and noticed the rest of the team, minus Garcia, all staring at him. "Go." he said firmly, then swallowed and began to shout. "GO AWAY! All of you! Just leave me the hell alone, for Christ's sake!"

"Reid, buddy." Morgan started, but didn't get far.

"No! Just shut up! Go! I don't want you here. Any of you! Can't you see I just want to be left alone!?"

Morgan stepped up behind Gideon and noticed the discarded syringe next to the side table. He bent down and carefully picked it up. "Left alone? Left alone to ruin your life with drugs!? You think we're going to let you do that!?"

"Morgan!" It was Hotch reprimanding him now.

He turned to look at his superior, "What? We're just going to sit by and do nothing? No way, man. No way."

"Morgan, we're going to tell Reid what we want to say, in a calm and mature manner, and then we're going to treat him like an adult, and let him make his own choices." Hotch hated saying it, he, just as much as everyone else, wanted nothing more than to drag Reid out of there kicking and screaming if they had to, but that wasn't a possibility any more.

"You can't be serious, Hotch." Morgan said.

"I am. So if you have a problem with that you're just going to have to deal with it." Hotch replied.

Reid looked back and forth between them; he could practically see the sparks flying. When Morgan relaxed finally and set the syringe down Reid looked at Hotch, a slight air of gratitude in his gaze which wasn't returned. Hotch kept eye contact for only a moment before he looked away and left Reid to find somewhere else to look. Silence was beating down on them until Gideon broke it.

"Spencer, please come back with us. Let me take you home. You don't have to do this alone."

Reid shook his head, "No. I appreciate the sentiment, but I don't need your help. I don't want your help. And I don't want to go home."

"Come on, Spencer. You're not alone in this. We want to help you. Just tell us how."

"You can't help me, Gideon. It's too late for that. I'm beyond help now. I just want you to leave me alone, please. I don't… I don't want you to witness this."

"Spencer…" Gideon's voice cracked and he reached out towards Reid.

"Don't!" Reid snapped. "Don't touch me. Please, god, leave me alone!!"

Gideon pulled his hand back, his eyes conveying such a deep sadness that Reid had to look away. No one spoke for a moment until Prentiss shook her head and sighed. "Reid, think about what you're saying. This might be your only chance to get back on track. We can help you. You need friends and support."

Reid looked up at her, and then past her, a smile threatening to tug at the corner of his mouth. "I have friends, or a friend. And he's done more to support me than any of you."

-0-0-0-0-

As Tamesis rounded the corner of the apartment his heart skipped a beat. The door was open. He only paused for a second when he heard Reid yell, "Don't! Don't touch me! Please, god, leave me alone!!" Tamesis ran, it wasn't a great distance but it felt like it took forever. He jumped down the short set of stairs and landed softly. He stepped into the room as Prentiss spoke, and he realised any scenario that had been in his head wasn't this. This he could deal with.

As Reid looked up at him and spoke, Tamesis smiled and waited for everyone to follow Reid's gaze to him. "Good evening." he smiled innocently. "Would you mind telling me why you're in my place?"

"We're here to help." Hotch offered, stepping forward.

Tamesis ignored him and looked to Reid, "Are they helping?" Reid shook his head and Tamesis sighed. "So then, if you're here to help, why did I hear him yelling? Seems to me you're only stressing him out."

"We want to help him." Hotch said.

"All good and well, but does he want your help?" Once again Tamesis looked to Reid who shook his head again. "Well that settles it. Get out."

"Please, let us help him. We have the means to do more than you can, no offence." Hotch said to Tamesis.

"None taken, but that's where you're wrong. He doesn't need what you have to offer. He just needs support to make his own choices. That is something I can tell none of you will be able to give him. All of you will want to force him to do something he doesn't want to do. I won't let you do that. So again, get out, and don't come back."

Morgan looked at Reid, "Reid, tell him that's not what you want!"

Reid shook his head so it was Hotch's turn to speak to him, "Reid, is that what you want? Do you want us to leave?"

After a beat Reid nodded, "Please go. I'm sorry, but please. I can't go with you any more."

"You heard him." Tamesis said, squeezing his way past the gathered group towards Reid. He sat down on the bed and looked at Gideon pointedly, and then indicated the door with his finger.

When Gideon finally stood he looked down at Reid, "You know my number if you need me. And I'm available on the holidays, so if you want more company for thanksgiving or Christmas, and maybe a good meal, I'm here for you." Reid nodded and then looked away.

Tamesis sighed, "Well, what are you all waiting for? Leave. Please." He stood and moved to the supply of candles and started setting them up and lighting them, leaving the team to show themselves out. There was an itching between his shoulder blades and he turned around to see the dark-haired female looking at him. "Can I help you?"

"I'd just like a moment to speak my mind, and then I'll go." Prentiss said looking at Reid.

Tamesis nodded, "Be my guest, but you only have until I get these candles lit, and the oil lamp refilled."

"Thank you." She said and turned to sit on the bed. She noticed JJ's jacket was gone, so she must have grabbed it on her way out. She sighed, "Reid, you know you may not want us, them, right now, but you might eventually. And if you keep pushing them away over and over eventually they'll give up and they won't take you back. You have to look into the future and see where you're going to be if you keep going down this path. How will you face all this pain and suffering every day? If you don't seriously change now, you could die here."

"What's your point?" Reid mumbled.

Prentiss shifted closer, "Look at yourself, Reid." She reached out and gently took his right arm, pushing the sleeve up and turning it wrist up to look at the scabs, marks, and bruises on his inner arm. "Does this not scare you? These scars? You can't hide them from us, and I don't know about everyone else, but it scares me."

Reid looked down and then turned his head away, "It's nothing. It's fine."

"Fine? Reid, if you're not careful I'm afraid your arm is going to fall off."

Reid pulled his arm away, but it wasn't hard for him to do as Prentiss had let go at the same time. He hugged his knees to him and rested his cheek on his knees, facing away from her. "You can go now." he mumbled.

"I'm not done yet. Just hear me out and then I'll leave." When Reid didn't respond she continued, "There's no where left for you to go, so tomorrow, or the next day, or a week from today, you're going to have to live with what you just said to them. You've burned bridges that you're going to have to cross eventually. Everything you do is going to come back to bite you. You can't escape it, Reid."

"I can try." Reid mumbled, but Prentiss either didn't hear, or chose to ignore it.

"What are you so scared of? Are you trying to escape having feelings? Because Reid, you're allowed to be scared, or sad, or angry, that's normal. You don't have to hide from those feelings. Or, have you just given in to this madness and stopped trying to fight your demons?" She didn't get an answer so she continued on, "I know you've got your own reasons that you'll use to justify everything you're going through, but you have to stop living in this haze. Open your eyes and look at what you're doing to yourself. How can you possibly like what you see?" She sighed and took a moment to collect her thoughts, "So, I don't know what you're waiting for, but this… this is your chance to pick yourself up. Nothing is stopping you. You know how to contact us, any of us, if you change your mind."

Reid looked up at her, his eyes shimmering, "Thank you, but I won't. Now please leave." he said, looking passed her to Tamesis who nodded and lit the oil lamp before taking Prentiss by the arm and seeing her to the door.

"I can see you all care about him." he whispered, "But you do have to let him make his own choices. Right now he wants to be alone. If he changes his mind I'm sure you'll be one of the first to know. Until then, leave him alone. I'll take care of him."

Prentiss nodded and left the small apartment to meet up with the team out front. Tamesis closed the door to lock out the cold and the snow and then turned back to Reid. As he stepped across the room he heard the quiet sobs. Slowly he crawled onto the bed and sat next to Reid. "Hey, you okay?"

Reid nodded, "I will be."

"Why'd you do it? I mean, I'll support your choices, but going with them did seem like the better option. Not that I'm complaining."

"I don't know why. I just… I just couldn't do it. So here I am, exactly where I was before."

"Well if you want I can stay here with you for a few days."

Reid shook his head this time, "No, that's okay. I'll be fine. I'll be…" He choked on another sob.

Tamesis hesitantly reached over and placed a hand on Reid's shoulder, "Are you sure?"

"No." He shook, trying to hold everything in. "M-maybe you could stay for a little while though?"

"Of course," Tamesis said, "anything you want." He became a little bolder and pulled Reid to him. Reid's head landed softly on his shoulder, and the sobs he'd been holding in broke and flooded out on contact. Tamesis swallowed hard, "I'm sorry, Reid." And he was sorry. Not for what Reid was going through, but for having taken advantage of him when he so clearly needed support. He hoped he'd never be tempted to do it again.

* * *

_  
And are you terrified by sadness  
And have you given into madness  
You're running out of places to hide  
'Cause everybody's got a reason  
To justify how they're feelin'  
Maybe you should open your eyesAre you waiting for the reason to change?  
Are you waiting for the end, has it came?  
Nothing's gonna stand in your way..._

_Just look at yourself, do you like what you see?  
Look at yourself, is this how it should be?  
Just look at yourself, 'cause there's nowhere to go  
And you'll know_

_Just look at yourself, do you like what you see?  
Look at yourself, is this how it should be?_


	38. Thanks For Nothing

**A/N: Okay, sorry for the delay on this chapter. I took a break of sorts, to write a special bonus chapter. And that is a chapter only 2 people have seen so far. And only one more person will get to see, but she has to read up to here first! lol**

**However, there are some things that happened in that chapter that you should be aware of... or this one won't make as much sense.  
Reid and Tamesis have struck up a deal. Tamesis is going to monitor Reid's drug use so he doesn't accidently kill himself. And in return, Reid will be there to satisfy Tamesis' _needs_. *cough* So they struck up this deal, and then had a little fun. ;D  
I think that's all you need to know....  
Oh, and T told Reid, Emily is right, and that his arm should really be checked out.... Reid insisted it's fine....**

**(this should have been posted on Thanksgiving... but I was slow.)**

**Cheers!**

* * *

Chapter 38: Thanks For Nothing

Tamesis stayed with Reid until he was sure he would be alright. He took a wad of cash from his pocket and made sure Reid knew it was there for him. "I took extra out for you, just in case you need it for anything." Reid nodded and watched Tamesis leave with a solemn expression. He wasn't sure he wanted to be alone anymore, but he also knew he didn't have much of a choice. Tamesis had a curfew to uphold, and if he was even a second late there could be dire consequences.

Reid changed into warmer clothes and crawled into bed. He wasn't sure how he could sleep after the day's events, but he had to try. It was a fitful night; Reid awoke many times with only one thing on his mind. He cast his eyes to the bedside table, resting his gaze on the clear phials. He'd spend a few minutes looking at them, and then close his eyes and turn away and try to sleep some more.

By the time morning rolled around his muscles were aching. His insides hurt. His whole body was screaming at him, begging to be put out of its misery and numbed. He rolled over and obliged, knowing he wouldn't be able to move, let alone go about his day, if he let this continue any longer. He used his belt as a tourniquet and injected 4cc's of fluid into his blood stream. He let it take effect and sat in a haze for a while. He was so completely unaware of his surroundings that the door opening and a rush of cold air didn't faze him.

He didn't realise anything had changed until Tamesis' face came into focus in front of him. Reid smiled lopsidedly, "Hey you."

"Reid, what the hell!? I thought we had an agreement." Tamesis tried not to shout, but he wasn't pleased.

"Hmm?" Reid asked, confused.

"Why couldn't you wait for me to get here? I got here as soon as I could. How am I supposed to monitor your drug use, if you use when I'm not here?"

Reid's speech was slow but still understandable, "I thought… I thought you weren't coming."

"Why wouldn't I? We have a deal, you and I. I don't make them lightly. Besides that, you're the only person who's ever forgiven me for what I am; what I do, both professionally and personally. I don't know why, but I don't want to loose that."

Reid gave him a small smile and shrugged, "Everyone deserves to be forgiven. Just don't ruin it."

Tamesis nodded, "I won't." He paused and then looked at Reid's arm with a sigh. The sleeve was still rolled up, and he shook his head at the sight. "So, are you going to get that checked out?"

Reid shrugged again, "Soon."

-0-0-0-

'Soon' ended up being about three whole weeks later. Tamesis and Reid carried on their 'relationship' as usual. Everyday Tamesis would monitor how much Reid took, he'd check in after every drop he did, and then leave at night to get back to the compound before curfew locked it down for the night. In turn, Reid would make sure he was always available if Tamesis needed to release his inner urges. Which he did about every other day.

The sun rose on Thanksgiving morning and Reid sighed. He hadn't heard anything from the team for all these weeks. He supposed they finally listened to him, but some part of him was wishing they still tried. Just so he knew they cared. He thought if no one else, at least Gideon would have come to see him. It was no longer a secret where he was staying, but no one did. Maybe they were just away on a case or something. After all, they couldn't hang around here forever, waiting for him to get his act together. There were other people that needed saving too.

Maybe tonight, as it was Thanksgiving, Gideon would come see him. He wasn't sure he had the strength to go see Gideon himself. Physically he could do it, but mentally was a whole different story.

He was snapped out of his thoughts by Tamesis entering the small room. "Hey," he said meekly.

"Hey." Tamesis replied. "Happy Thanksgiving." he smiled a genuine smile.

"We'll see." Reid replied.

"Huh?"

"If it's happy or not; we'll wait and see." Reid said reaching for the phial on the side table. He'd already gone through three and a half of his five he'd ordered. 4cc's was satisfying him for now, but he was sure that wouldn't last too much longer. Reid went through the motions while Tamesis watched closely, and as Reid zoned out Tamesis kept a close eye on his breathing and anything else that might be a sign of disaster. Reid came out the other side feeling better, probably because he wasn't feeling anything at all.

Tamesis sighed as his cell phone buzzed in his pocket, "Gotta run." he stated simply.

Reid nodded and watched him leave before looking down at his arm. If possible it looked even worse than the weeks previous. He was beginning to see what everyone else saw. The bruises were in various states of healing, creating a rainbow of colours on his arm. The scabs were dark, with red edges. It was truly a mystery how he managed to even find a vein at all. He sighed. He'd get it looked at. Today.

His coat was draped over the back of the couch, which seemed like miles away, but he made it there without incident. He huddled down inside it, getting warm, as he grabbed his semi-full sharps box and tucked it under one arm. He still had some syringes left but if he was going to the clinic anyway, he may as well stock up. Box in hand, he opened the door and trudged out into the thin layer of snow.

The walk seemed to take forever, but he arrived without incident. It was warm inside, a lovely atmosphere that made him feel overdressed. He paused to take off his jacket and then made his way past the table and chairs; with occupants he was starting to resemble more and more. He looked away from them and calmly walked to the back counter. He caught Cilia's eye and gave her a weak smile as he set the sharps container on the counter.

Cilia came over quickly, "Back so soon?" Her tone wasn't judgemental, but there was a hint of worry beneath the professionalism.

"I still have some left, don't worry." he replied. "I just thought I'd stock up again, just in case."

"So how many are you exchanging?" Cilia said, taking the container.

"I don't know, you'd have to count them." Reid said, casually placing his right arm in sight while Cilia turned her back. He didn't want to bring it up himself.

A few minutes of silence passed while Cilia counted out the syringes with care, and then gave Reid an equal amount of new ones and the empty container. She paused, catching sight of his arm, and then looked up at him. "Spencer, my god."

"Erm, yeah. That's sort of why I'm here." Reid mumbled.

"How long has it been like this?" she said, taking his arm and inspecting it closely.

"I dunno, a few weeks I think."

She gave him a shocked look, "Why didn't you show this to me one of the last two times you were here?"

He shrugged, "I didn't think it was all that bad until recently."

Cilia sighed, "Come with me. This way." She led him down a side hallway, which you weren't allowed down without an escort. She opened a door and motioned for him to enter, and then she entered behind him and closed the door. It was an exam room, with ample lighting so she could see what she was doing.

Reid had never looked at his arm under such intense light. The sight of it nearly made him recoil. He swallowed hard and held it out for Cilia to look at.

She asked him simple questions as she put on gloves and studied the bruising. "How have you been eating, recently?"

"Alright, I guess."

"Every day?"

"Yes."

"Well, I don't need to weigh you to tell you you're seriously underweight. You were thin to begin with, but you're even thinner now. You need to eat healthier because you're definitely not getting enough nutrition." She fell silent, letting her words sink in. After a few more minutes of silent examination she stepped back and sighed.

"What's the verdict?"

"Well, I think you're lucky. The bruising appears to just be from repeated trauma. You haven't been reusing needles have you?"

Reid shook his head, "No, only once, and never again."

"Good. Constant reuse will dull the tip, which will damage the area even further. Have you been changing injection sites frequently?"

Reid frowned, "Probably not frequently enough."

"What about using your tourniquet to make the veins easier to find?"

He shook his head. "No, I haven't." He sighed looking down at the floor and away from Cilia's non-judgemental eyes.

"You know how dangerous that can be? My advice; start using it again, it'll help. You'll want to watch these scabs carefully. Don't scratch at them or irritate the area any further. They'll scar if you're not careful. There's also a slight bit of swelling, and it's impossible for me to tell what condition the veins underneath are in. It's possible they have scarring as well, or even clots, or have started to collapse on you. I know I can't tell you to quit using altogether, but at least quit using this arm. Let it heal."

Reid nodded, "Whatever you say. I'll do it."

She turned away; digging a key out of one of her pockets, and went over to a large steel cabinet. She unlocked the lock, and took out a small pill bottle before locking things up tight again. "I can't actually prescribe you anything, but I can give you this." she said, turning back and handing him a small trial bottle of antibiotics. "Take one every 4 hours. It'll only last you a couple of days, and then you'll have to go to a proper clinic and get a full size prescription if you want it. This won't fully heal anything, it'll just fight off any infection that may be forming, and prevent further infections while your fresh track marks scab over. If there's something more serious going on, then you need to get it looked at by someone who can help you. This is the best I'm allowed to do. So, take these, avoid that arm, and if you notice an improvement then you should be alright. If it doesn't get any better, take it seriously, and get some help, okay?"

"Okay." Reid replied.

Cilia gave him a weak smile, "We worry about you, you know."

"Thank you, I guess." Reid frowned as he replied.

They walked back to the main area, and Reid gave a small wave to the other nurses. As he put on his jacket and collected his things, Cilia gave his arm a pat, "Happy thanksgiving."

"We'll see." Reid replied in the same manner he had earlier that morning, before he turned and left.

-0-0-0-

Gideon sighed as he opened up the door. The apartment was exactly the same as he'd left it last week. Spencer hadn't returned. He wandered around the space, looking for the slightest inconsistency from his last visit, but there was none. Three weeks and not a sign of Reid. He'd wanted to be left alone, so Gideon respected that, but he was hoping Reid would have contacted him by now.

It was Thanksgiving, a holiday, so maybe Reid would come home. If only for the day. Gideon resolved to spend the whole day here, waiting for some sign. He'd order in something to eat if it came to that, but he wasn't leaving here. Not for anything.

-0-0-0-

On his way back to his new living quarters he walked past his old apartment building. Well, technically it was still his, but it didn't feel like home anymore. He glanced up and picked out his window amongst the mass of windows. A light was on and he could see a shadowed form walking around inside. He knew that shape like he knew his name. Gideon. What he didn't know was why. Not that it mattered.

Part of him was debating going inside to see what he was doing. Another part told him it was a bad idea, and that he had to get 'home'. It felt like he stood there for hours staring up at that lone shape. Maybe it really had been hours, he wasn't sure. Finally he forced himself to turn away from the building and continue on his way. Gideon knew where he was if he wanted to talk. Clearly he didn't want to.

Reid shuffled against the wind and made it back to the basement room. The first thing he noticed was a note sitting on the back of the couch. He picked it up and scanned it:

_Reid, where are you? You didn't tell me you were going anywhere. I wanted to be here for you to take another dose if you need it, but now I have to leave. So, just… be careful okay? I don't think I'll be back for the rest of the day. I have 3 more drops to do, and then the boss is buying all of his employee's dinner. I couldn't decline. I'll see you in the morning. – T._

Reid checked his watch, it was around noon. He frowned deeply, suddenly angry. Why did Tamesis have to leave? He could have declined! He knew Reid didn't have anyone to spend the holiday with, so why would he leave him all alone?

Reid managed to growl lowly to himself and sat down on the bed. He stared at the note for a while and then crumpled it up and threw it on the floor. As soon as his hands were free he took off his jacket and reached for a phial and fresh syringe. It was strange switching to his other arm, after so many months of doing it wrong handed, it felt odd to do it properly. He used his belt to tie off his arm, and bring the veins closer to the surface, before injecting the drugs deep into himself.

It was a wonderful sense of euphoria, but he could tell it wasn't as strong as it used to be. Next time he'd add 1cc. He didn't want to try it without Tamesis here. He paused; thinking about Tamesis made him angry again and took away the rush. He just didn't understand how he could be abandoned like this! Rather than feeling weightless and free, his limbs now felt heavy. This was a dull, boring, feeling, and as far as he was concerned it was all Tamesis' fault.

He waited for the high, or lack thereof, to pass before he put his belt back on and lay down. It was going to be a boring day without any company. He managed to fall asleep for a few hours, but the need to use a washroom woke him. He sighed, not wanting to leave again today, but it appeared he had no choice. He'd gotten good at postponing his need to use restrooms, but today it seemed he'd have no choice but to obey.

Reid donned his jacket again and glanced at the phials. He paused just briefly before picking up the one he'd just used and tucking it in his pocket along with a new syringe and the money he still had remaining that Tamesis had brought him. He left the basement apartment and shuffled down the street to the diner on the corner. He made a beeline for the washrooms, and once finished took a seat in a booth near the door.

The waitress came over with a smile, "What can I get you?"

"Just a bowl of soup please." Reid replied. He sounded tired, but he wanted to at least try to be civil. He was left alone with his thoughts, and once his soup arrived he ate in silence. He was given his bill, and he left enough money on the table before he left. He didn't want to go back just yet. Though it was cold out, it was a refreshing feeling. The wind nipped at his skin, almost burning it was so cold. It made him feel alive. The soup had warmed him inside, but that would wear off eventually.

Reid sighed, his negative thoughts invading once again. Tamesis didn't really care about him. He was just being used to satisfy T's lust. What was the point of staying where he wasn't really wanted? He should just find somewhere new, sever all ties again, and move on. But to where? Maybe he could find a cheap hotel for tonight and then collect his things tomorrow. That would at least give him a day to think about where to go next.

He counted out his money and then hailed a cab to take him wherever was cheap and would accept cash. The location they pulled up to wasn't nearly as rundown as he would have guessed. Each room opened to the outside, but they looked relatively spacious and well kept. He paid the driver, leaving a minimal tip to conserve cash, and went into the office.

The man behind the desk was busy with a young smiling couple when Reid entered. The man handed then a key, "When it's time for you to check out, please return the key here, and I'll do up your bill." They smiled, said thanks, and left.

Reid took a deep breath and stepped forwards. The man looked him over once as he approached. "Whatd'ya need?"

"Erm, just a room please." Reid replied.

"For how long?"

"Um, just one night for now."

The man took a key off the hook behind him, and held it out, "That'll be 72 dollars, upfront."

"What?" Reid asked. "They never had to pay upfront." he pointed in the direction of the couple that had just left.

The man nodded, "Yeah, but they didn't look like you. They can be trusted, you can't. Do you have the money or don't you?"

"That's not fair!" Reid blurted out in anger.

"Life's not fair, kid. I would have thought you'd figured that out by now." He dangled the key in front of Reid.

Grumbling, Reid counted out the money and slapped it on the counter before snatching the key and turning on his heel to find his room. The man called after him, "There's a maid who does checks twice a day, once in the morning, and once at night." Reid ignored him.

Making it to his room he noticed with a curious look, that it was room number 13. With a sigh he unlocked it and stepped inside. It was a quaint room, but it was warm. He'd forgotten what it was like to sleep in a warm room, and the bed looked awfully inviting. He flicked on the lights with a smile; electricity, and running water too! This was luxurious compared to his last digs. He sat down on the end of the bed and grabbed the TV remote. He always had books to read when he was at home, he had no need for a TV, but being without any power for so long, he needed to watch something! He didn't care what, just so long as he got the experience.

The news. The news was a good way to catch up on everything he'd been missing in life. He settled down on top of the covers for what would hopefully be a pleasant night.


	39. Courtesy Call

**A/N: Another Heroin Diaries inspired chapter.  
Song has been added to my MySpace profile if you want to have a listen.  
Enjoy!**

* * *

_Courtesy Call_

Well you found me, but I don't know  
Why you wanna save me...  
Well, God is great and God is good  
But God didn't help me when he could  
And life dances so lonely by.

This is just a courtesy call  
This is just a matter of policy  
This is just an act of kindness  
To let you know that your time is up, up.  
This is just a courtesy call  
This is just a matter of policy  
This is just an act of kindness  
To let you know that your time is up, up.

* * *

Chapter 39: Courtesy Call

The maid checked in about ten minutes before 10pm that night. Reid had had a long, soothing, hot shower; melting away all the stress from the past few weeks. It felt good to be clean again. When he opened the door he was just wearing the white bathrobe provided, but he felt warmer than he had in what seemed like months. He smiled at her, but there wasn't much work for her to do. He hadn't had a chance to sully the room yet, not that he was planning on it.

He chatted briefly with the young woman who did the cleaning. And as she was leaving he asked, "What time is check out tomorrow?"

She turned her head and smiled at him, "10am, sir. I start my rounds at 9am, so I'll be here just before ten. Much like tonight."

"Thank you." Reid said, returning the smile. He pulled the chain across the door when she left, and made sure it was locked up tight before he crawled onto the bed. His jacket with his phial and syringe were sitting at the foot of the bed along with his other clothing. He'd only brought one syringe with him, so he opted to wait until morning. He could last that long; he hoped.

Sleep came relatively quickly and surprisingly lasted most of the night. Reid awoke around 6am the next morning, but put off getting up until eight. When he finally did it was only because his body was in agony. He still didn't want to use quite yet, so he distracted himself by getting dressed and finger combing his hair. Since it hurt to move it actually took longer than he'd anticipated, but not long enough.

Once again he flicked on the TV to watch the morning news, but there didn't appear to be anything of interest. Traffic jams, and the weather reports for a solid half hour. He sighed, and his mind began to wander. It led him back to his previous thoughts of Gideon and Tamesis. He'd been abandoned by both of them, even when Gideon promised he'd never leave! There was sudden moisture in his eyes, and he brushed it away angrily, refusing to believe it was because of his feelings of desertion and chalking it up as due to pain from withdrawals that were about to set in.

He scrambled for his jacket, unable to put it off any longer. He glanced at the clock on the bedside table and noted it was about ten minutes after nine. He had just enough time to do this and then check out, and collect his stuff from Tamesis' hideaway. If he can back here after that, only time would tell. He didn't have a plan that stretched that far ahead.

As he dug through the pockets a piece of paper fluttered out. He looked at it for a moment, wondering how long that had been in there. It was Tamesis' phone number, and the sight of it made him growl. He left it where it had fallen on the bed, and then pulled out the phial and syringe. He unwrapped the syringe and poked the tip into the phial's top to draw out the remaining liquid. He drew it up to the 4cc mark and then paused. There wasn't enough left for a full dose next time, so he may as well use it all now.

He sat crossed-legged on the bed and drew out the remaining amount, topping the syringe out at just over 6cc's. He frowned at it, and then decided he'd be fine. He'd taken more than that before, recalling when Alexander Connors had held him down to inject him. Or at least, he assumed it had been more than that. He wasn't sure. But that hadn't killed him, so this shouldn't either. He tossed the phial away from himself, and it landed near the piece of paper with Tamesis' number on it.

He propped himself up by the headboard, holding the syringe between his teeth as he took off his belt and tied it around his arm. He took the syringe out from between his teeth and replaced it with the end of the belt so he could hold it tight. As the veins became easier to see he inserted the needle into his arm and depressed the plunger, before letting go of the belt. The rush was immediate, and frightening. He opened his mouth in a moan and tilted his head back. Second to the rush he got, was an overwhelming sense to be ill. He was sure, even through the withdrawals, he'd never felt quite this ill.

His head was spinning and time seemed to slow to a crawl while his other senses heightened. He could hear a dog barking somewhere outside, the incessant drone from the TV, and he was sure there was a fly buzzing around somewhere near his head. He groaned, something wasn't right. This felt wrong. What did he just do?

He twitched his fingers and reached out to the side table for the phone, needles still stuck in his arm. He needed to call someone; somehow. It was out of reach so he leaned towards it precariously. His fingers brushed against the receiver, fumbling with it, trying to get it into his hand, but his fingers weren't working well. The strain of stretching like this was hurting his eyes, causing a darkness to swim around the edges. Or at least he assumed that was why he was loosing his vision. He felt himself sliding sideways and he couldn't stop it.

The sudden motion of him falling to the side caused his hand to knock the phone off the counter. It clattered loudly to the floor, the receiver knocked far away from the cradle. He groaned in defeat and pushed himself so he was lying on his back, his head hanging off the side of the bed. The fall had also caused the syringe to smack against the bed at an odd angle; the needle breaking off in his arm, though he didn't seem to notice. His vision was swimming back now that he wasn't straining so hard. The ceiling tiles were looming above him, and he smiled strangely at them.

Now he was at a loss for how to get help. Maybe he didn't need any. Maybe he'd be fine. No, no, fine was certainly not a possible ending to this scenario. However, maybe this was for the best, if he died. It would certainly save him a lot of future angst, and would probably ease the lives of many others. Yes, he should just accept this as his fate, and not fight it when it comes. Quite suddenly he felt at peace with this decision, calm, as if he was controlling what would happen to him now. Somewhere on the floor he could hear the phone start to beep, signalling it was off the hook.

As he relaxed into his fate there was a sharp knocking on the door. "Housekeeping?" called the young female voice. He groaned and tried to push himself towards it, only succeeding in slipping off the bed a little further, causing the blood to rush to his head. She knocked again, "Hello? Housekeeping." When she still received no answer she tried the door but it remained firmly locked. For a third time she knocked, "Hello?"

Reid groaned, wondering what was going to happen now. She was going to find him here, like this. Would she save him? Would she want to? Would there be a point? Maybe he'd be dead before she managed to get in the room. He wondered if there was a heaven or a hell, and if there was, which one he'd go to. Probably neither. He didn't believe in God like that, so he would probably just cease to exist. There was no reason for him to believe in God. God was supposed to be great, and good, but what had he ever done for Reid? In his entire life he hadn't been looked out for by any higher power. Just look at where he was now! That had to be proof enough that no all-powerful, great and merciful, God existed.

As he lay there he could feel the vomit rising from his stomach to his throat. It was slow like everything else around him, crawling up higher and higher until it cut off his airway. He coughed violently, turning his head to the side, bile pouring forth from his mouth. Choking on it was inevitable and he was quite suddenly aware that he couldn't breathe until he cleared his airway, which required more coughing, and spewing. He was sure some had managed to come out his nose. The rest was on his face and the floor. He gasped for air and then relaxed again. Crisis averted, now on to the next.

He was quite certain now, that his time was up. This was the end of his days, and he was going to go out in less than ideal circumstances. He'd always assumed he'd die in the line of duty, as opposed to some weird string of events related to a case. Drug overdose had never really been in his plans, but now it seemed as good a way as any. The blood was still steadily rushing to his head, but the rest of him was without sensation. His arms were numb, and if he could speak, and were he asked, he was sure he wouldn't be able to answer definitively that they were still attached at all.

Still the phone beeped constantly somewhere just below his head. Had the maid moved on? Did someone in the office notice that the phone line was in use? He managed to glance at the clock; it was 9:58. He couldn't quite believe how slow everything seemed to be going, and yet how fast it had actually gone by. What would happen if he didn't check out in time? Part of him almost laughed at that thought, noting that he would probably 'check out' exactly on time, just not at the front office.

If someone came in here after that what would they find? The loud continual beeping of the phone, like a bell in his head, and butterflies. He wasn't sure why there would be butterflies, but they seemed fitting. A small smile slipped onto his face as he closed his eyes. At least he would be smiling when he died.

The knocking started up again, "Sir, I know you're in there; are you okay?"

Ooh, so she knew he was here. Maybe there was hope after all.

-0-0-0-

The manager of the motel room checked his watch and sighed; he was late. He looked at the phone lines, noting that extension 13 was in use. With another sigh he got up and left the office, approaching room 13 with a third sigh. He knew that boy was going to be trouble the moment he set eyes on him. Why he even gave him a room was beyond him. He stopped short as he saw the maid outside the room, knocking on the door and calling out. "Excuse me, ma'am, what's the problem here?"

She turned to him, a concerned expression on her face. "No one's answering."

He turned to the door, "Hello?" He banged his fist on the door, "Hello? I'm coming into the room now." He took out his master key which jingled as he unlocked the two main locks. He turned the handle but the door only opened a fraction before the chain stopped it. He looked at the maid and she nodded, stepping away from the door. With a deep breath he started to slam his shoulder against the door, glad for once that he only had the very cheapest of doors and locks on the suites. It only took a few hits before the door swung open, and slammed into the wall.

He took in the sight before him as the maid stepped up behind him. "Oh! Ooh!" she shrieked, but held in a scream.

The man had to pause to remember how to breathe before he spoke as well, "Oh, Jesus Christ!" It took him another second of staring at the man, half-on and half-off the bed, vomit beneath him, belt around his arm, a syringe on the floor, eyes half open, only the whites showing, before he jumped into action. He leaped forward; taking Reid by his shoulders and hoisting him back up on the bed.

"Is… is he?" the maid stepped hesitantly into the room, staying near the foot of the bed.

He held a hand in front of Reid's nose and mouth, "He's still breathing, but it's shallow."

"What do we do?" she asked. At the same time, Reid's eyes fluttered a little and he opened them blankly. Their eyes met and she shrieked again, "Oh my god… he looks…. He looks like he should be dead."

The man turn to her, "Don't just stand there! Give me a hand or something! And he's not dead, which means he can probably hear you!"

She remained frozen until something on the bed caught her eye. She stepped tentatively forward and picked up the discarded phial and piece of paper. She looked at the phial's label first, and then up at Reid. "Is… Is your name Spencer?" Reid nodded weakly, a deep hurt and sorrow in his eyes that nearly brought her to tears. "We… We're going to help you. Just hold on."

Reid nodded again, "P… please." His voice was dry and rough.

She looked at the number on the paper and then made her way over to the phone, resetting it. The man looked at her, "Call 911!"

Reid started shaking his head, "N-no. Don't."

The man turned back to him, "Do you want to die?!" The fear in Reid's eyes registered strongly at the words, but he shook his head again.

The maid looked down at the number in her hand and then started dialling it instead.

-0-0-0-

Tamesis had a drop to do first thing in the morning, and when it was finished he rushed to the basement apartment that Reid was staying in. He shouldered open the door, "Hey, Reid! Sorry about last night, I--" he stopped short. "Reid?" He couldn't see Reid anywhere. He frantically searched the small room, and even the adjoining bathroom that was useless. He spotted the crumpled note on the floor and picked it up before sitting on the bed. He looked down at it with a frown. "Where are you, Reid."

His phone started buzzing in his pocket, and he sighed. He didn't want to do another drop right now. He debated ignoring it, but realised that would only cause more trouble. He took it out and looked at the display; it wasn't a number he recognised. Reid was the only other person who had this number, it had to be him! He answered quickly, "Reid!? Where are you?"

"Erm…" The female voice was hesitant. "Do you know a… erm… Spencer Reid?"

"Yes!" Tamesis replied with urgency. "Where is he?"

"He's… Oh my god." she said, and Tamesis could hear coughing in the background.

"Where are you!?" Tamesis barked.

"I… um… The Southside Motel."

"I'll be right there. Do NOT call anyone else." he ordered before hanging up and dashing out to catch a cab.

-0-0-0-

Reid was once again coughing, trying not to choke on more vomit that was working it's way up his oesophagus. His brain was clouded, his vision not quite right, but something in inside him knew that soon it would all be okay. Either he would make it through this alive, or he would die. Either way, it wouldn't last much longer.

The man in front of him placed his hand before his face again, and then mumbled something about his breathing becoming a little steadier. He could feel hand on his neck now, checking for a pulse, and he just closed his eyes and let it happen. He knew his heart was beating fast and erratically, but he'd just had a coughing fit and couldn't breathe for a moment.

His head was pounding, but it seemed to be fading. Even the oversensitive hearing had diminished back to normal. He still wasn't sure if this meant life, or death. He just knew, deep in his soul, that it was going to be okay. Whatever 'okay' was. His arms were beginning to tingle as feeling came back into them. They felt heavy, but he felt like he was floating despite it.

Oddly enough he was starting to feel normal, relaxed. He sank down into the pillow beneath his head, and the whole atmosphere of the room seemed to lighten. After many slow minutes he opened his eyes again, he felt rested, like he'd fallen asleep for a bit, and maybe he had. Two concerned faces looking down on him. He frowned at them, "What… What happened?"

They both sort of shrugged, but the man said, "My best guess? You took too much."

Reid frowned and looked down at his arm, the puncture mark was still bleeding, and he could see the needle under his skin, but no syringe attached to it. His eyes went wide, "Oh… Oh shit." He started to get up, and immediately had strong hands pushing him down.

"Whoa, don't move."

"I need… I need to go. I need to fix this."

"Someone's coming for you." the female said.

"Who?" Reid asked. Wondering for a moment if it would be Gideon.

"I… I don't know. His number was in your pocket."

Reid fell back against the pillows again, this time in defeat, "Tamesis. Oh no. He's gonna kill me."

"No I won't." Tamesis' voice sounded from the doorway, and all eyes turned towards him. The man holding Reid down stepped back and let Tamesis in.

"T… I… I'm sorry."

"Don't talk, Reid. It's okay. Can you move?" Tamesis sat down next to him, brushing sticky sweaty hair from his face.

Reid nodded, "Yeah, but I think I hurt my arm."

Tamesis looked down at it and swallowed hard. "Shit…" He looked at the two others, "Get me a wet facecloth and a pair of tweezers, or needle-nose pliers…. Something!" He bent down to examine the mark, and could see a glint of silver sticking out. "You are damn lucky, Reid. If it had been a small piece, and not the whole fucking needle, you'd be dead by now."

"T…" Reid reached out his other arm and touched Tamesis' shoulder. He sighed, "I'm sorry."

Tamesis sighed back, "I know, Reid. I know." The facecloth arrived first, and Tamesis used it to wipe off the drying vomit on Reid's face and hair. The pliers came next, and Tamesis carefully pinched the end of the needle. "I'm going to pull it out now, if it hurts, tell me."

"I'm not sure I'll be able to feel it. My arms are still half numb."

Tamesis frowned and started to slowly pull the needle out. It came out smoothly, and Reid didn't flinch, so he took that to mean he hadn't nicked anything on the way out. He put it aside and sighed. "Do you want to go home now?"

Reid nodded, and Tamesis slipped an arm around him to help him stand. Reid leaned heavily against him, too weak to hold much of his own weight. Tamesis licked his lips and looked at the two other occupants, "Thank you. And sorry about the mess." Neither of them said anything as Tamesis led Reid from the room to the cab he'd told to wait.

* * *

_I, I can't feel anything  
My arms are numb and I'm hoping  
You noticed the line I left off  
All that you'll find inside  
Are bells and butterflies  
But I'll be smiling when I die_

_This is just a courtesy call  
(Why'd you want to save me?)  
This is just a matter of policy  
(Why'd you want to save me now?)  
This is just an act of kindness  
(What'd you want to do it for?)  
To let you know that your time is up  
This is just a courtesy call  
(Why would you wanna save my life?)  
This is just a matter of policy  
(I know you did or you could)  
This is just an act of kindness  
(It's been comin' for a long time, long time...)  
To let you know that your time is up_

-By Sixx:A.M.  
Heroin Diaries Soundtrack  
(Track #11)


	40. Someplace New

**A/N: Well lately I had a lot of help coming up with more on Tamesis' background.  
I've realised a lot of things about him that were there subconsciously, but I'd never noticed before.  
So as a result he's really developed and solidified in my head.  
Here's just a taste.**

* * *

Chapter 40: Someplace New

Reid wasn't paying much attention as Tamesis rattled off and address to the cabbie, and the vehicle started moving. He found he was resting his head on Tamesis' shoulder; not because he wanted any physical comfort, but simply because he was too weak to hold his own head up. Eventually things started to come clear as he looked out the window. "Where are we going?"

Tamesis pursed his lips, thinking of what to answer. "I just have to make a stop first, and then we'll get you someplace safe."

"Oh." was all Reid managed to reply.

When they reached their destination, Tamesis opened the door and slid out. Reid was about to follow but Tamesis shook his head, "Wait here. I won't be long." He turned to the cabbie, "Watch him, please." he whispered.

He shut the door and Reid was left alone again. Well, not totally alone, but not with anyone he would prefer.

Tamesis entered the building with a pass code, and made his way down the twisting halls that he knew well. The first stop he made was to a higher floor, to the room marked 'six' ever since his 'promotion'. There was really nothing valuable in his room, save for a laptop, so he grabbed that along with a few things that he could think of and stuffed them into a small bag. Next he made his way to a reception area near the back. All of the Boss' buildings were laid out relatively similarly. As he entered the room, he dropped his bag and sighed, "I need to speak with the Boss, _now_." He stressed the final word.

"Do you have an appointment, Six?"

Tamesis shook his head, "No, but it's important. He'll see me."

With reluctant agreement the phone call was made, and eventually Tamesis was buzzed through the next set of doors. He approached his boss with confidence, and when he was close enough he was spoken to. "What can I do for you?"

"I need some favours." he replied.

"And why would I grant them for you? What do I get out of them?" His low voice wasn't threatening, but it created a chill in the air just the same.

"Because in the end, you'll benefit."

"I'm listening."

"I need a place to stay. A proper place, big enough for two, heating, beds, et cetera. I can't keep Reid in that basement any longer. It's too cold; he'll die from hypothermia if he doesn't OD first. Secondly, I need time off so that I can stay with him, and stop him from almost killing himself. I can't be doing drops for you and watching him at the same time." Tamesis paused to breathe, but didn't get a chance to continue.

"Your task is simple, Six. Keep him alive, do your job and you get to stay here."

"I can't do both! If you want to keep him as a client, you need to let me stay with him 24/7. That's the only option!"

"You are in no position to be making demands, Six. You know it'll only take one word from me and you'll be dead, or worse." He paused to let Tamesis ponder what would be worse than death, before he revealed it. "You don't want to be back out on the streets again, do you? You do remember, don't you? Back when you were just a boy, selling yourself on the street corners so you could afford your next meal. And people paid top dollar for a young'un like yourself. How old were you again?" He knew the answer but he asked anyway. Tamesis looked down and didn't reply. "You will answer me when I ask you a question!"

"F-fifteen." Tamesis stammered.

"Very good. And then a couple years later I stumbled across you. I picked you up, and dusted you off. I trained you, and have given you everything you've ever wanted. Money, food, shelter. I can take it all away just as easily. Remember you owe me everything, and I owe you nothing."

"You have given me everything. Thank you. Now what I want is to be with Reid, to better do the task you assigned to me. I need your help with this."

"I'm not inclined to granting you favours like this. Things are to be done on my terms, or no terms."

Tamesis raised his head, defiant. "Well your terms aren't working! If you want him alive, you need to listen to me!" he snapped.

He rose in one fluid motion, which seemed far more graceful than a man of his build should be able to accomplish, and struck Tamesis with the back of his hand. His rings left gashes in Tamesis' right cheek. "Do not talk back to me, Six."

"I'm s-s-sorry, sir." Tamesis replied looking at the floor again, arms by his side, and his hands in fists. He didn't dare nurse his cheek in front of this man. Though Tamesis was taller by at least a head, he seemed so very small and insignificant standing in before his boss. He seemed to cower in Alexander's shadow.

"That's better. Now where was I? Right, I remember: things are to be done my way. Things have always been done my way. I chose you because you were perfect for my vision. I could shape you into the man I wanted you to be. Despite being on the streets you had morals of sorts. You'd never done any drugs, so I never had to break your habit before you could work for me. Unfortunately, you've always had one vice I could never break. Pretty men, and even women too, but mostly men right? How do I know this hasn't become more than just an assignment for you?"

"If… If it had, I would have found some other way. I wouldn't have asked you for help. Trust me, this is all business."

Alexander Connors seemed to ponder this for a while. "Very well," he finally replied, "I'll set you up a suite at one of my favourite hotels in town, the Grand Hyatt. Everything is on me. Just don't let me loose him."

"Yes, sir." Tamesis replied, bowing just slightly before turning on his heel. He'd only taken two steps before he was spoken to again.

"Oh, and Six, how's his supply doing?"

"He'd still got two phials I think."

"You let me know when he gets low."

"I will, though I don't think he has money for more."

"Hmm, that might put a damper in things." He chuckled. "Let me know anyway."

Tamesis nodded once, and then left the room. He picked up his bag on the way out, and then headed out of the building to the cab. Everything was as it should be when he got back. For once Reid hadn't managed to get himself into any trouble. He told the cab driver the name of the hotel and they were on their way.

Reid was confused, "Where are we going?"

"Someplace new. I've sorted out a place for us to stay… together." he added.

Reid still looked confused. He mouthed the word 'what' but no sound actually came out.

"I'm not going to leave you again. Not for as long as I can help it."

"So where are we going?"

"I pulled some strings with the boss man, and he's booking us a room at the Grand Hyatt for hopefully as long as we need."

"Hopefully? What does that mean?"

"He can change his mind on a whim. Whenever it suits him, or just if he's bored and wants to stir the pot. I'm just hoping he'll understand that this will work best for all parties involved."

"I'm really not sure I understand." Reid said with a frown.

"You're not meant to." Tamesis mumbled lowly, Reid almost missed it. "Sleep. You look exhausted."

Reid just frowned deeper, and really looked at Tamesis. "What happened to your face?" he asked, referring to the large, red, mark and scratches from Connors rings on his right cheek. He reached his fingers up towards it hesitantly.

Tamesis closed his eyes and turned his head away, taking Reid's hand before he could touch him. He moved Reid's hand back down, "It's nothing. Don't worry about it."

"Did he hurt you?"

"I told you it was nothing. Really. I've had worse." He added the last bit softly.

Reid sighed, not liking that revelation. "Why are you doing this?"

"What? Being nice, taking care of you? Because I want to. Because you've become important to me."

Reid was shaking his head, "No, not that. Why do you work for him? I don't mean I'm not grateful I met you. I am. But why are you with him?"

"I don't have a choice." Tamesis mumbled. "He gives me food, shelter, clothing. I owe him."

"You don't have to. You can get a job and break away from him."

"No. I can't."

"Why not?"

"I told you, I owe him."

"For what!?" Reid asked, annoyed. "You don't owe him anything!"

"No, you don't understand! I owe him _everything_." Tamesis stressed. "He pulled me out of a tight spot, he helped me, and in return he _owns_ me, remember? You said it yourself. I belong to him. Until I pay off my debt, I owe him."

"That's slavery!"

"It's employment. Goods traded for services rendered." Tamesis explained.

"How do you know when you're debt has been paid?"

"He'll tell me."

"And you trust him?"

"I have no choice."

Reid sighed, "And how long have you been doing this for? Around 4 years, right?" He seemed to recall having this conversation before, but it was all a little fuzzy.

"Yes, that's right."

"Don't you think you've paid your debt by now?"

Tamesis almost laughed, but it was a bitter scornful sound. "Not hardly."

"Besides pick you up off the street, what did he do for you?"

Tamesis fell silent, gazing out the window, and didn't reply for a long while. When he did, it wasn't what Reid wanted to hear, "I don't want to talk about it."

"But—" Reid was cut off.

"We're here." Tamesis said, gesturing to the building outside the window. "Let's go."

Reid sighed and tried not to stumble out of the cab. Tamesis took his arm, paid the cabbie, giving him an extra tip for all the waiting, and led Reid through the doors. Reid wasn't given a chance to stare in awe at the luscious surroundings. Tamesis walked up to the check-in counter and smiled politely. "Alexander Connors should have just called and reserved a suite. Is it ready?"

Their sense of dress was far too casual for this atmosphere, but the receptionist didn't seem to mind once Connors name was mentioned. She immediately handed over a pass key and smiled more than generously. "I'll have someone take you up to your room. Do you have luggage we can attend to?"

"No ma'am, just this bag, and I can carry it. I'll be collecting some more later though."

"Alright then, please follow this young man up to your room." She gestured to a hotel employee who seemed to have appeared out of thin air right beside them.

Tamesis gave him a small polite nod, and pulled Reid close. He didn't know why he was craving the closeness, well okay he probably could, but he was trying not to think about it. It was too soon after Reid's near death experience to put him through that. Tamesis tried to reign in his inner desires. He couldn't afford to loose himself right now.

He knew the kind of trouble and pain his 'disease' could bring. Though this was an entirely different situation than the first, he wasn't going to make the same mistake twice. He refused to lose Reid, someone he cared about, because of what he was. What he did. Was compelled to do. It had already destroyed too many lives; he didn't want it to ruin another.

They stepped out onto the 7th floor and were led to room 707. They stepped inside and Reid was greeted with a lavish suite. Not the top suite by any means, but the living room was large, the bathroom was large, and there were two separate bedrooms.

Reid wandered through the suite inspecting everything. Tamesis watched him closely, noting happily that Reid was pretty steady on his feet now. Quietly Tamesis claimed one of the bedrooms by putting his bag in it. Reid would take the other.

Neither one of them said much of anything until Reid started getting tired a couple hours later.

"You should sleep." Tamesis said with a sigh.

Reid nodded, "Yeah." He stood up and made his way to the room.

Tamesis threw him a small smile, "While you rest I'm going to go pick up all your things and then I'll come straight back, okay."

"Okay." Reid's voice was quiet. He sighed and then entered the bedroom and closed the door behind him.

Tamesis hesitated for many minutes before he forced himself to leave. He made the trip quick and was back within the hour. He checked in on Reid who was sleeping soundly still, and left his belongings just inside the door. With a relaxed sigh he entered his bedroom and set up his personal laptop. Being free from Alexander's confines also meant freedom for other things too.

He had rules to follow when within Connors' 'household' but now that he was able to spend his nights away, that allowed him to indulge in his other side without consequence. He thought of Reid; okay, maybe there was one consequence. His fingers hovered above the keys, wanting so deeply to indulge in old habits that had been denied to him ever since he left home. It was something he'd always unconsciously craved, and sometimes consciously too.

He groaned and it turned into a whimper before it was through. With a quick flick of his wrist he slammed the lid down on the laptop and stood up. He paced for a bit and then left the room, resigning himself to an afternoon of television instead.

* * *

**A/N: If you all want to learn more about T, then I can squeeze in a chapter about him.  
His background, what brought him to where he is now...  
I'd love to write it, but only if you all want to read it.  
So let me know in your reviews!!  
Cheers!  
**


	41. Tamesis

**A/N: Once again tons of thanks goes to a friend for this chapter.  
She practically wrote half of it! LOL  
It's because of her that I fleshed out T's background so much, and since everyone who reviewed asked for it, I do hope you enjoy it!  
Also, there's a link to pictures of T in my profile so please check it out!  
There's also a video, but I've set it to private, so if you would like to view it please PM me with your youtube account name (or just add me as a friend and let me know) and I'll add you to the list of allowed viewers.  
Cheers!**

* * *

Chapter 41: Tamesis

Tamesis kept the volume on the TV low. Not wanting it to wake Reid. He must have fallen asleep because when he opened his eyes again, it was only because of a sound off to one side. He raised his head to see Reid standing just a few feet away by the door to his room. "What are you doing?" Tamesis asked groggily.

"Checking to see if you were here."

"How long have you been up?" he asked, sitting up.

"Hours, I think. My ears were ringing, so I couldn't hear that the TV was on until it stopped."

"Are you okay? I mean, how are you feeling?"

"I think I'm okay. I'm just exhausted."

Tamesis shifted over and patted the couch, "Can I get you anything? Are you hungry?"

Hesitantly, Reid sat down on the couch, "No, not really." There was a pause where he bit his lip before asking, "Why are you being so nice to me, T? It's not that I don't appreciate it, I just don't understand it."

Tamesis smiled, "How could anyone not be nice to you, Reid? It's impossible."

"But, I don't think I deserve it." he said quietly.

Shaking his head, Tamesis sighed, "You deserve it! You deserve so much more than just simple kindness."

Reid sighed, "I'd probably be dead by now if it wasn't for you. I should probably thank you for that. And I really, really, don't know what I'm doing anymore. That scares me. I think… I think I'm taking advantage of you, though. Your hospitality."

"Oh, Reid." Tamesis sighed in return, "You don't have to thank me for anything! I'm only doing what any person would do. Besides that, I want to take care of you, to help you. You're not taking advantage of me at all."

Reid shook his head, "No, trust me; you aren't doing what any person would do. I know what people are capable of — dark ugly things. It's just that, sometimes I just get so tired… of everything."

"Hey, it's okay. Don't worry about it. We all have problems, a darkness, inside us… vices. I don't think we can control how we feel, or how we deal with it."

A small smile tugged at the corner of Reid's mouth, "Listen to you… I'm supposed to be the genius. How did you get to know so much?"

Tamesis frowned and looked to the ground, mumbling slightly, "Life experiences."

"Oh… those." Reid pulled his lower lip between his teeth.

T's eyes found the wall, and he turned his head towards it, away from Reid. "No matter. There's nothing saying you can't _try_ to change. But I think you can only replace things. One vice for another. One cure for another… But you can try, if you want to."

Reid nodded, "Sometimes I think I want to… and then…"

"I know, I know." With a sigh Tamesis stood.

"You aren't going to leave me are you?" Reid said panicked. "I… I can't be alone right now."

Tamesis snapped his head back towards Reid, shocked. "No! No, Reid, no. I'm not going to leave you. Not if I can help it."

Reid sighed, "It's just that… everyone says that… and then…"

Tamesis smiled lightly, "I don't mean to get all sappy on you, because that's not who I am, but I'm always going to be with you, Reid. No matter where I am. You just have to look deeper. I won't leave you.

Reid returned the smile, "That sounds… really nice." With a sigh he licked his lips.

Tamesis closed his eyes quickly, fighting a smirk. "Don't look at me like that, Reid."

"Like what?" He furrowed his brow in thought, unaware he'd been giving a look. It took him a moment to clue in, "Oh!" His cheeks immediately turned scarlet, giving his skin some colour.

Tamesis laughed quietly, opening his eyes again. "You know my vice, Spencer. Please… Don't tease me with your tongue unless you mean it!"

Reid's eyes widened, "I, erm… I mean… I don't… It's involuntary!" He turned his head away, blushing more. "I don't _mean_ to tease you."

Tamesis laughed again, "I know… But it's fun to make you blush."

Reid pursed his lips together, "You're horrible." He let out a snort of a laugh, "Forget I ever said anything nice about you!"

Tamesis cocked his head to one side and smirked, "Oh come on now, I'm not _that_ bad!"

Reid shook his head, "Well, the jury is still out on that one."

"Well then, let me know when they're done deliberating, and if I need to get my powers of persuasion ready."

A light laughter bubbled up inside Reid. "Arg, I hate it when you make me laugh!"

"Oh please! Laughter is never a bad thing." Tamesis paused in thought. "Well okay… maybe on occasion."

Reid shook his head again, "I don't know how you always make me feel better."

"It's a gift." Tamesis replied, with a wink and a smile.

Reid smiled back, and then sighed, "I'm still tired. I can't believe how much that took out of me." It was silent for a moment, before he looked up at Tamesis again. "T? Would you mind… I mean, can we just sit together? For a while? In a non-sexual way? Until I need to sleep again?"

Tamesis blinked, a little stunned, and then sat back down on the couch. "Um, of course we can. If you dare to get that close I mean."

"Well, sometimes you behave." Cautiously he slid a little closer. "I, um… I don't mean to make it, erm, difficult for you. So, you don't have to."

"I'll try to behave… For your sake." T smirked and tilted his head to one side again. "Trust me?" he asked, opening his arms.

Reid licked his lips again, and realise the action a moment too late, when Tamesis closed his eyes again. "Oh… sorry… I didn't mean to." He remained silent until Tamesis opened his eyes again. "T, sometimes I think you're the only person I _can_ trust." He shifted a little closer and put his head on Tamesis' shoulder with a sigh.

Tamesis smiled weakly at the apology, "Its okay." He ignored the rest of the statement, and rested his cheek on the top of Reid's head.

"T?" Reid said softly.

"Hmm?"

"You… You have the stuff, right?"

Tamesis frowned, though Reid couldn't see it. "I have many things… But yes, I have those."

"Okay, good. I think… I think I may need some soon, but I'm too scared to do it myself. After the last time." His sentence got quieter as he reached the end.

"I understand. I'll do it for you when you need it. It's why I'm here. One of the reasons, anyway."

"Thank you." Reid sighed, seemingly calmer now that he knew his drugs were here. "I think I could maybe fall asleep here."

"Well, _I_ would like that."

Reid raised an eyebrow, "Are you sure I don't need a shower first?"

"Nope." Tamesis replied, popping the 'P'. "Nothing about you could put me off. Certainly not sweat." He dropped his voice to a whisper, teasing, "Not even dried vomit."

Reid's shoulders shook with suppressed laughter, "Because that's _so_ attractive. You're crazy."

"Yeah, that's me."

"Well, I actually have a lot of experience dealing with crazy. So I guess it's a good thing." There was a long moment of silence. Many minutes ticked by before Reid spoke again. "T, I really do appreciate everything you've done for me, but… I mean… Look at me!" He was starting to agitate himself. "What could anyone… How could… It's just…" He sat up quickly. "Can't you see what a _mess_ I am?"

Tamesis tried to keep the hurt from showing on his face, "You have problems, but so do I. I would be wrong to judge you. Mess or not, there's absolutely nothing I dislike about you."

"But I told you, T. I don't know what I'm doing, or who I am, anymore. All I know is, as far as I can see, nothing is ever going to be the same again!" His eyes were starting to water and he wiped it away.

Without thinking Tamesis leaned forward and pulled Reid back into an embrace. "Change isn't always a bad thing. Just take your time, and figure it out, and I'll be here for you through it all."

Reid sniffled slightly, "Oh god, I'm sorry, T." He took a few moments to calm down. "Just stay with me, like we said. I won't give you a hard time anymore. Just… hold me right now, because I really need that."

"I'm here." He hugged Reid tightly. "Give me a hard time all you want, it won't change anything." He hesitated for a moment before kissing the top of Reid's head.

Reid sensed the hesitation, "It's okay, T. I didn't mind that. That was… normal. Something a friend would do."

"I'm glad you think so. Now, rest and sleep, before I get any ideas."

"Oh, wouldn't want that."

"No, _you_ wouldn't."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Reid asked with a frown.

"I would."

"Oh… um… sorry." Reid mumbled.

Tamesis chuckled, "How many times do I have to tell you not to be sorry?"

"Obviously more."

"Clearly." He smirked.

"I guess I have a slow learning curve when it comes to that." He shrugged. "Can I tell you something, T?"

"Yes, of course you can. You can tell me anything, Reid."

"The other stuff… not my stuff, but… your stuff. It's confusing for me. This, this I like, but I don't like what else you've done."

Tamesis frowned and closed his eyes, "I'm sorry I've hurt you. That's not something I like doing, hurting people I mean. I'm glad you like this softer side of my darkness though."

"I know you don't mean to hurt… that's not what I meant to say… What I meant was, thanks, I guess. For this."

Tamesis opened his eyes again, glancing sideways at Reid. "Well then, I guess you're welcome. I don't want… to ruin you. To darken your spirit. You have so much light in you, Reid. I don't want to be the one to put out your candle because of what I am. A monster."

"I think things are pretty dark in here already, T. And not because of you." He paused and then frowned. "You really think of yourself that way? A monster?" Reid's eyes widened slightly.

"What else could I be? I've never had anything good come from this darkness in me. But I'm hoping it'll be different this time. I know you don't really feel the same way about me, as I do for you, but I still have this feeling that this friendship will be good to continue. If I tainted your soul though, I don't think I could forgive myself."

Reid mumbled, "I think I was already pretty tainted — when we met."

"I don't think you were, or that you even are, yet. Not this kind of stain anyway."

Reid lifted his head to look straight into Tamesis' eyes. "If I'm capable of redemption, which at this point I'm not yet willing to concede, then so are you."

Tamesis smiled, "You are far more capable of redemption than I ever will be. But if you have hope for me, then maybe I'm not a total lost cause."

A sigh escaped Reid's lips, "That's the first time I've really thought about that word — hope. Maybe there's hope for both of us someday."

"I think so, definitely."

Reid's head bobbed for a second and he shook it lightly, "I think… I think the past few days are really starting to catch up with me."

Tamesis smiled, "I'd be more shocked if they weren't." He took Reid by the shoulders and looked at him, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I think I just need to rest now. With you if that's okay. I don't want to be cruel though, T. Honest."

Tamesis swallowed hard, "I'll be okay. I can manage. I've been fighting this demon inside me for many, many years. I can control it. For a little while." He sighed. "Rest and I'll be right here with you the whole time, I promise." Calmly he pulled Reid back to him.

Reid sighed, "I just feel so lousy, T. But, you can let me rest here… without it being too much?"

"I can." Tamesis replied, silently adding 'try' in his head.

"I just think that, this way, I might be able to get through the night… without needing something."

Tamesis nodded quickly, "Okay. Whatever you say."

Reid closed his eyes and sighed deeply again, resting against T's chest.

Tamesis bit his lip and swallowed hard. He took a few deep breathes and then relaxed. "Sleep. I'll be right here."

"T? One last thing…"

"Okay?"

"I don't care what you think… You _are_ a good person."

-0-0-0-

Days passed and Reid regained his strength in small increments. He was no longer sleeping all the time, which Tamesis took to be an improvement. Tamesis spent every moment in the hotel with Reid, ordering in room service and putting it on the room's tab. He watched Reid like a hawk, and insisted, even once Reid felt comfortable, to still be the one to administer Reid's drugs.

After Reid started taking his antibiotics the infection on his arm started to clear up nicely. Unfortunately this also allowed him to see the extent of the track marks on that arm. Some of them didn't look like they would ever completely heal, serving as a constant reminder. Others, however, he had hope for.

One quiet afternoon Reid broke the silence with a question, "T? Can you tell me about yourself?"

"Erm," T turned his head from the TV to Reid, "like what?"

"I don't know, you know everything about me. I just want to know more about you."

"I don't know everything about you, Reid. Just everything since collage." He smirked.

"That's not the point. You're still a mystery to me, and I want to know."

"Well, ask me things. Some I'll answer, some I won't."

Reid sighed, "Do you have to be difficult?"

Tamesis smirked again, "Yes."

"Fine, what's your favourite color?"

Tamesis was slightly taken aback by the easy question, "Well, um… it changes… But currently I like blue."

"Okay, favourite food?"

He grinned, "Meat. All innuendo intended."

Reid blushed but pushed past it, he was getting used to Tamesis' constant sexual statements. "Can you cook?"

He shrugged, "Not well, but if I have to. I can make a mean Kraft Dinner."

Reid laughed, "Mac 'n cheese? That's it?"

"Well, that's all I remember how to make."

Reid nodded, "The way you are… about… sex. How long have you known about it?"

"The way I am? You mean my addiction to it?" He hissed the word 'addiction'. "I don't think it was something I was consciously aware of until a few years ago. I didn't think it was a problem, you know? I've always been overtly sexual ever since I was a child, probably about 11. I thought," he frowned, "I thought I just didn't want to stop, until I was told I had to, and realised I couldn't."

Reid frowned, "Who told you that you had to? Connors?"

Tamesis nodded, "He suggested it would be a good idea… You know, for business. But I was never able to, and he seemed to accept it eventually."

Reid furrowed his brow, "He doesn't seem the type to just accept things."

"No not usually, but it was either accept it or get rid of me. And by that point I was far too valuable him. Top of my class you know." He smirked to himself.

"Top of your class? What class?"

"Connors trains us all, self-defence, hand-to-hand, and how to use a gun. Just in case anything goes wrong on a job."

"Oh." Reid pondered for a moment before speaking, "There's something more, but I don't want to be cruel."

"Erm, okay."

"I'm dead serious… if… if you really let yourself go… you've hurt people haven't you?"

Tamesis swallowed hard, "It's… it's happened… Not recently though. I've managed at least partial restraint in the last six months, maybe."

"So, is that the hold that Connors has over you?"

"W-what d-do you m-mean exactly?" Tamesis asked.

Reid spoke evenly, calmly, like a profiler would, "Does Connors know about something that you did, that he is using against you, as leverage. Is that why you can't leave him? Besides killing the man that shot me, I mean. Because I want to understand it, and I don't."

"Killing Joey was different. That was a direct order. It could have been given to any one of us; it just happened to be my name pulled from the hat, so-to-speak." He gritted his teeth and curled his hands into fist. "Joey hurt a valuable client, and you don't do that! He needed to pay for it. Those are the rules." He avoided the first part of the question.

Reid noted the reaction with curious eyes, but was also aware of the deflection. "You didn't answer me. Does Connors have something on you?"

Tamesis froze and then looked away, "Yes, he does. And it's big. But, I'd rather not talk about it."

"Why not?"

"Because."

"That's not an answer. Tell me why."

"Because, Reid! It's too… too… painful. Sad. I don't want to relive it if I can help it." Tamesis snapped at him.

"Oh. But maybe, if you talked about it? It would help. And I'd still like to know."

"Please, Reid. I don't want to." His voice became soft, almost silent.

"I can see you carry a lot of baggage with you. I just want to understand why you think the way you do. Why you feel like you're a monster, and unworthy of any kindness." Reid pushed gently.

"Because, Reid… I… I killed my family." Tamesis' last words were whispered. Reid's eyes widened and his jaw dropped. He must have audibly gasped because Tamesis looked up at him. "No, not in the way you're thinking. Not literally. But I might as well have."

"I… I don't understand."

Tamesis sighed. "Reid, it's a long story, and I really don't want to discuss it."

"T, this matters to me. I need to understand you. How you got to be where you are now. Just take it slow, and I'll listen."

Tamesis sighed again, "I suppose we have time. I need to be clear though, the only other person who knows this is Connors, and I wouldn't have told him if he didn't require it. So you can't tell anyone, please."

Reid nodded, "I promise."

He swallowed hard and began, "Well, you know I left home when I was fifteen, and that Connors found me when I was seventeen. The stuff before that, and in between, is complicated, and ugly, and I'm not really proud of any of it. I guess I should start… somewhere."

"The beginning would be good."

"Right, the beginning. Well, I grew up locally. I had a mother, and a father. I was her miracle child, only because I was born on Christmas day. And he left when I was about three. I really don't remember him at all. My mother, Maria, met someone new, and had two more kids, Colwyn, who's four years younger than me, and Orrin who's seven years younger. Their dad wasn't really around much either. My mother sure knew how to pick 'em. When he left she found another man to take his place, and I got two sisters out of the deal. Araxie, and Letha, ten and fourteen years younger respectively. And such was my life for the first fifteen years. My mother worked two or three jobs at a time to provide for us, because none of her husbands did. We lived well actually, always had food, clothes, a TV and a computer for school work. She was a little flighty, whimsical and light-hearted. She never really took anything seriously except for us kids. She made sure we had everything. But because she was always working, I was usually the one making dinner. I wrote out the shopping lists for her. I did everything to make sure my siblings were taken care of.

"I was eleven when we got the computer, and that was the beginning of the end for me. I quickly found the joys of internet. I was snared by chat rooms, and it was fun. It was joyous. I met people who seemed to care about me, loved me. Mostly men. And I was okay with that, I was just coming into my sexuality, realising who I was. What I was. So I chatted with these men while my siblings watched TV in the other room. I did so many wonderful, horrible, exhilarating, disgusting things with these nameless, faceless, people. I loved it, I craved it, I needed it to breathe. I couldn't function until I'd been… loved… that day.

"I don't really expect you to understand it—"

"No, I understand it. Trust me, I understand. I've seen it before."

"Anyway, I moulded myself into who they wanted me to be. I could be anyone, and I was. I just… I was a kid, and I needed more. Years progressed; I grew a little more adventurous. We got a webcam. It was a downward spiral, and I didn't want it to end. I was so in love with love… or maybe in love with lust is more accurate. Whatever the case, I was hooked.

"I remember one day distinctly, it was summer, and Letha had just been born. My mother was on leave from work to take care of Letha. I closed myself in the computer room for hours, entertaining myself and other men. I wasn't worried about getting caught; I don't even think I ever thought about it. So when my mom opened that door, my heart stopped. The look on her face, I'll never forget it."

"And she kicked you out?"

"No, she didn't. I was only fourteen. But she gasped, and I tried to get myself decent again. And then her third husband walked in to see what the commotion was about. Wow. He saw the male on the webcam on the screen; he knew what I'd been doing. I'd never seen him get violent before then, but that day… I couldn't see the colour of my skin for weeks through all the bruises. He hit me so hard, and all of it was seen on the webcam by others, no one said anything, they just watched. He called me horrible names, 'pervert' 'fag' 'tramp' 'slut' 'cocksucker', and my mother screamed at him, begged him to stop. My brothers came to investigate, and I can remember them telling him to stop, and Orrin was crying. When he was done, he picked me up and tossed me in my room, and I couldn't do anything to stop the abuse. I was too young, too weak.

"That night listened to him shouting at my mother. I don't think he hurt her, but I was in too much pain to get up and check. He said… He said he wasn't going to live under the same roof as her faggot son, and it was either him or me. She didn't choose, she couldn't choose. When I woke up the next day he was gone. We moved on. My mom talked to me about it, made sure I was okay. She made sure I knew that it didn't matter if I were gay or not. She didn't care. The only thing she wanted from me was to stop doing what I was doing, or at least to be safe about it. It was like she already knew I wouldn't be able to commit to stopping. I said I'd try though, and I did, but it didn't last.

"It was after that when the trouble really started. I ended up with a regular guy I chatted with daily if I could. He really cared. Or seemed to. Months I talked to him, and it got pretty heavy. He started asking if he could meet me in real life, and I knew… I knew without a shadow of a doubt that it was a bad idea. So I said no. And I kept saying no. And he kept asking." Tamesis licked his lips nervously. "I don't know how he did it. He was smart. Smarter than me. And he found me. He found my _house_! Mom was at work, and he showed up on our front step. I answered the door, and I froze. I was so scared. I told him to leave. That my brothers and sisters were here, and I didn't want them to see this. He could have over powered me so easily, but he didn't. He just promised that he would be back, because all he wanted for Christmas was me. It was Christmas eve.

"I freaked, I didn't want him coming back. I didn't want my family to ever have to see him. I packed a bag and waited for my mom to come home. I'd already put everyone to bed by that point, and it was after midnight when she walked in. Christmas day, my birthday." He sighed. "I told her I was leaving, and that she couldn't stop me. And she tried, so I shouted all sorts of abuse at her, telling her I hated her, and I hated this life, hated never having anyone take care of me for a change! I had to leave! I had to protect them! So that's what I did… tried to do. I left and never looked back."

"Oh my god, Tamesis. I'm so sorry." Reid gasped.

"I shouldn't have done that, it wasn't the right choice."

"You had no way of knowing that. You thought you were doing a good thing."

"I destroyed them. I killed them with my cruelness. Little Letha… She'll never even know who I am. And that's not the worst of it."

"Go on…"

"I left, I hit the streets. Went for a few days without eating, and sleeping in any crook or cranny I could find. It was winter, it was cold. I'd packed warm clothes though. I was prepared. It wasn't until I got really hungry that I realised I needed to eat. And to eat I needed money. So I made money the only way I knew how. The only way that was logical to me. I worked the streets in order to live. My first time, actually with anyone physically, was for money. Great start to my life on my own. Some guy in a filthy bathroom. Nameless, and faceless, just like the ones online. But it was better, more satisfying. Who knew working could actually be fun and enjoyable?"

"You lost your virginity to someone you didn't even know?" Reid was slightly taken aback.

"Yes, just the first person that walked up to me. Had it been a female then that would have been my first, but it wasn't. It was just… how it was. Day after day. I claimed that basement suite when the previous owner died. I'd been there once before, a fellow hustler; we got completely drunk the following Christmas. I was in a bad place… in my head. He was older, legal age. He was able to hook me up with a fake ID so I could would the club scene and earn more. Great guy. I don't know how he died, the rumours flew, and I kept his place. In case it wasn't true and he came back, but he never did, so it was mine. A year after that was when Connors found me.

"He was searching for viable candidates, I guess. He spied me. Picked me up in a frickin' limo! I thought I was going to make some major cash that night! But it didn't happen. Instead he offered me a job, training, a place to stay, food. I couldn't really say no. It was more than I dreamed could happen. He set me up, gave me my number, started to train me, and I was granted a laptop. I'm sure you can guess the first thing I did. I fell back into my old habits like I hadn't missed a day. And… and he was there. The man I'd run from was there still, after those years. And he taunted me, 'Oh, you're alive! Your family still mourns you. They think your dead. Just wait until I tell them you're alive.' I could have screamed at him, but he couldn't hear me and my mouth was too dry. He'd still been watching them, maybe even talking with them. Waiting for me. He never let go. He was too obsessed. I left to protect them and it didn't do any good. He still harassed them. My leaving didn't help at all. I put them through hell, for nothing. But I wasn't going to let them go through any more. I was going to end it. Except I was still too young, too weak. I'd only just started my training; I couldn't even hold a gun steady yet. I wanted to kill him though, I needed him dead, to save them. So I asked Connors, I told him my story, and he agreed. He made sure it was done by the next day. I didn't believe him.

"I didn't believe it could be so easy. So he took me there, to where his body had been dumped. Let me see it for myself. And when I looked into his cold dead eyes I laughed. I was so relieved I didn't know how else to react. I think Connors was pleased with that reaction, and he made sure I got all the training I needed. More than anyone else. And I did everything he asked me to without question, and I still do.

Reid couldn't speak for a moment. He tried to open his mouth a few times, but when he did no sound came out. He just shook his head in awe.

The silence weighed heavily on Tamesis and a few tears came to his eyes which he brushed away angrily. "You know, I probably ruined Christmas for all of them. It should have been joyous, and instead they'll always be sad."

Reid swallowed hard, "Christmas… oh god, T."

Tamesis shrugged, "It happens right? Though, to warn you, I seem to get a little darker around that time of year. I'm another year older, and it's another year of pain I've put them through. I know I've ruined it for them."

"Not to mention yourself."

Tamesis shook his head, "I don't… I don't care about myself. You know?"

"I do, but you should."

"Thanks, but… I didn't do anything right... I should have just stayed with them, because it didn't change anything. I shouldn't have run away like some sort of coward, but I thought… I thought it would help. That if I wasn't there, and I no longer had any ties to them, that he would leave, and find some new boy to stalk."

Reid shook his head, "You were fifteen. You made the best decision you knew how to make at the time. You tried to sacrifice yourself for them. That… that's… noble, T. Not cowardice."

"It doesn't feel noble… not anymore."

"Well it was. I don't know of many people at fifteen that would have done that."

"So…" he sighed, and met Reid's eyes for the first time, "do you understand now? Why I can't leave him as easily as you might think I can. I owe him _everything_, Reid. He got me off the streets, and saved my life. He gave me the tools and the power to take care of myself like I'd never had before. Most importantly though, he saved my family from a lifetime of suffering at the hands of that man. I won't ever be able to repay him for that. I can't leave him until he decides so."

Reid shook his head with a frown, "I understand why you would _think_ that. It's what he wants you to think. I also know that before I only despised him, now I loath him." He ignored Tamesis' confused look. "He wants you to think of him as a god, but he's not. I know you have reasons to feel the way you do, but I don't have to like it. I don't have to agree with it." He sighed, "I'm not taking what you told me lightly, T, because I know it was hard for you. I want to help you, if I can. If you think a screwed up junky like me can be any help. We can help each other."

"I have hope for you; I don't have hope for me. Besides, even if I was able to leave him, what would I go back to? Working the streets? As enjoyable as it was, I don't want to be a whore, Reid."

"If you have hope for me, then I have hope for you. There's more to you than just a sex addict and a trained drop boy. You just need to find it."

"If you say so." Tamesis mumbled unenthusiastically.

"I do. You have a good heart; you just need to be given the chance to let it out."

Tamesis shrugged, "Thanks, Reid, I guess."

There was silence until Reid asked, "What's the date today?"

"December, 1st." Tamesis replied automatically.

* * *

**A/N2: Something else I'd like to mention. Don't know how many of you have heard of the fanfiction awards, but I'm going to put a link to it in my profile as well. I'm a little bit excited. Any of my fics updated this year can be nominated. I'd like to be considered! (of course!)  
So if you read my Christmas fic last year, it can be included cause it was still updated in January...  
Along with this fic.  
(and no, I'm not trying to get T a spot for 'Best Original Character' with this chapter.... that was purely a coincidence! LOL)  
Cheers!**


	42. A Job

**A/N: Okay, sorry for the delay... scientific stuff makes me woozy. LOL a HUGE thank you to my Eviler Twin! You'll know why when you read it. *grin* and secondly another HUGE thanks to....well almost everyone! LOL Parzival, Tea, TE, LT etc etc etc.... I'm sure you've all had a hand in getting me to this point somewhere along the way.... Hopefully you'll know why when you read it. And third..... mucho HUGE thanks to my big sisso PanicButton, for giving me the uber huge nudge (push, prod, poke) I needed to get this done!  
Peace!**

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Chapter 42: A Job

The following days were met with uncomfortable silence. Reid sighed heavily after coming out of a well-deserved, well-needed, high. "Tamesis, you know you can trust me right?"

"Yes."

"So what you told me, about your past, I won't judge you. I'm not judging you. And I won't tell anyone."

Tamesis frowned, looking at Reid's final phial on the side table, and changed the subject, "You're running low, I should call the Boss, he wanted me to." He took out his phone and turned to leave the room.

"Tamesis, listen to me. You know that right?"

He sighed, "I don't want to talk about it." He shook his head, fighting away the sad memories, and left closing the door behind him. Reid frowned at the closed door until Tamesis returned. "He wants to meet with you."

"What? Why?"

"He didn't say why. Come on. Let's go."

"Okay, okay… But I'm not done yet. Talking with you."

"Fine, you can talk later. We have to go." Rather forcefully he took Reid by the arm and led him out of the room.

-0-0-0-

The cab ride was also full of tension. Tamesis avoiding every glance tossed his way. Reid couldn't understand why he would open up, and then shut down completely. Speaking only about business or basic needs. Even when Tamesis needed to satisfy his own addiction it was cold, emotionless. He took what he needed and then left.

Reid was so deeply embedded in his thoughts he hadn't noticed their arrival. From the outside the warehouse looked the same as any other, and the same as the last one he'd been to. But it wasn't. This wasn't even on the same side of town.

Tamesis got out and paid the cabby, not looking at Reid to even see if he was following. They stepped up to a side door and he punched in a pass-code. There was a gentle hiss as the heavy door was unlocked and Tamesis pulled it open. They walked down a narrow hall, Reid sticking close as Tamesis lead them somewhere.

He stopped short at a door on the second floor and knocked before calling out his number. "Six."

"Come in."

He opened the door and stood aside for Reid to enter first. Swallowing hard he took a deep breath and stepped passed the threshold into a large office. They walked toward the desk, Tamesis nudging Reid forward slightly, to where Connors sat.

"Well, have a seat now. Go on." Connors voice sent shivers down Reid spine.

Tamesis sat immediately, but Reid just frowned. "I'll stand thanks." he said coolly.

"As you wish. We have business to discuss. I hear you're running low on your supply." He stood so that Reid wasn't towering over him.

"I might be."

"And you're finances are a little slim too?"

"Yes."

"And you're aware of what that means?"

Reid swallowed, "I am."

"Then I have a proposal for you. An exchange. Instead of cash, you provide me with your services, and I'll give you your drugs."

"Why would I do anything for you?"

"Because you have no other options?" Alexander Connors replied evenly. "If you're going to let yourself quit, cold turkey like that, I will make it difficult for you. You'll be checked out of the hotel. I will take Six back with me, and you will not be allowed to use his place. And we'll see how well you fair. Or, you can provide me with your intellect, and nothing else has to change."

"What for?"

"Come, I'll show you." He brushed passed his desk and Reid, walking to the door, where he paused and looked back. "Six, you may come too." Tamesis nodded and stood to join them.

Connors led them farther down a hall and then opened a door into what looked like a large research facility, or chemistry lab. There were a handful of people in pale blue lab coats flittering about the stark white room. "We're having problems you see… Perfecting our formula." Noticing Connors the lab workers each gave him a small nod; more than a nod, almost a bow. "None of these imbeciles can seem to get it right. It really shouldn't be that difficult. I was hoping, with your degrees, you might fair better than them."

"Why? What's it for?"

"You sure ask a lot of questions. Questions you need not know the answers to. Asking for your cooperation is just a formality. Either you do this for me, or you're on your own. It's your choice."

"May I think about it first?"

"No you may not. Choose, now."

A small voice from behind Connors, Tamesis lifted his head and looked at Reid. "Just do it, Reid."

Connors spun on him, "Did I tell you that you could speak?" His voice was malicious.

Tamesis flinched and dropped his head, eyes on the floor, hands tightening into fists. "N-no, Sir. Sorry, Sir."

"Go stand by the door while I talk with our guest."

"Yes, Sir." Tamesis replied, and immediately turned on his heal and walked back to the door.

Reid watched the exchange with a frown. "So, what other reason do I have to do this?"

"You're not really in a position to bargain."

"I think I'm in the exact position."

"You have nothing else I want, and I have nothing else to give. Take it or leave it."

Reid sighed and looked past Connors to Tamesis who was looking at the ground by the door. "Alright, fine, what do I need to do?"

"I will give you a list of ingredients, chemicals and compounds, and you will find a way to combine them in such a manner as to create a stable substance… that won't kill people when ingested."

"What for?"

"That is one of those things you don't need to know."

"And what makes you think I'm capable of that?"

"You have a PhD in Chemistry, do you not?"

"Yes."

"That's all you need."

"I don't like this." Reid said a cold edge to his voice.

"You don't need to. You just need to do your job, and you'll get paid in full. I'll let you digest this for today. You can start tomorrow. Six!" He called out and Tamesis stepped forward keeping his head bowed.

"Yes, Sir?"

"Take him back to the hotel will you. And do your job." He sneered. Tamesis was about to turn away when Connors spoke again. "One more thing. We both know what time of year it is. Try to use a little tact this year. You have important business to do, and you will _not_ screw it up, understand?"

Tamesis nodded, "Yes, Sir."

"You know what could happen if you do."

He swallowed hard and nodded again, not speaking.

"Good. Glad we have an understanding." Connors turned back to Reid. "Have a good night." he said with a pleasant smile that made Reid sick.

Reid followed Tamesis back out of the building in silence, his brain on overdrive. It wasn't until they were back at the hotel that he got up the nerve to speak. "I don't like the way he talks to you."

"Huh?" Tamesis asked, confused.

"Connors, he orders you around like you're some… puppy he can control. And you! You let him! And what's with the 'Sir' all the time?"

"That's just how we speak to him. We… we have to respect our elders."

"That's not respect. Respect works both ways. He just treats you like dirt, and expects to be worshipped by you."

"He's a great man." Tamesis replied flatly.

"Were we both in that same room? He is anything but great! And you willingly work for him?"

"Well, now so do you."

"That's not what I mean. You let him… degrade you like that. It's not right."

"He saved my life, Reid. I owe him everything. He keeps me fed and watered and clothed and sheltered. Is it too much for him to ask for my respect in return?"

"You… you don't understand what I'm saying do you?"

He frowned, "No, I guess not."

"He's got a hold over you, stronger than respect. It's his way, or no way."

"He's always right. He's smart. He knows what's best for us."

"You… you're only here with me because he wants you to be, right?"

Tamesis frowned deeper.

"I thought so. Do you care about my wellbeing at all?"

"Y-yes."

"So, if he asked you… to kill me. Would you do it?"

He fell silent, dropping his gaze. The silence stretched on for an agonizingly long minute while Tamesis thought. Finally he looked up with a sombre expression, "Y-yes. Probably. Most likely. Yes."

"Why?"

"Because… Because he wanted me to. He asked me to."

Reid sighed closing his eyes. "You… He has you freaking brainwashed! You wouldn't think twice about doing anything he asked!? You physically can't disobey him, can you?"

"I… I don't want to disobey him."

"I don't think it's a matter of want."

"You don't know what you're talking about!"

Reid sighed, "Fine… whatever." He flopped down on the couch. "So what did he mean, about it being this time of year?"

Tamesis sighed, "It's nothing."

"Are you sure?" he raised an eyebrow.

"Yes. Don't worry about it."

Seconds ticked by into silence. Tamesis sat down on the couch next to him and turned on the TV as a distraction. Once again it was Reid who broke the silence, nearly a half hour later. "You have a family. Don't they worry?"

"_Had_… a family." Tamesis corrected.

"Okay, so then you 'had' a last name. You never told me what it was."

"You never asked."

"I'm asking now."

"Loman."

"Tamesis Loman?" Tamesis nodded, and Reid smiled. "Loman is the name of a river. In Devon, England."

"Yep."

"So both your names, are after English rivers?"

Tamesis nodded, "My mom was a big name buff. She looked up my father's last name, and found that out, so she named me after a river too. She liked it so much she kept the trend with my siblings, even though their last names are different. We all have something to do with rivers." He sighed.

"So, can we talk more about what you told me? Please?"

"Really, I'd rather not. Not now… Not… this month. Please?"

"Ok, but after?"

"Maybe. We'll see."

Reid sighed and dropped the topic. They settled in for an evening of horrid reality shows, and sitcoms. Reid's focus was elsewhere though, his mind trying to figure out the multitude of problems before him. He got nowhere fast, however, and resolved to pick it up in the morning.

-0-0-0-

Morning came faster than anticipated, and he realised, as Tamesis told him to get ready, that his brain would be focused on other things today, and not on the things he wanted to figure out. The drive was once again silent and oppressive, and Reid hated that every day Tamesis seemed to grow more distant. They were supposed to be supporting each other but that just wasn't the case now. Tamesis seemed to have shut down, and locked himself away inside. Reid wanted to help, but wasn't being given a chance. He couldn't put the facts together; why did this start after T opened up? What did the month of December have to do with anything? Why did T seem to be a completely different person – from outgoing and ready for anything, to silent and guarded?

It was driving Reid mad that he couldn't figure it out, when he was sure he would normally have no problem. Right now though, nothing fit. He didn't get much longer to think about it before he found himself in the same stark white lab, with Connors and Tamesis on either side of him. One of the other workers handed him a pale blue lab coat, which he refused. He was not about to conform like that.

He was lucky Connors didn't see the need to hold him down and force him to wear it. He was given a work area with phials and jars – liquids and solids – of substances, seven in all, along with a fairly heavy booklet detailing the chemical compounds and formulas of each. Then he was told to get to work, and was left alone.

He looked at the list, speaking each one aloud, "Lysergic acid diethylamide," a frown, "phenylcyclohexylpiperidine," a deeper frown, "Methylenedioxymethamphetamine, Tetrahydrocannabinol, benzoylmethylecgonine, diacetylmorphine, methamphetamine." Reid's expression by the end of the list was a mixture of anger, hate, and disgust. They were all common drugs; party drugs and hard drugs, and he was being asked to _combine_ them! And to do so in a way that the final product could safely be administered to a person? A human being? Without killing them? It had to be impossible! And even if it wasn't he wanted no part of it!

He wracked his brain trying to come up with a way to get out of this situation, and still get his drugs, but came up blank. Maybe, just maybe, he could pretend to do the work, and still get paid. Right now that seemed as good an answer as any, so he set to work on a scrap piece of paper, faking his way through combining the formulas.

A few days passed and he kept up the charade, until Tamesis spoke up to Connors, informing him that Reid was in need of another phial now. Connors obliged, presenting Reid with one single phial, and Reid felt accomplished that he at least got what he wanted out of the deal. However, if he wanted another he'd have to keep playing the game. So he kept faking, and five days later Connors handed over another phial. It was a perfect plan, and it was working.

Reid was almost glad for the time away from the hotel. Tamesis was only becoming more lifeless and cold, and being alone, at least somewhat alone, gave Reid time to think about what to say and how to act around him. Part of him felt a little guilty for avoiding the situation, but Tamesis wasn't exactly making it easy to talk about. His brain still wouldn't make the connection, so he couldn't confront him with a solid case, and T wasn't talking to him, so they couldn't even discuss it together. He hated the emptiness he saw when he looked into those deep blue eyes. He hated that a person he'd come to think of as a friend was clearly suffering over something, but didn't want to let him in. And he simply hated feeling so alone, even when in the same room as him. After all they'd shared, and still shared when Tamesis needed it, Reid was starting to feel used. He needed to fix this, he just didn't know how yet. And so, he thought for hours on end, every day, while making up formulas and equations, knowing eventually he'd get the answer he sought.

* * *

**A/N2: For those too lazy to look up what those drugs are... they are, LSD, PCP, Ecstasy, THC, cocaine, heroin, and obviously, meth. Nasty nasty vile things...... Do we all equally despise Connors now? lol**


	43. Xmas In Hell

**A/N: My Christmas chapter...... only a little bit late! LOL  
Enjoy!  
**

* * *

_[Spoken Word]  
Merry Christmas._

Well, that's what people say at Christmas, right?  
Except normally they have someone to say it to.  
They have friends and family,  
And they haven't been crouched naked under a Christmas tree  
with a needle in their arm like an insane person in a mansion in Van Nuys.  
They're not out of their minds, they're not writing in a diary,  
And they're definitely not watching their holiday spirit coagulate in a spoon.  
I didn't speak to a single person today.  
I thought, "Why should I ruin their f-cking Christmas?"

I've started a new diary and this time I have a few new reasons.  
One, I have no friends left.  
Two, so I can read back and remember what I did the day before.  
And three, so if I die, at least I leave a nice little suicide note of my life.

It's just me and you, diary. Welcome to my f-cking life.

* * *

Chapter 43: X-Mas In Hell

Tamesis' behaviour only continued to worsen as the days went by. One morning, dropping Reid off at 'work' he stopped suddenly and turned to look at Reid. "You can find your way to the lab?" he asked, just voice shallow, cold, and emotionless.

Reid swallowed, "Erm… yes."

Tamesis turned and punched in the security code, pulling the heavy outside door open. "Then I'll leave you here. And I won't be here when you get off, so you'll have to catch a cab back on your own. Boss will give you money for that as well, when he pays you today."

"Where are you going?" Reid asked.

"It doesn't matter."

"Will you be home… when I get there?"

"Probably." He paused, and when Reid didn't say anything he sighed. "Look, when you get back, just keep your head down, and go straight to your room, and stay there until I say otherwise. No matter what."

"What do you mean, no matter what?" Reid's eyes frowned with concern.

"Just… if you hear anything or whatever… don't worry."

"What would I be hearing?"

"I don't know." Tamesis replied honestly. "Now, go. Before you're late. Please."

Reid stepped through the door with a frown, looking back at Tamesis, "We'll talk later?"

Tamesis shrugged and let go of the door, turning on his heel and walking away.

Reid sighed, frustrated. Today. Today would be the day he confronted T about his behaviour, and talked with him. No matter what, he was going to figure this out. He vowed it to himself as he walked up to the lab. He paused as he stepped into the room, almost thinking he'd made a mistake about which door it was. There was red and green tinsel decorating the walls, and various other Christmas decorations strewn about the place. Two other lab workers were smiling and talking amongst themselves as they put them up.

He eyed it all curiously, "What's all this for?"

One of them, a female, gave him an incredulous look, "It's Christmas eve, silly! We thought we'd liven it up in here. At least for today."

"Oh!" Reid said, completely shocked he'd forgotten the day. He'd have to buy Tamesis something… Tamesis, tonight, Christmas Eve… A couple pieces of the puzzle clicked into place. He frowned as he went to his work station, totally consumed now by thoughts of Tamesis, T's past, and the connection to Christmas.

-0-0-0-

The hotel gift shop had many assortments of things, and it took Reid a while to pick out one he liked. "Can I get it wrapped please?"

The lady behind the counter nodded and took out a dark blue long rectangular gift box. She shimmied the lid off and carefully laid the item inside and replaced the lid. "There's a tag here, sir, if you'd like to write on it."

"Thank you." Reid said smiling as he borrowed a pen and scribbled down a few words. He charged the purchase to the hotel room, with a small inner smirk.

A sense of dread and foreboding started to over come him as he made his way up to the suite. He didn't know what would await him when he opened that door. He wasn't sure he wanted to find out. He took a deep breath before sliding the room key into the slot and then turning the handle. He ducked his head as he stepped inside, keeping his eyes to the ground. He couldn't hear anything at all. He kept moving, eyes on the floor before stopping short. He looked down at this spot on the cream coloured carpet and his eyes widened. Small tiny flecks of red; of blood.

He swallowed hard and raised his head. There were fine sprays of red in many areas, but it probably looked worse than it actually was. There were larger drops on the floor in a centralized location against one wall which held a bloody handprint. Reid's jaw was agape, his eyes wide, as he took in the scene. "My god…" he whispered.

"Reid?" a small voice from the couch. "Go… to your room. Please."

Reid looked at the back of the couch and then slowly made his way around the side so that he could see the occupant. "T? Are you… Oh my god!" He froze, looking at Tamesis lying naked on his front. The source of the blood in one area of the suite seemed to be due to the abrasions on T's lower body. They weren't uniform or consistent in length or even the angle they were on his skin. To Reid they resembled lashes, as if he'd been whipped repeatedly across his thighs, buttocks, and lower back. Reid tossed the box he carried onto the coffee table and reached out to put a hand on his shoulder, crouching down by the arm of the couch.

Tamesis lifted his head slowly, breathing hard, "Please… leave…"

"Are you okay? What happened?" Reid surveyed the damage from a distance, eyes wide.

A small, lopsided, smile seemed to pass over Tamesis' lips. "It's nothing… Don't worry about it."

"It doesn't look like nothing. What happened?"

"I told you to go… It's pretty much stopped bleeding now… they're really shallow cuts… Its okay."

"It is not okay! It is really not okay." He looked out over the tattoo that covered the top half of T's back; an intricate cross. The cuts didn't start until just below the tattoo, as if it had been purposely avoided. Reid brushed his fingers over the ink, distracted by it for a moment. "When did you get this?" he wondered out loud.

Tamesis answered, even though he knew he wasn't meant to, it was a change of topic he was grateful for. "Last Christmas, I think. I don't… I don't actually remember getting it… I was drunk… Noticed it a few days later once I could actually move again."

Reid frowned, "You do stuff like this every year, don't you." It wasn't really a question.

"Yes… I have to."

"Have to? Why?"

"I have to… try… to make amends, for what I put them through."

"So this is how you do it!? This is how you make amends to your family?" Reid was suddenly angry.

"If I can match physically, the pain that they must have felt emotionally… Well then I'll be happy. Then I might be able to forgive myself for what I did."

"This is insane, Tamesis! Don't you get how crazy that sounds?"

Tamesis shook his head.

"You think they'd want you to suffer? You think they'd want you in pain?!" he was shouting now.

"Reid!" Tamesis hissed, "Keep your voice down."

"You think having yourself whipped is going to make them feel better?!"

"No… Maybe not… but it'll make _me _feel better."

"God, Tamesis, look at you…" Reid shook his head, his eyes beginning to water, finally understanding. "Let's get you cleaned up."

"No." Tamesis shook his head. "I'm not done yet."

"Not done yet? You mean… there's more?"

He nodded, "Now please… Go to your room… I don't want you to have to witness it."

"So you're going to keep hurting yourself, despite what I said?" Reid asked.

"Yes." Tamesis said quietly.

There were hushed voices behind Reid and he turned his head, but no one was there. He looked back at Tamesis, who had also turned his attention in the same direction, so he knew he wasn't hearing things. He glanced back again, and located the source, coming from behind the door to the back bedroom, T's room. Reid didn't have to wait long before the door opened and two men walked out. Large and buff, short cropped hair, one blonde, and one dark haired, both completely nude, but no sign of a whip in either of their hands.

They stopped short when they saw Reid, and then looked at Tamesis, one of them speaking. "Your healing time is up. Your friend joining us?"

"No!" Tamesis replied quickly. "No, he is not." He looked to Reid purposefully, "He was just leaving."

Reid stood up, mouth open. "I… uh… Right." He looked between the two men and Tamesis, and then watched as T painfully stood, grimacing, and grabbed two fresh condom packets from the table and walked over to them. He handed one to each of the men, and then stood between them waiting, face devoid of emotion again. Reid took a step backwards, then another, and another. "Right… I'm gone. I am _so_ gone!"

He turned on his heel and dashed into his room. He started by grabbing clothes and stuffing them into his overnight bag, after that came any other essentials. Finally ending with tucking his sharps container under his arm. He couldn't stay here, not while this was going on. He couldn't bear to be in the same building, let alone just a room away from something so wrong. He'd call Tamesis in a couple days to talk, once this had all blown over, because right now it was too much.

He left his room in a rush trying to force his eyes away from the living room. The sounds were enough to paint a vivid picture in his head; he didn't need the visual to go along with it. He didn't know where he was going yet, but he'd find some place. Maybe… Maybe he'd go home. For Christmas. Yes, that sounded like a good idea.

Reid was shaking when he made it down to the lobby and outside. He counted out the change he had left over from his cab ride here, and sighed with relief. There might just be enough to get him home. He hailed a cab and gave his address, asking with a slight moment of apprehension if the amount of money he had would get him there.

"I can try, but it'll be slim. I can get you close though."

Reid nodded, "Thank you." He paid up front and then settled back into his seat with a sigh.

-0-0-0-

It took a long while of standing in front of his door before he got the courage to open it. As he looked down the hall there was one glaring difference from how he'd left it. A large fully decorated Christmas tree stood in front of the living room window. Reid dropped the things he was carrying and walked slowly down the hall towards it. Tentatively he reached out a hand and brushed his fingers against a branch. He knew, he knew without having to see it, or ask, that Gideon was responsible for this.

His eyes drifted down to the floor where a handful of wrapped gifts stood. He knelt down and looked at the tags on each one. All to him, one from each of his former team mates – friends. His eyes started to water and he brushed it all away angrily. Angry because of the tears, but inside he was feeling somewhat elated. He felt loved and cared for again. Never in his wildest dreams or imagination would he have that they still cared.

Maybe he would have to call them after Christmas too. Or at least Gideon. But not now, and not tomorrow. There was no way he was going to bother any of them on the holiday. They didn't need their Christmas ruined by hearing from him. So he would wait until after. Now, right now, he needed to escape from everything. Needed to forget about his friends, and forget about what might be happening to Tamesis. He had his own problems to deal with, he couldn't take thinking about, or trying to solve, anyone else's. It could wait.

He stood and moved back to the bag he'd brought in, taking out his old phial with its final dose, and the new one he'd just received from Connors. With them he grabbed his sharps container and a handful of syringes and brought them back into the living room. He sat on the couch so that he could see the tree and set everything on the table.

Carefully he reached out and took up a syringe and the near empty phial. He licked his lips as he tore open the protective covering around the syringe. He was nervous, hesitant, but also a little excited. Ever since the incident in the motel room he hadn't readied his own needle, too afraid he might mess up again. Tamesis had always done it for him… Again his thoughts brought him back to one person. He sighed and drew up 2cc's, taking only half of what was there. Too afraid to take anything more. Just enough to clear his head. That was all he needed.

The effects were dulled but enough to let him see things clearly again. Enough to cause him to sweat and soak his clothes. He stood quickly, head spinning, and began to strip. He was a lot less self-conscious than he used to be after spending time with Tamesis. They were complete opposites in most ways, and Reid saw no reason to fear being naked in his home. Especially as there was no one else around.

He felt immediately cooler, and the sweating died down a little, replacing him with a welcome chill. He walked unsteadily around his apartment, looking at everything. Reacquainting himself with his things. He spent a long time with each item. He was well and truly down off his high by the time he finished, and it was very dark outside. He clicked on the Christmas tree lights and stood looking at them.

It was beautiful. Probably the only beautiful thing in his life right now. He went back to the couch and lay down to look at it some more. Somewhere along the way his eyes drifted closed and he fell asleep, dreaming of pain and hurt. Haunted images keeping him from sleeping soundly. Keeping him from rejuvenating his body and mind. Making him want to dull his thoughts again.

-0-0-0-

Reid awoke to the glaring midday sun in his eyes. He was slightly startled to find himself naked until the memories flooded back. He took a deep breath and then opted for a hot shower to ease his aches and stiff shoulders from sleeping on the couch.

The water was blissfully hot, nearly scalding, as he washed his hair and then stood under the spray until it finally ran cold. He quickly towel dried his hair, wondering briefly if it needed to be cut, and then tied the towel around his waist. With slight apprehension he wondered if there was any food in the fridge; correction – food that wasn't growing things.

He was surprised to find that it had apparently been cleaned out recently; leaving only the items that hadn't expired yet. It even appeared as if new things had replaced them. He sighed and took out a few slices of cheese and some crackers from the cupboard. Though it certainly wasn't as good as the food at the hotel, he ate slowly, savouring each bite. There was just something special about food from home, especially after being away for so long.

Completing his lunch he browsed his collection of books he missed so much, selecting one to read. He forced himself to take care, to read each word individually, and soak them up. He wanted it to last. As afternoon faded into evening the words were starting to blur. The Christmas tree lights provided little illumination for him to see the page properly, but he forged ahead passionately, knowing the words off by heart anyway.

It hit him rather suddenly, a horrendous pain in his stomach which quickly morphed into intense nausea. He dropped the book to the floor and followed shortly after, rolling off the couch and onto his hands and knees. His body shook, making it hard to breath. He was sweating again, which he found odd as he was only in a towel, but he knew it was for the total opposite reason than before. He started to crawl towards the bathroom, stripping himself of the towel as he went.

He only managed to make it a few feet before he realised there was a much easier solution to his problem. He turned back to the table and reached shakily for the phial resting on it. His fingers fumbled with it, knocking it to the floor where it rolled rather neatly until it stopped against a present under the tree. Reid groaned and whimpered. Why did everything in his life always have to be so difficult! With a sigh he snatched at a syringe packet and crawled towards the tree, each small move like climbing a mountain.

Reaching the tree he shifted into a crouch as he unwrapped the syringe and then picked up the phial. The image of it sitting under the tree with his other presents wasn't lost on him. Nor was the fact that it was the 'present' he reached for before any others. He debated for a moment opening his other gifts, it _was_ Christmas after all, but they weren't going anywhere, and he might loose his lunch if he didn't act fast.

He couldn't believe he'd allowed himself to loose track of time like that. He should have taken the second half of this dose when he first woke up. It was impossible, now, for him to last 24 hours on only 2cc's. His hands shook as he swallowed the bile rising in his throat. It took a couple tries to get the tip of the needle into the phial but he managed it and drew out the precious liquid.

Rocking slowly back and forth he forced himself to clear his head and focus on finding a vein. Again he knew he should be tying his arm off be he didn't have anything within reach. It would be okay. He just needed to fight off the withdrawals and calm himself down. He winced as he missed a vein three times before finally having success. The rush was minimal, but enough. Just enough. He tossed the syringe away from him, and lay down on his back under the tree

He looked up at the sparkling lights, a small smile on his face. Life was perfect again. Crisis averted. All was well. And it was Christmas. His face fell. Christmas… Just another commercial holiday, where the only people who really benefited were the department store owners. He wasn't sure at what point he'd become so cynical about the holiday, but he was now. Christmas was supposed to be about friends and family, celebrating whatever you believed. But the point was being together. Finding joy in the company of others.

His eyes were beginning to water as his thoughts settled on his friends. They had been his family. They had always made time to do something together around the holidays, and this year he wouldn't see them, or even talk to them. There was no point in it. He would spend it alone, living his life the way he wanted to. At least, he was sure this was still what he wanted. And they would spend it with their loved ones. He wasn't a part of that anymore. He'd made sure he wasn't a part of that. There was no denying he was alone now. Completely and utterly alone.

The tears finally spilled over his lashes, streaking down his face as he rolled onto his side to curl up and weep. He let it out. Let it all out. The days, weeks, and months of feeling sorry for himself finally catching up. He hugged his arms to his bare chest and sobbed continually. Barely able to catch a breath before breaking out again. He mumbled incoherent things to himself, apologising to no one and everyone for various acts unknown.

He thought the tears would never end, that he'd flood his apartment and drown in the salty water. Which would be just as well. He didn't deserve to continue living like this. Hurting everyone he came across. He didn't help people anymore. He only destroyed lives, stole happiness, and killed hope.

A phone ringing brought him out of his self-assessment. His phone. He lifted his head, and then chose to ignore it. Unsure of where it was anyway. The ringing stopped only to be restored by whoever was calling a moment later. With a groan Reid rolled to his hands and knees and crawled towards the sound. He may as well see who it is. He made it to his desk, and reached up to grab his phone as it rang. The display read, 'Private Name' but the number was visible. He knew it. Tamesis.

He should answer. He knew he should answer and make sure T was alright, but he was too busy wallowing in his own self-pity to care. Besides, if he was calling then he must be okay. That was all he needed to know, really. He ignored the ringing once again until it started for a third time. He wanted to crawl back to the couch to talk, but the phone was charging, plugged into the wall near the rear of the desk where he couldn't reach, and unplugging it from the phone itself didn't cross his mind. With a sigh he leaned against the bookcase and answered, "Go away, Tamesis."

"Reid! Are you okay?"

"Shouldn't I be asking you that? But I guess everything is just perfect with you. Have you gotten to the grand finale yet? What did you have planned? A little S&M? Some erotic asphyxiation? Or a gang rape maybe?"

"Reid! It's not like that! You wouldn't understand."

"No, of course I wouldn't! Because poor Reid has killed off all his brain cells!" He choked on a sob he was suppressing.

"Reid, please… Can we just talk?"

"Oh so now you want to talk? You don't want to talk when I want to; it has to be on your terms? Is that it? Well guess what! I don't feel like talking anymore."

"Please… Look I know your home, I'm downstairs, just buzz me up."

"Oh, so you can walk can you?"

"Yes, I can walk! I told you it's not that bad. Now buzz me up."

"Why would I do that?"

"Because… you sound upset. I want to make sure you're alright." Tamesis pleaded.

"Why do you even care? It's not like I'm supposed to mean anything to you. Right? I figured it out you know. A while ago, I figured it out. I'm just an assignment for you. Nothing more." He was crying again as he spoke, his words cracking.

"That's not true… I mean, it is true, technically, at first. But I consider you a friend now. I really do. I never would have told you the things I did, about my past, if you were just some random person I never wanted to see again. I trusted you with that, and I still trust you."

"How do I know you're not just saying that to get me back under your watchful eye?"

"I guess you don't. You'll just have to trust me."

"Well I don't. How can I trust someone I don't even know? I don't know you, T. Not after last night. I have no idea who you are anymore."

"I have my own issues, _I_ know that, _you_ know that, but they don't concern you, Reid. Just let me in."

"No. Leave me alone, Tamesis. Go away. I don't care what you do, where you go, but it won't have anything to do with me anymore. You won't need to worry about me again. Goodbye." If Tamesis replied Reid didn't hear it. He closed the phone and then turned it off, going so far as to remove the battery as well.

He crawled again, crawling seeming so much easier, to the table where he grabbed another syringe and his new phial. He wiped angrily at the tears in his eyes, pushing on the chair to help him stand. He looked around, deciding where. Where to be when he made the pain disappear. His room. He'd lie down on his bed, and just sleep for as long as it took to make the world change. Weeks, months, years, it didn't matter. That would be where he'd spend the rest of eternity.

With stumbling steps he proceeded down the hall to his room, the lights from the tree barely reaching this far. He stepped into the darkness of his room and was enveloped by it. It sucked him in, stole his breath, and made him shiver. This was a different darkness from the usual safe comforting darkness his room usually held. This darkness was ominous, seething with hate, and fear, and loss, and death. He welcomed it as he sat down and removed the syringe from its protection. He drew up as much as the syringe would hold, and let the needle penetrate his skin and go into a vein. He injected the drug and became one with the darkness.

* * *

_[Spoken Word]  
Nobody would believe the shit that happens in my head, it's haunted.  
Now that I've come down from the drugs  
it seems like a sick play that I saw in a theater somewhere.  
Thirty minutes ago, I could've killed someone.  
Or better yet, myself._

Lyrics by Sixx:A.M.  
Song 'X-Mas In Hell'  
Track 1.


	44. Dead Man's Ballet

**A/N: I'm sorry it took forever.**

* * *

_**Dead Man's Ballet**_

_Oh no, how could this happen to  
Such an amazing young boy  
I had my whole life ahead of me._

Oh God, how could you have let this  
Happen to such a lovely young child  
I was their only son and I tried, tried, tried!

_Yeah, you, you miserable father  
The one who ignored me for half of my life  
Now I, I can't even look at you  
Why? Why? Why?_

Don't abandon me now  
I don't want to die!

_You can lead him to the ambulance  
But you cannot make him live  
(No, you cannot make me live!)  
You can lead him to the ambulance  
(Lead me home!)  
But you cannot make him live  
_

* * *

Chapter 44: Dead Man's Ballet

Tamesis froze only for a second after Reid hung up on him, a split second of debate, before he decided what he had to do. He had no choice. His mind was racing with all the possible things Reid could be doing at that moment, or about to do. He needed to protect Reid, to keep him safe. That was his job, his assignment; there was no way he'd admit it had become anything more than friendship at best. In order to keep Reid safe, he had only one option. One method that might just work.

Sure, he had essentially failed at his task, and he had no doubt he'd be punished for it, but if it kept Reid from self-destructing any further, he'd do whatever it took. He'd face whatever punishment Connors dished out, even if that punishment included execution. All he wanted to do now was save Reid.

He dialed the number stored in his phone, and brought it with a shaking hand to his ear.

-0-0-0-

Cutlery clanged against dinner plates at the Hotchner residence, as the fabulous Christmas feast was divided amongst the members seated at the table. Gideon, among them, sighed heavily, before issuing a 'thank you' for the large helping of mashed potatoes that had just landed on his plate without his consent. He didn't feel much like eating.

Hotch tossed him a glance across the table. "You need to relax. You know I don't like it either, but there's nothing we can do. Just enjoy the meal."

Gideon sighed again, his voice low, "I used to always cook Christmas dinner for him."

"I know, but he's not here now. Please, just relax for a night. That's all I ask."

"I can't relax. I shouldn't have come for dinner, I apologize, but I'm really not the best company right now."

Hotch shook his head, "Which is exactly why you should be here, and not by yourself at home. You need to be with people."

"Is he with anyone? Is he enjoying a good meal? I highly doubt it." Gideon sighed again as his phone started to ring.

Hotch instinctively glanced down at the pager on his hip, expecting it to go off as well, and for them to get called away. When it didn't he looked back up at Gideon's horror struck face.

-0-0-0-

Tamesis breathed a sigh of relief when the phone was answered, but his voice caught in his throat for a moment. "J-Jason Gideon? It's… um… Reid's… friend."

"What's happened?" Gideon's voice was urgent.

"He… um… I don't know. He's back at his apartment, and he won't let me up, and he sounded really… upset. I'm… worried."

Tamesis could hear the scraping of chair legs as Gideon stood up. "You want me to check on him?"

"Please, you have a key… You can get to him, I can't. Just… hurry… I don't know what he's doing, but I can guess. And I'm scared." He choked on the word, fear being a relatively unknown emotion to him. "Please…"

"I'll be there soon."

"Thank you…"

-0-0-0-

Gideon was moving toward the door, getting ready to leave. Hotch followed him, inquiring about the phone call. Gideon looked up at him, trying to hide the panic in his eyes. "It was about, Spencer. I need to go. Thank Haley for the food."

"I'll come with you."

"No. No, stay here, and have dinner with your family. They need you more. I'll call you later."

Reluctantly Hotch nodded, and let Gideon go.

-0-0-0-

Tamesis stood just around the corner from the main doors, counting the seconds. It was too long… he was going to be too late. He watched the doors from a distance, looking for any signs of activity. Maybe he could sneak in when someone came out, or follow someone else in. Even if he did that, though, he realized he still had no way into Reid's place. His lock picking skills were good, but he didn't have anything with him.

He chewed his lip nervously, checking the time on his phone every thirty seconds until he finally saw Gideon. He debated for a moment, about following him in, but then shook his head. He didn't want to go in there. He didn't want to see the destruction he'd caused. Maybe that made him a coward, but he didn't care. He would wait here.

-0-0-0-

Gideon was flying up the stairs of Reid's apartment complex a mere 15 minutes after he'd left the Hotchner's. He'd called EMT's on the road, preparing for the worst. He nearly barreled through the door, hardly stopping to unlock it. "Reid! Spencer!" he shouted, but got no response as he stepped in front of Reid's bedroom door. He reached in and flicked on the light, unable to stop the gasp that came to his lips when the illumination fell on Reid's form lying still on the bed.

"Spencer!" Gideon shouted again, running to his side. "Oh no, oh no…." Gideon could hear the siren on the ambulance pulling up out front, and he could only hope they would find their own way inside, because he wasn't moving from here, to answer the door. He reached out to check Reid's pulse and nearly recoiled at the cool clammy skin beneath his fingertips. He wasn't cold, but he was cool enough to cause concern. Gideon felt for the pulse carefully, finding it weak and slow. He places a hand in front of Reid's nose and mouth next, and finding his breathing to be almost non-existent.

"Come on, Spencer. Don't do this." Gideon urged, though he knew his words were probably in vain. He tried to rouse Reid by shaking his shoulders and gently smacking his face, but it didn't work. He continued his efforts; positive that Reid's skin was cooling more every long second. His lips were lightening, turning blue.

The agony on Gideon's face was evident as EMT's stormed the apartment, having easily gained access by buzzing the manager's office. He stepped back as they pushed their way past him to get to Reid. He could hear them talking amongst themselves, while another tried to ask him questions. Gideon raised his head to look at the female EMT that had placed a hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry… what?"

"How long has he been like this?"

"I… I don't know. He was… still alert, talking, when I got called here…. Seventeen minutes ago? But he was like this when I found him moments ago." Gideon shook his head, unsure of his timeline. Unsure of almost everything.

"Then we don't have much time. What's his name?"

"Spencer. Spencer Reid. Doctor Reid." Gideon bit his lip.

"Doctor?"

Gideon nodded, a tiny smile peeking through. "PhD's."

"So was he the one who called you?"

"No, no… It was… a… friend, of his." He almost choked on the word 'friend'. "I think they fought. And the friend called me right after."

"And where is this friend now?"

"I don't know. I don't…" Gideon was distracted by the motion of Reid being loaded onto a stretcher. He ignored any further questions and stepped back over to Reid. "What… What are you doing?"

One of the male EMT's answered, "We need to get him downstairs and into the ambulance right away. We need to be able to properly monitor his vitals, we can treat him better there, than here, and get him to the hospital. He doesn't have much time left." He couldn't quite hide the urgency in his voice, despite trying to keep calm so Gideon wouldn't panic. They were already moving away with Reid's still form.

If Gideon didn't already know better he would have sworn Reid was dead. He looked dead; so very, very dead. Part of him was just waiting for the stark white sheet to be placed over his face. He followed them, not missing a step, while the female asked him another question.

"Do you know what he OD'd on? We need to know how to treat him."

"D-Dilaudid." Gideon replied. This seemed to satisfy her, and Gideon was allowed to continue following the medics as they rushed Reid from the apartment building. He managed to grab hold of Reid's arm as they ran through the front doors to the open ambulance. He needed to hold him, to make it okay. Maybe clinging to Reid could pull him back from the brink.

The male medic he had spoke to turned to him, trying to pull him away from Reid. "Come on. Come on, get out of the way! Let us work."

Gideon shook his head, and the second EMT turned to him, "You're going to have to let go of his arm! You have to let go of him, sir!"

The first nodded, "We've got about two minutes here! We've got about two minutes and we're gonna loose him!"

Reluctantly Gideon backed up and watched them load Reid into the back. The ambulance becoming a hearse in his mind. He stood perfectly still as the doors closed behind them, and he watched the vehicle race off. He swayed, feeling ill, before forcing himself to walk to his car and drive to the hospital. His hands shook as he put the key in the ignition, and slowly stepped on the gas to begin the trip. The dark shadow at the corner of the building went by unnoticed as he sped off after the ambulance.

-0-0-0-

Tamesis stood at the corner as the EMT's ushered Reid from the building. He bit his lip nervously as he watched them make Gideon move away. Well, Reid was still alive, that was good. T frowned, though, not liking that Reid was now surrounded by strangers, and was about to be taken out of his grasp, probably forever. He was supposed to be protecting Reid, keeping him safe. How could he have fucked up like this?

He closed his eyes and swallowed hard, fighting back the moisture that was building up in his eyes. It wasn't Reid he was upset over, though; or so he tried to convince himself. No, it was Connors and the wrath that was going to be rained down upon him over this. That was what he wanted to avoid. That was who he had failed, not Reid. He continued to lie to himself in the hopes it would change the strange emotions he was feeling.

He opened his eyes to Reid's body being loaded into the ambulance. Tamesis stepped forward, reaching a hand out, as the doors started to close. He stopped himself from moving any closer and, after a beat, stepped back into the shadows. Watching was all he was allowed to do now. There was nothing more he could do, even if he wanted to.

Something inside him ached as the one person on this planet that had ever accepted all of him was taken away. He wanted to scream, to let out the pain building up, but that just wasn't something he did. He wasn't supposed to feel pain, or heartache, or even love, for any human being. It was how he had been trained. To be a machine, without feelings to get in the way. So why then, did he feel as if he were about to crumble into a million pieces? It wasn't right. It wasn't natural. It wasn't allowed within his training.

With one last look at the fast escaping ambulance, Tamesis shook his thoughts clear and sighed. There was nothing left to do here. Now it was time to face his fate and inform his boss of what had just transpired. He knew he'd be punished, but he didn't have a choice, he _had_ to tell Connors. He would face his punishment, even if that included death, which was very likely, though whether it would be quick or slow would be another story entirely. Yes, he would not be a coward and run away from what awaited him. _'And,'_ he mused, _'if Reid dies, there will be no point in living anyway.'_

Quietly he turned his back on the scene, as the phrase 'Dead Man Walking' echoed through his head. Connors was not going to be pleased.

-0-0-0-

The world was a dark haze of nothingness. Light; he thought the stories said you were supposed to see a light when you die, but he didn't. Any faith he might have had was crushed in that moment. This wasn't the escape he had been expecting. This wasn't the warm welcome into the arms of the Holy he thought he'd get. Yes, he'd been troubled lately, but surely he had done enough good things in his life to grant his access past the pearly gates. Instead it was dark and cold. Not the burning heat he'd expect if Hell was his destination after all. So then, he could only come to one conclusion. He wasn't dead yet. He was stuck somewhere between the land of the living, and Heaven, and Hell. Limbo, for lack of a better word, until his fate was decided.

He didn't know how long it would take, so he was left with only his thoughts for company. Thoughts and an ever expanding abyss of emptiness. He lay, or maybe he was hovering, he wasn't sure, and reflected on his life. Occasionally he thought he heard something, a voice maybe, and then it was gone.

_'How could this happen to me?'_ Of course he knew the events, he knew what had gotten him here, but he wasn't sure why it was allowed to happen. _'I had my whole life still ahead of me… why was this path the one given to me?'_

It felt now, as if the abyss around him was moving rapidly. Like air rushing past his skin, but as far as he could tell he had no skin in this realm, no body even. But something was definitely happening to him, maybe back in the real world, and he was only feeling a ghost-like impression of it on this side. Something grabbed at his phantom-arm and he wanted to scream. The monsters in the dark were real! Very, very real!

_'Oh, god… how could you have let this happen to me! I don't want to be here!'_ He tried to pull away from the scaly clawed hand that was clinging to his arm, but the grip was far too strong. _'God! Help me! I can't do this…'_ Flashes of his parents came to him, and he focused on the image of his mother smiling at him as he continued his plea to a higher power, _'I was their only son. And I tried! I swear I tried!'_

He breathed a sigh of relief as the claws on him slipped away. _'Thank you… oh, thank you.'_ The image of his mother slipped away, and was replaced with Gideon's. His two father's stood side-by-side and he frowned at them both. Anger bubbling up as he looked at them. _'You, you miserable father. You ignored me for half of my life and now you decide to show up? Well it's a little late don't you think?' _He glared and then tried to force their images away from him; instead he gained a third face, Tamesis. He groaned, trying to pretend he wasn't there, _'I can't even look at you… Not yet._' He focused on his 'fathers' again, _'Why? Why did you leave?'_

He wasn't positive which of the two he was addressing, but as all three images started to fade he panicked. _'No! Wait! Don't abandon me now! Please! I don't… I don't want to die.'_ His father and Gideon continued to fade, but Tamesis became as solid as if he were standing right in front of him.

'_What could I have done differently?'_ he asked, though he knew he wouldn't get a reply. The image may have looked solid, but it was about as interactive as a cardboard cut-out. _'You never said there was anything wrong. And now, the drugs… they… give me encouragement. Why? If you cared at all, why would you let me do this to myself?'_

As expected the image didn't change at all. He wasn't going to get any of the answers he sought. _'God. Tell me I'll make it!'_ Suddenly he was desperate. With his death looming ahead of him he was scared to die. It wasn't what he wanted any more. _'Please! I'll give you my blood if that's all you need. Just… God! Don't tell me that I'm gonna die!'_

He looked back out as the image of Tamesis began to fade away. _'No! Don't! Please! Don't abandon me now… I don't want to die… alone…'_ His last thoughts were in vain as the image disappeared and he was left alone in the darkness. He wasn't sure how long he stayed there for before there was a flash of blinding light. The bright light at the end of the tunnel. Darkness behind him, and light ahead. The choice was obvious. Step into the light.

* * *

_What could I have done differently?  
You never said there was anything wrong.  
Now the drugs, they give me encouragement  
Why? Why? Why?_

Oh God, tell me I'll make it  
I'll give you my blood if that's all you need  
Just don't tell me that I'm gonna die,  
Die, die!

Don't abandon me now  
I don't want to die  
Alone...

You can lead him to the ambulance  
But you cannot make him live  
No you cannot make me live!  
You can lead him to the ambulance  
Why can't we celebrate? Lead me home!  
But you cannot make him live

-Sixx:A.M.  
[track 08]

* * *

**A/N: And here I'm sure you thought I'd tell if he lives or dies right away... pfft! Keep waiting! *evil laugh***


	45. Life Is Beautiful

**A/N: Okay, I have absolutely no excuse for how long this took. I would love to have someone to blame but I can't. It's all me. I hope you enjoy it. The song for this chapter only plays a small part... a couple of lines... but I think the lyrics as a whole fit Spencer's thoughts and emotions over this journey thus far.**

* * *

_You can't quit until you try  
You can't live until you die  
You can't learn to tell the truth  
Until you learn to lie_

_You can't breathe until you choke  
You gotta laugh when you're the joke  
There's nothing like a funeral  
To make you feel alive_

_Just open your eyes  
Just open your eyes  
And see that life is beautiful.  
Will you swear on your life,  
That no one will cry at my funeral?  
_

* * *

Chapter 45: Life Is Beautiful

The minutes and hours stretched on for days. Gideon paced the length of the hospital waiting room nervously. He'd tried sitting but it never lasted for long before he was up and pacing again. The clock on the wall all but stood still it seemed. He'd called each member of the team as soon as they'd arrived at the hospital when he'd been forced to let the doctor's work, and was escorted to the waiting room. He called Hotch first, but Garcia was the first to arrive, followed in turn by JJ, Morgan, Prentiss, and Hotch.

Minor words and greetings were said, but nothing extensive, as words couldn't convey the emotions they were feeling. Hotch apologized for being the last to arrive, with a simple statement that he'd contacted Strauss before coming in, to explain that they had found Reid, but nothing more. And then the room was once again swathed in silence, each member taking up post along a wall or in a chair.

The clock ticked loudly, second by second, until finally a doctor ever the room. All heads snapped to attention, eye's alert, trying to profile the doctor's expression. Still there was silence, until the doctor finally took a deep breath. "He's alive. We lost him once in the ambulance on the way here. We also lost him twice once he was already here, but he seems like a fighter. It'll be up to him whether or not he pulls out of this. He's stable, for now, but that may or may not hold. It'll be touch and go for a few days probably. The sooner he wakes up the sooner we'll know more. That's only if he wakes up. Best case scenario he'll be awake in a few hours… worst case…" the doctor shrugged, and let the team fill in the blanks on their own. "I'm sorry I can't give you anything more solid than that right now."

They all nodded in turn, but Garcia was the first to speak. "When can we see him?"

"He's being moved right now, once he's settled in his room, I'll make sure someone takes you to him."

With a collective sigh they nodded again, and returned to their previous positions, sitting, standing, or pacing, until they were gathered by a nurse and led down the halls to Reid's room. They looked in on the young man lying on a hospital bed, in a hospital gown that had to be 3 sizes too big. He looked better than they'd expected given the circumstances. It appeared as if he had actually put on weight since the last time they saw him; well-fed, well-groomed, he looked cared for, despite the paleness of his skin due to his recent brush with death. The relief was clear as day on all their faces. Though they knew that he wasn't out of the woods yet, just seeing him alive, if only just, was more than any of them had hoped for.

Slowly, one by one, they entered the room, and took up a spot around the bed. Hours passed in silence, visitor hours long gone; the hospital turning a blind eye to the men and women with guns. The night stretched on and on, until the sun started peeking up over the treetops. Twelve hours of worry and heartache ended when Reid's fingers twitched, and he let out a small groan.

Everyone's tired eyes snapped to attention, bright and alert. Hotch moved to signal a nurse, while Gideon leaned forward and spoke softly to Reid, his voice cracking. "Hey, Spencer. That's it… you can wake up now. It's going to be okay."

-0-0-0-

The light grew brighter and brighter the closer he got. It felt like it took years, and there were a few times the light disappeared before suddenly flashing back to life, but without warning he realized he was blinking and found the glaring white hospital ceiling above him. Gideon's face swam into view a moment later, but he couldn't yet hear anything. He just stared blankly at the face in front of him, until finally the words started to register in his head. He opened his mouth and took a deep breath, it felt good. He licked at his dry lips and tried to speak, his voice dry and rough. "Am… am I dreaming?"

Everyone smiled slightly, and Gideon shook his head. "No, son. You're not dreaming."

"And… I'm not dead?"

"No…" Gideon's voice was touched with sadness. "No, you're not dead either."

"Wow… What… What happened?" He didn't get to receive an answer before a nurse bustled in and started checking his vitals.

"How are you feeling, Spencer?" she asked, checking his chart, probably to get his name right.

"F-fine." he croaked, and licked his lips again.

She raised a brow at him, and shook her head. "I'll get some water brought in for you." She left without another word.

Reid sighed and looked around, his eyes falling on his former team leader. "H-Hotch… I…"

Hotch held up a hand and silenced Reid without saying a word. Reid turned back to Gideon and asked again, "What happened?"

"You overdosed, Spencer."

Reid sighed, "I assumed that. H-how did you…?"

"Your friend called me, after he talked to you. I got there, ambulance close behind. I think we just made it in time."

"My… friend? Tamesis? Is he? Where is he? Here?" Reid struggled to sit up but Gideon and Morgan put firm hands on him.

Gideon shook his head. "He's gone, Reid. He split after he called me."

"Gone? No… No, he can't have gone, he was there! I know he was! He can't be gone because I… I was so cruel to him. I need… I need to talk to him."

"Shhh, Reid. Settle down; don't work yourself up like that. Just relax. Don't worry about it now. We'll worry about it later. Calm down. Rest. Work on getting strong again. Okay?"

Reid nodded, "O-okay." He settled back into the pillow with a sigh. "I… I'm sorry… about… everything."

Gideon hushed him again, "Close your eyes, Spencer. Rest for now."

Again Reid nodded and slowly let his eyes slip closed. He was asleep again less than two minutes later.

-0-0-0-

Days went by without much hassle, and the hospital kept him from going into withdrawals safely, without giving him a high. Only a brief argument with the doctors had gotten Reid on edge. Had it been an accidental or purposeful overdose, they'd wanted to know. Reid was sure they had grilled Gideon on what he knew, but he wasn't sure what Gideon told them. Gideon, knowing a suicide attempt would only have garnered him a mandatory stay in the psych ward, and a full evaluation, told them it had been accidental. It was clear they didn't believe him, but they had no more proof other than his word. They spoke quietly with Gideon after that, and some sort of agreement was made.

Gideon came into the room, a blank expression on his face, and started helping Reid gather what little he had with him to go home. "I was thinking," he said, unsure of how to brace the subject, "that we should maybe take some time away, at the cabin?"

Reid considered it for a moment, "Um, when?"

"Right away. As soon as we get in the car."

The younger man looked hesitant, "I… I don't know. I don't have anything to take with me, clothes and such. And, I don't think I really want to leave, Gideon."

Gideon took him by the shoulders and looked straight into his eyes. "This is your second chance, Spencer. Don't give it up."

"I know… I know… And I've been thinking a lot. Being here, what I… what happened, and I think… I think that's about as far down to the bottom as I could go. I want to get better. I really do. I just don't think it'll help me to be away. Sure, I won't have access to drugs, but as soon as I come back, I will. I think I need to fight this battle here, because if I can do it here, then I have nothing to worry about. Does that make sense to you?"

Gideon nodded, "Yes, it does, but I don't like it, Spencer."

"I know. But, I still need to do this on my own terms. It's not going to happen overnight, I know that. I wasn't committed to it last time. This time, I think I'm ready. Do you trust me?"

There was hesitation before Gideon replied, "I used to, and I want to again. You'll have to earn it."

"I will, I promise you. Just let me stay here. I just want to go home."

"Fine, on one condition. You are never to be alone in your house; one of us will always be with you. Or we'll hire someone if we have to. Understood?"

Reid smiled a little, "Perfectly understood."

Gideon returned the smile and pulled Reid into a fatherly embrace. "It's good to have you back, son."

-0-0-0-

Reid was released shortly thereafter, and found himself standing outside his door, Gideon and Morgan by his side. "I… I don't know if I can go in there." he stated suddenly.

"What's holding you back?" Gideon asked.

"Fear, I think. Going through this door, means committing to a change. A change I want. I want my old life back. However, it also means I might loose some things along the way. Things I'm not sure if I'm prepared to loose."

Morgan raised a brow, "You mean a person, not things?"

Reid nodded slowly. "Yes, but almost dying like that… Made me so grateful to be alive and have the things I have. I realized I've been lucky. When I was out of it… I saw people that were important to me, like they were saying goodbye to me. It was like a funeral in my head, and I don't want any of you to go through that. I don't want you crying at my funeral, over a young life lost, I want you to be happy and celebrate how much I accomplished. Life is… Life is so worth living. It's beautiful, if you actually stop and take the time to look at it. However, that doesn't mean I want to loose what I gained from that other life. I destroyed a lot of myself; I know that, but… T… he helped me hold it together, gave me hope. At least, up until the end."

The two males with him stayed silent throughout his words, before nodding. Gideon was the first to speak, "Sometimes you have to let go of good things in order to get better things down the road. We'll be with you now." Reid nodded slowly. "Okay then, Spencer, open the door."

Once again, in slow motion the door was opened and Reid stepped in side. It was just as he'd left it, nothing had changed, no one had cleaned up. Reid sighed as he walked around, remembering those fateful hours before his life was changed forever. "A reminder" Gideon told him. "We won't clean this for you. You have to clean up your life on your own, we will help, but the first step is starting here. In agreement they started gathering up anything that could pose a reminder of his walk through hell. Gideon took down the tree, Morgan went out to stock up Reid's fridge, while Reid straightened his bedroom.

Reid fluffed the pillows just the way he liked them, and tidied the bedspread. He made sure that his clothes in the wardrobe were neat and orderly. That his lamp and nightlight still worked. And finally a brief sweep under the bed to check for hiding monsters. He didn't expect to find any, so when the scariest monster of all brushed against his foot he nearly yelped. He looked down at the half full, crystal clear phial lying innocently on the hardwood floor. He breathing was coming in short gasps, and he had to work hard to regain control.

Slowly he reached down and picked it up, coaching himself. _You're stronger than this. You're stronger than this. This has no power over you._ It was cool to the touch as it always was, so sweet, so tempting. Reid shook his head, no. He was not going to cave in. Not this time. He opened up the bottom drawer on his bedside table, and then looked at the phial in his hand. "A reminder," he said softly, "of how far I've come, and how far I have yet to go." Without another word he placed it in the drawer, and shut it, pushing the phial from his mind, and forgetting about it entirely mere hours later.

-0-0-0-

Days passed, weeks, friends visited, it was like old times. On New Years they gathered in his small apartment, rearranged the furniture, Gideon brought over a tiny TV with two huge antennas resting on the top, and an old VCR, and they watched old black and white movies together until dawn.

It was on a gathering such as this, about a week later when Reid became quiet and pensive. With a sigh he looked up at Hotch, "Sir," he wasn't sure why he was starting with such a formal greeting, but it seemed to fit, "do you think… I mean… is there any chance I could ever get my job back? That is, if I haven't been replaced already." He swallowed hard and looked down, afraid of the answer.

Hotch gifted him with a rare smile, that unfortunately went unseen. "I was wondering when you'd ask me that." He paused, then said, "Reid, you still have your job."

Reid looked up with a frown, "But, I resigned."

"You tried to. I pulled some strings, and got your previous psych exam, after your abduction, to be reevaluated. It was determined that you've been suffering from severe PTSD and that your resignation letter was not made while in your right mind, and could be disregarded."

Reid blinked, "Are you serious? That's… wow… That's great!"

Hotch held up a hand to silence him, "I still want you fully rested and recuperated before you return, and you will not be out in the field with us for a few months yet. You'll be on strict desk work only."

Reid beamed, "I'll take it!"

Hotch nodded, "Good, I will let you know when I think you're ready. This is not something you will judge for yourself, because I don't want you coming back too soon. Understood?"

"Of course!" Reid nodded. They all shared happy glances and smiles, and settled back down to watch the movie.

_

* * *

_

_I know some things that you don't  
I've done things that you won't  
There's nothing like a trail of blood  
To find your way back home_

_I was waiting for my hearse  
What came next was so much worse  
It took a funeral to make me feel alive_

_Just open your eyes  
Just open your eyes  
And see that life is beautiful.  
Will you swear on your life,  
That no one will cry at my funeral?_

_Alive...  
Just open your eyes  
Just open your eyes  
And see that life is beautiful.  
Will you swear on your life,  
That no one will cry at my funeral?_

_Just open your eyes  
Just open your eyes  
And see that life is beautiful.  
Will you swear on your life,  
That no one will cry at my funeral?_


	46. The Art Of Deception

**A/N: Another chapter... Still slow going I know, but once again thanks for all the support and sticking with it. I think I'm finally getting my mojo back!! Woohoo! What my mojo is exactly I don't know, but I like the word. ENJOY!**

* * *

_"Oh what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice to deceive"_  
- Sir Walter Scott

* * *

Chapter 46: The Art of Deception

The ease of slipping into his old life came crashing down around Reid one Wednesday morning. It started small, the odd muscle ache, and upset stomach, before growing into a very overpowering need to be violently ill. He jumped up from bed and was down the hall and into the washroom, before Morgan, who has been sleeping on the couch, could even register what had happened.

"Are you alright, kid?" He called through the bathroom door.

"I… I think so." Reid replied. "Just… sick."

"Do you think it's the flu?"

"No."

"Well…" Morgan paused with a frown, "you're not withdrawing are you? I thought we were past that."

Through the door, Reid sighed, "I thought we were too… but this feels just like that."

"It's been like, two weeks, isn't that impossible?"

"I don't know, Morgan, but can you please shut up. I'm getting a headache." Realizing how snappy he sounded a quick, "sorry" was added.

"Okay, kid, I'll be right here if you need anything. And Gideon should be here in half an hour."

Reid conserved his energy and chose not to reply, leaving Morgan standing in the hall, confused and concerned. Gideon arrived at exactly 10am, relieving Morgan of his duties after a small briefing of what was going on. He knocked on the bathroom door softly, "Spencer, how're you feeling?"

"Like hell." Reid replied. "But I'm glad you're here."

"Is the door locked?" Gideon asked.

"No."

"May I come in?"

A sigh, "Sure."

The door slowly opened and Gideon entered, carefully kneeling down in front of Reid. He brushed a sweaty lock of hair off Reid's forehead, "Can I get you anything?"

Reid looked at him, raising a brow slowly before shaking his head, "Nothing that I can have."

Gideon frowned, "Craving?"

Nodding slowly, Reid replied, "Yeah, but it's okay. I'll make it. I don't have anything anyway. And even if I did, I don't have any clean needles, so I'd be out of luck either way."

"Yeah, we still need to take your used sharps back to the clinic though. It'll be the final step of getting it out of your home."

"I know. I just haven't stepped through that door since I got back. I'd ask one of you to do it for me, but I know it's something I have to do for myself. I'm just not ready yet. I mean, I'm ready to get rid of it, I'm just not ready to be that exposed. Alexander Connors – I don't know if he knows I'm alive or not, but if he does, he won't stand by and let me exist. He'll either take me, and drug me again, or kill me. Either way, I'm not strong enough to fight back, not yet." Reid looked into Gideon's eyes, and saw the understanding in them, and before he could stop himself more words were flowing from him. "You know, he had me work for him for a while? I ran out of drugs, and I had no way to pay him, so he had me work for him to get my fix. And I did it! I didn't question him, I did what I was told to do. For the most part anyway. I never gave him anything useful, but that's not the point, Gideon. I helped a criminal just to get high!" He closed his eyes, and swallowed, before drawing his knees up to his chest and resting his forehead on them, just trying to breathe and relax.

"It's okay, Spencer. You weren't yourself. And if I understand this man correctly, he wouldn't have given you a choice. You had a place to stay, food to eat, your friend there for company. He'd have taken that all away wouldn't he?"

Reid nodded as much as his knees would allow his head to move. They stayed silent for several minutes before Gideon stood, and held a hand down for Reid to take and help himself up. "Come on Spencer, let me make you something to eat before I have to go. The nurse should be here soon."

"My nurse has a name, you know." Reid smiled. "It's Kelli, and she's not really a nurse. I mean she is, professionally, but with me she's more of a… babysitter. You know I'd never had a babysitter in my life, before now. Someone always had the time to be home, my parents or other family members, until I was like, five, and they realized I could easily fend for myself. Then my mom started getting worse again, her meds stopped doing their job, and by the time we found new meds for her, she stopped wanting to take them. I had aunts and uncles, you know, but the ones on mom's side didn't want anything to do with her when she was like that, so they disappeared. The ones on dad's side tried to still drop by until it got to be too much for him and he left, so there was no point in them coming over anymore. I started taking care of myself completely, at age five… I started being a parent to my own mother when I was ten. And NOW I get stuck with a babysitter?"

Gideon raised a brow at the slight anger underlining the words, as he started to fry up some eggs. "She's not a babysitter, Spencer. Try to think of her as a sober companion. Someone you can spend time with and keep your mind off the drugs."

"Wonderful, except sober companions are supposed to be people who have fought addiction themselves, like a sponsor for someone who doesn't do meetings. They're supposed to be someone who can understand, because they've been there. I don't have anyone like that." Reid was slightly glaring.

"Then maybe you should think about going to meetings, finding a group for yourself?"

Reid shook his head, "I can't do that. If it got out? I'd loose everything that I want to get back."

Gideon offered a smile, "They're anonymous for a reason, Spencer."

"That's not the point, Gideon! I just… can't. I can't. Not today, not tomorrow… maybe not ever."

"But you could tell me the statistic on your chances of recovery if you don't." It was a statement not a question.

Reid sighed, "Yeah, most people who go to meetings and do a program are three-times more likely to maintain consistent sobriety three years later, than those who don't. But I'm not most people. And that doesn't tell you that of the people who take part in meetings, only about 10 percent of them make it through. So only 10 percent of people will be three-times more likely. There's no point."

Gideon continued to cook, making hash-browns and sausages to go with the eggs. "I'm not going to argue with you Spencer, but I don't agree. I just hope you'll change your mind in the future."

Reid sighed again and leaned against the fridge, crossing his arms. He looked down at them, almost as if looking through the fabric of his pajama top. There were still marks and scars. Scars that would probably always be there, but for the most part they were healed. Just a reminder of what he went through. A reminder of where he is now. It was silent until Gideon served up the food on a plate. Reid took it, and some cutlery, mumbling, "Thank you." He then took his usual seat and began to eat in silence, forcing food into his empty upset stomach.

The door buzzer sounded at 10:45, and Gideon stood to buzz the nurse up, abiding by the rule, and checking to make sure it was her first. He waited by the door and opened it when he arrived, whispering to her. Presumably about how Reid had been that morning. Gideon then came back into the living room to say goodbye, before heading off to work.

Kelli said her own goodbyes to Gideon at the door and then made her way slowly down the hall. She got there just as Reid put his plate down on the table in front of him. "So, rough morning, huh?" she questioned.

Reid glanced at her, "Yep… and it's only going to get worse." He watched the small nervous look flicker over Kelli's face. "Have you ever dealt with an addict going through withdrawals?" he asked.

She shook her head slowly, "No, but that's not a problem. I know what my job is, Spencer. And I know you. You don't have a violent bone in your body." She sat down on the couch opposite him.

"I've said horrible things you know, to the people closest to me, to the people I loved… love. No offence, Kelli, but if I wanted to, I wouldn't have a problem being horrible towards you."

She smiled slightly, "If that's the case, we should find something to occupy your time. Have you ever considered starting a diary? If you have a book, we could do your first entry today, together, and then you can do them before you go to sleep, and we can discuss them the next day. You just have to write how you feel, if things were particularly hard that day, and why. It's something I've found effective for people in long term care, just to give them something to do with their hands and their mind. In your case I would also suggest writing when you feel a craving. It'll give you something to do until it passes, and I don't know if you feel any guilt when you have cravings, but if so, it might alleviate some of that too."

Reid thought for a moment and then nodded slowly, "I think I might have one actually, I think it even has a lock." He stood slowly, "I'll go look for it." With a small smile at Kelli he stepped away, off to his room, to begin rummaging through what little storage space he had.

Fate took another turn for him when he opened the bottom drawer of his bedside table and froze at the sight of a small, clear, cool-to-the-touch, phial. He swallowed hard as he picked it up, and whispered to himself, "oh crap." His brain started spinning faster than he could keep up with it. He remembered putting it in there now. It was right on top of the little diary, but that was no longer his focus. It was a reminder of what he had fought, what he had gone through, just like the marks on his arms. He lifted up one sleeve and sighed. They were both supposed to deter him from using again, but now that he had it in his hands, the marks on his arms didn't seem so bad. In fact they seemed to be emitting phantom pain, of the pleasurable sort. The soft prick of the needle, and the rush of drugs in his blood. That feeling that he'd been craving all morning just to make the pain in his guts go away. He tried in vain to think of his team, his friends, but after one failed attempt, the drugs came back to the forefront. Like a nagging voice he couldn't get rid of, _'Use me. Use me, you know you want me. Take me inside of you. Love me, and I'll love you like no one else ever has.'_ On and on it continued, till Reid was ready to scream. He swallowed, biting it down, his own thoughts counteracting the voice of the drug. _'I want to, but I don't have any clean needles.'_ This gave his pause as one word stood out to him, 'clean'. Sure he didn't have any clean rigs, but they could be cleaned and reused as least once. He looked over his shoulder to the top shelf of his closet where the sharps container sat, and it called to him too. There was only one problem. Kelli. He'd have to get rid of her somehow.

Reid stood, setting the phial next to the lamp. "I'll be back." he whispered to it. He turned and headed back out, finding Kelli in the kitchen. "You need to leave." It was blunt, and completely ineffective.

"Excuse me?" Kelli replied, "You know I can't leave."

Reid shook his head and tried again, "I mean, I'd like it if you could go to the store and get me some things. We could go together but…" he glanced out the window.

"You still haven't been outside, I understand, but I'm not supposed to leave."

"Please, Kelli. It'll only take a half hour tops. I just need some milk, some more eggs, and coffee. Oh and a lottery ticket."

Kelli laughed, "Why the lottery ticket?"

Reid smirked, thinking, _'because if you go, it's my lucky day.'_ Instead he shrugged, "I'm just feel lucky."

She sighed, thinking it through, "Alright. Just this once, but if you win anything, I get half, and we don't tell Jason, or I'll loose this job."

Grinning Reid replied, "Wouldn't dream of it."

"So, you have to promise me you'll be good."

A nod, "Scout's honour." Reid replied.

"Okay, a half hour, no later. Maybe I'll be back sooner." She gathered her keys and walked towards the door. "I trust you, Spencer."

Reid nodded and waited for her to leave before muttering, "Never trust an addict." A beat later and he was in junkie mode, frantic. He dashed to the closet to grab the sharps box, and then back to the kitchen, turning on the cod water tap, and then taking a bottle of bleach out from under the sink. Next he found a suitable Tupperware container to store the clean rigs in, which he would hide behind the sharps box in the closet. He lay out 3 small containers, two he filled with water, and one with bleach. Next he started the process of thoroughly cleaning each set; fill syringe with water, shake for 30 seconds, expel contents, dump out container #1 and refill with water, repeat 2 more times. Next, fill syringe with bleach, shake for 30, expel, and repeat 2 more times. Finally fill syringe with water from container #3 to rinse out bleach, shake, expel, clean water, repeat. He did this for each syringe he had, and was on the last 30 seconds of rinsing when the door buzzer beckoned for his attention. He ignored it, and worked on cleaning the syringe and putting it in the Tupperware container. The buzzer rang again, and this time he went over to it, calling down, "Wh-who is it?"

"Kelli, of course."

"Right, sorry, buzzing you up." He pressed the button and then scrambled back to the kitchen, putting away the bleach quickly, and then dashing to his bedroom with both containers, hiding the clean needles behind the sharps box just before Kelli got to the door. She knocked, and he took a moment to calm himself before answering it. "Hi."

She smiled, "Hi, Spencer. I got everything you want here." She held up a grocery bag. "I'll put it away." she said, walking down the hall, and into the kitchen. "Did you find that diary?"

"Oh… Oh yeah, I did." He replied.

"Why don't you get it and we can do your first entry?"

Reid shook his head, "Maybe later, I'm still not feeling well, so I think I'd like to lie down. If that's okay."

Kelli nodded, "Sure, that's fine. I'll be here if you need anything."

Reid gave her a small nod, and turned on his heel back towards his room, closing the door behind him. His first stop was to grab a clean rig, and then to the bed where he sat with the lamp on and held the syringe and phial, one in each hand. It was too good to be true, he could swear he was dreaming this all, and he'd wake up without the pain of withdrawals haunting him. He debated pinching himself, but then, if this was a dream he'd wake up, and it would end. If he pricked himself with the needle it would cause the same effect, but at least he could experience the sensation again, if only in a dream.

Carefully he loaded the syringe, keeping the dose low to get used to it, and searched for a vein. He tapped at his skin to get one to come to the surface, and once spotted he placed the needle down, and bit down on his tongue. On three he inserted it, checked that he was safely in a vein, and punched the drug into his system.

Bliss. Pure bliss. Heavenly. Glorious. Better than any word imaginable. Reid felt _good_. A different sort of good than he had been feeling. This was a sense of completion. Of becoming whole again. Finding your soul mate. This was life itself tucked up in a bottle, and transferred to his blood. Perfection.

The world slipped away from Reid and the drug induced haze took over, leaving him open and exposed, but completely uncaring. He only just barely felt himself slip sidewise onto the pillows, too busy watching the lights dance before his eyes, and the hot and cold tingles rushing through his body.

-0-0-0-

That night his first diary entry read:

_Dear diary,_

__

I used today. The first time in weeks. And it was good. No one suspected a thing. The only thing out of place is the strong smell of bleach in the kitchen. They trust me, and they shouldn't. I hate that I'm breaking that trust again. But trust is so much easier to break, than breaking a habit. I still want to be clean, but I'm no longer sure it's possible. That I have the strength. I guess only time will tell.

Hmm, I guess Kelli was right. This does alleviate some guilt.

_Spencer._

He tore the page from the book, and tucked it into a drawer next to the bed. He touched the lamp, plunging himself into familiar darkness, the only place he could stand it. And with a sigh, tried to sleep.

* * *

_ Thou trustest in the staff of this broken reed.  
- Bible_

* * *

**A/N2: That final quote there is for Gideon.... LOL He trusted where he shouldn't have trust.**


	47. Knowing

**A/N: Special thanks to my evil twin... :D I couldn't have done this chapter without talking it out first. Much love!**

* * *

Chapter 47: Knowing

They knew. At first they just suspected, from the day they brought him home, that he could still be using. However, they carried on as normal, waiting for proof, for a sign of his deceit. That suspicion was washed away as his withdrawals set in. Maybe he hadn't found it? The phial they'd left in his room as a test. They assumed he'd found it when he'd cleaned, and hid it from them. With the withdrawals they wondered if it was still where they left it.

Morgan had looked, but it wasn't there. So he'd found it, but hadn't used it? Thrown it out without saying anything? That was the working theory until the day after the first withdrawals when they suddenly stopped. Now they knew he had it, and was using it. It was hard to be sure at first, but as one day slipped into the next, and then again another day passed, it became crystal clear. Reid was using again.

He made no effort to even hide it, like he wanted to get caught. The behaviour was slowly changing, and then there were the noticeable track-marks which weren't being covered by long sleeves. He was slipping away again, and they needed to stop it. Plans were made for everyone to meet at Reid's apartment after work, they'd let Kelli leave, she didn't need to bare witness to this, and it should be between family only.

They all sat or stood in the living room, Reid in his chair cast them nervous glances. The silence getting to him, the ticking clock just a little too loud. "What… What's this all about?" He asked finally.

No one replied right away, letting him stew for a moment until Gideon took pity on him. "You know, Spencer. We _know_."

"Know what?" Reid asked. He was either completely clueless or doing a real good job of pretending he was.

Gideon motioned to Reid's arm, "The drugs, Spencer. We know you're using."

"Oh." A simple, honest, reply. No argument. A few seconds ticked by before Reid spoke again. "How? I mean, how'd you know? How did you know I even had any."

Morgan decided it was his turn to speak now. "Because, Reid. You didn't even attempt to hide it from us this time. And the drugs you found, we put them there, to test you, man. I thought you'd throw them out, but obviously you didn't."

A part of Reid wanted to apologise, another part was furious. That side won. "You did what?!" He stood. "I can't believe you wouldn't just trust me! It's your damn fault I'm using now! If it hadn't have been in here I could have fought it! But no, you had to have some in my home, taunting me, tempting me, calling me. I'm not as strong as you are! I couldn't resist it when it was right in front of me, and now you expect what? An apology? You want me to just give it up again, so we can all be one big happy fricken family again? Well, it's not going to happen. It's clearly not meant to be." He looked to Hotch. "Don't get me wrong, I love my job. I do. But if you want me to choose between my drugs, and working with a bunch of backstabbing, deceitful, people, with holier-than-thou attitudes, thinking they know everything, and try to control people, then I hate to disappoint, but I'm choosing my drugs. They've never let me down."

"They almost got you killed!" JJ piped up.

"Yeah, and I wish they had! I wouldn't be here dealing with you people trying to ruing my life if I didn't have one anymore. And none of this would have happened if you had just kept your nose out of my business in the first place, JJ! Everything could be like it was! This, all this, is your fault." He pointed an accusing finger at her.

"Reid, sugar, please…" Garcia spoke slowly, trying to calm him.

"Garcia," he replied, "don't. I know you mean well, but I can't hear it right now." He swallowed and sighed. "I'd like it if everyone left, please. I need some space."

No one moved. Reid was about to open his mouth again when Garcia stepped forward. "Alright. I'll go. I'd like to still visit though, if that's alright with you?"

Reid nodded, "Yeah, of course." He looked at the group, "You can all visit if you want. But please ask first. The truth is, you are the closest thing to family I have, but I can't deal with you trying to change me anymore. If you'll accept me like this, then you're welcome to visit any time." He blinked a few times. "I just refuse to be treated like some kind of dog anymore."

There were small nods from the group, and then they each sighed before saying goodbye and showing themselves to the door.

Reid sat in the silence that followed and felt waves of guilt pour over him. He'd been a bit harsh, he knew it, but he also knew that every word was true. He wondered for a moment if he should call them back, but dismissed the idea. That would only make it look like he was sorry, and he wasn't. Not really. Sorry for how the words came out, but not sorry about the words themselves. He knew, logically, that this probably wasn't the best course of action, but it was what he wanted to do. Thinking about the future never did him any good, not anymore. For now he would just thinking about the present and living without boundaries.

He was surprised at how fast life could change. One day he was a recovering addict, and the next he was back on the drugs. He sighed again, contemplating what he should do. Living with an addiction did involve _some_ amount of planning ahead, so he needed to stock up so he wouldn't be caught without his next dose. That would require making a phone call. A call he did not want to make.

The detest he felt for Alexander Connors only increased during his sober period. He'd had a lot of time to think about the man, the way he treated people like animals. Demanded respect without giving any in return. The chemicals and compounds he was trying to combine, that would surely not bring any good into the world. The man, the monster, that made him do things he'd never forget, and always regret. No he definitely didn't want to call him, but if this was the path he was going to follow he had no choice. Maybe, just maybe, he could get some good news out of it.

He picked up his phone and pressed the speed dial number. This call would be easier to make if he wasn't afraid Connors wanted him dead, but it was possible he could mend the fences. It rang and was answer with silence. Reid sighed, hating this, hating himself. "It's me. And before you ask me to be specific – You know damn well who it is."

An audible smirk, "I thought you were dead."

Reid frowned, "You did?"

"That's what I was told. I assume, now, that I was lied to."

"I did die. Technically."

"So now you're crawling back to me, begging me for what you need? What took you so long?"

"None of your business." Reid snapped.

"Now, let's not be that way. We're gentlemen, act like it."

"I just wanted to tell you, that I'll eventually need more. But I'm changing the rules. I will not meet with anyone. I expect it to be delivered, left outside my door, for me to get once they leave. I will not have contact with anyone of your employees, unless it's Tamesis."

"Well, I will agree to those terms, on the condition you're willing to pay extra for home delivery charges?"

Reid growled slightly, "Fine, whatever."

"Good to hear." Connors smirked again. "As for your friend Tamesis," saying the name as if it were foul, "I'm sorry to tell you you'll never have contact with him again. He didn't do his duty, he let you slip away, and as remorseful as he was, I had to take care of it. I do not accept anything less than perfect."

Reid's heart thumped wildly at the words, his stomach flipping, "Is he... Did you kill him?"

Ignoring the question, "When would you like your delivery?"

"What did you do to him!?"

A pause, silence, then a firm tone. "Do. NOT. Yell at me, Doctor. I didn't do anything he didn't deserve. Now, your delivery?"

Reid swallowed, taking a few breaths to calm down, still unsure what that answer means. Could Tamesis really be dead? Were the last things he ever got to say to him in anger? He swallowed again, "A few days, I suppose."

"Well, I will let you know the time of the delivery on that date. Goodbye, Doctor."

Reid held the phone in his hands for several minutes before putting it down. As if he wasn't already stressed, now he had to worry about what the fate had been for the one person who had stood by him through all of this. Connors would kill T for his mistake, Reid knew that. He could only hope that some bone in Connors body was feeling compassionate that day. Then again, there were fates worse than death.

He sighed, wondering what he should do with his time now. He glanced at his bookshelves, wondering if there was anything there he hadn't read in a while. He laughed shortly, realising that it would only take up ten minutes of his time to read whatever he picked out. He didn't own a TV, so there were very limited options with how to spend his time. He could read, or sleep, or get high. He sighed again. Joy.

He made his way to the bedroom, and sat on the edge of the bed. Glancing between the drawer, and his pillow, he frowned. Sleep. Sleep first, he didn't need his drugs right now. Maybe in a few hours, he'd get up and eat and then have a small dose.

Laying down on top of the covers he folded his arms behind his head, and stared at the ceiling. A million thoughts and theories in his head, about a thousand different topics. None of them staying long enough to develop anything on them. He rolled onto his side, looking at the wall now. Sleep. Come on, sleep. It took him a moment to realise that closing his eyes would probably be beneficial to his cause. He did so, and soon sleep came to him. Calling him down into a state of calm, where nothing could harm him. Nothing would cause him stress. Nothing except the knowledge that he might be making the worst mistake since he'd started using.


	48. Pray For Me

_She lights a candle, but she doesn't know why.  
She wants to save me, but I'm barely alive.  
My soul is thirsty. I just wanna get high and,  
Make her go away._

__

Now I'm hitting the wall and she begs me to quit,  
And she drags me to church but I'm scared to commit,  
And I'm loosing my mind 'cause she hides all my shit.  
She wont go away.

_And all I ask of her is  
Pray for me,  
'Cause I don't want to  
Pray for me,  
If you love me.  
Cross your heart and hope that I wont die before the best day of my life.  
Just pray for me tonight_

* * *

Chapter 48: Pray For Me

Days turned into weeks, and weeks into months. The tension between Reid and the team varied from day to day, event to event. Reid allowed them in his home, under the condition they never mentioned his indiscretions and pretended like nothing was wrong. Garcia was particularly good at this, mothering him, but never making him feel as if he were less than human.

Each of them, though, could see him slowly slipping away from them day after day. The nearly healthy image they had had of him just months previous was being replaced by sunken cheeks, and sallow skin, that appeared eerily transparent in some places.

They all wanted to help him, but none knew how to go about it without upsetting him. Garcia brought him groceries and coffee, which either spoiled in the fridge or went untouched on the counter. Hotch buried himself deeper into his work, as if a solution to Reid's problem would be found there. Gideon became lost in his own inner turmoil, reworking every situation and event that had got them to this point, trying to find out where he went wrong; and coming to realize that there wasn't one specific event that had stolen Reid from them, but an unforeseen series of events. Prentiss tried to pretend as if none of this had happened, and that the empty desk at work had always been like that. Morgan has taken to visiting once a week to transfer money as Reid usually did, to pay for his bills and keep his house heated. JJ had to continually remind herself not to put a file on Reid's desk at work, and had started attending Sunday mass at a local church. She found the ministers helpful and forgiving, which alleviated some of her guilt over the situation.

Every Sunday she'd light a candle for Reid and pray for him to get better. It seemed as if it was the only thing she could do. And every Sunday she would stop my his apartment and invite him to church with her. And every Sunday he turned down the offer.

_'This Sunday, this Sunday will be different.'_ she told herself silently as she pulled up outside his building. She stood near the doors and waited for a family she knew to exit the building, 7am like clockwork, so that she could sneak through the doors behind them and up to his apartment. She knocked on the door loudly numerous times before it opened, revealing a tired and sick looking Reid, complete with bed-head.

"JJ? Are you early?"

"Um, no... It's seven."

"Oh... sorry." he replied, then let the air between them grow silent.

"So, are you going to come with me today?" she finally broke through the silent barrier "I hear the sermon is going to be really inspiring"

"I... I don't know, JJ. I'm not really dressed for it." It was a lame excuse but he used it anyway.

"So, get dressed, run a brush through those long locks of yours, and we can go."

"JJ, please... I... I haven't... I mean, I need my... stuff, you know..." He averted his eyes from hers.

"Can it wait?"

"Definitely not, unless you want me interrupting your pastor, by screaming in pain. I need it sooner, not later."

JJ paused, and licked her lips for a moment in thought before checking her watch. "How long will it take?" Reid shrugged. "Well, we've got about half an hour. I can wait."

He sighed deeply, then replied, "Fine. I'll go. Just, let me take are of this, and get ready." He stood aside and let her in, letting her find her way to the living room while he locked himself behind his bedroom door.

*-*-*-*

By the end of that day Reid had found himself the unwilling owner of a new Bible. "You know," he remarked, "I already have this thing memorized, and there's nothing in here that's of any use to me."

"Keep it anyway." JJ had replied with a smile. They sat in his living room, sipping some tea, the relative silence uncomfortable for both of them.

"Um, JJ? I don't want to force you out or anything, but I need to, ah, take care of things, again."

She nodded slowly, "I can see myself out, as soon as I finish my tea, okay?"

"Alright, I suppose that's okay. See you next week then?"

"Yeah, I'll be here." She watched him stand up and disappear down the hall. Minutes ticked by and she sat alone, finally getting up with a sigh. Her footsteps were soft as she walked down the hall, pausing outside Reid's bedroom door. She hesitated a moment before opening the door.

The sight made her feel ill. Reid was passed out on his bed, covers tossed around the room. Syringe and half empty phial on the floor. She cringed, stepping closer. "Oh my... Spence... How can you do this to yourself?" With a sigh she carefully picked up the syringe and found the sharps box to put it in. She paused, and then took charge, scooping up the used phial from the floor, and then pulling open drawers to find more. She searched under the bed and in the wardrobe; every inch of the room was scoured and searched. She came away with a handful of phials, all in various degrees of use.

With a deep breath she left the room, and the apartment. On her way down the hall the stopped at the trash shoot, and let the phials fall away into oblivion. She chewed her lip nervously, for a moment, glancing back down the hall before continuing on her way. Hoping that was the right thing to do

-0-0-0-

The following morning Reid awoke with slight pangs in his stomach. He glanced over at the clock, and cringed when he realized he'd been out for almost 12 hours. Slowly he sat up, and looked at the floor. A small frown crossed his face, knowing he'd dropped the phial and syringe there the night before. He slid off the bed with a small thump, and looked under it, thinking maybe they'd rolled. Nothing there. As his consciousness became more alert he noticed that things weren't quite as he left them. The drawers on his nightstand had been pulled open, so he crawled towards it, glancing inside. They were empty.

"No... No no no no no!" He licked his lips, frantic, beginning to scramble around the room searching for any phial that might still be there. He found nothing.

Snatching up his phone he dialed JJ's number. When she answered, he didn't complete the typical pleasantries. "What did you do! Where are they!?"

"What are you talking about?" JJ asked, feigning innocence.

"You know! Damn it, JJ! Answer me!"

"You're killing yourself Spence! I had to do something. They're gone, okay. Don't ask me where."

Reid was seething with anger. When he spoke, his tone was level and cold, so very unlike his former self. "You. Bitch. How could you?" He took a breath. "They're the only things keeping me alive! You're clearly the one trying to kill me!"

"Spence..." JJ's voice quavered with unshed tears at the name calling. "You don't mean that."

"Whatever, JJ. Screw you." He hung up the phone and was immediately dialing again, this time to Alexander Connors. He placed another order to be delivered ASAP. Then he took up pacing until it arrived, trying to hold back the shakes that were threatening to envelop him.

-0-0-0-

He avoided everyone for the remainder of the week, that he lost track of what day it was until he was woken up by a knock on his door. He slowly padded towards it, opening it without looking. As JJ came into view, he glared. "What are you doing here?"

"It's Sunday, and you promised last week you'd come again." She replied.

"Yeah, that was before you stole from me. Stealing kind of makes previous plans null and void. You should have thought of that." He started to close the door on her, but she shot out a hand to push it open, and there wasn't much he could do to stop her; he just wasn't strong enough anymore.

"That was for your own good." She stepped inside ignoring his silent protest in the form of a glare. "Now get dressed, and lets go."

"No." He stated simply.

"Spence, please." She reached for his arm, and he pulled away. "Don't be like that. Come to church with me, please."

"You're a fool, JJ. To think I'd want anything to do with you. I want you out of here, now."

"Spencer..." She trailed off, unsure of what to say to convince him to see things her way.

"Jeniffer..." He echoed her, his tone mocking.

She sighed, shaking her head slightly. "You can't keep going on like this. You're going to die!"

"We all die, don't we? Some just die sooner than others."

"Reid, I want to help you."

"Then you can go to church, and pray for me. Pray for my soul to be saved. If there's a God maybe he'll answer you, and I'll be cured!" He rolled his eyes.

For a second time she reached for his arm, and again he pulled away. "Reid! Please, I'm begging you. Come to church with me."

Reid's anger boiled over and he slammed his fist into the wall, doing more damage to himself than the wall. He shook the pain out of his hand with a sharp curse.

"Are you okay?" JJ asked, tentatively reaching out to take his hand and inspect it.

"I'm fine!" He barked. "Just leave me the hell alone! I told you what you can do to help me. You can go run along and pray for me, because I'm not going. And when nothing changes, you'll see that your faith in a higher power is completely useless. There is no God JJ. If there was, this never would have happened in the first place. Now leave, and don't come back."

JJ swallowed, blinking back some moisture in her eyes. "Okay... I'll go. I'm sorry you feel that way. This isn't over though, Spence. I won't give up on you."

He didn't dignify her with a response, he simply pointed to the door, and watched as she let herself out. With his hand still pulsing slightly he retreated to his room to take his first dose of the day.

* * *

_I dragged myself out of the bed that she made,  
And I escape her in a black motercade  
She's pushing bibles and a clear bill of health.  
I can't make her go away._

_Now I'm hitting the wall and she begs me to quit,  
And she drags me to church but I'm scared to commit,  
And I'm loosing my mind 'cause she hides all my shit.  
And all I ask of her is  
Pray for me,  
I don't want to  
Pray for me,  
If you love me.  
Cross your heart and hope that I don't die before the best day of my life.  
(Pray for me tonight)  
Pray for me  
(Pray for me tonight)  
Pray for me  
(Pray for me tonight)  
Pray for me  
(Pray for me tonight)  
Pray for me  
(Pray for me to- )  
_  
_**Pray For Me  
**_**_-Sixx:A.M._  
**


	49. Girl With Golden Eyes

_She speaks to me in Persian  
Tells me that she loves me  
The girl with golden eyes  
And though I hardly know her  
I let her in my veins  
And trust her with my life_

__

I wish I had never kissed her  
'Cause I just can't resist her  
The girl with golden eyes  
Every time she whispers  
'Take me in your arms  
The way you did last night.'

Everything will be okay  
Everything will be alright  
If I can get away from her  
And save my worthless life.

_I wake up every morning  
Jonesing for her love  
The girl with golden eyes  
I won't have to wait long  
'Til she buries me with roses  
'Cause she's always by my side_

* * *

Chapter 49: Girl with Golden Eyes

Reid was alone in his room when his phone rang. He looked at the display; Gideon, great, just what he needed. He debated not answering, but then he knew Gideon would just come over to check on him. With a sigh he hit the green send key, and lifted it to his ear. "Hello?"

"Spencer, how are you?" Gideon asked. He'd stopped asking 'are you okay?' a long time ago, either he knew the typical 'I'm fine' reply was a lie, or he no longer saw the point .

Reid shrugged, "I'm... the same as always, I guess."

"I spoke to JJ." he said simply.

"Oh... and what did she have to say?"

"That she messed up, and she's sorry. And she hopes you can forgive her."

There was a snort-like laugh that sounded from Reid's end of the line. "Right, well she can keep dreaming. You don't steal from someone you consider a friend! Even if she meant well, it's still stealing."

"I know that. I just wanted to make sure you were handling it safely."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Gideon sighed, "It means, I worry about you, and I don't want you overdosing out of anger at her."

"I'm not an idiot, Gideon. I wouldn't do that."

Gideon raised an eyebrow to himself. "You've done it before, Spencer. Do I have to remind you of Christmas?"

"That was different."

"How? Tell me how that was different?"

Reid was glaring, even though Gideon couldn't see it. "Because, Gideon. I thought I knew T. I thought we were going to.. I don't know... save each other. He supported me, I supported him. We were in it together. And then he... he shut me out, and hurt himself. It was a shock, and I didn't know how to deal with it. This, what JJ did, doesn't surprise me. I've always known she thinks her way is the right way. So I knew she'd try something eventually. It's completely different." Reid sighed, and there was a beat of silence before he spoke again. "Why did you have to bring up T?"

"I didn't, Spencer, you did."

"Oh..." His voice was soft, almost sad.

"Have you heard from him?"

"No. Connors won't even tell me if he's alive or dead. He likes to torment me, that way. I just, know he's gone, and one way or the other I won't get to talk to him ever again. I'll never be able to tell him I'm sorry."

"Do you think Connors would have really killed him? From what I've heard he was one of Connors favourites, right? Would Connors really get rid of an asset like that?"

Reid shrugged to himself, "Connors will do whatever he has to to protect his business. His people mean nothing to him in the long run. So, yes, he would, if T has messed up enough. And he did mess up, he let me go when he wasn't supposed to. And T had told Connors I died, if Connors believed it and acted on that before I had called him..." Reid trailed off.

"I'm sorry. I hope he's alright. He took care of you, so we owe him for that."

Reid laughed again, "Don't let Morgan hear you say that. I think he's made it quite clear he doesn't like T at all."

"That's just because he's protective if you. He didn't want to accept that someone else was taking better care of you than we could."

"I don't think that's all it, but whatever."

There were a few moments of silence, where they listened to each other breathe until Gideon spoke again. "So, you're okay then? Should I let you go?"

"Yes to both points. I'll be alright, I promise."

"Okay, I'll call you again soon, Spencer. Take care of yourself, please."

"I'll do what I can. Bye Gideon." Reid hung up the phone before he got a reply and sighed. On his side table was a syringe, full and ready to go. The light from the lamp was giving it almost a golden tinge. He sighed again, setting his phone down next to it.

He could see it; the train barreling down on him, but he was tied to the tracks and could do nothing to fight it. He was loosing himself, loosing his family, loosing everything. His hands were tied. Tied to that phial and syringe. They controlled him, ever inch of him, and he knew it.

The truth was he trusted the drugs more than he trusted the people in his life. He hadn't known the drugs for that long, at least in comparison, and yet they were what he turned to when he needed anything. Love, happiness, comfort. The drugs gave it all to him, and more. Pain, torment, sickness. He was wasting away, and his reflection in the mirror every day proved that.

He trusted the drugs with his life, and avoided his friends. It was so convoluted that it hardly made sense to him when he thought about it. It was fact though.

He thought back to how this had all started. That fateful night in the corn field. Tobias. Reid shook his head, wishing things had gone differently. If it hadn't been JJ he was with, or if they hadn't split up. If Tobias hadn't used drugs, or they'd figured out it was him sooner. If any one thing had changed in his favour this wouldn't have happened. He wouldn't have had that first blissful kiss with the drugs. It had been so good though, so freeing. Even though he knew it was wrong, he'd wanted the second hit, the third, the one-hundredth. If he had just said no after the first one, maybe he'd be able to resist it now.

The drug had a voice though, a sweet, irresistible, voice that called to him. Every night, every day, the voice begged to be taken. Taken deep into his veins where it could also be free, as it in turn freed him from daily life. And every morning, it would be his first waking thought. The need was strong. So strong it was all he could think about until he sated it. He was a slave. And he was going to die if he didn't change.

The realization hit him rather suddenly and he swallowed hard with a small cringe. He wasn't ready for death yet. There was too much he wanted to do. Too many people he wanted to help, but he couldn't help them until he helped himself. He furrowed his brow, setting his jaw, a feeling coming over him that he hadn't felt in a long time. Determination.

Reid stood, picking up the syringe and the phial he'd pulled it from, and walked to the bathroom. Standing over the sink he pushed the drugs out of the syringe and down the drain. Next he pried the top off the phial, which took more effort than he'd thought it would. Clearly it wasn't meant to come off, but the determination running through his veins was stronger than any drugs, and stronger than any phial containing them.

With the lid off he poured it down the drain as well before returning to his room and disposing of the syringe safely. He turned his attention to the rest of the phials he had. They'd been hidden around his room, just in case JJ ever tried to take them again, he was hoping she would miss one. Some were in the wardrobe, some under his bed, another was hidden inside one of the bedposts. It was metal, and the ball on top unscrewed, and was hollow inside, providing the perfect hiding place. Now it was just an annoyance as he fought to unscrew it, and get the phial before he lost his nerve and changed his mind about this. The final one he found was in a drawer next to the bed on top of a simple book; it was the diary he'd been given and neglected. He took it out and tossed it on his bed, getting it out of the way so he could finish searching the drawer.

Counting the phials in his hand he double checked that he had them all. With a deep breath he returned to the bathroom and repeated the process with each of the phials. As the last drop hit the white porcelain the voice of the drug called to him again, and he shuddered.

"God... what am I doing?" He took a deep breath and forced himself to believe that this was the right thing. It took several minutes but the clammy grip of fear that was holding him slowly dissipated.

He exited the bathroom, holding his head high. He wanted to call someone, to tell them that he was going to change, that he meant it this time. However the fear of disappointing them again stopped him from following through. The chances were high that he wouldn't succeed, and he didn't want them to think that he was too weak to do this. Didn't want them to think he'd given up if the pull became too strong and he caved in. He wouldn't tell them for now, not until he was sure he could do it. Not until his chance of success was high.

He took a moment to try and dress decently and was rather shocked at how much his clothes hung off him. He hadn't noticed it last week, when he'd gone to church, so he'd clearly lost even more weight. With a sigh he took up the sharps box along with any unopened rigs he had and headed back to the hall.

It was here that he froze. The door to the outside world was a barrier he didn't want to cross. He'd been out with JJ, but that was the only time he'd left his house in months. The courage it took to reach out, turn that knob, and step over the threshold was astounding. He glanced both ways down the hall, it was clear. At the elevator he pressed the button, and stood with his back to the wall, beside the doors, so that when they opened, if anyone was there, they wouldn't see him. It was clear too, however, so he carried on. Out of the elevator, out of the lobby, onto the street, turning right, and following the road on his way to the clinic. Every few feet he caught himself turning his head to check behind him.

"Right, so I'm only a little paranoid. That's normal right?" he spoke aloud to himself to calm his nerves.

The walk to the clinic seemed to take twice as long than usual, but as he passed through the tinted glass doors he felt safe again. He approached the counter at the back, walking passed the worn and used bodies of junkies that he now resembled, and Cilia was there to greet him.

"Spencer! Look at you, you look..." She swallowed unable to continue.

"Dreadful? I know. I feel like it too." He put the syringes, new and used, on the counter. "I'm returning these, and I don't want any more. Ever."

There was a twitch of a smile on Cilia's lips. "You're quitting?"

"I'm going to try." Reid nodded.

Cilia came around the counter and approached him, her arms out for a hug, which he accepted. She tried not to act shocked as she felt his ribs and spine through his shirt. "I'm so proud of you. I know you can do it."

"I wish I had your confidence." Reid said honestly.

"Do you need anything, Spencer? Coffee, bagel?"

"Uh, both would be great, thank you."

Cilia nodded, "Alright, take a seat, and I'll bring you some."

"Thanks. And sugar please. Lots of sugar." He turned to sit at the end of one of the long sets of tables in the room, avoiding the other people as much as he could. When Cilia returned with the food and drink he took it from her graciously. As he took the first bite and swallowed his stomach gurgled in protest. He ignored it, continuing to eat and eventually the protest was converted into hunger growls. He was starved. He hadn't realized how much until now. He tried to remember when he last ate, but it wasn't coming to him. Clearly it had been too long.

After he finished both the bagel and coffee he gave Cilia another hug and, with a deep breath, exited the clinic and made his way back home. He found he was still checking over his shoulder, but not nearly as much as before, and the walk seemed to go faster this way, maybe because he was heading to the place he wanted to be.

Reaching the relative safety of his apartment he locked the door tight. There was still a slight edge of fear surrounding him, but not from being outside. He was afraid that he wasn't going to make it through this. All he wanted to do right now was sleep. Maybe he could pass a whole week, and get past the withdrawals if he just slept through it. He went into his bedroom, and noticed the diary he'd left out. He smiled slightly as a thought occurred to him. He didn't want to tell anyone about what he was trying to do, but he could still express it. He just needed to write it down.

He picked up the book and took it out to the living room where he grabbed a pencil and began to write.

**Day 1:**

_I don't know what I'm doing. I hope this is the right decision, but it doesn't feel right. Maybe that's just the drugs talking, I don't know. I feel so lost. I'm hoping this journey will help me find my self again, but... I just don't know._

__

I tossed all my stuff today, and went to the clinic to turn in my needles. I didn't get any more. I'm so scared I'm going to fail. It's not really something I'm used to. Failure. I've always succeeded in everything I've tried. Lets hope that holds true for this.

**Day 2:**

_Two days. I feel like hell. The shakes are the worst right now. I can hardly hold this pencil to write it all down. I've been thinking a lot about what I've been doing... What I've done. How much I was being controlled by the craving. It turned me into a monster. I hope everyone can forgive me when this is all over._

**Day 3:**

_This withdrawal is going to kill me, I swear. This'll be a short entry. I'm just writing in between bouts of nausea and shakes. Imagine someone using ECT on your insides. Or other electric shock... It's not fun._

**Day 4:**

_I went back to the clinic today, to see if I could get anything for this pain. Cilia said I looked worse than before, but she couldn't give me anything. She said I had to do it the hard way, which means I made that walk for nothing. Stumbling, sweating. I doubt I looked good at all. I feel like I'm about to fall apart. I need to do something to make this pain stop, but I don't know what._

**Day 5:**

_The solution to my pain problem was in a handful of painkillers and a bottle of alcohol. I don't drink. Never really have, but it seemed like a good time to start. I must have passed out at one point because I woke up to a frantic Garcia standing over me. She must have borrowed Gideon's key. She thought I'd overdosed so I had to tell her what I was doing. I made her promise not to tell anyone else though. I just don't want to disappoint them. We had a good visit though; when I wasn't throwing up anyway. She brought food, and it was divine. She took the alcohol and painkillers with her though. She __told me that replacing one addiction with another wasn't they way to go. And of course she's right._

**Day 6:**

_Being alone with yourself, going through withdrawals, is enough to make any person mad. And considering that mental illness runs in my family, it's reason for concern. I'm not hearing voices thank God, but I'm about ready to tear my hair out. I just want to scream. I don't know how much longer I can hold out for. This is killing me. I'm never using again though, not if I can help it._

**Day 7:**

_One week... One full week. I can't believe it! And all on my own too. This how I had wanted to do it in the first place. No distractions. Just me, conquering my demons._

**Day 8:**

_Garcia must have told everyone, because they came over today. Everyone except for JJ anyway. It's okay though, I don't mind them knowing now, because I think I can actually follow through with this. They all said I looked good. It was great to see them all._

**Day 9:**

_ I spent the better part of an hour ignoring my phone today. Connors was calling. I would have turned it off, but I didn't want to miss a call if any of the... gang? (Not sure if I can call them the team anymore) called. Finally I answered it and told him to leave me alone. I wasn't interested. He stopped calling after that._

-0-0-0-

Connors sat in his high-backed chair, a glower on his face. He called over one of his personal assistants, and spoke low and even. "Dr. Spencer Reid. Put a tap on his phone. I want to know everything he's doing. Understood.?"

The man he spoke to looked uncertain. "Sir, if I may speak. I don't think we have access to that technology here, sir."

Connors was swift with his backhand, his large ring leaving a gash in the man's cheek. It was his signature. "You will do what I tell you. Your smart. Figure it out."

After a beat the man nodded, "I'll see if I can get one of our contacts in the police department to watch it and inform us, Sir. Sorry, sir, I should have thought of it sooner."

Connors smiled an evil malicious smile. "That's better. Run along now."

-0-0-0-

**Day 10:**

_I'm amazed I've made it this far. I'm amazed I'm alive... I'm just... Free. I feels so good. I can't __stop grinning. Life's good. Life is good. I didn't think I could do it, but here I am. Ten days clean. Wow. I think I need to celebrate. Maybe, order a pizza or something. I think I have just enough money to cover it. It's going to be the best pizza I've ever tasted._

_

* * *

  
__[Spoken Word]_  
Day one. Dope free. I went to the clinic today and got the first dose of methadone.  
I'm out of dope so I threw away all my rigs.  
Day two. I can't believe it's been two days without junk.  
Fucking smack, it just ruins peoples' lives.  
At first it seems so sweet, then you wake up next to a monster.  
Day three. I haven't had anything for three days now.  
This withdrawal is killing me. It's like shock therapy to my guts.  
Day four. Last visit to the clinic. My whole body feels like it's cracking into pieces.  
Fragile doesn't even come close to describing how I feel.  
Day five-- I'm sick as a dog, but this handful of painkillers  
and a lotta whiskey's gonna get me through.  
Day six-- When I'm left to my own devices I go fucking insane.  
I'll never use heroin again.  
Day seven-- I can't believe I'm clean!  
Day eight-- Everyone says I look better--  
Day nine-- The parasites are panicking--  
Day ten-- They seem amazed that I'm alive!

_Everything will be okay  
Everything will be alright  
If I can get away from her  
And save my worthless life.  
Everything will be okay  
Everything will be alright  
If I can get away from her  
And save my worthless life. _


	50. Heart Failure

**A/N: The song for this chapter is more a general feeling from the past few chapters. It's not completely specific to this one. It could even be interpreted as a song for the fic as a whole.**

_

* * *

_

I've begun evaporating  
Right before your eyes  
I just keep regurgitating  
My own demise

I miss today I miss the past  
I miss my veins 'cause they've collapsed  
A simple thought occurs to me

_I'm face down on the tracks  
The train is coming fast  
And it's not derailing  
It's not the first time  
And this won't be the last  
That my heart is failing_

* * *

Chapter 50: Heart Failure

Reid put down the pencil and sighed happily. He took up his phone and dialed the pizza place by memory. He ordered a large, figuring the left overs would do him good. Then he checked the time, and waited, the 30-minute guarantee being put to the test.

While he waited he got out a plate and napkin, setting them on the counter. When the buzzer finally sounded he went over and hit the intercom button. "Who is it?"

"P-p-pizza boy." the young man said with a stutter. Reid buzzed him up and opened the door to his apartment while he turned and searched for his wallet back in the living room; finding it and digging out the the right amount of cash, plus tip.

He heard movement near the door, "Just a minute! I'll be right there." There was a subtle click as the door closed, and then the sound of the deadbolt as it turned, and then the security chain drawn. Reid froze, swallowed, licking his lips, and then turned slowly.

Connors stood by the door in a large dark fur coat. It looked rich, expensive, and out of place in the simple white walls of the apartment. A dark contrast to the light of the space. Reid found his feet to be glued in place as Connors stepped closer.

Reid struggled to find his voice, "Wh-wh-where's the pizza boy?"

"I sent him home. Don't worry, I paid him for his troubles."

"What are you doing here? I thought I made myself clear. I'm not interested in what you have to offer." Reid tried to stay strong even though he felt as if his knees were about to give out.

Connors stepped in close, almost sucking the air from Reid's lungs. "I heard you, and I'm giving you a choice. Well, not so much a choice, but I'm telling you what will happen. Either A. you will die here today, or B. you'll come back to me. Not because you want to, but because you have to."

"You... You don't scare me!"

Connors smirked, "Then why are you quivering so much? Hmm?"

"Get out." Reid said through gritted teeth.

In a flash Connors grabbed Reid by the throat. His hands were soft, well moisturized; so unlike his hard, callus demeanor. His grip though, was sure and strong. Reid gasped, his hands coming up to claw at the one holding him. He tried in vain to pry the fingers off his throat, as Connors leaned in close to his ear, a sneer on his face. "Do not talk to me like that. After everything I've given you, everything I've done for you. You are only alive because I gave you the opportunity to live. And I can take it away just as easily. I demand respect, Doctor. Now, apologize."

Reid continued to gasp, no words coming to him. Connors loosened his grip slightly, enough for Reid to speak. "Screw. You."

Connors growled low in his throat. With his free hand he reached into the pocket of his sable coat and pulled out a syringe. He popped the safety tip off with his thumb and waved it in front of Reid's face. "You want this. I can see it in your eyes."

"No, I don't." Reid sucked in a breath. "I'm done with you."

With a glare Connors positioned the tip of the needle against a vein in Reid's neck. The grip he had on Reid's throat, acting like a tourniquet and bringing the vein to the surface. "We'll see about that. Let's leave it up to fate shall we? If you live through this, you'll find a phial in your room. And you know how to get more." Without any more hesitation he pierced the skin and injected the drug. He let go of Reid, who fell to the floor, coughing and sputtering.

"Why? Why are you doing this?" He asked, trying to stay focused as the drug stirred his brain.

"Because, I own you. You are mine until I let you go. Good day, Doctor."

Reid's vision swam in and out of focus as he struggled to stay coherent. He watched as Connors turned and walked down the hall, made a stop in his bedroom, then exited the apartment. He could feel his heart racing, pounding in his chest, in his brain. His breathing was shallow as he struggled to his hands and knees. He crawled to the table, to his phone, and fumbled around with it until it fell to the floor in front of him. Doing his best to remain alert he pressed a button, knowing that the first 6 would get him one of the gang. He didn't know which one he pressed, but as the speed dial took over he was relieved. He couldn't tell when it was answered, so he just spoke when he figured there had been enough time. "C-C-Connors. Here... Drugged me.... Please... Help me..." He repeated it, over and over until he couldn't anymore.

The euphoria was bittersweet. His head wanted to fight it but his body was soaring. Flying high, and he didn't want it to stop. A whimper escaped his lips as he thought about how wrong it was to be enjoying this. Once again he pictured the train heading straight for him. The light was blinding, and he knew what it was. Death.

His mind screamed to be let free. He didn't want to die. Not like this. But even as he tried to fight the effects of the drugs he knew it was all in vain. He could feel it taking over, kick-starting his heart into overdrive, where it would short circuit.

It was bliss, but he didn't want it. He craved it, was in love with it, but hated it. He'd worked so hard to get to where he was, and now all the success was slipping away. He thought of everyone in his life that meant something to him. From his mom, to the gang, to T. It was agony to realize how much he had lost, especially since he was so close to gaining it back, and now it was going to be gone again.

His heart pounded rapidly in his chest as he lay on the floor, eyes beginning to roll back. He moaned in both pleasure and defeat, as he took his last breath and everything went dark.

-0-0-0-

Morgan raced towards Reid's apartment after getting the mumbled, almost incoherent phone call. He barely stopped to put his tuck in park, before he barreled towards the doors of the building. He buzzed every number on the board, and prayed that someone would just buzz him in without asking questions.

His prayers were answered, and he took the stairs two at a time, not wasting time with the elevator. The door to Reid's was open when he got there, and at the end of the hall he could see Reid's legs, his body hidden behind the wall. He jumped into action, sliding to his knees on the hardwood as he got next to Reid, who was lying on his side, facing away from him.

Morgan rolled him over and noticed with a start that his skin was drained of color and his lips were blue. "God, no. Please no." He didn't waste a second as he checked for breathing and a pulse. There was none of either.

Jumping into action he started CPR, pinching Reid's nose, and forcing two breaths of hair into his lungs, followed by thirty chest compressions. He repeated the set of actions and then reached for Reid's phone, dialing 911. He held the phone between his shoulder and ear as he spoke, detailing the address and what was happening.

Time seemed to slip by so slowly as he continued to fight for his friend's life. The color was returning, but he still wasn't breathing on his own. It was a sign of hope however and he kept at it. Minutes ticked by and the chance of success dwindled rapidly.

Finally Reid coughed, then took a steady breath. Morgan couldn't help but smile. He took Reid's head between his hand and breathed a sigh of relief. "Hey, kid. Open your eyes for me. Come on, that's it." As Reid's soft eyes blinked open Morgan smiled at him again. "Welcome back."

Reid speech was slightly slurred, and slow, but he forced the words out anyway. "I didn't know... who I called... Thank you... for coming." he groaned slightly, his heart still racing now that it beat on it's own.

"Just stay put, don't move, help is on the way." Morgan informed him.

"I don't... need... any. I'll be... okay." Reid fought.

Morgan shook his head, "I know you will be, but I want to get you checked out anyway. Humour me?"

Reid groaned again but didn't argue. They stayed in silence for another minute until the EMT team entered the apartment. They did a quick vitals check, and insisted that he be seen by a doctor. "I am a doctor." Reid mumbled, but it didn't seem to make a difference. "Fine, but I'm not going in an ambulance. I don't want to spend any more time in one." He turned his head to Morgan. "Will you take me?"

Morgan nodded, and Reid slowly sat up as he was given papers to sign, saying he refused transport. As the medics left, Reid looked at Morgan, "You can go too, you know."

Morgan raised a brow, "I don't think so. We're getting you checked out."

"I'll be fine. Trust me."

"You have drugs in your system, your high right now, I don't think your opinion counts at the moment."

Reid glared, "What the hell? Don't treat me like this was what I wanted! Connors _drugged_ me."

"All the more reason to get you checked out. You don't know what was in that syringe he stuck you with."

"Oh trust me I know exactly what it was. You can't recreate that high with anything else."

"Reid, kid, you stopped breathing. Your heart stopped. I'd like to get you checked out. Maybe even stay at the hospital for a few days, so you can get it out of your system again."

"No. I am not staying overnight in a hospital. Ever again."

"Fine, but at least let me get you checked out."

With a sigh, Reid nodded. "Alright, lets go."

-0-0-0-

The exam took a few hours from start to finish. Reid mumbled and complained the whole time, occasionally spouting off odd nonsensical words, and staring off into space. The high causing him to space out.

As Morgan dropped him back off at home, the effects were finally wearing off. They stood in the doorway for a long moment. Reid clearly wanting to be left one his own, and Morgan reluctant to leave, with thoughts weighing on his mind.

He stared at Reid for a long while before speaking, "Reid, buddy, I think you should consider moving. And maybe, spending sometime out of the city, with Gideon perhaps."

"I don't want to. It would be like, admitting defeat, Morgan. I don't want Connors to win like that."

"So you still want to live clean? This hasn't set you back?"

Reid paused, looking down, producing a tiny shrug. "I don't know. I mean, yes, I want to be clean, I just... don't know if I'm set back yet."

"Well, shouldn't we get you out of this situation sooner, rather than later? You can come stay with me. Right now. We can go."

"Morgan, I can't do that. I don't want to do that. I just need a few days to sort myself out. Okay?"

Morgan frowned, but eventually gave in, under the condition that Reid promised to call every day. As he left the building he couldn't help thinking that their troubles weren't nearly over yet.

Reid, on the other hand, settled down in his living room, stomach growling, and relived the past 10 days in vivid detail. As he reached Connors arrival at his apartment he shuddered, then remembered the words he'd spoken. Words about a single phial in his room. He stood slowly, on shaking legs, and meandered down the hallway. Entering his bedroom he saw the phial sitting on his pillow, along with a small pile of steral syringes. He swallowed hard, and waited for a sign, wondering how to proceed.

-0-0-0-

A sign never came, one way or the other, and after two days of slowly increasing withdrawals, Reid broke. Tears streamed down his face as he filled the syringe and injected himself. He cried again after the initial high wore off. And again with the next hit he took. The tears seemed to be endless.

He spoke on over the phone, refusing to see anyone. Refusing to let them see him as the failure he felt like he was. The team knew, though, that he'd slipped again. It saddened every one of them. Helplessness in abundance between them, not knowing what to do now.

It was a quite subdued voice that finally offered the only solution that seemed plausible. "An intervention." Garcia said softly, she'd been crying recently, and the crack in her voice was easy to hear.

There were murmurs of agreement, and a plan was set. They'd see him tonight. They'd lay down their final points, give him an ultimatum, and then hope he would make the right choice.

Silence surrounded them as Gideon used his key to let them into the building. There was hesitation as they stood outside Reid's door, unsure if they should knock, or just go in. Finally Gideon took his key to this door too, and they filed into the hall.

A glance to the bedroom told them Reid wasn't there. So they moved forward. He wasn't in the bathroom either, but entering the living room they found him waking up from a snooze on the couch. He blinked at them a few times as he sat up. Then he frowned, and cleared his throat. "What the hell are you doing in my place uninvited?"

Hotch took the lead, firmly, without emotion. "We need to talk Reid. This has to stop."

"I tried that." He looked away, ashamed. "I'm sorry guys, but I just can't... do it."

"Do you remember how badly you wanted your job back? Wanted to be clean so that you could work with us again?"

"Yes... so?"

"Do you still want it?" Hotch asked.

Reid paused, thinking about it. "Yes, I do, but I know it won't happen."

"It still can, Reid. This is your last chance though. If you don't get clean, by any means necessary, and stay clean for 3 months, you won't have a job to come back to. I can hold your position open for three months, if you remain clean for them, and then we can work on getting you back into shape."

Reid swallowed hard, but didn't reply. He wanted it, so bad, but didn't have the confidence to believe he could do it again. Once was hard enough.

"Spencer," Gideon's voice broke the silence, "I lost connection with one son already, I don't want to lose connection with you too. Please get help. We want you back."

Still Reid opted not to answer. He stood and started pacing with a deep sigh.

JJ swallowed, looking at Reid. "You... Reid, you need to go to rehab, and—"

Reid turned on her, "I don't need you to freaking tell me I need to go to rehab!"

"Then go!" JJ pushed.

Reid fell silent again, looking at the floor, the walls, anywhere but the eyes of his good friends. With a resigned sigh he finally looked up with a small nod. "Alright, I'll go."

The grin spread through the room in a gigantic sweep, and everyone stepped forward to pull Reid into a huge group hug. The love flowed heavily, and Reid drank it up. It felt good to be trusted, loved, wanted. He realised that this was what he needed to get him through. The support and the friendship would help him make it to the end of this journey. It wasn't over yet, but he knew he had a fighting chance.

Hotch pulled back, "I'll set it up. Make sure you get the best. And I'll make it work, so that you can still have your job. I'll fight for you, but you need to fight for yourself."

Reid smiled and nodded. "Let's get started."

* * *

_As the blood is rushing  
to my head  
And from my wrists  
I'm in love with all the things I know I should resist_

__

And all the times you said to me  
Your falling down ones destiny  
A simple thought occurs to me

_I'm face down on the tracks  
The train is coming fast  
And you're right there waiting  
It's not the first time  
And this won't be the last  
That my heart is failing_

* * *

** A/N: Just two more chapters! Wow.. So close to the end. :D**


	51. Permission

_I apologize  
That your memory serves you more than I can now  
You'll have to make sense of my life somehow  
Yeah, somehow_

Well, I close my eyes  
Remove each piece of armor one by one  
Inhale this moment deep into my lungs  
Make amends for all I've done

All of my devils are free at last  
And all my secrets revealed  
And your permission is all I  
Need to heal

* * *

Chapter 51: Permission

Reid was registered at the Vanguard Treatment Center, men's Pheonix program, in Arlington, Virginia. The transition was rough. The first few weeks were near agony for Reid, but the support he had from his friends and the counsellors got him through them. He worked with everyone, making desisions about his life. First, he allowed the team to start packing up his apartment, and picking out a new place for him to live. Second he got a new cell phone, with a new number; unlisted. They worked as best they could to erase any trace of him from public records that could be tracked by Connors. Garcia worked her magic as best she could and finally Reid felt safe.

He relaxed into the program rather smoothly after that. Getting into old habits, like writing his mother every day. A month passed with Reid attending individual and group meetings. He made progress, learning the tools he needed to stay sober. As he got closer to his final month the excitement and nervousness grew. When the time came for 'family meetings' Reid asked if he could have the team in, as his family. There was a small discussion amoungst the counsellors to which they finally agreed.

As he stood infront of the mirror in his private room he straightened his hair and clothes, wearing a dark blue/light blue sweater vest, and tie. He was a little jittery but knew if he fussed over himself any more then he'd be late for the meeting.

Leaving the room he walked to the comfortable meeting room the facility had and let himself inside. His primary councellor was already there, making some coffee for the guests that they'd be having. Reid walked over to him with a small smile.

"Are you excited, Spencer?" he asked.

"Yes. And nervous. I haven't seen them for two months." Reid replied.

"No, but you've talked to them You know they support you. Don't forget that."

"Thanks Alan. I know. They're the best."

"You should tell them that, not me."

The coffee tricked to a stop in the pot and they each poured some in a styrofoam cup; Reid's cup was treated to an extra helping of sugar before he took a seat on one of the couches and comfortable arm chairs that were arrainged in an odd circle. He crossed his legs and tapped his foot in the air glancing at the door every time there was movement outside it.

He jumped slightly when the door actually opened, and the people he most wanted to see entered the room. He stood, but hesitated going over to them, as Alan introduced himself, and got their names. "Ahh, yes, Spencer has told me a lot about all of you. Come sit down and we'll get started."

Reid figeted with the watch positioned over his sleeve, as they drew closer and looked at him. Their smiles were comforting, and he smiled back. Gideon stepped forward and offered him a hug, which he accepted, and then sat down again.

Alan started by explaining the process they had been working on. Telling the team the skills Reid was learing, and what they could do to help when he finally left. "Now, I understand you're all work colleeges. In the third section of our treatment program we encourage our patients," he glanced at Reid, "to find work and hold down a job, in order to deal with the stresses real life offers. It's the only way to know if you're ready to put to use all the skills you've learned. Spencer has told me that he has a job with you, is that right."

Hotch nodded once, "Yes, but we can't take him back until he finishes the program completely. We are a government agency afterall. Plus we travel a lot, I don't want to put that kind of stress on Reid yet. Or have him miss meetings."

Reid frowned slightly, "I get that, but I can still attend meetings anywhere we go."

Hotch glanced at him, "And I expect you to, but not yet."

Alan looked between them, "It is very important he gets outside experience during this last month."

"Can I volunteer? I don't want to work for anyone else, Hotch." The comment made Hotch smile slightly. "Maybe I could give some of my time at the clinic? I know Cilia would like to see me again, and she'll keep me on track."

Alan started shaking his head, "A clinic environment, especially one with a needle exchange program, and regular addicts coming in and out isn't a good place to put yourself Spencer."

"I'll be dealing with a lot worse people when I go back to work. Dealing with things that make absolutely no sense. A side of humanity that many would consider pure evil. A few drunks and addicts are going to just be a speedbump to that mountain. I need to start somewhere, and I know I can do this. And I won't be alone." Reid pleaded.

Alan's expression was hesitant, "I'll talk with the other councellors and see what they say about it. Now, is there anything you guys would like to say?" He indicated to the team.

It was silent for a while before Morgan smiled, "Is the coffee here any better than ones at police stations?" He laughed and Reid joined in.

"No, not really. The sugar helps though."

"So," Hotch this time, "how are you doing, really?"

"Good. Really good. At least I think I am. No slips, no cravings, I feel so much better. I didn't realise how miserable I was before. Being here has really helped."

They all smiled, Garcia's bigger than anyone elses, "I'm so glad you came here, sugar. When you get out, we'll have an ice cream and movie night in your new pad, kay?"

Reid chuckled, "That sounds perfect."

Prentiss nodded at him, "You look good. So much more... healthy."

Reid nodded back, "I feel healthy. I've gained some weight back, eating regularly. It's all really good. I only have myself to blame for letting it get so out of control like it did. No one else put me here, but me."

JJ shook her head with a small snort of a laugh, "Right, so you don't blame me for anything? It's all my fault anything happened to you in the first place."

"JJ." Hotch said in a repremanding tone.

"No no," Alan spoke up, "this is good. This is what these meetings are for. All this needs to get out in the open. Spencer do you have anything you'd like to say in response."

"Yeah, I do. JJ, it's not your fault at all. I wanted to split up that day, not you. I went into the cornfeild without waiting for backup. I was the one that hid the problem from all of you. JJ, you're the one that got this ball rolling, got me closer to recovery by finding it out and telling everyone. I need to thank you."

JJ remained silent, looking away. Alan addressed Reid again. "Is there anything else you would like to say?"

Reid thought for a moment, licking his lips. "Just that I'm sorry for everything. I wish I hadn't been so stubborn. I'm just glad that all of my secrets are out now, and the demons I'd been holding onto are gone. I've been stripped down to my very core by being here, and now it's time for me to make ammends. So, Gideon," he started on one side of the group, "I'm sorry I treated you so badly. That I lied to you over and over. Broke promises." Reid held up a hand to stop Gideon from replying as he moved on. "Hotch, I'm sorry I jeopardized the cases we were on. I put the whole team in danger by hiding my problem, not just myself. I put your job at risk too. I just wasn't thinking." He sighed, "Prenitss, I'm sorry I snapped at you constantly, and didn't trust your judgement. It was my own judgement I shouldn't have trusted. Morgan, I know you worried a lot, and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry you ever had to give me CPR, because it never should have happened." He glanced at Gideon, knowing that went for him too. "Garcia, "I'm sorry I added so much darkness to your life. You already had so much from work, you didn't need any more. And JJ, I'm sorry for the way I've treated you over all this. You were only doing the right thing, and I acted like you commited the worst crime against me. You didn't. Okay, that's all I think. For now, anyway. Forgive me? Please?"

Gideon nodded and stood to hug Reid again. "Yes, forgiven. I can speak for all of us when I say it's time for you to heal completely. And we give you full permission to do so." He pulled back, and Hotch took his place offering a hug without words.

Prentiss followed through with the act, as did Morgan and Garcia. JJ stood with her arms crossed, unsure and uncomfortable. Reid looked at her with a small smile opening his arms, "It's okay, I won't bite. Promise."

She hesitated, and then lowered her arms and stepped forward for the hug. It good to be forgiven, just as she forgave him, she needed his forgiveness too, and for her this hug symbolised that. "Thank you." She whispered.

She pulled back and looked at the rest of the group with a smile she couldn't hide. Alan checked his watch and sighed, "This was very good progress for the first meeting. I'm proud of you Spencer. It looks like you have a great support system here. I have great confidence you'll do swimmingly when you get back into the real world."

Reid grinned at him. Alan smiled back, "Well, I hate to cut off this reunion, but there's another meeting schedueled. Spencer, don't be late for lunch. I know how you get when you put your nose in a book. If the rest of you would come with me, I'll show you out."

The team nodded once and said goodbye to Reid, who returned it with a small wave. "I... uhhh... I love you guys... Thanks for everything."

"Take care. We'll see you soon." Hotch replied, then he turned leading the group away after Alan.

Reid sat down again for a moment, and reflected on the meeting. Eventually he grinned and laughed out loud, full of bliss and joy. He had the confidence he needed. All he had to do now was keep it up, and never quit. Something he was determined to accomplish.

* * *

_Well how long have I  
Been sitting here, I must have drifted off  
I cannot finish any of my thoughts  
Forgive me for my wayward shot_

All of my devils are free at last  
And all my secrets revealed  
And your permission is all I  
Need to heal

I wake up in the morning, and it comes back to you  
I breathe in I breathe out, it comes back to you  
I stare up at the ceiling, and it comes back to you  
I step out my front door, and it comes back to you  
The end of my driveway, it comes back to you  
Brakelights on the highway, it comes back to you  
I could die in Los Angeles.  
It would come back to you.

All of my devils, they are free at last, oh  
And all my secrets are revealed, yeah  
And your permission is all that I,  
I need to feel  
All of my devils, they are free at last, oh  
And all my secrets are revealed, yes they are  
And your permission is all that I need. 


	52. Epilogue: Life After Death

_[Spoken Word]_

_So here we are at the end,_  
_And at the same time we're at the beginning _  
_Of this misadventure._  
_Why I had to go down a dead end street_  
_At 200 miles an hour_  
_Screaming for vengeance and embracing death,_  
_That's still something I'm trying to figure out._  
_You know a part of me thinks this is some big master plan_  
_To expose the raw nerve endings of dysfunction so I can heal._  
_But you know addicts, we think everything's about us, don't we_

* * *

Chapter 52: Epilogue: Life After Death

_**Day 92**_

__

Dear Diary,

Three months clean. As you know, instead of being more of an outpatient during the last month, I opted to stay here. It was a safer bet for me, what with the clinic work weighing on me. I felt safer at the treatment centre. But now I'm ready to move into my new place full time. I'll still have meetings three times a week, sometimes four.

I'm still on probation from the team. I have another psych. eval. tomorrow and I've promised not to cheat. The results of that will determine whether I get to start back to work, or if I'll be on paid leave, or if I have to start looking elsewhere. Of course I'm hoping for one of the former two options. I want to go back to doing some good in the world. Catching the bad guys, and saving those who need saving. I've been given a second chance and I refuse to waste it.

The team has been a wonderful support system, and I know they'll continue to be one. I still have a lot of work to do to make it up to them, but I've done what I can to make amends so far. I've made amends to everyone. Well, almost everyone. There's still one person I wish I could talk to. It's horrible not knowing if someone you care about is alive or dead. And if they're alive, what condition they're in.

When I'm well enough, I'm going to try to find him. Tamesis, that is. I can't do it yet, it would be too much for me to try, especially if Connors is involved, and he probably is. But, when I'm back to work, and as normal as I can be, I'll search for him. At least get some resolution one way or the other. I want to apologize to him. Make it up to him. And help him too.

I had a problem with drugs, he has a problem of a different sort. He's so damaged. I don't know, maybe it's a lost cause to want to try, but everyone deserves to be helped. Who better to try than someone who can understand? But, I guess we'll just have to wait and see if I can or not.

Until then, I hope he's alive, and surviving. I miss him. Strange but true.

I was thinking maybe of getting a pet. A cat maybe. They're pretty independent, so if I do go back to work soon, so long as they're fed and watered it should be fine. I'll need to get to know my neighbours, to see if someone can be trusted enough to do that. That's another thing. I need to learn to trust people again. Trust myself and trust others. I trust the team, I trust Cilia, but anyone else is still a little off. Anyway, yeah, I think getting a pet will be good for me. Give me something to take care of, a sense of purpose. It'll be good.

Anyway, I have to pack all my clothes up and get ready to leave here. Wow, it's nerve wracking. Good, but still makes you jittery. I'll miss this place, but it'll nice to start fresh. Garcia's already set up our movie night for tomorrow, so I don't have much time to settle in, but I'm fine with that.

So, wish me luck, diary. I'll write again soon.

_-Spencer_

* * *

  
Man, it got so convoluted, polluted, and distorted  
I turned it into my armor, my defense mechanism,  
And my weapon of self destruction.  
Yeah, I had a fucked up childhood. And I was a troubled teen.  
Those are facts.  
How I got there? That's a story told by many voice.  
It's not my job to blame anybody anymore,  
I just need to accept the path I was given.

This is, without a doubt,  
My life... after death.

* * *

  
Addiction is a disease. I'll always be an addict, the only difference is if I'm and active addict, or a recovering addict.  
- Unknown Author.

* * *

  
**A/N: That end quote I heard a long time ago while watching an A&E Classroom documentary on addicts. It stuck with me, and I had to use it here.  
So that's it, my dears. That's all she wrote. Quite literally. LOL  
I thank you all for sticking with me through this 2 year, 2 month journey. 4 months if we include DSH in it too. *laughs*  
As some of you know I'm taking a break now, to try and work on some original fiction. I want to write novel before the end of the year (New years resolution) After I'm done that, (unless I fail miserably) I'll start on the sequel for this. I already have the basic plot for it. So make sure you're alerts are set because you never know when I might start it.  
Cheers everyone. Love you all! **


End file.
